The Sky Grows Grey ~ Chapter 6

The buzzer sounded again and again. The incessant buzzing was doing absolutely nothing for my pounding head. I was yet to be one hundred percent sure that I didn’t have a concussion from all of the blows I received the previous night. My head ached horribly, and I definitely did not want to venture out on this Saturday as we normally did when family came to visit. I did not want anyone to lay his or her eyes upon my disfigured face.

As the buzzer continued, I stared out the back window at the sparkling snow on the trees of the neighbor’s back yard. The snow glistened a golden white as the powder captured the breaking sun. It might have possibly been a beautiful day if it hadn’t been for the force of his blows. The dark grey clouds narrowly split apart to allow gold and silver rays of light to fall upon the earth. I began to remember the last Saturday that things did not go well, the previously worst of the Saturdays I had spent with him.

On this Saturday, we attended a poker party at Alichia and Matt’s. Unlike going to the club, these nights were more frightening than any other. These were the nights that he wished to show his buddies his power over me, along with his power over them. He would drink hard liquor and would out drink any man that challenged him.

…The night was warm, and I had been called earlier in the day. My boss from the pizzeria informed me that the young girl that worked weekends had fallen ill during her shift. Though he knew I worked at more than one place of employment, he had no choice but to ask me if I could come in to work the next morning. With bills to pay, the extra money was welcomed, so I agreed to cover her shift Sunday morning. However, my keeper was angry that I had agreed to come in at all. He complained that we had plans for a poker party, and he insisted that he would not be leaving early. I asked if maybe he could get a ride home, and just I could return home early. Though he grumbled about it, he did not want me losing the job because this income was needed to help pay for his education.

We arrived at Alichia and Matt’s around seven. Alichia and I played with her two boys while the men were out back grilling some steaks. We had already prepared the salad and beans, and the potatoes were in the oven. I loved Alichia’s boys very much, especially her youngest. He was only seven months old and had already gone through a couple of surgeries to help repair his severe cleft palette. There were several more surgeries to go, and I would take off work to stay with the baby, so Alichia could get some sleep and spend time with his brother. Alichia always asked for my help when feeding the boys. The baby had to be fed his baby food and cereal a certain way; and rather than asking some of the other guys’ girlfriends and showing them how to feed the babe, it was easier to have me help. I didn’t mind because I had figured this would be the closest I would ever come to being a mother.

After the boys were fed, bathed, and put to bed, dinner was ready to be served. The guys made their plates first and sat around the large oak table in the dining room. The women were left with scraps of meat, usually those with great amounts of fat and gristle. There was always plenty of salad and potatoes though. The women would take our plates out to the porch and sit around the picnic table. I felt that it was barbaric for the men to keep us separated from them during mealtime, but I enjoyed Alichia’s company. The other women were some girls that the single men had picked up at the bar or met just a few days before. Therefore, I never really knew any of them; neither did Alichia. For a matter-of-fact, we weren’t even interested in getting to know them.

After dinner, the men had us clear the table and clean it while they poured the drinks for themselves and their dates. My keeper brought me my drink, and I reminded him I would be leaving early. Alichia looked over her shoulder at me, winked, grabbed a couple of sodas from the fridge, and headed outside. Alichia didn’t drink because the baby was still breastfed. The doctor had recommended it, since the baby did not seem to choke as he did on the bottles of formula. I told him that I hadn’t planned on drinking since I was working in the morning. With his spare hand, he clutched my small hand and squeezed as hard as he could manage. I felt a snap and so badly wanted to cry out, but I knew better than to cry out in front of his buddies. Under his breath, he scolded, “Do not embarrass me in front of my friends.”

I gave him a pleading look as I whispered, “I won’t. I promise, sorry.” I fought back the tears that I could feel beginning to well in my dark brown eyes. “Please, I’ll take the drink and drink it.” I gently tugged my hand, but he wouldn’t let go. He squeezed harder, and my fingertips quickly began to turn blue and swell.

