Sunday, May 12, 2002

:[mood]: argh

So I did this thing where you pick colors and like a color profile is generated. Here's what it had to say about me or my present situation:

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

What? Is this true? Although I have no idea how people perceive me. I wouldn't necessarily perceive myself as this now. And I don't really believe or want people to agree with whatever's going on in my head. Okay it mostly sounds like i'm disagreeing with this "profile" but I did this a couple of times and it is usually right. Okay there's more:

You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with it. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective.

Yup this part is me. Leave me alone- but not necessarily don't talk to me or stuff. I just may seem a little withdrawn 'cause I need to think and who can think with the world at your heels? Hmm maybe that can expain my mood today. Okay next:

Being emotionally inhibited you have no alternative at this time but to be a 'watcher' rather than a 'doer'. At this time you feel as if you are being forced to compromise and stand back. But this is not the true you. Deep down there is that warm 'open' you which is awaiting the moment to burst forth - maybe like the chrysalis which will soon become the butterfly.

Hmmm. Very interestingly put. I gotta think more about that. Next:

Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.

Yes. Too much left undone, uncertainty, nothing good in the future, and refusing to take advice...yes...

Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.

Yeah right. We'll see about the last part of this. Hmmm more contemplation...

:[mood]: bored out of my mind

It's Saturday night and I am doing absolutely nothing. I should be writing an essay that's due on Thursday but I just can't do anything right now. I think i'm in my inanimate stage. See I know I will be super busy in the coming weeks so before i get thrown head in, I like just don't want to do anything at all right now. It's like I want to save all my strength and sanity you know? Of course i'm the only one who can fix myself. *groan* Since I was totally bored i'm going to post up this quiz thing I did.

+ name: amanda
+ birthday: May 23. Comin' up. :)
+ nicknames: whatever you want to stinking call me
+ location: boston but comin' up june 7!
+ what are you doing right now?: listening to music and wasting my time!
+ do you like your neighbors?: let's see who are my neighbors...a hallway, a bathroom, another bathroom, oh you're talking about *human*
neighbors. Yeah I hate them. They always slam the doors (and I know they broke the bathroom door), they drink, they do drugs, etc.
+ whats your magic number?: 9
+ do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?: no, unlike my neighbors!

favorites
+ color: yellow
+ friend: don't like my friends. haha!
+ car: jaguar
+ food: meat, meat, meat! Ohhhh want meat...
+ drink: water
+ store: no more stores! Amanda's too much of a shopaholic.
+ outfit: comfortable, comfortable clothes.
+ boyfriend/girlfriend: stop talking!
+ song at the moment: this third eye blind song from their first album...don't know what its called...okay let me look it up...
+ singer: john rzeznik, rob thomas, stephan jenkins, innis, brandon boyd
+ movie: same ones i guess
+ pair of socks: uh...these socks with hearts on them 'cause I like the material and the red hearts.
+ animal: horse

when was the last time yo0u..
+ showered: early this morning
+ kissed some one: bleh
+ went to a movie: bleh
+ cried: this week
+ talked on the phone: yesterday
+ paged someone: paged? oh yeah a couple days ago
+ lied: don't remember...
+ cheated on someone: nevah
+ ate nerds: haha Okay I was thinking of real nerds...hehe.
+ drank welchs grape juice: never
+ watched the country channel: ha?

relati0nships
+ do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: no
+ whats their name:no
+ how long have you been going out: no
+ have you ever been in love: no
+ who was the best kisser: no
+ have you ever cheated on them: no
+ whats your favorite thing to do with that special someone: no.
+ whats the best present you've gotten from someone: a stuffed animal probably
+ what qualities do you like in a guy or girl: just someone fun. Someone nice, who isn't full of themselves, nice, etc.

friendships
+ whose your best friend: i have a couple of those
+ what makes your best friend: enjoy spending time with them and talk about things on different levels and they actually listen and care.
+ what do you guys do for fun: be retarded of course
+ who is your oddest friend: um that would be everybody!
+ who is your funniest: everyone's pretty funny in their own special ways.
+ who is your happiest friend: I don't know. A lof of people hide things.
+ who is your most annoying friend: there's an annoying friend?
+ who is always there for you: eh...

