2.I caught up to him after school. His mom didn’t want to pick him up I guess. Maybe they all loved Fabio better. “Hey...um...what’s your e-mail address? Do you have Instant Messenger?” I asked after saying the prerequisite hellos. I actually didn’t get on-line all that often, since there was only one phone line and I saw all of my “friends” at school. But because I hardly ever saw him anyway, I could make the time to talk to him.
“We don’t have a computer that I could get on to do that. It’s in the living room so they can monitor what we do on it. Only word processing and shit like that. Even if I had it, I couldn’t talk to you.” he said regretfully. Then he smiled a pained sneer. “There’s always a tin-can telephone.”
I laughed politely. “Do you have any friends? I mean, outside of Fabio.”
He kicked a rock and watched as it skittered into the street and landed in a sewer grate. “I have people who talk to me. But that’s only because I’m Fabio’s brother.” He shrugged. “It’s never been all that important. My parents pretend they’re my friends and I pretend that I’m theirs. They want to be ‘there for me’.” He made exaggerated quotation signs with his fingers. “Last time I told them what was going on in my life they dragged us both in to a shrink. I was more practiced at appearing happy than Fabio.” That answered the question of whose pill it was.
“Why didn’t you tell the truth? I mean, they could have helped you.”
“It’s not a matter of telling the truth. It’s a matter of covering your ass.” He took out a cigarette and lit it deftly. It was a bit of a walk from school to our block, but I still didn’t think it was a good risk to take if your parents could go psycho if they found out you were smoking. “I mean, they don’t listen anyway...better to make what they do listen to as good as possible so they don’t send you away. You don’t tell your parents everything do you? I mean, you wouldn’t go tell your dad that you’d just gotten back from fucking a really hot chick, would you?” I stared at him blankly. He took it in slowly, then smiled a bit. “Well, you might be a bit more interesting than I thought.”
“So...anyway...could I call you?”
“Nah, my mom answers the phone. Unless it’s for school and I’ve warned her in advance, there wouldn’t be much chance of my getting to talk to you. And she can check and see if we have any classes together.” He took a drag and then dropped his cigarette on the sidewalk and ground it out. “There is a tree out front with a little hole in it. We could leave stuff in that if you want to.” I sighed and nodded. “Don’t know why you want to get to know me, but what the hell.”
I didn’t really see him at school, but the tree held a little note. I took it back to my room and read it sitting in my chair by the window. It started out with a little depressing poem that soon had me looking over at his window. He wasn’t in the room and the light was off. I sighed and continued. After the poem it was a little bit about what was going on in his life, which wasn’t much since it appeared that what little that his family DID do was rent movies or watch taped shows on Friday nights and order pizzas. We didn’t have the same classes or even the same group of friends, so there wasn’t much discussion on that. Except he did have rather droll observations about our principal and some of the office staff. He did note that it might be possible for me to come over on one of those Friday nights if he cleared it with both of his parents first. However, he said that the chances of that happening were slim. And, scrawled in hastily at the bottom, was a note that said that Fabio was coming back home tomorrow. I didn’t see how anyone could just forget about that...but then I remembered how he had almost no expression on his face when he told me that Fabio would live. Maybe he had already given Fabio up for dead.I wrote him back, nothing special, nothing that would push him away. I was always afraid of that. Right after I’d make good friends, they’d either move away or act like all of my secrets were the strangest things they’d ever heard. So I didn’t tell him that I thought he was the only one who could come close to understanding. And, the other, more obvious thing, that I could see myself falling for him. Because even though he had asked me the girlfriend question and given me a sort of encouraging look, that was not a sign enough that he would be accepting if I went up to him and said something.
Stared out the window as I saw the light click on. He was at his window again, swinging back and forth. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to get up the nerve to jump or not. Eventually he turned off the light and went to bed. Then I crept outside and put my note in the tree. I watched his window for a few minutes and then went to bed myself.
Fabio wasn’t acting any different at lunch, but you could tell that he wasn’t the same person as he had been before. The laughs were less sincere, the voice was a monotone. And his eyes were totally blank, like he wasn’t there except in spirit, just going through the paces. His friends surrounded him, wondering what had happened...perhaps they wanted blood and scars, taped over wrists and throat. He couldn’t give them that.Bobby sat on the outside...to sit with me would have been to alert Fabio that there was someone else in his life. And I was not someone you wanted to be associated with. I knew that. It was sad if no one would admit it, but I knew that I had made myself such an outcast that it didn’t really matter what anyone thought, they weren’t going to be seen talking to me out of class. It had been better when my best friend...well, ex best friend actually, had been around. Then there had been at least one other person to relate to.
