Friday, November 01, 2002

:[mood]: lalala

Dern. I seriously can't believe it's November already! November?!?!? My gosh! Geez time has flown by so fast! Oh my gosh I really can't believe it. So yesterday was Halloween. Had classes and then went over to a friend's apartment. Since it was Halloween my roommates and I all wanted to dress up. So we basically just threw together whatever we had lying around. I went as a "sleepy person" and I borrowed one of my roommate's sleeping pants that had clouds on it and an oversized sweatshirt. And I just put up my hair messily and wore my slippers. I was so dern comfortable. I really should go out like that more often.

We watched the movie 'The Ring.' All I can say is- freck-in scary! My gosh! I don't usually watch scary movies and this one was like the scariest and so freckin disturbing! Everyone was yelling and jumping in the theaters. Pretty funny. Oh my gosh after we got out of the movies we were all so freckin scared. On the subway back there was this freckin scary guy dressed up like he was a mental patient (I think) and he had like cat eyes on and he had this doll that he just stroked. I mean after watching that movie and seeing him I was just completely shaking. Well, you had to watch the movie 'cause when I got back (that's what I stinking get for watching movies with guys) that I was sitting around talking with my roomies when the phone rang and luckily my roommate picked it up and she said (she didn't come to see the movie) that someone on the other line did a freaky voice and said '7 days.' Okay so I was totally freaking out and I am so going to kill one of my friends! I didn't want to sleep so I spent most of the night watching Zoolander.

Another Halloween party going on tonight. I'm going as a hula girl. Gotta finish my grass skirt. I'm so tired. Maybe i'll take a nap. It's so cold outside. I can't believe it's November. I halfly want to go home. It's going to be Christmas soon! :) And Thanksgiving is coming up. Yeay. :)

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

:[mood]: major thinking going on here

I feel like over analyzing stuff again this night. And the subject this time is...guys. Oh my gosh. Don't really know if I want to talk about this 'cause it's kind of personal but ahhh who cares 'cause I feel like writing right now. Or typing. Since i'm too dern lazy to write in my real journal.

I mean my mind always changes to 'I don't want a boyfriend' and 'Man I want to have a boyfriend.' hehe. Yeah I know you can't say you want one. It's just supposed to happen. Okay I understand that. But what if you had the opportunity and you just turned away? I mean of course I know i'm jumping to conclusions. But anyway there is this guy in my class and he was like being nice to me and actually wanting to talk to me and stuff. Okay I just thought of something else but i'll talk about that later. So it only happened like twice in a row where he would wait for me and we would walk and talk together after class. Well, today I don't know if I should have waited for him or something but I just like left. Yeah. I kind of feel bad now 'cause I don't think he likes me and maybe he was just looking for a friend...

Oh my freckin gosh it's all making sense to me right now. The past night I had a dream where this guy who I liked all through high school was in it. And it was weird because I haven't even thought of him in a while. Anyway in my dream, we were just totally good friends and all. I think we were shopping for a necklace. And that's what I wanted more than anything was for us to be friends in like high school. He had a girlfriend and all so I stepped back. You know all I wanted was a friendship.

Okay so that's how i'm tying the guy in my class to the guy I liked in high school. Maybe my classmate just wanted to be friends but me, being all weird-ish when I think someone likes me, I turned away. hehe. I just wrote a song today and it is called 'I turned away.' Okay let's move on to another guy. A guy told me he would totally go out with me if he didn't have a girlfriend. I know he was under the influence of alcohol (under the influence?) but I still believe him. But I was just thinking even if he didn't have a girlfriend, I think it would be weird if him and me went out. I don't know how i'm basing that being as that we've never even gone out. What am I talking about? Bear with me as i'm going to sum this all up later. Geez no wonder I never did good in English class with all those papers and stuff. Freck. And there was this other guy who asked me out and I said no. I don't know why...okay nevermind yeah I do. But that was different.

And then *another* guy (I really don't have that many guys, trust me) wait...oh yeah...I don't know how to describe this guy. The one guy (the one guy!) I wouldn't actually mind going out with, turned me down. Oh which brings me back to what I was first talking about. Friendships. I hope between me and this guy that there is a really strong friendship because I feel we really did have something good together and I see him as someone who will be an important person throughout my life. Whoa too deep there. But yeah. Oh my gosh I am so glad i'm doing this right now 'cause it so ties in to everything! But I can't say some parts on here 'cause it's really, really personal.

