194 Be vampiric and have songs about vampires despite hating Goths
195 Let out a huge sigh when someone from outside the scene asks what black metal is about. Proceed to give an answer that gives no real information at all
196 Do not buy obscure albums off eBay. All of your true vinyl collection was given to you personally by Euronymous. Really.
197 In case you couldn't tell, Rule 196 is a lie. Spend entire third world economies (given to you by your Christian parents you claim are weak while you are self-reliant) on hand-numbered ep's.
198 Constantly bemoan how strong the scene was a few years ago, no matter what year it is
199 When chatting online, be sure to NEVER use chat abbreviations like 'OMG', 'BRB', or the dreaded ;)
200 Wear military fatigues and pretend you don't look silly
201 When wearing a plain non-band black shirt, make sure to have a silver necklace of a baphomet, inverted pentagram, inverted cross, Thor's Hammer, etc. Two or three of these are fine, more than four is crossing the cold starlit line.
202 Call him Wotan or Odin, actually. Thor is what the unawakened call him.
203 Never admit to being influenced by The Misfits
204 Do not wear a baseball cap, even if it does have an embroidered logo of Darkthrone on it
205 Do not wear beanies, even if they have baphomets on them
206 The same goes for hankercheifs with skulls or pentagrams on them
207 Do not wear anything with the 'www.blackmetal.com' logo on it. This is hardly underground.
208 Never be in a situation where some kind of plastic toy could end up in your hands and go 'squeak.'
209 Use pages from the bible to kindle all fires, from the barbecue to the church burning
210 Hone your evil black soul by looking into a candlelit mirror and having a grim staring contest with yourself
211 Never...ever...even though it might seem otherwise if you think about it...
212 ...listen to bands with black people in them. Even though black clothing and black metal and black plauges are true, this only works because cultural symbolism from your euro-centric nationalist mind has white meaning good and black meaning evil. To admit black people are either good or evil throws a wrench in your whole ethos, and you must become enraged when confronted with this and immediately spout some white supremist sound byte
213 Remember you are not actually a racist or white supremist, even though you obvisouly are, you simply have pride in your own clan as they must have pride in theirs, and thus it is your natural right to say they are less human and inferior to you. Never mind they invented music.
214 Blaspheme. Constantly.
215 Save time and be grim, necro, true, satanic, heathen, pagan, and Norse all at once
216 Do not own kittens or puppies. Anything cuddly must be avoided except for the members of Immortal.
217 Hail, dark hail, or darkest hail other true people. Be careful of spiked bracers when shaking hands or giving heathen Viking manly war-hugs
218 Admire totalitarian despots despite the fact they would have hated you and had you and your silly scene mass murdered in a heartbeat
219 Never admit to the whole 'black metal - rap' connection, in that these are the only two genres of music where it is more important to have impressive criminal records than it is to know how to make your music well, and the subject matter of both is almost exclusively to talk about how great and powerful and superior one band is or one scene is compared to everyone else, and paradoxically how all the bands and scene will rise up and crush the rulers, even while all the bands are busy hating each other. That and that in both genres, being 'black' is very important. Also, having the most expensive obscure outfit covered in religious jewelry helps in both genres.
220 On that note, be sure to boost the impressiveness of your own criminal record and that of your band with outright lies
221 Be thrown into a barbaric rage when someone mentions Doom Metal
222 Be thrown into a barbaric rage just as a general guideline on how to be
223 Make sure you play drums or guitar really fast in the studio and terribly slow live. Never admit to having sped up the master tape before making your kult releases.
224 Barbarians are true. Conan is not, despite killing James Earl Jones.
225 Spelling god as 'gawd' is not blasphemy enough. Ask Havohej about this.
227 Make inverted crosses with your drumsticks when not playing with them
228 Spend an amazing ammount of time ajusting your amp settings, distortion pedal settings, and tuning, despite the fact your guitars sound like static no matter what
229 If you have access to a generator, make sure to record a black ceremony and special bonus tracks in a cave or forest
230 Make plans to actually kill a lot of people with military equipment, but just kill one annoying fan or burn a church with no-one in it instead
231 Commit your evil crimes in Norway, which has one of the most liberal and forgiving justice systems the world has ever known, so that you can go to jail for 10 years for premeditated sadistic murder and still do interviews and release albums in comfort. Extreme music means being extremely careful to commit crimes where no real harm will come to you if you get caught. There is no middle ground!
232 Black metal is a male genre. If you are a nationalist, call it 'the fatherland,' not 'the motherland'
233 When filling space on your CD inset, LP gatefold, shirt, or album cover, just add "True 'your region' black metal"
234 True tip - to apply corpsepaint, simply trace the design with a thin eyebrow pencil, then fill in with white or black. It's that simple! Never admit to using let alone knowing what an eyebrow pencil is.
235 Never admit to having missed band practice, or any true activity, due to a social church function such as a wedding or Bat Mitzvah
236 Spend more time making mix tapes compiled from your huge collection of icy satanic black metal than writing riffs for your band. Spend equal parts of time hating how the scene is now and remebering how it used to be, with a small ammount of time left over to actually be a part of the current scene.
237 Bored, restless, and creative true types might prefer to call their songs hymns, paeans, recitations, etc.
238 When writing lyrics, use confusing phrases that might intrigue an evil 12-year-old such as "the realm of jehovah has weakened my magic. how?" but sound downright funny to anyone else.
239 Get in a huff over people who ask you about 'white metal,' 'pink metal,' or other non-black metal
240 Burn all pictures and other evidence of you listening to and actually enjoying such false bands as Metallica, Deicide, Dark Funeral, Depeche Mode, Dimmu Borgir, etc.
241 Get a hold of a copy of The Anarchist Cookbook and proceed to never do anything from it
242 After a certain ammount of time being at the center of the innermost black circle, start never wearing band shirts, only black, don a trench coat instead of your cloak, and spend a lot of time at shooting ranges, with your wife and kids, etc.
243 Watch Kennerth Anger films and like them despite the fact he is a flamingly gay satanic filmmaker
244 The fact that being gay means you can be flaming does NOT make it true
245 Be medieval when convenient, but live in a modern house with electricity, plumbing, amps, bullet belts, your parents, and other non-dark-age conveniences. Be a black metal Henry David Thoreau.
246 Take out your dark desires upon small wildlife such as squirrels, and think you are honestly truly evil because you shot a bunny and nailed it to a church door meanwhile Christians are busy waging wars, having inquisitions and crusades, voting republican, refusing to advocate birth control in third-world countries, beating gays and leaving them to die on barbed wire, bombing abortion clinics full of people (you only burn churches at night when no-one's in them) and truly doing the work of the dark lord. Never reveal this paradox to anyone, including yourself.
247 On the one hand, point out how arrogant and hypocritical organized religion is, yet you, being the essence of true dark grim freezing astral glacial evil; have friends, are nice to your mom and dad, and generally do not kill and destroy all in your path
248 Become frustrated when you start realizing there really is no secret evil kult literature to get a hold of, and you can't really summon any over-fiends, and that the Necronomicon was probably written by Lovecraft or Crowley or a fan of them.
