Our Top Ten Turn-Offs When Talking to Other Swingers...

....Actually, it would probably be more accurate to say our only 10.

We actually despise posting all these long boring lists that probably come off as really intimidating or very arrogant, when in fact we're quite the opposite we're just an average easy going couple looking for some fun with other like minded couples.  Unfortunately we've gotten more and more frustrated in our search and after a fair amount of consideration we concede to that being because we are, for lack of a better term, picky.  We don't want our encounters with other couples to be entirely on our terms, in fact our terms can be very flexible under the right circumstances but there are just some things that turn us off quickly, either physically or psychologically.  When we're chatting on the 'net, or the phone, or even frequently at a dinner date or nightclub we start every conversation with no preconceived notions and we're probably just as eager for it to go well as the other couple is, but it is still nonetheless a screening process for us, so we thought we would share what was our private list of things we look for in another couple that will cause us to say a polite goodbye and excuse ourselves.  We're not posting this to benefit us in anyway, its our list, we know what we're looking for, on the contrary we're hoping this may benefit the reader so that they can gain some insight as to the reason we may have declined a meeting, we will usually tell you up front what we saw in you that caused us to lose interest, but we're not out to hurt anyone's feelings so sometimes we're too subtle for some to truly understand what we meant so we're posting this list in the terms we use ourselves without all the fluff and subtlety, sorry if this seems offensive to you, but we don't mean it as such, its just an expression of our personal tastes.

Just a footnote before we begin this list is broken down into grouped categories, in terms of how we see the other couple displaying the individual traits that turn us off.  This is the shortest and most to-the-point way could find to express this to where someone could understand our feelings on this subject.  Often its not any single thing that turns us off to another couple but rather multiple traits within the same one of these categories, or something along those lines.  And we've organized this list as best we could in terms of how much of a turn off to us something can be, but we've listed it here in reverse order for reasons we care not to share.

Category 10...."Honey, we're doing all the work here" ....

We enjoy good conversation, good times, and good friends, we will not allow our social lives to become something we have to work at, we will not bend over backwards to impress you, we will not let everything be conducted entirely on your terms, and we will not perform as the objects of your fantasies.  Simply put relax, and enjoy, we will compromise our terms with your terms to make it fun for all, we will maintain our decorum, we do not expect to be entertained by you, we will share in effort to plan meetings, expenses, etc. But when it appears to us that we have to do everything your way or else, or you expect us to kow-tow to your whims and needs without any give-and-take, we'd just as well move on.

...Just a little added footnote here, after a little time has passed we've come to realize that a little more needs to be said on this subject...Simply Put, it comes down to, "Get It Together".  Contact is a two-way street, if there is actually a mutual connection between us, then there should be no reason why you can't be the ones to get in touch with us from time to time.  If we find someone else to be interesting enough we will surely send a message/email or make a phone call fairly frequently to keep in touch and try to make plans, but once we realize it's never you calling us or we never see anything from you in our email or we see you on IM constantly but you never IM us, we consider that an indication that you do not have a significant enough interest in us to want to contact us, so we will honestly begin doing ourselves what you are already started...not bothering to contact you.  So if you are sitting there wondering what ever happened to us and why you never hear from us anymore, consider this your clue.  Additionally, we don't do dead-air, having a decent conversation with someone involves active participation by both parties so if we IM you or you IM us and you sit there passively and the best you can come up with is "lol", ":)", or "that's cool" or we end up chatting on the phone and your end of the conversation is "uh huh"; we lose our patience and say goodbye.  Sorry, we have better ways to spend our day than sitting in front of the computer trying to wake you up and keep you interested in your IM window.

Category 9..."Gee dear, I think they've almost nailed that new world record for fastest 'hello-to-bedroom speed'"....

Look swinging to us is just as much about being friends with the couples we play with as it is about the sex, and this aint the last time you'll hear us say it either.  We will not drag you around for months playing email tag and IM swapping, nor will we get anywhere near a meet-and-bang situation...do we need to explain this any farther? Didn't think so.

Category 8...Picture hunters and cybersex junkies...

We're not looking for your picture to have something to drool over while we fantasize about having sex with others, we want it so that we can figure out if we want to have sex with you, we only trade pictures with people who at least at first glance appear genuine and we feel we're interested in meeting, ask for a pic straightaway without at least making acquaintance first and it's over, if we answer a post requesting a pic with reply we accommodate, likewise if we ask for one in one of our ads, you chose to respond, so we expect you to accommodate us, under any other normal circumstances tho we will resign ourselves to being patient and waiting for you to be comfortable enough to trade, but if it becomes a hassle, we will consider you not serious and will act accordingly.  If you even attempt silly cybersex games, don't even expect us to say goodbye, we already threw you on the ignore list and closed the message window, it doesn't get any easier than that to understand.

Category 7...Sorry cowboy (or cowgirl as the case may be), but no one-ride-rodeos in this arena...

