Wednesday, December 18, 2002

:[mood]: blah blah blah

Yeah so woooo. I hate my life. Whoa where did that come from? hahaha. Do you know how hard it is? Not just the money or that fact but like the inner process of me leaving, coming, staying for periods of a time. It isn't easy at all. I mean i'm in college for a couple months so I put away everything back home and practically just focus on stuff there. But then when I come back home, everything all just comes back and I get to enjoy and take in everything i've known for my whole life. Being with my family again, talking with friends, being around Hawaii people, eating great food, and just being surrounded by the beauty of Hawaii. Ack it's so crazy.

Had an actual family outing last night. We all went Christmas shopping. It was nice. I was just browsing at a cd store when some guy stops and says hi to me. It turns out it was my old high school classmate. ha I barely recognized him. I gave him a hug and all. We talked a bit. Then he had to work the cash register. So I stood in the long line and when it was my turn he said he would give me a discount for the stuff I was buying. I had about $30 worth of stuff and he gave it to me all for $1.00. Can you believe that? Oh my gosh that was sooooo nice of him! I was surprised. I guess surprised because I saw an old classmate and all. And like this classmate, i'll say, i've never really talked to in like high school. I mean he's cool and all and I just thought that was nice of him to give me discount and cool of me to give him a hug. Yeah...

And I haven't even seen any of my friends since i've been back. I mean yeah i've called people and all. Everyone's just busy with finals this week. haha I'm glad i'm done. I wish I had someone right now...whoa why am I just going on all different directions right now? Maybe because it's late afternoon and I haven't had anything to eat yet...maybe...

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

:[mood]: ack freck dern it

I gotta keep in mind that some people I talk about in this journal may actually be reading my journal. I keep forgetting that. Yeah like that's going to stop me from talking about them anyway. But don't take this too literally 'cause these are just my thoughts. Better to actually talk to me than read my thoughts and think you know everything. So yeah. Man I sounded kind of mean. I'm not being mean. I'm just confused...

Okay there are just so many things I want to say. But I don't know how to say it, when to say it, what would it accomplish if I do say it... There's just some people I really care for and...it's been hard...love is hard...I don't know what to do... :~(

Well, i'm going to put the lyrics to this one song up. Actually some of the lyrics don't make sense but the person who sent it to me and the time he sent it really made sense...

Sunday's Best- The Hardest Part

Let's make a list of our abuses,
swindles and violated truces.
Let's count up the scars and fading bruises; we've no shame.

Let's spread this loot out on the table.
You see yourself as new Abel?
Think you've met some true criminals?
You just wait.

You think you are so smart.

You think this is the hard part?
We've only just begun to see the ugliness start...

Learn to celebrate corruption.
Dig in deep to your dysfunction.
Save the judgements and assumptions-
there's no blame.

Just one kiss before it starts?

Sunday, December 15, 2002

:[mood]: pretty relaxed

Okay. Why does it almost feel like i'm living 2 lives? You know the one in Hawaii and who i've been practically my whole life, and then my Boston life where I felt more independent, free, and somewhat wilder than who i'm supposed to be back here. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling. Although I felt this last year when I know I changed when I went to Boston but when I came back home it all felt the same and I didn't like that. Oh I think I want more of how i've changed to come out. Not that i've changed completely but there's just some things about me that I think are good because I really do need to grow. But yeah...wooo getting a little too deep here. Think i'll stop right about now... :p'.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

:[mood]: it's so hottttt

It's hard when you like someone and they like somebody else when they once used to like you or practically do like you at the same time they like somebody else. I guess I am finding it hard to be friends. Problem is I think I feel too much. :\ And it's weird because i've been having dreams about like some of the guys I liked and i'm one to take dreams seriously or try to find meaning. Awww man see what happens when you are stuck at home and have nothing to do? Your mind wanders...but on the plus side i've been writing more songs. :}

Thursday, December 12, 2002

:[mood]: wooo back home!

Woooooooooooooooo! I can't sleep! Just got back home. Okay get this. My whole travelling time was 14 hours. 14 freckin hours. Stopped at Salt Lake City, Utah and San Fransisco including lay overs. Dear gosh I hate travelling. Oh my gosh it's like so freckin great to be back! I just arrived at 10 pm. My brother had some stinking friends over our house including his old roommate from Boston who is staying with us for a couple days. I walk in and there's beer like all over the place. But my bro was there and my parents were there so I couldn't be like 'wooooo pass me one!' haha I think i'm going to be sober all break. :\ haha Man when did I turn into an alcoholic?

