Monday, December 30, 2002

:[mood]: okay now i'm tired

Whoa! Awesome, awesome weekend! I had such a great time! hahahaha. So had a party at my house on Saturday night at 10-ish. Didn't want too many people to come 'cause the rents were gonna be home and someone was bringing alcohol. Yeah baby. Woooo! Oh my gosh it was just so great. Mostly my high school friends were there but I invited some other of my friends. It was pretty good. I think I drank a little too much. haha. That was definitely the most...uhm...shots i've ever had. Good thing I didn't drink too much beer or Amanda would have been wooooooo! But I think i'm a good drunk. I just tend to hug, hold hands, and kiss people on the cheek too much. heehee.

I'd say about 13 people slept at my house. Or at least attempted to sleep. At 6:30 am or so I still saw some friends sitting outside by the pool watching the sunrise. I just wanted to keep an eye on everybody so I kind of didn't sleep. Hafly because the guy I like was there. Oops! hehe. I mean his friends were already crashed drunken on the floor passed out so he was kind of keeping an eye on them, too. He wanted to bring them home but I told him to just leave them there.

Okay I don't know if I should disclose this next part. Okay you know what I actually typed out some stuff but I decided against putting the rest of it up. Ha. Let's just say I didn't get *any* sleep. Yeah. *sigh* Some friends left the next morning then my high school friends who were left got groggily up and we had this nice breakfast. :)

I kind of recovered from that weekend. I was up for a good 24 hours or more. Went to the beach today. It was kind of freckin cold. Then headed to Zippy's where it was more freckin cold. It was great. I'm learning more stuff about my friends. hahaha. Oh my gosh I seriously cherish my friends and everything and just everybody I know. I really am glad to be home. :D

Friday, December 27, 2002

:[mood]: woooo again

So I was helping mi mama make some dinner for some guests we're having in our house in a couple of minutes. As I was wiping off the naked salmon, she asked me what I was thinking. Hum. She never really asked me that before and I didn't know I looked like I was so deep in thought as I slapped some dill onto the salmon.

I had a cd playing from my new favorite band that a guy back in Boston got me interested in. So naturally I was thinking about him. And my mom caught me at just the right moment because I usually never tell her about my "love" life. And for some reason I didn't halfly care that I was telling her.

So I told her about everything. When caught in the right moment I can actually share deep and coherent thoughts. But anyway. I'm just in one of my many meticulous moments right now. I've changed. And there are certain people in my life that are having a strong effect on me. Not that i'm seeing myself through other people's eyes. It's that i'm seeing some things about me that I never knew existed. And I like it.

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

:[mood]: i'm shaking my head

I know my body. If something's bothering me in my life it results in me being physically sick. So right now my body feels weak and my nose is running. Great. It seriously doesn't feel like Christmas given all i've went through this past weekend. Gosh dern it. I seriously need to just relax. The parties are kind of hectic though. You know when you go with your parents to some moldy oldies parties. I hate that. I'm always so bored out of my mind. Maybe I can fake sick and just lie down on somebody's couch or something. Who's the grinch this year? 'You're a mean one. Mr. Grinch.'

hehe. I know how it goes when you have feelings you can't control. But it helps when you're totally cool about it and are not awkward to talk about it. That really helps. haha. But yeah. Things are weird. What do I know? :) I gotta take a nap 'cause I took some medicine...

Oh and Merry Christmas all...

Sunday, December 22, 2002

:[mood]: ...

My horoscope for today: (Gemini) Your venture into unfamiliar territory will build your confidence. Measure your growth by your own values, not by what's important to family, friends, or society at large. Your opinion matters most. It is easy to fall in love.

Uhm yeah. So coincidentally as it is, every single word of that horoscope makes sense giving what happened yesterday. I swear these horoscopes are freaky on how accurate they are. But let me start with my day yesterday. Amazingly I had the best and worst day all rolled into one. So I got home early-ish Saturday morning by being driven home by a guy I just met. Got about 2 hours of sleep. Friend came over and we talked a bit. Went to the beach with some other friends at around 1-ish. That was really nice. I love the beach. Went to a friend's house to shower and get ready then went to a party. I saw all my high school friends at that party.

And here where my day hits an all time low. Sometime during the midst of the time I was there, I get a call from my mom on my cell phone. My parents just got my grades and they were thouroughly upset. Let's just say I got the worst grades of my life. So that party pretty much ended for me and I had to be a big baby and cry. And I hate crying in front of anybody, especially my friends.