Look swinging to us is just as much about being friends with the couples we play with as it is about the sex, sound familiar?  We have met far too many couples than we care to who approach swinging from the standpoint that all swingers should just automatically tear their clothes off immediately upon meeting another couple, if it works for you, great, if you think it will work on us, wrong.  Only under incredibly rare circumstances of exceptionally great first meetings have we ever considered adjourning to the bedroom that evening.  But primarily we operate on a trust basis and trust must be developed over time, and we're not talking about the time it takes to have a single conversation over 2 drinks.  If you think an encounter with us is just a quick way to get a cheap thrill, save yourself the effort.  There's some underlying stuff here we want you aware of up-front also, this is the viewpoint behind our philosophy on travel and swing clubs as well. First travel, we have never managed to make a friendship work with long distance couples, and believe us we've tried, and tried, and tried again, the only thing that will motivate anyone (including us) to drive 100 miles to meet strangers is the sheer hope that the people at the other end will be naked, which is great, but not for us, we prefer couples where we can call up on Thursday and say "hey, y'all wanna hit Bar X for some drinks and dancing tomorrow?" and no one has to find an atlas or plot peak traffic times or better yet the Saturday morning phone call "hey we found some great steaks on sale yesterday, wanna come by this afternoon and have a BBQ"...get the point?  Now swing clubs, not a damn thing wrong with them, we've even passed on recommendations about them to others, will you ever see us in one, HELL NO, here's the simple list of why...A) Just too damn far to drive for a good time; B) They are always in trouble with the bible belt cops around here; C) Too friggin expensive membership dues, plus door cover - bump that!; D) we are not looking for voyeurism, groping, stalking, or someone to go home with that night E) The cover charge is prejudicial, single women are such a fuckin precious commodity to swingers that they get all the perks, free memberships, free cover, ass loads of attention while they are there and all guys are so reviled among swinging women, married and single that they aren't welcome, therefore anything involving a guy getting in the door (single or with his wife) skyrocket's the prices in an effort to keep them away F) BYOB..c'mon blue laws are lame, easy enough, who wants to have to worry about stopping at the liquor store on the way to the club, that's why all normal night clubs have bars, G) neither of us drink and drive, its idiotic and dangerous, so when we're both out to have a good time we both have a few and catch a cab home, oops the swing clubs are 50 miles away so there goes that plan unless we catch a cab to a hotel room, hmm let's do a quick tally $50-all night babysitter, $10-gas money, $60-membership, $40-cover charge, $40 hotel room, $10 cab fair (club to hotel and back to car in the morning), $20 incidentals and food...Total $230 for one night of face time with 200 horny strangers --we'll pass, thanks.  So in general we're quite content having a good time at the nightclub just down the street.

Category 6...Sorry but that just is not attractive to us at all...

We won't sit here and chuck insults around the room, but we do have our own personal thoughts on what is physically attractive. We ourselves are not Athena and Hercules, nor do we expect anyone else to be but we do draw a line between a few extra pounds and sheer obesity and since this about sexual encounters, if we do not feel physically attracted to you then we have no desire to meet you.  Sorry if this next part hits you in places near and dear to your heart, but so be it, we do not like the use of the euphemism BBW, its an internetism for "fat, proud of it, and intend to stay that way because I think its attractive", you may find it attractive, but we do not, if its a way in which you are content to live your life you will not hear us speak ill of you, but you will also not receive an invitation to meet and we will graciously decline yours.

Category 5...Dude it's not our job to talk your wife into fulfilling your sexual fantasies, come back after she's told you she's interested...

...what the hell made you message us anyway?  We won't play with you without your other half , and seeing as how you are just plain too chickenshit to even approach her for fear she'll divorce you, we don't have much reason to be talking, we will not help you persuade her, that's your job, she's your wife.  Now if you're a new couple to this lifestyle and you've discussed it and are looking for helpful information we're more than fine with that, everyone has to start somewhere, feel free to drop us a line.

Category 4..."Honey, please remind me again what we have in common with these people"?.?.?

Look swinging to us is just as much about being friends with the couples we play with as it is about the sex, hmm. is three times enough?  If we can't find anything outside the bedroom that we have in common with you then we will not get anywhere near the bedroom with you.  We're not looking to spend 24/7 with another couple but if all we're gonna do is get together periodically to fuck then sorry it doesn't work for us. We also don't set age limits because of this, we don't care what the calendar says, its all in if we can actually enjoy each others company.

Category 3..."Oh here we go again! Another month of IM tag" -- the exact opposite of category 9...

If every offer on our part to advance from internet to phone or from phone to meeting is met with some excuse we will begin to weigh the excuses against how often we hear them, and we will make our own decision whether or not we think you are serious and if we feel that you are not intent on actually progressing forward we will lose patience, say our goodbyes, and move on, we are not into playing silly games on the internet, it is just a way to meet new people so if you are not interested we expect you to say so and if you are we will expect you to pony up and get serious.

Category 2..."They're back again, dear"...