Fabio laughed loudly at something one of the runner-up cheerleaders said. Everyone else tittered nervously. But Bobby just looked at me. If they were making fun of me, it wasn’t anything new.
Bobby’s next note started with another poem. I realized that it was his way of writing letters, even though this one was about lying in the bathtub and floating away. As much as I hated to, I imagined him doing just that. And it wasn’t that hard.The light clicked on in his room and I watched over the top of the paper to see if he was doing anything interesting. Nope...it looked like homework. What I should be doing instead of reading his letter. I didn’t really remember having done it, but it was there, finished. Usually I just did it right after school because I had nothing better to do. And I guess that’s what I had done, but with his letter right there sort of as encouragement to get it finished quickly.
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. Finally pulled out my pack of cigarettes and opened a window. Technically I wasn’t supposed to smoke in the house, but I didn’t feel like walking all the way downstairs and standing outside just for a five minute smoke.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and instantly opened it. I didn’t feel like looking at myself any more than I had to. A person in transition is never pretty.
Bobby saw that I was leaning out of my window and waved. I waved back weakly and took a deep drag off my cigarette. Almost dropped it as I realized that he had his shirt off. “Fuck...” I whispered. And I wanted to. He wasn’t naked...so that was a bit of a disappointment, but I think he had the sense to know that it wouldn’t have been a good idea to be naked with the shades up. I put out my cigarette and slumped to the floor beneath the window. He’d probably just been hot in his room and...I really had to concentrate on something else.
The rest of his letter was pretty mundane shit...a group project he had to do with some people I didn’t know, his parents were fawning over Fabio, giving him practically anything he wanted. And I guess Fabio wanted to have a party. Or someone suggested it and he seemed to perk up a bit at the notion. Then his mom and dad sort of made a guest list, his mom picked out people from the honor roll and stuff. I skimmed...then read that they’d decided to invite me and a few others. I stared dully at the little grade sheet that had come in the mail a few days earlier. That had been my ticket into their house and I didn’t even know it.
Of course, that didn’t mean that they were going to make me feel welcome. Grades didn’t make up for piercings, especially on a GUY. At least I had done both ears so they couldn’t be like, oh, he pierced his left ear, he’s gay...or was it the right one that was supposed to be the symbol for that? I didn’t remember and I didn’t really care. His mom gave me a cursory glance and then nodded towards the stairs to the basement. I shrugged. Maybe my fashion choice wasn’t right...I thought it was just a little informal gathering type thing. Maybe it was the makeup, maybe it was my eyebrow ring, maybe it was the lingering smell of the cigarette I’d smoked nervously outside my house waiting until it was the right time to come over. Maybe they’d just heard about me from everyone else. Then again, not very many people around here wore mesh and spikes to an informal gathering. I crossed my arms and sighed. I knew that I wouldn’t make any friends...I just hoped that I could get in and stay so that I could see Bobby.From the brief glimpse I got of the rest of their house there were only pictures of Fabio. And when there were pictures of Bobby he was smiling a fake smile that betrayed his lack of interest. But that was all I could see before I was swallowed up by the basement.
What a great party it was too. All the girls were around a table that had little liter things of pop, there were a couple of guys but they were the type that couldn’t talk to girls even if you bribed them. Some crappy music was playing in the background, there were sad looking balloons all around. Pastels...wood paneling...it was only a half-finished basement anyway. There was a depressing little table with bowls full of pretzels and other stuff too. If I had gone to any of the dances at school, I think I would have been able to see the similarities. But I didn’t really care about any of that stuff. I wanted to see Bobby.“Oh look, it’s Jay...” one of the girls giggled.
“You mean Gay.” another replied. “They shouldn’t allow people like that to be on the honor roll even if they get the grades for it.” I shouldn’t have come. Even if it was for Bobby.
I still hadn’t seen him. But I guess that was partly because I was lurking in the shadows and trying to avoid everyone’s gaze. There were probably about ten people here, why did it feel like there were a hundred? I noticed a couch after a few minutes of pretending that I was examining my already chipped nail polish. Bobby was on one end, Fabio the other. Fabio looked like he wanted to get up and join everyone, Bobby just looked like he was waiting for the whole thing to be over. I swallowed and sat in the middle of them. “Hi Fabio.” I said.
He just nodded blankly and raised his glass a bit. His mom came over a bit later and asked if he wanted a refill and he shook his head vigorously then muttered something about going to the bathroom. When he had gone Bobby poked my side gently and then nodded towards the stairs. “Let me show you the backyard.”