random
+ do you like Pickles: nope
+ do you have a website: yes
+ do you watch PORN: I starred in one. Ha!
+ who you gonna vote for: hah?
+ do you have your own phone line: sure
+ What do you want for christmas: Christmas already? Geez. Give me any presents! :)
+ do you have your 2 front teeth: yes
+ what do you want to do with your life: if you know, let me know, too.
+ ever been butt naked bangin on the bathroom floor: hahaha. no.
+ last time you went to skateland: eh?
+ last time you went to the bowling alley: that one time before I left for college in August. I am bitter about that stinking guy and I will always remember that day. August 13...
+ last time you were in a hoopdy truck: wtf is hoopdy?
+ what perfume/cologne do you wear: if i'm not lazy I put on Clinique happy
+ do you think foreign accents are sexy: ohhhh yeah! Brazil...*sigh* He ain't in my class any more. :~(
+ do you like jell-o if so what flavor: yes. the red one...strawberry.
+ do you like hot dogs if so do you know whats in them: awww man don't tell me. Oooh Costco hot dogs!
+ brand of toothpaste: mint kind
+ last time you went to the doctor: ha!
+ do you have a credit card?: a little too many. freck.
+ ever taken ballet: yup. as reminded to me by jessica norimoto.
+ favoite juice: orange?
+ Last time you used the restroom: I don't know but I really have to go.
+ most attracitve person: me :) heehee. freck.
+ last book you read: I don't know but i've been reading the Tao of Pooh. Remember that anybody? hahaha
+ white, dark, or milk choclate: milk chocolate. oooh lindt!
+ favorite holiday: christmas
+ thing you hate most about your body: my butt
+last time you smoked: never
+ last thing you bought: oh my gosh! I can make a list! Oh my gosh but I bought this reallllllly nice dress and it looks like something a superstar would wear...like I halfly care what superstars wear but anyways. It's a nice simple black dress that falls a little below my knees and it has a v-cut that goes like right down to my bra. oops! I got it on sale. It's nice...don't know when i'll ever wear it...

m0re rand0m..
+ are you stressd out: yes!!!!
+ what do you wear to the beach: bathing suit?
+ do you want a puppy: i do!
+ ever had a kick me sign on you: no...hmmm wait give me a few minutes ;)
+ how about a lick me sign: wha?
+ Favorite icing: chocolate
+ are u a flirt: right
+ do you do your own laundry: yeah. It's so expensive here though. I do my own laundry because i'm very picky on how it gets done.
+ what detergent do you use: i don't know!
+ what fabric softner do you use: wha?
+ are your nails real or fake: real
+ do you get jiggy with it: not since 1996 <---heehee dani's answer
+ what do you wish you were named: my name's good
+ do you work out: yeah right. Great but I plan on working out like crazy when I get back home.
+ are u muscular: no
+ are you flabby: no
+ are you fat: around some areas...
+ do you take a lot of pictures: I do!!
+ favorite tv show: t......v....? What is that?
+ your feelings on mcdonald chicken nuggets: they were good before they got rid of the honey dipping sauce. :\
+ are you in love?: no
+ do you have a car: nope
+ do you have your licence?: uh...
+ how do you get around: subway or walking
+ got milk: for once I do
+ do you sniff markers: hahaha. what? Not since elementary school. I actually remember those markers exactly!
+ do you belive your horoscope: definitely
+ Whats your sign: gemini

even more random..
+ do u like coffee: nope
+ do you write in pen or pencil: both
+ are you ghetto: no mo fo!
+ favorite lip gloss: eh...I really don't care.
+ do you wear a watch: not any more.
+ sunglasses: nope I hate those
+ do you know how to yo yo: ooookay.
+ what color are your underwear: *checking* Aww i'm wearing plain old beige ones...I think I gotta do my laundry...

:[mood]: wasting stinking time!

haha that star is on an imac! Too bad mine's grey and i'm not a star. ;) Oooh I did go to the mall yesterday and went into the Apple store. Aww man I want one of those imacs with a flat screen or an ibook. Yeah right! hehe. So here I am today wasting precious time! Aww man. From now until the time I leave this h*** hole (hehe) I feel I will be soooo busy! Hoy. First my stinking friend is coming tomorrow although he hasn't told me what time so what am I just supposed to hang by the phone twiddling my thumbs?? Stinking Mark! ;p He'll be staying in my lovely dorm room for a couple of days. Oh man then in school I have all these stinking lectures and what not about the Holocaust. There's goes one week of May. Next week my mom's coming for my b-day. She wants to stay in my dorm but I refuse!!! Oh my gosh my mother in a college dorm room!!?!? Ohh man please! Okay we'll see how that develops. After that week she leaves is the week of my last day of classes. Then will be finals weeks. Aww man I feel stressed already.

Great and I gotta do all these stinking papers and study and what am I doing now? Listening to Third Eye Blind and just zoning out. Ahh that's the life! Oooh I gotta talk about my photography. I usually go to this one side of the park which I thought was just sooooo beautiful! It was a nice day today so I decided to go walk around to see if there was more to this park. And oh my gosh there was! I swear this is the most beautiful park i've ever seen! This park is exactly like the movies! You got friends just sitting down and talking, people on towels soaking up the sun, dogs chasing balls, people (like me) taking pictures, and I even saw this elderly Japanese couple taking their grandchild for a stroll. Oh this is one of the most underrated parks. Can you believe I took 3 rolls of film just on this park? Okay now let me explain this part. I was so excited about the pictures that I went right away to develop it. Came back around 7:00 pm only to find out I left a finished roll in my camera!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh I was soooo mad!!!! Waaa. Ah well. See now I don't know when i'll have time to take the stinking subway all the way to develop, etc. alafefhfaheflehal <--that's what i'm feeling right now. Mostly tired. *groan* Don't like school and what's to come this month. But you must admit i've been working hard in school and basically coping with my life adjusting here. I pat myself on the back *pat pat pat* haha...*sigh*