He had the strong smell of liquor on his breath as he bent down to block the expression on my face. “Mind yourself,” he whispered, and he kissed my lips. “I love you baby,” he said loud enough for the others to hear. Heaven forbid if others were to learn that I often didn’t have to do anything or be defiant to deserve ill treatment from him. He smiled, let go of my hand, and walked away. He glanced back glaring at me with daring eyes as he listened to his friends talk about their on-going projects.

I ducked out of the living room into the bathroom. My fingers were returning from blue to pink as I tried to open and close my hand. I winced from the pain and couldn’t keep the tears from flowing down my pale face. Any time he grabbed my hand, it was always my right one. He was left handed, and in order to inflict his superiority, I had to feel his full strength. Unfortunately, I am right handed, so I’ve had to learn how to use my left. When I looked down at the purpling stain beneath my skin, I was glad that I learned to use my left hand tonight. The muscle ached, and the bone below the bruise was tender to the touch.

I looked in the mirror and saw that my tears had caused my makeup to run and smear. I knew that Alichia kept makeup and washcloths in the built-in cabinet just behind me. I wet a dark green washcloth with warm water and wiped the black veins left behind from the combination of hot tears and mascara. I quickly reapplied the make up and held my eyes closed for a few minutes to rid myself of reddened eyes. I practiced my smile in the mirror hoping that I could convince myself that I was okay. I failed to do so, but I remembered the ladies were already out on the back porch. I realized that sneaking past the guys and out the back door meant I wouldn’t have to convince anyone by the way I looked. Once he could not see me, I poured the drink in the grass, and Alichia handed me one of the sodas she grabbed earlier. “Are you ever going to leave him?” She asked. I had never told her about him or the abuse, but it wasn’t hard for her to figure things out once she got to know me. I didn’t answer, and she let the question go.

I knew she had grown to care for me as we became close with one another, but I couldn’t share my secrets with her, not these anyway. All of the other secrets she knew, but these secrets were the ones that I couldn’t trust anyone with. I knew that Alichia kept no secrets from Matt and would tell him anything I had told her, which I didn’t mind because I truly believed that people who love one another should never leave each other in the dark. This very thought is what made me first begin to question my relationship. Now that I look back on it, it is strange to think that the abuse never drew my attention, as it was something perfectly natural to me. It was something I had lived my entire life with, and it was something I watched from the time I was born, but it was never something that made me question how much two people loved one another. Anyway, I also knew that Matt and my husband were close, and it was Matt that I didn’t trust to keep my secret, not Alichia. She and I talked about other things as we sat in the cooling air on her patio.

At around ten at night, I knew it was time for me to head home and get some rest before I had to arrive at work the next morning. I entered the dining area when from the back window I noticed the guys were taking a break from their poker game. He was actually doing well at the game tonight and had a big pile of ones sitting in front of him. This was good because it meant he would arrive home in a good mood.

I walked over next to him and told him that I would be heading home. He grinned, obviously proud of the money he swindled out of the other guys. He handed over the keys to the small Toyota pickup we owned, well, he owned. He always made sure that I was aware that nothing of his belonged to us, but everything of mine was his just as much as it was mine. “Be careful, and watch for cops. You know you don’t have a license, and the truck could be impounded if you get pulled over.”

“I understand,” I answered. “Just in case, what should I do if I am pulled over? What should I say?”

“Just tell the officer that we got into an argument and that you are going straight home,” he chuckled.

“Okay.” I bent down to give him a kiss and almost gagged on the fumes of liquor that emanated from his breath. After he let me go, I headed out the door and started the small pickup. I was glad that he parked on the street because I was still learning to drive and hadn’t quite gotten down backing up yet.

I headed down the street, stopped at the stop sign, and turned right on the main street that would take me back to our side of town. I noticed a car behind me, but only thought it was normal traffic for the city. As soon as the car turned the corner behind me, a siren began to wail and red and blue lights flashed from the roof and the grill of the car.

“Damn!” I pulled over to the side of the road and dug out my insurance, registration, and my learner’s permit to hand to the advancing officer.