So then my friends and I went to meet some other friends at a club. Saw some more of my good friends who I haven't seen since summer. Oh my gosh by the end of that clubbing night I was so disgusted. There were just so many people there and some guy danced with me and he was totally disgusting. He was full on sweaty and seriously my clothes were soaking wet. I was completely disgusted and as soon as I got to the car I took off my shirt and changed. Yuck. I smelled like smoke and yuck I was just so digusted. Okay so yes by this time I was just basically irritated and disgusted.

My friend and I were heading to her car when I decided to call one of my guy friends. I asked him where he was and it turned out he was at the club I was at. I'm like 'what I didn't even see you?' Him and his friend were just leaving, too. So I told him I wanted to see him. So we all ended up going to Zippy's. We were planning on dining in but his friends didn't want to so they just grabbed some food and left to a hotel party. So it was just my friend, my guy friend, and me.

It must've been around 3 am. Had some food then my guy friend was talking about watching the sunrise at Kapiolani park. I really wanted to go. I didn't want to go home. I just wanted to get away and watching a sunrise was always on my to do list. So I asked him if I could come. Said good-bye to my friend and then me and my guy friend went to the beach.

I'm guessing it was around 4-ish now. He brought his guitar and an extra jacket for me. Of course me, already at my breaking point from everything that happened today, was kind of erratic. Ha. As he began to play the guitar I couldn't help being sad again. Because I was sitting next to the guy I really like. This is the guy who I was kind of together with this past summer. So I couldn't help crying. Oh man another horrible crying episode for me. I don't even remember what I was talking about because I was just crying to him about everything in my life. My failing grades, alcohol, family, friends, college, him and me, geez just everything.

I must say nothing made sense at that moment. Maybe I just needed to be somewhere and kind of let it all out. He kept wanting to talk to me and hear what I wanted to say but I hate talking about myself and sharing my feelings so I kept walking away for a bit. We must've been there for a good 2 hours. By now he was sitting just looking at the ocean. This moment i'll always remember. As he sat down on a foot wall facing the ocean, I silently sat next to him facing the other way. I lay my head on his shoulder and then I just put my arms around him. He laid his head on my arms. We just sat there now without saying a word then he put his arms around me.

I'm sure we were both pretty tired and for some reason it didn't look like the sun was going to come up. So he drove me home. As I was about to get out of the car I gave him a hug and he held my hand 'till I got out of the car. I didn't want to let go. Got home past 6 am. The sun still wasn't rising.

So yeah. What an amazing day. My eyes are super puffy right now. Aww man just trying to take it all in. hahaha. Another exasperated sigh for me.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

:[mood]: hehe wooooo!

So. Freck. A friend brought up a good point I haven't seen. Well, he said to me 'Amanda, give people a chance.' Okay. He told *me* that. I'm the one who says that. I thought I always do give people a chance but it didn't work out like that. Or actually i've been giving the wrong people a chance. Yeah. Like how do I know who the right people are? Knowing me now i'm just going to give any shmoe a chance now.

So last night was pretty interesting. Yeah. Who said she was going to be sober this whole break? Freck. I didn't drink that much but what I did...hahahahaha. I'm laughing in an exasperated way. Dear gosh for me. I'm spiraling down again. And not in a good way. Should I disclose some stuff? No. It was nice for what it was, I don't know if I would give it some more. Freck freck freck. lalalalalalala. Yes. Of course this has to deal with guys again. I'll admit. I tend to like guys I can't have and push away those who like me. ha. Why? I don't know. But I do it. I'm sorry.

My new favorite song. I was just telling a friend about my little happenings yesterday and he sent me this song and it's funny how it matched exactly what i'm feeling right now. I love music. So this lyrics sums a part of last night:

should`ve done something but I`ve done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

Thursday, December 19, 2002

:[mood]: bored

I am so bored out of my mind right now. I'm home alone and like all the lights are closed. I just have a candle lit and some of the Christmas lights downstairs. And i'm not scared. I would usually be scared to just sit alone in this silent atmosphere, but i'm not. I guess I was thinking how there are some things that will just never go my way no matter how I hard I try. I really like this guy. And there's nothing more I want to do than just see him and I don't know just hold him in my arms which happened only but once before and I wish I was back at that time. But thinking again I don't think I was exactly floating on a cloud either in that past time. That was a really hard time, too. With dealing with another person, you yourself can't just make things happen or not happen. Another person can also do the same. So what I want...what i'm waiting for...

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