There wasn’t that much to see. The sky was a sort of half purple half midnight blue mess. We sat down next to a huge maple tree. In the half light of the setting sun I didn’t feel as exposed as I had been inside. Yet a part of me still wanted to go home. Before I knew it he was messing around with my hair. “Yellow?” he asked.I let him continue, but I shrank down and hunched over. “I bought the wrong kind of dye.”
“At least you didn’t do your whole head with it.”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.” I sighed.
He shrugged and leaned back on his hands. “Yeah, well, your parents wouldn’t shave your head if you messed up your hair. Mine would. I did red a few summers ago and...” he trailed off. “I guess it doesn’t really matter.”
“Why don’t they let you dress how you want to?” I asked, still not fully relaxed. My fingers quivered in want of a cigarette.
“They don’t want me to be an embarrassment to Fabio. I mean, it’s not like I want to embarrass him or anything, but a little freedom of expression never hurt anyone. They don’t understand so I’ve given up asking.” he sighed. “Are your parents nice about that kind of stuff?”
I snorted. “Only because I’ve conditioned them to be. They feel sorry enough that I don’t have any friends.”
“Well...why don’t you?”
I stared at him. Was it possible that he didn’t know? “You don’t remember?”
“I’m sorry...I guess I’ve been a bit out of the loop. I don’t really listen when Fabio’s..oh wait, they’re my friends too, anyway, I just sort of tune them out when they start talking.” he explained.
“It’s stupid really. The guy that was supposed to be my best friend led me on, made me think he was gay...then he orchestrated this little scene where he was kissing me but it totally looked like I was the aggressive one. He was pretty much naked, shit like that. Anyway, after a few minutes the door opened and there were all these people there looking in. He said that I had made him do it all, like I had special powers of persuasion or something.” I stopped.
“That was Ryan right?”
“Yeah, he moved away last year. I sort of thought everyone would forget, but you know how people are.” I picked at an anthill absent-mindedly. It didn’t hurt as much telling it to him as it usually did.
“So that’s why nobody hangs around you?”
I smiled weakly. “Yeah. They’re afraid I’ll try and put the moves on them or something. It’s easier to just worry about grades.”
He nodded. “Last time I opened up to someone they told it to everyone. I think that was sixth grade...I said I had a crush on some girl.” My heart clenched and I tried to keep from looking at him. Maybe he was bi. But it didn’t matter much as long as he talked to me. “The next day everyone sort of avoided me...after that I sort of decided that I’d never have any close friends. Except for Fabio maybe.” He rolled his eyes.
“Why are there only pictures of him around?”
“I told my parents to burn the ones of me. I’m not as photogenic as he is.”
“You’re better looking than me. I’m ugly. I wish my parents would get rid of my pictures.” He turned and looked at me, really looked at me, not just sort of glancing in my direction. I tried to meet his gaze but I couldn’t.
“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better...you really mean it.” he stated like it was weird. He wiped his hand over his lips absently, my eyes couldn’t leave them...I wondered what they tasted like, what they felt like.
“Well, I am...” I whispered. And I was, my hair sucked, I was too tall, not the right body type, my eyes didn’t seem like they lined up, my lips were too big. There weren’t many clothes that looked right on me. A few years of people constantly teasing me had torn my self-esteem to shreds.
His face seemed impossibly close. Felt his hand touch my neck, I almost jumped away. He wasn’t Ryan, he wasn’t Ryan. “I think you’re handsome.” he whispered, then leaned forward and kissed me. And it was everything that I wanted and a bit more. My hand went around his back, I wanted it to last forever...his lips were velvet and I discovered with some joy that he did wear lipgloss. But hormones took over, it had been a long time since I’d kissed anybody, and it seemed like it was Bobby’s first time. Anyway, soon we were mauling each other, our tongues were twined, it felt so fucking good. I just wanted it to last forever.
Then the scream and the lights turned on on the first floor. “FABIO!!!” He pushed me away or maybe I pushed him away, things grew muddy after that point, we both ran to find out what was wrong.
Fabio laid next to the toilet bowl, the overturned glass of poison at his side spilling its noxious brew. His eyes were still half-open and unseeing. Body curled almost around the porcelain, his hands still twitching a bit from rigor mortis. He hadn’t failed this time. His mom was sitting on the floor and wailing, his dad sort of pushed us all out of the house. Bobby didn’t look affected at all. He just stared at me as I headed back to my house.The image of Fabio’s corpse remained. Because, with a few changes, that could have been Bobby.