2 If not white, pretend to be white
3 Wear black
4 All black
5 Only white, blue, red, purple, and gray are ok on a black background on a band shirt, as long as the predominant color is black
6 Frown
7 Grimace
8 Snarl
9 Be in a black metal band
10 No matter what instrument you play, aslo dabble in guitar and keyboards
11 Be in a side-project
12 Be in more than one side-project
13 Make sure the members of the side project are also members of the original band
14 Have guest musicians
15 Be true at all times
16 Hate everyone, including yourself
17 Read Tolkein avidly, yet hate things popular or nerdy.
18 Have a vast knowledge of RPGs, yet profess to have never even playing Hero Quest
19 Don't have fun
20 Laugh only during a vocal recording session
21 Get lyrics and a band name from one of the following: The Necronomicon, The Satanic Bible, The Book of the Law, Tolkein, Dungeons and Dragons, Castlevania, the King James bible. Quote things completely out of context.
22 Have a complicated multi-cultural post-satanic heathen occult religion, yet refuse to ever really tell anyone what it is or how it works
23 Change your beliefs frequently
24 Deny ever not being true, even when you wore punk patches and vests and drank beer and there were pictures of you smiling for no apparent reason
25 Extreme music demands extreme hair - long or bald, there can be no middle ground!
27 Drink mead and ale instead of beer or hard liquor
28 Do speed and other drugs, then categorically deny it
29 Have guns and silly modern show-knives with no purpose other than taking band pictures with them
30 IMPORTANT RULE - Profess to hate conformity but follow all of these rules and highly disapprove of all those who don't
31 Be slightly into classical and electronic music, but at some point deny this
32 Do not under any circumstances use your real name, especially if it's Christian or Christianson. That would be highly un-heathen and un-true (aka false)
33 Use words like un-true and un-light with no sense of irony
34 Wield an axe and bullet belt with no sense of irony
35 Do everything with no sense of irony
36 Do not have a sense of humor. This goes along with rule #19.
37 Do not be fat- or immediately become a death metal guitarist or bassist
38 Never, ever, under any circumstances, reveal that you are gay until stabbed in the head multiple times by another band member.
39 Hate Christianity, but mention Satan in lyrics all the time and how great he is, despite being a Christian deity.
40 Don't ever mention the whole 'Satan in a Christian invention' thing
41 Be a white supremist, but not a Nazi
42 Hate other races and religions, but be really into Mesopotamian / Sumerian / Babylonian gods and cultures. Do not think about how little this makes sense.
43 Reject any but your Viking roots, despite what your family tree is really like
44 If not a Norwegian, claim to be
45 Or be Swedish, German, Austrian, Finnish, or Quebecois
46 Have tons of money but no job, and the obvious financial backing of your Christian parents.
47 Spend lots of money on black leather and bondage gear
48 Do not, repeat, DO NOT, under any circumstances, wear a fishnet shirt. Aviod fishnet stockings as well.
49 Do not be Dani Filth, or a member of his band
50 Do not be Mortiis, but secretly want his prosthetics and makeup
52 Do not be signed to a major label
53 Your definition of a major label includes Century Media, Earache, and Metal Blade records
54 Wear band shirts whenever possible
55 Make sure to obscure shirts with a cloak with a silly oversized hood to look like a Jedi Knight, but never mention the whole sci-fi influence on you
56 Be really into sci-fi and deny it, unless you are Vondur, and then it's ok to have Imperial Stormtroopers on your album covers
57 Live somewhere near snow, castles, frozen lakes, tundra, majestic evergreen forests, northern lights, dark starlit skies, and fog, or at least add these in photoshop to your band pictures
58 Speak with a long-outdated accent that never really existed and just proves how stupid you are, like King-James-Bible-era-English
59 Write songs in English despite hating American un-true fans
60 Write songs in German
61 Write songs in Norwegian and Swedish
62 Write songs in Orcish
63 Hate Goths
64 Hate Punks
65 Hate grind kids or metal kids who have political ideas that are not facist or nihilist
66 Don't really understand facism, national socialism, or nihilism
67 Wear black socks beneath your black boots, even if no-one can see them
68 Tuck your pants into your boots to look militant
69 Sodomize but never be gay
70 Drink 20-oz bottles of Coca-Cola, Hate America, and be fine with this
71 Spray-paint inverted pentagrams in your basement, because you are too bored to do a baphomet
72 Invert all crosses. This is not optional.
73 Hate Anton LaVey for making Satanism too happy and non-underground
