Monday, April 14, 2003

:[mood]: sick

Oooh. My last journal entry was...pretty deep. haha. Yeah...I guess I get like that sometimes. I don't know. I'm sick right now. I think I just have a little cold. I hate being sick 'cause I have so much to do this week. And it's only Monday. So my day basically consisted of me waking up for my 9:15 class, then coming back to my dorm to eat breakfast, going to sleep, waking up at 4 to eat lunch and take medicine, back to sleep, wake up at 8 to eat dinner and take medicine, and now i'm doing some homework. Yeah.

Had a pretty good weekend. Had dinner at my cousin's place on Friday. I probably got sick at that time because it was cold and rainy and I had to take the subway and cab and walk quite a distance to get to their place. Saturday I went to a couple of parties/get togethers. ha. Pretty fun. First one was with my close group of friends. Then we split up and my roommates and I went to a lacrosse party. Yeah that was pretty interesting. There were waaaaay too many people and it felt like a sauna in there so we ditched after like 15 minutes. Oh and plus they had no more beer. Ha. Then one of my roommates went home so me and my other roommate went to a frat house. Yeah. :D haha Had to throw that in. Anyway. haha again. Yeah. On Sunday my roommates and I were just in this so out of it mood so we had a really late breakfast then went walking outside to the mall because it was a nice day. Then I took a nap 'cause I was beginning to feel sick-ish. Then my roomie and I went to the frat house to watch a movie 'cause they invited us. Cools. Good weekend...

Saturday, April 12, 2003

After this entry i'm hoping not to write for a bit...yeah like a week or so knowing me.

I know this much, I do tend to think a lot about everything. It is nothing new but just now it seems like I am seeing and feeling just a lot of things in my life and how it all applies to who I am. Every little thing counts and just all this stuff in my life has lead me to where I am today. I know many times I am just all over the place and I do not know what I want do with my life. That's where I am right now.

I have been able to go through a lot of changes and I haven't found my place just yet. All these voices have always been telling me what to do and who to be. I don't want that any more. I want to live my life on my own terms. So that way if I screw up or do something good, it was me who did it and only me to blame or praise.

I have to live with myself everyday. If I am not comfortable in my skin, let alone who I am, how can I even begin to expect to be me? To even do anything? Yes, the world does exist and it does not revolve around me but I don't want to have to be something else that i'm not because I end up losing myself and when you don't know who you are, you don't know how to be anything else in your skin.

I don't want to get into my life story because I don't even want to hear it. Basically I lost myself. I've been lost for...as long as I can remember. I just want to be able to find out who I am and be who I am on a regular basis. Not just little spurts here and there. I want to be able to know and say, this is who I am and I like being me.

And one last thing. I want to put this song up. It's "Push" by Matchbox 20. And if I wrote this song, I would have written it about me, to me. Peace...

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me
And I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry
Well, this ain't over, no, not here
Not while I still need you around
You don't owe me, we might change,
Yeah, we just might feel good

I wanna push you around
Well, I will
Well, I will
I wanna push you down
Well, I will
Well, I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well, I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting
When I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
'Cause it's a little bit dirty
Well, don't just stand there, say nice things to me
'Cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged
And you, you don't know me
Yeah, well, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

I wanna push you around
Well, I will
Well, I will
I wanna push you down
Well, I will
Well, I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well, I will

Oh, but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute, well, it kinda fell apart
Things get so crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby, baby

I wanna push you around
Well, I will
Well, I will
I wanna push you down
Well, I will
Well, I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well, I will

I wanna push you around
Well, I will

*matchbox 20- push

Friday, April 11, 2003

:[mood]: okay

Ohg. April has to be the slowest month ever. And the weather...ugh it has just been so miserable. Seriously. I mean like okay being from Hawaii and all where it's nice and sunny to being here in Boston where, in April, the weather has been cruddy. I really do think my mood is directly related to the weather. Who seriously wants to go out in 30 degree weather with a mixture of rain and snow falling from the sky the whole day? It's simply miserable. I barely want to go to classes and once I do, I just want to go straight back to my dorm and back in my bed, under my warm blankie. I hope I get out of this mad season mood soon...or at least for April to be...nicer... :p'.

Sunday, April 06, 2003

:[mood]: freckin awesome

I thankfully had a great night last night. Got tickets to The All-American Rejects. They're an up-and-coming band. They sing that swing swing swing song. haha. Anyway got to the place and there were 2 other opening bands before them. They just played in a club. Lot of people there. I went with 2 of my roommates and we made our way to the middle of the crowd but by the end of the show I was pretty much near the front. :) It was such an awesome concert! I've never really been to one so I was totally jumping around and singing to the songs and pushing people haha. Wanted to crowd surf but I was wearing a one-sided shirt so I don't think that would have been good. :p'.