You know after writing all this, I just answered my thoughts on how I said 'I don't want a boyfriend' and 'Man I want to have a boyfriend.' And it comes down to 'I don't want a boyfriend but I do want a really good guy friend. A best friend who's a guy.' Oh my gosh I just figured that out at this instant. Cools. It all kind of makes sense (well, to me) now. Man at this point I can totally go into my whole life story. But i'll spare the entire world. But how is it with my guy life? Doesn't my guy life just totally suck? The one guy who actually wanted to talk to me...and I practically like ran away from him. Oh my gosh I am so dumb! Note to self- ask him if he wants to join me for breakfast after class on Friday. I so gotta do that.

Wait I never have any luck with guys. Why is that? Yeah I halfly know why. Guys aren't even that important I don't know why i'm getting so worked up. Man there's still so many things I have to do with my life. Gosh it feels like i'm just beginning...

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

:[mood]: lalala

When I have my downs, I mean I *really* have my downs. And then I just have these little ups, never a major ups like my downs. Okay so for instance I think I was feeling it earlier yesterday how I did not want to stay in Boston and I didn't think I could handle like just so many more months to my school year. I really wanted to go home at that point. Then well into the night it was just very relaxing as my friends and I hung around the dorm, sitting and talking, cutting out pictures and making collages, playing MASH, and thinking up what we should be as a group for Halloween. Call me crazy but that's what I imagined college life to be and that's kind of the way I like it. You know just hanging around the people who you feel comfortable with instead of going to parties, getting drunk, and just basically hooking up with random people. At one point it's not really a great feeling.

Today I just had these small miniscule ups that somehow really made a big effect on me. Like just me getting a super high grade for once, somebody I know waving at me when I barely recognized him, my classmate just waiting so he could talk to me after class, and just a few minutes when all my roommates and I were home in the morning but they left to go to class while I was just coming back. Somehow all the little things make for a major up that I didn't see until now.

Okay I don't know why i'm throwing this in but I would really, really love to be a song writer! It's getting to the point where I write songs instead of take notes in class. I need to learn to play an instrument or something. I think I should have more goals and dreams. :)

Sunday, October 27, 2002

:[mood]: phew

Oh my gosh this was definitely one of the craziest weekends ever in my life. I don't even know where to begin. Well, Saturday was a pretty rainy day pretty much 'till early night. Hung out with some friends and had some lunch and went costume shopping. Went to a Halloween party at a friend's place on campus. I went as Miss Hawaii. :} I found a sash that said 'Miss Hawaii' and a crown and I just wore like a black dress that was supposed to have an effect of an evening gown. You know? Well, I thought I looked okay. hehe.

It was a normal college party i'd say. I gotta put up this one thing. There's basically these groups of guys we hang out with a lot and one of the guys was telling me something I hope he meant. I mean he's always telling me nice things and making me feel comfortable here in Boston. I think he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said I didn't and he said that guys must be crazy not to go out with me. Yeah right but that was nice of him. And then he said if he wasn't with his girlfriend he'd probably go out with me or something like that. Okay what he said just practically killed me. I mean like he's saying he would go out with me and he's totally a great guy and I would go out with him in a second but he has a girlfriend. And I totally respect him for that 'cause I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt his girlfriend and I have total respect for her because she's really cool and they are both a good fit together.

So yeah. :\ I don't know what I get by putting that up here... After that party we headed back to our dorm room with a girl friend and 3 other guys from that party. That was pretty interesting when we all got back. I wonder if anyone reads what i'm putting up here. I kind of hope not 'cause I don't know whether I should go on about what happened that night. Whatever this journal is mostly for me anyway. No, nevermind i'm not going to say what happened. But it did kind of scare me 'cause it was nothing I have ever done before but I really wanted to do tonight and...actually it was exactly what I wanted. Hmm that was kind of weird...

