137 Have a love/hate relationship with Immortal, Emperor, Darkthrone, and Mayhem. Get into huge elongated discussions about the exact point in scene history these bands sold out / became false.
138 Like Burzum
139 Own hundreds upon thousands of obscure 7"s, CD's, and cassettes of bands you never even listen to
140 Own shirts of bands no-one has heard of
141 Better yet, own shirts of bands you have never heard of
142 Spend a ridiculous ammount of energy on spiked bracers and then call them gauntlets, even though you supposedly know all about being medieval. Wear them even though they make your musical dexterity / ability worse.
143 True tip - when trying to find an evil candleabra for band photos, take grandma's silver one and paint it black
144 It's not makeup. It's not face paint. It's corpsepaint. Not 'Halloween ghoul makeup' like it says on the package.
145 If you have long hair, dye it black or keep it Aryan blonde - there is no dirty blonde or brown middle ground!
146 When performing live, which you should only do under extreme circumstances and in a very small venue, make sure to announce your songs in the same voice you do vo-kills in. That way only those true enough to have your 7" off eBay for $80 will know what song you're playing
147 Make random semi-ritual dissertations on evil and truth and the scene between songs when playing live
148 Use blood, preferably let from yourself by a knife, other medieval weapon, barbed wire, or bayonet, onstage at all times. Drinking it out of a goat skull is acceptable.
149 When onstage or in band photos, you might think it would be evil and gloomy to wear a German world-war-I or II helmet. This is not acceptable. Make reference to such eras in song and in interviews only. Bullet belts are the only acceptable WWII memorabilia, along with SS, SD, death's head, and Hitler Youth pins and armbands. These items are only true if you deny wearing them later.
150 Refuse to admit the whole Sarcofago-influence thing
152 Glam is not true, but obviously-blues-scale-Judas-Priest-Iron-Maiden-type solos and lead guitar phrases are fine if used with enough wrath. Dissection are masters at this.
153 Wear Venom shirts at least once a week
154 Own all Venom albums on vinyl. Hang them on the wall in obvious homage to the interior decorating schemes of Helvete
155 Shop at new age hippie stores for pentagrams to invert and candles to burn. Deny it.
156 Don't even understand that the inverted pentagram is inverted. Just call it a pentagram.
157 Have a stance about whether you side with Euronymous or Varg. Make pro- or anti- flyers
158 Be sure, when you come across recently deceased band members, to take some part of them and cook it up in a nice stew so you can legitimately claim to be a cannibal
159 Use of the word 'gloomy' must be done with extreme care to be true. Consult bands before 1992 if in doubt
160 Staying thin an in shape is important for church burnings and the eventual war with Christianity. Run around in the forest waving medieval weaponry at least once every other day. Pilates is not true, nor is the Atkins diet.
161 Having a friend videotape this true grim exercise is fine, as long as the footage is out of focus, off-balance, and to be used in a kult video that will never be released.
162 Feast on the flesh of the living and the dead. No vegetarians let alone vegans in the black circle.
163 Sodomize a virgin whore with no sense of irony.
164 Take close-up pictures of that virgin being deflowered with an ornate crucifix (the savvy true black metaller plunders churches BEFORE burning them to ensure excellent props to invert) while you make sure to make the sign of the horns somewhere nearby. Use this picture for an album cover to help your kult status.
165 Make idiotic statements about Aryan genealogy and your plan for white domination of earth through a selective breeding program in interviews.
166 Refuse to admit the whole 'KISS-influence' thing
167 Use that whole vernacular of penultimate evil outside the band. For example, when bragging to your fellow black metallers about scoring, be sure to use 'defiled her gates of Ishtar with my scepter of unholy might' or some such euphamism. Perhaps instead of telling people you are going to sleep, you say you will 'delve deep into the nebulous darkdream infinity of thoughts wherein your dark powers will be rekindled to crush the sheep of light.' Creativity is important here.
168 If you do make a music video, be sure to have:
169 a naked woman there for no reason,
170 at least one goat skull,
171 majestic icy landscapes out of focus and possibly filmed off of travel posters,
172 do the guitar solo while running uphill,
173 and remember that triumphant rising of swords with a solar eclipse in the background are true, despite the overabundance of light in the shot.
174 Call for true fans to destroy CoF and Dimmu Borgir in your liner notes (see rules 49-51) Do nothing yourself
175 Band names are best when not in English, despite that over half your lyrics are. Names are even better when they translate to a ridiculously simple word or phrase, i.e. Kvist=twig, Dimmu Borgir=dark castle, Burzum=darkness
177 If you do want an English band name, and are completely uninspired, try adding 'dark' to the beginning of anything; i.e. Dark Funeral, Darkthrone, Darkness, Darkane, Dark Lord, Darkwoods My Bethrothed, Darth Vader, etc.
178 Use tympani instead of bongos
179 When writing the names of the instruments you play, don't say guitars, bass, drums, etc. Guitars can be electric strings of gloomy doom, Bass can be dark pulse, Drums can be flayed skins of hyperblasting damnation, and vocals can be either Satanic Oration or Vo-Kills. Again, be creative
180 Release an album of all acoustic / ambient synth stuff that sounds nothing like the rest of your material. Perhaps mention that you don't use guitars because inferior races do. Do not soak in the obvious irony that all races have at some point used all instuments and this makes no sense (and non-whites invented every instument except the harp and synthesizer)
181 Don't make sense when talking about anything. That way you are guaranteed to be mysterious.
182 Do not let your parents drive you to a grave desecration under any circumstance
183 Attend shows you tell everyone you hate, and stand in the back the whole time being miserable. Being miserable builds true grim icy necro character. Satanic Heathens need to build character, too.
184 Have a terrible understanding of Latin, and say things like "e plurbis sathanas, anno dominus regius anum pro bono."
185 Have a bad enough grasp of geography that you say you despise / dismiss Africa but respect Egypt and Babylon and have no sense of paradox about this
186 Read by candlelight. The burning wax kind, not the record label.
187 If at all possible, make sure your occult permafrosty library of the accursed dark arts has leatherbound books or at least hardcover, not paperbacks, and you have some scrolls, even if they are just parchment you bought from a gourmet cooking store
188 Pretend to have had a near-death experience so you can claim in interviews to have a fascination with death and that you think you are only on this mortal coil on stolen time
189 Use Shakesperian words and phrases like 'this mortal coil' and 'welkin'
190 Invoke the names of Sumerian / Babylonian / Mesopotamian gods with no intelligence at all, so that you are actually invoking the gods of light instead of the gods of darkness. Marduk is the textbook example of this.
191 Never, EVER, give consise answers about what genre your band(s) are. This is non-negotiabole.
192 Try to sound intelligent in interviews and use all the big words wrong