I bought some shirts and stuff while my roommates waited outside. Everybody was clearing out already so I went to the bathroom and when I came back the Rejects were signing autographs. So i'm like freck! and I get their autographs! Okay *HIGHLIGHT!* the lead singer was using this triangle-shaped bass guitar on stage. And my roommate had bought me a shirt earlier that day just as a surprise and she told me to wear it to the concert so I did. And on that shirt was like a picture of the guitar that the lead singer was using. So I go up to him and i'm like "Hey this is the guitar you were using on stage! Sign my shirt!" So he did!!! :D He is a freckin hottie!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so in love with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my roommate and me pointing to where he wrote. He wrote 'HOT SHIT' (pointing to the guitar) and like drew weird pictures that I couldn't decipher. Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! And I was just talking to the band members and it was just so cool!!!!!!!

Okay more pictures! I am in *love* with the lead singer! He is soooooooooooo hot!:
He's the second to the left

Okay. HE IS WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FRECKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in love with Tyson Ritter. Hels yeah! *SIGH* Okay. hahaha. I was so freckin hyper after the concert that I was walking around in 30 degree weather with just my sleeveless shirt. haha. Oh gosh it was just so great for me! I seriously felt like that was my niche when I was there surrounded by many bodies, hot and sweating a bit, jumping around, throwing my hands in the air, screaming, singing to the music...oh I love it!

After that we went to a party. Fun party. I had a ton of fun there, too. haha I was showing everyone my shirt and all. And yeah. Today was daylight savings time. So I *would* have gotten home at 4-ish but we had to set the clocks ahead so I got home at 5. Crazy! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! <--that was me during the concert ;)

Saturday, April 05, 2003

:[mood]: miserable

This seriously has felt like the longest week *EVER* of my life! I just had this aggrevated feeling sticking with me all week. Ever been trapped in a mood that you couldn't just shake off? Yeah that's what I was in...and it wasn't good. I can't describe my feelings in words because it was just sooooooooooooooo incredibly boring. I seriously felt like I could feel each second of my life tick away doing absolutely nothing.

My class schedule was pretty screwed this whole week and I missed a couple classes already. So that kind of aggrevated me. Then when I did go to the classes, it seriously was the most boring classes in my life that I wanted to cry. I can close my eyes and see myself sitting and doing absolutely nothing, waiting for nothing to happen. The economics class that felt so redundant and I had learned it all before, the most boring management class ever that the teacher talked about himself and his business and things that happened to him that when I looked down at my watch there was still more than an hour and a half of that two hour class to go, waiting 2 1/2 hours for a band to play, going with my friend to get her haircut because she needed the support so me sitting on a chair waiting for her, going to the most boring party ever which took us 20 minutes to get their walking in 17 degree weather mixed with a mixture of hail and snow falling from the sky, working in the photo lab and waiting 45 minutes for the negatives to dry and another hour waiting for the rest of the class to finish, me completely famished, hair dripping wet from the ice cold, hands frozen waiting for my cheese calzone order...

I seriously never had this many boring moments in a week! I seriously felt like bursting every second. Every long second. I seriously want to cry right now. This absolutely sucks. Attitude adjustment? Possibly. But if you were in my butt, sitting there, doing nothing, you'll know exactly why I want to scream and jump out my window... *SIGH!*

Monday, March 31, 2003

:[mood]: interested...

So it started snowing again today. Freckin New England wacked weather. This past weekend it was like in the 70s and today it was snowing. Ah well. March snow brings April...joes. haha. Anyway. Okay my story for today.

So I passed a bum on the subway and I didn't give him any money and he still told me to have a nice day. That was nice... I'm in my dorm room now and I actually want to go back just to give that guy money. I'm learning things from a bum. It's cold, he's down in the subway, and just standing all day holding a cup hoping people will give him money. And when they don't, he sincerely tells them to have a nice day... It's so simple yet so hard to comprehend...

Sunday, March 30, 2003

:[mood]: ...

I haven't even been in Boston for a week. Geez it feels so long. All my roommates are sleeping and i've just realized that I have a weird sleeping pattern. Well, here I do. Usually Amanda loves to sleep. Once i'm asleep I can sleep for sooooo long. I realized that when I was back home I slept all fine. Right now it's me not wanting to go to sleep. I know it but I don't...that i'm afraid of some things. Unconsciously I suppose. Just some things in general. Not good. And it's because i'm here in Boston. Again I know that only I can solve whatever's bugging me. Actually it's just the bigger picture. Not doing good in school, being alone, and just stuff like that.