Friday, May 10, 2002

:[mood]: sad

*sigh* My mother called me late tonight. We had a talk about my brother and just how much he's changed. And for my friends who know me, you know my relationship between my brother and me. Well, anyways let me talk generally about relationships. Of course I don't have that much experience but oh my gosh from countless stories from my friends. Honestly I don't think love is the greatest thing. It is certainly not when you're with that "special someone" and than people begin to neglect things like friends, school, work, and just life in general. They think they're in "love" but what about the life that they've had before and all the people they've loved like family and friends?

Okay nevermind I can't talk generally. Back to my brother. I haven't talked to him in months. When I went back home for spring break, my brother just felt so distant. I couldn't find the right words before but now after talking to my mother I can describe it. My family's just been seeing how much my brother's changed. And its not in a good way. Basically let's just say i'm in tears right now. His girlfriend is just way too controlling. He spends every minute with her. He doesn't see his friends, my parents, he's basically changed altogether. All in the name of love. I really miss my brother. I'm scared because I don't know how to make him see that he's changed just for love. I tried to give my mom pointers on what to tell him. I wanted her to tell him that he's been distant lately and he's changed.

I honestly don't understand relationships. I just don't. Even dating, guys, oh my gosh. Don't want to give away too much of myself here but honestly right now how I just feel about love and how much it affects people...please i'd rather not be in love. Freck you know what? I am happy right now and I don't need love to screw my life. Well, that's just my opinion and its 1:05 am right now.

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

:[mood]: touched

hehe. Great i'm getting confused with my dates when I write journal entries late or early the next day. Whatevahs! Okay so the past couple of days...or was it just yesterday...well basically its all been a blur to me. I mean this whole week. Wait's it's only Tuesday or so? Okay I thought it was Wednesday. I'm going crazy. I can't believe how much college has changed me. Okay yesterday (or early this morning whatevers!) was the peak of my life up to this point. Oh man it was just crazy for me 'cause my emotions were all over the place!

Okay so my mood above says touched. It's funny how like people you don't even know, can have such an amazing effect on you. I mean i've always believed in that but just recently like...Okay let's see how I can get this across. Okay like instant messaging is weird. I can't explain it. Agh! Mind's not working now. But basically there are some people who im me and it just means so much to me it's kinda weird. They're always managing to pull me back through. And this is over the internet! And with people I don't know! Weird but yeah aaah it just means so much to me.

Okay Tei i'm stealing this from your journal entry. ;)

Tei wrote: 5/7/02 1:31 AM
I came to a kodak-moment realization today. It struck me sometime between the hours of 12:00 and 1:30, when I was trying to keep myself from going insane after twelve straight hours of cramming since midnight. It took an IM conversation with somebody I didn`t even know, to make me realize that nothing in life is as bad as we make it out to be. The storm always ends, and the sun will always rise. So we as people, (or more specifically as students), should just stop worrying so much. Save the drama for yo mama! Live life before it passes you by, and don`t sweat the small stuff.

haha I like the 'save the drama for yo mama' part. haha Okay anywayz! See I don't know him, he doesn't know me, and we still made a big effect on each other. Well, Tei certainly made one on me. Wait did I tell him that. Am I now heeding to my own words? What am I talkin' about now? hahaha. See college makes you freckin crazy!!! And i'm sure nobody reads this but Dean, I gotta mention you. You, and everybody who's in my life (computer- real life, whatevahs!) are just so great at this point in my life. Okay enough of this it's almost 2 am and I barely started studying! Waaaaaaaa.

Okay. How many times Amanda said 'okay' in this stinking journal entry!: 12

Wait I gotta mention this one thing that happened to me today. I was getting breakfast or something and I was walking back to my dorm. I saw this elderly (old farts!) couple ahead of me and they totally looked like tourists. They stopped me and asked me where the Museum of Fine Arts was. And you know how I am with directions so I kind of gave them directions but i'm sure they were like 'what da freck' so I just offered to walk with them up to some point 'cause it was halfly on the way to my dorm. So first of all, can you believe *I* actually offered to walk them? The old me probably would have just given them the directions and ditched but I actually offered to walk with them. Okay (add another one!) and as we were walking, *I* was the one to initiate a conversation. I asked them where they were from and they said South Africa and then we started talking and stuff. Then the museum was a block away so we parted and I told them to have fun. Yups. Wow I surprised myself there. hehe. I bet y' all are like 'what da freck is this retard talking about?????' Hey if you know, let me know too won't ya? ;)

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