75 Cross arms and have hair flow down over them, obscuring your scowling face. Do this whenever you are not doing anything else. Better yet, take this base 'true' pose and modify it so that you are always looking down with hair flowing, even when completely inappropriate, such as when playing drums live
76 Have a goth girlfriend, if any, despite hating goths
77 Hate industrial music despite borrowing heavily from it
78 Think you know everything because you read 'Lords of Chaos'
79 Say you brought a torch into Helvete
80 Burn churches
81 Murder people, preferably gays or band members, even more preferably both. Claim they died for the scene.
82 Send bomb threats to big-name death metal shows
83 Wear ridiculous armor. Make sure it wouldn't stop a rubber band from hurting you.
84 Hate the Renaissance Faire despite getting your weapons and armor from there
85 Own a candleabra, preferably a few. Remember to hate Goths despite looking more and more like one!
86 Claim to actually have a clue about what Viking life was like, despite using all the wrong names for their pantheon.
87 Keep a large thesaurus, preferably one with outdated words from Pre-Shakespearian times, and use big words you have no idea what they let alone thier connotations mean
88 Have a royal title in your pseudonym. Count is good. Archduke is better.
89 Your song names must not be shorter than three words, with one-word titles in other languages being an acceptable alternative
90 Use the word 'cold' only in conjuction with something else, i.e. cold grim, cold beyond, cold sore, etc.
91 Infinity and the beyond are good subject matter, as long as they are dark. Eternal bliss would be unacceptable, but eternal darkness is excellent
92 'Dark bliss' can be ok, but refer to rule #49
93 Be sure to have a song about Countess Bathory and Vlad the Impaler, despite these being overused goth topics already
94 The moon is an excellent topic for song titles, along with Satan, Vikings taking back Christian land, war (preferably with a facist / nihilist victory), and contemplative nature-inspired reveries. Be sure with the last topic to make the nature dark, preferably with a forest or tundra at night.
95 Other acceptable topics are outer space, medieval folk tales, enemies from RPGs, suffering, death, crumbling civilizations, darkness (not being afraid of it), and pain. Be sure these topics make nonsensical references to Satan, the Necronomicon, dark cold grim pagan medieval things, and the occasional troll or orc, if not already obvious.
96 Spell it orc, not ork, unless conjugated as 'orkblut: the retaliation'
97 Sample 'Braveheart' in your album somewhere
98 Be sure to write a grim pagan dark acoustic / ambient number. If possible, have interludes of this type in many of your songs, intros, outros, etc. Never play them live.
99 Never play live
100 Break up the band as soon as you start to get successful enough to go on more than one tour. If not, you have sold out.
102 Blast beats are good, medium-paced onces are even more true
103 Make sure your drummer has jazz influences they never use
104 Guitar solos are best when incomprehensibly noisy, so no-one is sure if the guitarist is talented and technical and badly recorded or just sloppy and decently-recorded. In fact, this general rule of not being sure if the musicians suck or the recording does is a good guideline to making your releases true
105 Guitars should always be buzzing, if they are not, turn up the distortion and gain until there is plenty of mid and high-end
106 Include plugging-in and feedback when recording guitar tracks. This noise makes them that much more true and kult, making sure to never gain an un-true audience
107 Acoustic guitar parts must be amazingly well-recorded compared to everything else
108 Reverb. Reverb equals true
109 Echo. Echo equals kult
110 Vocal tracks must be pushed way up-front or buried in the mix. Extreme music calls for extreme mixing; there can be no middle ground!
111 Vocals should be screamed, not sung. Only sing if channeling a Viking mead-soaked chorus or performing an occult summoning right there in the studio
112 Annoying girlfriends should sing badly. If they sing well, make them recite trite poetry and darkly stupid spoken word on the guest voice-over part
113 Record in a 16-track studio regardless of the fact a 4-track TASCAM would have probably sounded better.
114 Record some wind, rain, crunching snow beneath iron-shod boots, medieval battle sounds, screams of pain, and throw them liberally into the mix of any song, instumental or not.
115 Lush orchestral synth parts should be in a questionable key so as not to sound too evil. Actually dark sounding synths are not a true as pagan silly ones.
116 When in doubt, have one ambient keyboard note or feedback to take up space where a riff should have gone
117 Rip of Wagner
118 Make sure to switch instuments before recording side-project material
119 Release the finished product on vinyl
120 THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. True is true. True is grim. True is necro. True is medieval. To not be true is gay.
121 Release casette demos that are obviously not demos
122 Release albums that are obviously demos
123 Colored vinyl is good, despite black being the most natural choice.
124 Tape-trade. Use distros if you must. Shopping in a store not painted black is not underground nor kult.
125 Include lyrics that are nowhere to be found in the songs
127 The insert must include photos of you. Black-and-white pictures are best. Not knowing if the pictures are color or not is even better
128 The logo MUST be unreadable!
129 The 'diploma' or 'old english' font for the rest of the insert must be similarly unreadable and badly copied, or else be an extra-glossy gold font over grim foggy blues and grays to also be unreadable. Abigor are experts at this.
130 The logo must include either an inverted cross, inverted pentagram, castle, bat wings, ice, blood, a sword or axe or other medieval weapon, or some combination thereof. 'The Black' are experts at this.
131 Include a dedication to a Mayhem member. This is non-negotiable.
132 An additional part of the insert should include an invitation to meet all naysayers on the field of battle or at least call them Jewish for being naysayers.
133 Include a 'mission statement of evil' that makes little sense and is ultimately juvenile, i.e. "We support the war on organized religion of all kinds. Hail Shaitan! Hail Ishub-Niggarath! We are true and all other bands are false, etc."
134 Use the sunwheel cross as a symbol of white power, and make reference to your support of the KKK, despite that they are American Christians who you would otherwise hate despite their neat uniforms and use of the word 'grand dragon' in their official titles
135 Spell it 'wyrm' or 'wurm,' not worm.