It's snowing right now. So pretty. I opened my window all the way and stuck my head out a bit. So beautiful. The wind is blowing the snow in different directions.

I don't want to go to sleep. Think about it, Amanda. That's messed up. Oooh you know what weird dream I had last night? That I met the mother of this guy I kind of like. That kind of scared me. haha Also because i've never even seen his mother before. What would be weird is if I met the mom in real life and she looked like what I saw in my dream. Yes.

I can barely breath
Can you hear me scream

O-o-o thrown in all directions
You epitome of perfection
She's lost her will,
time is standing still

*the all-american rejects- time stands still

Saturday, March 29, 2003

:[mood]: a little out of it haha

Went to a pajama party in my roommate's town about an hour away by train. It was nice going out to like see that side of Massachusetts. Like it was just small roads and no lights on the street and forest everywhere. heh. The house was very country-like, too. Mostly wood and there was like a huge spindle in the living room and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a butter churner outside haha.

So this "pajama-themed" party was held because one of the 5 brothers who lives in the house is going to Europe with another friend and they just plan to like stay there for a couple of months and find places to sleep and maybe look for jobs. I think that is so great. It is such an experience to do that in Europe. They are around my age. I'm sure it's going to be really cool for them.

Uhm yeah. Most of the people there were local Massachusettsans. haha. Interesting. My roommates and I were practically the only girls so that was good. Nothing much happened. Just a regular party I guess. We stayed over. hahaha I have to tell my roommates story! Two of them crashed pretty early in one of the brothers beds. Then a couple hours later another brother (who the party was held for) goes to the 2 of them, 'is there any room for me?' and he gets into the small bed. Then like he starts touching my roommate's leg and she's like 'stop it!' haha. Then he like starts pushing my roommate trying to make room for himself so he has about half the bed and my 2 roommates have the other half. Then my roommate just couldn't take it so they both leave and they end up in the floor of another room where I am sleeping on that brother's bed who got into the bed with my roommmates. haha It was just crazy. There were so many people sleeping everywhere. You know 2 people on all the beds (even 2 guys on one bed...heh straight), people on the floor, people on the couches...it was fun.

Monday, March 25, 2003

:[mood]: tired

My last night here on the island. :( Heh but I have to say this past weekend has been so much fun...

Friday: Actually this whole weekend I was pretty much camping. I was scared because I haven't gone camping since I was like in the 4th grade and here I was now going to 2 different camping trips. The first one was with my high school friends. Had a lot of fun as usual. Didn't get to sleep 'till about 5 am and of course I was the last one to wake up in the camp. heh.

Saturday: Got back to my place at like 5pm-ish and 2 minutes later, my friend calls saying they're going to be over in a few minutes to come pick me up for their camping thing. So I take the fastest shower in my life and go out for another fun camping trip. Went camping at Bellows. Really nice place. A different group this time that I didn't know too well but still had a lot of fun with. It was just so beautiful there. Yup.

Sunday: Everybody was apparently awake so they woke me up. Geez we woke up so early and everybody wanted to go swimming at the beach. So everybody was ready but I was being lazy so I didn't change just yet. So we headed to the beach. Then one of the guys grabs me and carries me towards the ocean and drops me into the ocean with all my clothes on. I was wearing jeans. Freck. :p'. So I just stayed in my clothes and swam. Then the same guy picks me up later on and buries me in the sand. haha Fun. Then later in the afternoon we went over to a friend's place and they were swimming in his pool. Once again another friend carries me as I am sitting so peacefully by the side of the pool and drops me into the pool again. With all my clothes on. Freck. haha. So again I go swimming. Geez I really didn't need to bring a bag when I went camping. :p'. Then I went out with a friend late at night and that deserves another journal entry. haha...

Monday: Spent some quality time with my mom shopping and stuff. Then met up with a friend and walked around Ala Moana and Waikiki. Had some fun haggling jewelers and being paranoid. hahaha. Anyway. Dern I bought a lot of clothes today.

Well, gotta go back tomorrow... I so sad. I had such a great break. I really did see everybody I wanted to see...

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

:[mood]: yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Back in h-town. H-town? haha Okay. haha. Oh my gosh it is soooooooooooooo good to be back! Yeay! The weather thing popped up on my starting page and Boston temperature: 30 degrees, Hawaii: 83. Wooooooo to that! :) I am so happy! And I just got in my grades. 100% better than last quarter! Well, yeah. 3.5 for me. Woooo wooooo!

I have just been relaxing since i've been back. Spent time with mi familia 'cause it was my mom's b-day and all. Then saw somebody...and yeah... heehee. Things are pretty interesting. Some stinking friends still have like tests and what not. Geez hurry up and go on spring break already! hehe. But yeah that's pretty much it. And it's all good... :D

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