“License and registration,” the officer spat out as he approached the side of the car while I rolled down the driver’s side window. I handed the items to him as he looked down at the fresh bruise on my hand. I suddenly felt self-conscious, and the tears that failed me earlier in the evening flowed from my eyes as I tried to hide my hand.

“Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” He asked.

“No,” I squeaked.

“Well, I saw you pull off from that party back there. I was afraid you were a drunk driver getting on the streets tonight, and you have a taillight out.” He paused, “Are you aware that you handed me a learner’s permit instead of a license?”

“Yes, officer, I do. I normally don’t drive, but I didn’t have much of a choice tonight,” I replied between the sobs.

“Well, I need you to get out of the car, shut it off, leave the lights on, and walk to the front of the car.”

At this point, the tears were flowing freely, and I was shaking like a leaf. He was going to be so mad at me. I just knew he was. The officer noticed my demeanor and stated, “My lord, you are trembling. What seems to be the problem?”

I confided in him, “Officer, I normally don’t drive, and I haven’t been drinking tonight. I have to work in the morning and was just trying to get home so I could get some sleep before work.” Then I remembered what my husband told me to tell the officer if I got stopped. “I had tried to get my husband to bring me home, but he had been drinking far too much to drive. We got into a fight, and I took off in the car to go home.” The officer handed my papers back to me, and I dropped the permit on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, my blouse fell open through which the officer could see my bra along with the old bruises on my chest from some silly altercation earlier in the week. When I noticed him looking, I slapped my hand to my chest to close my shirt and stood back up so quickly my head swooned.

“Are you certain that you are okay?” The officer asked with a concerned look on his face.

“I’m just scared because I know he will be so angry at me if the car is impounded. I know I shouldn’t have left the party without a licensed driver with me, but everyone else had been drinking except for Alichia, and she couldn’t leave her babies at home with a bunch of impaired people watching over them.” I knew that I didn’t give the young officer the answer he had wished for by the expression on his face. However, I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell him about the bruises or how they got there because I knew that truth would only get me hurt worse.

The officer took pity on me and said, “Well, I’m not supposed to do this, but here’s what I’m gonna do. I want you to calm down and sit on the hood of the truck. I won’t tell anyone that I pulled you over and will tell dispatch that the driver was sober and just forgot to turn their headlights on. I want you to continue to sit on this hood until you can’t see me anymore. I don’t want you to tell me what you are going to do after that; and if anyone else pulls you over tonight, you did not see me.”

I crawled on the hood of the truck and sat there as my tears slowed, and my trembling turned to shivers from the cool night air that had just begun to blow in from the north. The young officer sat the keys on the hood next to me and repeated, “You did not see me tonight, okay? I could get in a lot of trouble for this, but I know that jail is not a place that you need to be, especially not tonight.”

I let out a sigh of relief, “Okay.” The officer returned to his car and drove out ahead of me. I watched as the car moved down the street and was mesmerized by the red taillights that grew smaller and smaller until they disappeared all together. Instead of getting right back in the warmth and safety of the truck, I lay back on the warm hood and looked up at the sky.

The sky was as dark as pitch and was not choked out by the clouds as I had seen so often since moving to the city. In the east, the new moon was still yellow as it reached high above the earth. A star twinkled here and there. The lights of the city drowned out the rest of the stars, but the few stars in the sky there were held me captive, and I felt as one with the universe. Each star shining was a wondrous sight, and the stars twinkled like perfect little diamonds, sapphires, and rubies catching enough light to brilliantly sparkle. I felt as though the stars were signaling to one another, and only I was to in on their secrets. Like gods and goddesses gone so long ago, their light had burned out long before my eyes were to behold them. As they divulged their secrets to one another, I whispered my deepest darkest secrets to them. The orangey glow of the moon dimmed as the moon climbed higher and higher, and the amber color lightened to an almost perfect grey white.