Nothing is more frustrating than having to go through all the same shit two, three, four....times but some folks just never catch a clue.  We actively pursue this lifestyle so we run ads, post messages on bulletin boards, etc all in an effort to meet other like minded couples, but inevitably every time we post a new message some skeleton comes screaming out of the closet to haunt us.  The truly sad part is that its usually someone who spends so much time replying to so many ads that they message you thinking this is their first time talking to you, and nothing has changed from the last time they talked to you.  Bottom line here is if we've told you before that we aren't interested then we will not go through the same shit again, we'll tell you up front that we've talked before, and it didn't work then so it wont work now...the third time you pull that we will simply ignore you, do it four times and you'll find your screenname and/or email address listed right here for all (including you) to see.

Category 1...Married lesbians, and others who misrepresent themselves...

We've heard the following terms too many times already so if we hear them again,  see them in you're profile, or catch a freudian slip that gives us cause to think this is how you feel, or anything of the sort we just became a vapor trail, 'nice knowin ya, please don't keep in touch': "My husband/boyfriend only wants to watch", "Soft-swing", "I'm looking for a girlfriend to spend some private time with", "Not looking for another guy I already have one", etc...any of this sound familiar.  We, like many others swing with others mainly so that she can have opportunities to satisfy her urges for other females, but when we're playing with another couple the expectation is that Everyone will leave satisfied, not just the women, cold hard fact here is that we both participate and we do it without inhibition or restriction, that way he leaves satisfied as well.  Of all of the experiences we've had so far the only truly horrible one's for us have been the one's in which male-female contact between couples has seemed unwanted, so ladies if you cannot or will not relax and have just as much fun with another male as you do with another female or gentlemen if you don't want you're wife penetrated by another man, please leave us alone, neither of us have any interest in what you are offering.

...Sorry, have to throw another note in here about etiquette also...

OK folks you would think this would really go unsaid considering it applies in everyday life not just swinging, but as always, there are some truly clueless people among us.  We chose to leave this off the top ten list because it doesn't even rate, doing any or all of these will get you straight up cussed out and left sitting by yourselves at a restaurant.  Swinging is a social event, just like any other social event so act like you're momma gave you some class.  ...

... First off, that damned cell phone, we suggest you find and appropriate place for it before we get the chance to suggest where you can put it. Now, we have them too, but we have learned how to silence them and have the willpower to miss calls when the occasion requires, we do have kids and babysitters so we do understand the need to pick up right away, however just random phone calls from friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and even worse the other people you swing with are highly inappropriate and quite rude when in the company of others (namely us). If we have to sit through being ignored at the dinner table or constantly being interrupted during conversation when we're together one more time, we will be gone before you finish the call. We do not mind you answering calls from your sitter or kids that require your attention immediately, we get those occasionally as well, but please resist the urge to spend the evening yakking with your girlfriends or hunting buddies and definitely don't be sitting there making your next swing date it's highly inconsiderate of us especially since we have actually set aside time to hang out with you.  After all it comes down to one word VOICEMAIL, let it ring through and straighten it all out when we're not around.

... Secondly, please be adult in your scheduling tactics.  Tops in this department is simply keep your commitments, be where you say you're going to be when you say you are going to be there.  If you must cancel, we understand that stuff comes up and we won't be offended, all we ask is that you do it far enough in advance that it allows us to reschedule our time.  Now, a quick word on canceling, cancellations are something you do because of circumstances beyond your control such as work got in the way, your sitter fell through on you, somebody ended up in the hospital, etc, not simply because you found something (or someone) better to do or you just got cold feet, that is highly inconsiderate on your part and very rude to us.  So if you are going to commit to meeting us be sure its what you want to do, be sure you are confident enough in what you are doing to actually meet off line (for you newer folks) - and be sure that out of all the couples you know and parties you've heard about that in your opinion your time is best spent with us, don't agree to meet us and then back out the day before because you found a houseparty you would rather be at.  Nobody wants to feel as if they are the "plan B", and assuming that you would not want to be treated that way, please don't do that to us. 

... And lastly, just a bit more on scheduling.  Quit staring at your damn watch like you have somewhere else to be.  What we mean is don't double and triple stack your plans for the evening, don't agree to hang out with us for dinner, someone else for drinks, and still try to make it to the houseparty by 11.  If you have sitter with a curfew or something like that we completely understand, let us know up-front and we will schedule accordingly, sometimes we have issues like that to consider as well.  But, one of the quickest ways to get us to ditch you is to leave us with the impression that you are in a hurry to get done with us so you can make it to your next engagement.  We try to keep all of our meetings "no pressure"...but please do not infer that to mean "no sex", time is a pressure, this is not speed dating, a five minute dinner is not some block you have to check off before you can have sex with us, quite contrary it is the fact that a "no pressure" first encounter may actually go so well that dinner turns into adjourning elsewhere for a few drinks and then continuing the evening in bed somewhere and on to breakfast the next morning...so leaving the remainder of the evening open-ended may not be entirely disadvantageous.  But if you have a sure-thing lined up some friday night and you think you can still pencil us in for cocktails earlier in the evening...don't bother.