Okay now summing up what happend last night made me think about relationships. Okay now I don't know where to go from there. Just a lot of things that has happend with me this year in terms of that. And I must say I kind of don't like it. Or actually it makes me not want a boyfriend more. I don't know why the world makes it such a necessity to have one. They're stinking brain-washing us i'd say.

hahahaha What the freck was I just talking about in this *whole* journal entry?!?!?!?!? You know I really just want to go home now. Of course I do 'cause that would be me running away from my problems and not being able to handle all that's coming my way. And believe you me a whole heck of a lot is coming my way that I never imagined would happen. Freck!!!! :p'. Don't know what to do. Don't know what I want. I really admire those people who actually do have dreams and freckin goals. Freck. I really need stability in my life. See doing these journal entries are good for me. Well, besides the heightened frequency of me talking to myself, it really just helps to put what happens to me day to day and how I should be making changes in my life.

I really just want to type a long journal entry right now. Oh gosh. When I close my eyes I see all these flashbacks on what happened this past weekend. Freck-in crazy is all I can say! Oh my gosh am I really like this? Oh my gosh wait. I recall my mother saying this thing to me...I would say no shorter than a year ago. Maybe longer I don't remember. She simply said 'I was a wild one.' And at that time she said it I was thinking 'what is she talking about?' I was like my mom does not know anything about me and when she said that at that time I really wasn't. But from, i'd say, June to now, her words were actually right. Kind of scary to think about. But I know she has no idea what I have been up to. I actually have stories I can hide and not say until I get really drunk. hahaha. *sigh*

Oh my gosh okay this is getting really long. Let me step out of my body and and analyze myself. What? Okay whatever. I believed in Hawaii I was really sheltered and raised up to be soft or just too kind. That's what I told my father and I think he agreed with me. I know it is really good that i'm here in Boston because I am learning so much. More than just a school education. But here is a little girl who has been basically thrown into a gaping mouth of life. I'm somewhere in the middle struggling to get through the top. I never realized how deep this all could be. And when you're stuck somewhere with no light and no time to think, what are you supposed to do? You're just going to keep thrashing and pulling 'till you get into the clear.

I think that's what i'm doing. All these things are just surrounding me and i'm making my way through it all and doing new things, new experiences. I'm actually living in the real world. The real world for my age. You know the parties, trying to actually focus on school, the relationships- friends and boys, being 5,500 miles away from home, being in a completely different culture... And amidst that all, trying to still be you. Dern I hope it doesn't get harder as life goes on. Oh man who am I fooling? On this note I think it's time to turn up the music and clean my room.

Saturday, October 26, 2002

:[mood]: wooo

Well, my Friday was just basically a roller coaster of events. And not even tied to each other. hahaha. Oh my gosh. Okay so my Friday started out with me waking up at 5 am to study for an economics mid-term at 9 which I basically failed through my butt. So yes I was just going crazy about me failing college. Yes. Then I went costume shopping with my roomies and a friend. Then we went to Chippendales again. hahaha. Oh my gosh. It wasn't my idea yo. A friend got us free tickets so hey why not go? What usually would cost 25 bucks, we got in for free. It was pretty awesome as usual. We were closer to this stage this time. I saw my hottie. Nothing exciting with him though. But there was this other chippendales dancer and...haha I can't put it on up here 'cause it was embarassing. I mean not embarassing per say because it was totally good for me!!!!!!!!!

Yes. :D Wooo woooo! :D hehe. Okay so left Chippendales and got back to our dorm at around 10:30 or so. Oh my freckin gosh guess who I freckin saw?!?!??!?!?! Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh. Okay so i'm like walking and he was standing kind of in the middle of the streets with this other guy. I think they were just talking out loud how Ryan was stoned. And I pass by and I turn back and I kind of yell like 'Ryan!' And he's all like 'hey!' haha. Man I tell my stories retardedly. But anyway i'm like 'you're stoned?!?' And he's all like 'nooo.' Then he proceeds to tell me this story about the streets and how it tied in with being stoned. I don't know if he was wasted or not because he was telling me this long story like he had no where to go and I had no where to go. Well, we basically didn't. When I see Ryan, the world just stops turning...wooo wooo yeah right!