The cool breeze whipped through the trees and leaves began to fall to the earth, dancing their way down slowly as they spun in the air. They reminded me of the little white puffs from a dandelion that spins through the air when blown away by the breath of children. As I lay on the hood of the small pickup, the wind grew colder and harder. Goose pimples rippled across my skin, and I began to shiver. I quickly hopped in the truck and carefully made my way home.

Somehow, he had made it home before me. How had this happened? I knew how, but I never expected him to leave his buddies on a poker night. Something had gone wrong, terribly wrong. I could tell by his expression that he was hot. I feebly smiled and asked, “What are you doing home already? I thought after your winning streak you would have stayed for the remainder of the night.”

I stepped closer and set down my purse, but he didn’t answer. Instead, he yelled, “You stupid little whore!” as he backhanded me across the face.

I tasted the blood in my mouth as I cried, “What did I do?”

“That officer that pulled you over showed up at Matt and Alichia’s. He asked to talk to the owner of a white Toyota pickup. I was so fucking afraid that you were in an accident; and for all I knew, you were dead or something. But, to my surprise, the officer was there to talk to me about an altercation me and my wife got in earlier tonight.” He pulled his fist back ready to spring into action as he asked, “What in the fuck did you tell him?” His fist flew forward and pounded me in my breastplate.

I struggled to catch my breath as the wind escaped my body. I strained to answer, “Nothing… I-I… promise! I only told him what you said…” I pulled a large gulp of air into my lung “…to tell him. That’s all.”

“Then why in the hell did he know about the bruises on your body?”

“He must have seen them when I bent down to get my learner’s permit from where I dropped it,” I replied, which only infuriated him.

“See, I knew it was your fucking fault. You and your god damned clumsiness! Why in the hell can’t you learn to be more careful? I swear! It’s like I’m raising a goddamned child rather than being a husband to a wife. Clean off your god damned chin before you drip blood on your new shirt.”

I quickly moved to the restroom, grabbed a washcloth to catch the blood flowing down from my chin, and turned on the water. The stopped up basin quickly began to fill, so I shut the water off. The water drained out very, very slow, and the drain gurgled as the water tried to make its way down the clogged pipe. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for him to see any of the bruises,” I hollered from the restroom trying to keep my voice as cheerful as I could. “I promise. I won’t do it again.”

When I bent to look for the item clogging the drain, he snuck up behind me and grabbed me by the back of my head. With his long fingers entangled in my hair, he shoved my face down into the porcelain basin. Though I felt him pushing me down toward the water, his movement was so quick that I hadn’t the time to catch a breath before my face was submerged in the water.

Subconsciously, I inhaled. I began to choke on the water, which made him pull my head back from the water. I supposed killing me would alert people to the abuse in our false happy home.

“Don’t you ever fucking do that to me again. If it is a choice between going to jail and turning the cops on me, you sure as hell better make sure it’s your own ass that ends up in jail. If you ever have me arrested, you better hope you die in a freak accident before I ever get out. I will kill both you and your family, but first you will be tortured so bad that you will be wishing for death…”

“Buzz, buzz, buzz…” The buzzer at the gate distracted me from the memory. I ducked as I heard voices outside my window. I recognized one of the faint male voices as my brother’s. Oh, God, I hope they didn’t see me. I scooted to the corner of the cabinets and drew my legs to my body. I then pressed my back as close to the cabinets as I could and tightly hugged my knees hoping that they wouldn’t see me.

As he knocked on the window, I faintly heard my brother’s voice state, “I wonder where they are. He said that they would be here waiting for us when….” His voice trailed off, and tears ran down my face when I realized the disappointment in my baby brother’s voice. I missed him dearly and wanted to spend time with him. He had always been my very best friend, and we shared a lot of good times with one another.

“Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz….” Now that I knew it wasn’t my brother or cousin persistently pressing on that damn buzzer, I grew frustrated. Mom had to be the one doing it. My head hurt so horribly, and the buzzer just made the pain worse and the pounding stronger. I swore she knew I was in there and was purposely buzzing and buzzing and buzzing just to piss me off or to make my headache worse. Where in the hell is he?

...to be continued...