It is kind of weird to be back. And plus seeing my brother's friends whom i've known for like years and I just realized I haven't seen them in a year or two so that was pretty weird in itself. Oh my gosh i'm missing some things from Boston. What is wrong with me??? :) Nah I think i'm just missing some people...

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

:[mood]: almost there

Wooooo! Yeah. Just about done packing. Leaving for the stinking long flight and then i'll be back home in the islands. Oh my gosh I was kind of sad today. Like I was saying good-bye to my friends and like I just hugged my roommate and it made me so sad! I couldn't believe it. haha. Yeah I must admit i'll miss this place a bit. Wooo never thought i'd hear myself say that given last year. So yeah. I really am going to miss everybody. All the new friends i've made. :) Woooo. Well, that's it for me. My next entry will probably be written when i'm back home! Woooooooooo!!!!!

Monday, December 09, 2002

:[mood]: woooo

Okay I don't mean to be mean but I think guys really are naive. haha. Yeah kill me later. But I see it more. I'm not talking about anyone specifically...or maybe I am but it's not just one guy i've seen it in. hehe. I really don't mean this in a bad way. So yeah. I really am tired right now. Just finished an economics final and boy was it hard. I mean when the teacher wasn't looking we asked each other for help but nobody in their right mind knew what was going on so we couldn't really cheat even if we tried. haha So retarded.

I can't explain how weird it is leaving here then going back home to Hawaii. I mean just like packing all my shiet, the 10 hour plane ride, going back to a familiar place yet unfamiliar... I mean I felt it every time I went back last year but it's always still kind of awkwardy i'd say. haha Awkwardy. It feels like I haven't been back in forever! Man oh man. 2 more days. So crazy.

Awww man I kind of have an idea what it's going to be like. Yeah. Kind of want to avoid some things...some feelings...some...i'm going to stop talking right now. Nah I don't really want to avoid anything or anybody. I just want to see everybody and give everyone a great big hug! Woooo! hahaha. When i'm tired I tend to talk like i'm retarded...

Saturday, December 07, 2002

:[mood]: ahahaha

Yeah. So. haha. Oh my gosh my college life has been completely crazy and I had to do a breakdown and just like take in all i've gone through. Oh man it was pretty intense. haha Like classes ended Tuesday and since Tuesday i've been out every night this week and that is so not Amanda-like. My roommates and I always hang out at these 5 guys apartment off campus. So last night they wanted to have a holiday dinner so they cooked a super good holiday feast. It was like Thanksgiving all over again. And what was really cute was everybody dressed up. They wore long-sleeved shirts and ties and us girls wore our nice sweaters and what not. We had wine and played Frank Sinatra. haha It was kind of funny how we tried to be sophiticated and all...but then the ties came off, Jay-z came on, and the college party came back. Well, it was nice for the moment. :)

So I was talking to one of my guy friends who lived there after some other people who were there left. I seriously hate talking about myself and just showing my emotions but somehow he pulled it out of me that night. All I can say it was just crazy and I freckin bawled. I'll admit that yeah. We talked about everything from like me being Asian, coming from Hawaii, living with 3 random people, just experiencing the college life, and doing things that should make me happy and stuff. And then we went into the bathroom and talked and one of my roommates followed and we all talked. Then another guy who lived there shared his story on how his parents divorced and that totally screwed up his life. Everything was just so deep.

I seriously wouldn't be surprised if we were all just talking about everything in their bathroom for like over an hour. haha I don't know. My roommate and I stayed over that night and came back this morning. Freck my mind is going into overload so...yeah...on that note...

Friday, December 06, 2002

:[mood]: hmmm

Okay I don't know why I think so much. Okay maybe I do. Like I don't even know what triggered it but i'm just thinking about everything right now. School, life, friendships, boys...dear gosh stop the madness! :p'. So I can never even attempt to guess what somebody is thinking. What do I mean? Guys are the perfect example. So confusing and they always flake. They're flakes. Doing one thing, saying the next. *sigh* Life is just so confusing right now.

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