Okay so I wasn't listening to his stoner story then I ask him what he's up to tonight and he says he's going to a party. And I think I also heard about that party. So i'm like freck I gotta go to this party! He then tells me where it is and all and yeah. Okay yeah I think he was wasted. He was so cute though. He was wasted in a way that he just kept talking and talking. So yeah and then (wait pause for a *sigh!!!!!!!!!*) I think some of his friends are heading out now to the subway so I said I would probably see him at that party and I don't know how this next part happened but we leaned towards each other and hugged each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the freck?!?!?!??!?! :D I don't even know how that happened oh my gosh. So I told him to stop by my room some time. I doubt he'll remember my room number but oh wells. Freckin *sigh* Yaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Oh my gosh that was just so great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that happend. I really can't. Okay but wait let me explain more about Ryan. Like he is like the one person who you would totally not think I would like. For instance he does drugs, probably drinks, basically wears the same thing everyday, wears sandals with socks...etc. Oh and he looks like Brandon Boyd from Incubus which is a major plus. But i'm thinking opposites attract. Besides the outer appearance and stuff I really like his personality and he is really cool and really nice. And I can't believe from not knowing him at all to knowing him for a year, we have totally progressed. What did that make sense? Well, for me it did. I actually hugged him. That was just so beautiful.

Oh my gosh I can't believe that. I should have gotten his number hello! Okay so we were both basically alone in the streets and then we parted to go to our groups. So freck my roommates and I didn't go to the party :( because my roomies friends from her hometown were stopping by. So we basically ended up staying here. Had a little party. Freck. It was pretty cool I guess. Although I cleaned this morning and there was freckin so many beer cans! Glad we didn't get busted again.

And that was my Friday. :D Oh and I talked to (well, over the computer) a friend I haven't talked to since I left Hawaii. Well, yeah. I mean that was just really nice and it made me really happy. :} So yes. :D Okay that's it for now. Wonder what's happening tonight...

Thursday, October 24, 2002

:[mood]: kind of sad

I guess i'm just thinking about those lives you pass on the streets. You know those certain ones who have this far off gaze and are really just crying on the inside maybe hoping that somebody out there will reach for their hand and make them feel like they belong in this world. That their life really does have a purpose. I'll admit i'm feeling like that right now...

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

:[mood]: i'm cold

I'm probably going to use that freezing mouse up there being that it's so freckin cold now. Especially when you wake up at freckin 7 for classes. Or actually *go* outside in morning 35 degree weather. Yes. I want warm bed. Ahhh freck. So I hung out with a friend yesterday and we skipped classes. Yes, i'll admit it. We were all dressed up and walking to our classes but like as we neared the building where my class was i'm like 'do you want to go to class?' And she asked me 'do you want to go to class?' And this continued 'till we passed my building and ended up sitting just outside of it and talking. I'm pretty twisted right now in my life and what I find important and stuff like that. I felt talking with her at that moment was more important than going to classes. It is so fulfilling when you actually talk to somebody and they actually listen. Thanks Pei-I. ;)

So we basically talked about my "wild" weekend and just how much I was changing. Looking back on last year I must admit that was the most successful i've been in terms of school. Like in my *whole* school career. But the underhand (underhand? is that the right word? whatever) of my doing good in school was that I was completely unhappy. Like I had hardly any friends, I hardly went out, just basically did nothing but sit at my desk and study. And i'll admit it now that towards the end of my first year of college I had like a breakdown. I just totally brokedown and I guess I was stressed. It really is freckin stressful when so much pressure is placed upon getting good grades. I mean I don't even want to think about it now 'cause it really hurt me mentally and physically.

Now this year i'm...in school yes...wait actually no. See? Freck. But somehow i'm happy. I have friends, I go out, and i'm actually enjoying here in Boston which I never even uttered that phrase last year. And the underhand here (underhand, what the freck?) is i'm doing pretty poorly in school but i'm very happy in terms of...life? Yeah. I don't know just talking to my friend reaffirmed everything. I need a BALANCE in my life. A BALANCE. For the life of me I don't know how to do that. And she also said I was unmotivated. Oh gosh she has me to a 'T' in everything. The word 'balance' and 'unmotivated' have constantly been ringing in my ears since I got to Boston and now that my friend said it without me actually telling her, it rings louder.

So basically I just said to her, 'I don't know what to do with my life.' I'm not seeing things in like long-term on how school is going to be good for me and all. I think i'm at that stage again in my life where I don't know which way is up or down in my life. I feel like i'm spiraling down into nothing if this keeps up. Damn I don't know what to do with my life!

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