And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of  his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

    A husband and wife are travelling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it! " The manager is unmoved and say " You very well could have ".  

Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check." But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." 

But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. 

"Well," the man replies," she was here, and you very well could have."

 
    A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."  

" Well, thanks a million ! You are really a great pal of mine. She just died and left me everything!"

   Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line, changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. 

Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" 

God said, "Ah, yes." 

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is very costly.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Super computer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. 

The computer printed out a slip of paper. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"