Thursday, October 10, 2002

:[mood]: feelin' fiiiiine

hehe. Uhm yeah. Three-day weekend coming up! Great am I the only one who can't go home for the break? :\ I don't think my roomies are going home even though they live like 20 minutes away from their homes. Yeah. I could use some warm weather about now. My skin does not take well to this cold weather. Ow. Nothing really interesting going on in my life right now. Other than the fact that i'm going crazy dealing with some things. Yes, some Amanda things. I think I need to go shopping again. That's the place where I go to "think." Oh you know what I really want to do? Go to the Charles River and take some pictures of the fall foliage! Yeah I think i'll do that tomorrow after classes...sounds good yo! Oh my dad called me and he said the Christmas decorations are already set up in Macy's. Really? Already? It's only October! Geez louise. Well, I shouldn't talk 'cause I already started buying Christmas presents! hehehe. :}

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

:[mood]: cold

haha Okay it wasn't as cold as the mouse above indicates. But it was pretty dern cold today. I wake up at 7:00 and it's like 48 degrees. Actually I think the cold weather is coming pretty late 'cause last year it must've come around September. Oh gosh I hope this is a mild winter. I'm walking to Dunkin Donuts and I thought my fingers were going to fall off. hehe. How exciting. Yeah right. Well, my day is only half over and I have to cram for a psych test in like the next 2 hours. Then I have 2 tests tomorrow for Calc and Econ. Did I mention how much I love to sleep? Freck I hate school.

Monday, October 07, 2002

:[mood]: lala

It's Monday morning. I don't really have anything to write about but I feel like writing dern it. Oh wait oh my gosh my left eye is better! I can't believe it. For like the past 2 weeks it was super puffy and I had like 4 folds in my eye. Freck. Well, that's one good thing in my life. It's all downhill from here. I have 3 tests by the middle of this week. Oh freck. I like really, really don't want to do the test-study thing. Okay freck let's not talk about school.

Yeah anyway one of my friends back home sent me a little message. :) He like gave me just a word of advice and some kind words and I never expected that of him. That was really sweet of him and it made me smile. :) Note to self: develop a friendship with him when I get back. Ho hum here starts another stinking week...

Saturday, October 05, 2002

:[mood]: ...

I hung some stars in our common room. It looks pretty cool yo. This weekend is just a lazy weekend for me and I like it. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. Especially in terms of college. Should I work or transfer to another college or stay here... I don't know. But I have to make a decision or so like soon. I was just thinking of so many things while lying on the couch. Don't you hate it when you wake up late, say around noon, and you couldn't wake up earlier because of nightmares? It's like when you're having nightmares, you can't wake up. But of course when you're having a good dream, you always seem to wake up during the good part. Well, that's what happened to me this morning-ish. I just kept having a series of nightmares that I can't really remember right now. All I know was I was being chased. So of course this means i'm having some issues in my life and if I don't resolve it, it will keep on bothering me especially in my sleep. I hate that when my life and my sleep and my well-being are so closely tied together.

I don't know how I came to this little "epiphany" last night. I was thinking about someone and how things seemed really weird between us. And then it dawned on me. I was trying to hold onto something. I think it went beyond the person and more of like what he did for me as a person. Makes sense? It's weird. When I needed him the most, he's not there. Or when I just needed something from someone, I never get it and the time has passed and it's getting harder for me.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

:[mood]: stomachache

I have a nasty stomachache right now. I bet that's why i'm not sleeping right now. That's what you get for eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches all day. I don't even know why i'm attempting to write something in this journal. I don't really want to share my thoughts right now. Kinda personal i'd say. It's just who I am. Just kind of ridiculous day for me battling with my thoughts on everything from school, life, family, friends, love...just everything yo. I was in the weirdest mood and I even "acted" different when iming a friend to greet him happy birthday. That was just kind of weird of me to let my problems hang out in the open. I hate doing that but I couldn't control it. Some kind of hormonal unbalance i'd say. Stinking me.

I don't know what I want to do with myself right now. It's like a slight breeze can just push over my whole being at any second. I'm so close to just saying everything i'm thinking and feeling right now. But I know nobody is listening. And I don't know if I want anyone to. I'm just going to stop talking 'cause I hate leaving myself open. *sigh*

Monday, September 30, 2002

:[mood]: ...

I think it's interesting how you find help or like comfort in certain things, or people mostly in my case today. Of course the simple things in life matter. Okay let me just jump to this aim conversation i'm having with some guy. I like to say some guy because i've never met him but i've like "talked" to him for about a year now i'd say. Okay I don't know where i'm going with this. He's like giving me some actually good advice and it is refreshing to hear. I find myself being weird again. Oh yeah 'cause it all started up again. I don't want to leave myself too open right now. Oh my gosh okay somebody just said something to me which was unexpected. Another somebody. Oh my gosh. I feel like standing at some high place, looking over the railing as the sun is setting and the sky is a bright orange and just screaming at the top of my lungs. Man I would like to do that right now. Whoa where did that come from?

Awww man! So many things I want to do, so many things I want to say. So many things going on in my life. And it doesn't help that there's this nagging thing called school on my stinking heels. Okay c'mon last year was so my school education. All I did was stinking study. And I wasn't happy at all. Now this year is my street education yo. I mean i'm like going out now and stuff. Not saying i'm extremely happy either in this situation. It's just something different. The "college experience." Oh my gosh I just ended a 5 hour aim conversation with somebody. Dern I didn't know it was that long! Sorry! hehe Listening to me rant on and on. I appreciate those times.

Well, i'm in a crazy/weird mood today. Since being here in Boston, I keep wondering 'what the freck am I doing here? Is my life supposed to have some sort of purpose here?' I mean even if I was back home I don't think my life would be meaningful there anyway. Might as well throw me 5,000 miles away and just try to live my life. That's basically it. Being as that I am not concentrating on my education at all. I can't concentrate right now. That's scary. But I hate that pressure and I don't want to deal with it right now. Right now. Watch when the D's and F's start rolling in. Ahhh freck. But I did buy books and a journal today. I don't know how that comes into play. Yeah. I need a hot shower right now to just soothe me...

:[mood]: sigh!

Oh my freckin gosh. Yes my freckin gosh!!!! Okay. On Sunday I went to Newbury St. which has like shops and what not. Bought some cds at Newbury comics. Del Amitri, Howie Day, and Saves the Day if you must know. ;) Okay so I head to the subway and just wait. I'm sitting on the bench and a subway comes along which wasn't the one I wanted. I wasn't like staring at the people coming off or not really. But this guy came off and I was somewhat in disbelief 'cause it turned out to be my dream guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Ryan!!!! I was like wha? and I just yelled 'Ryan!' and he turned and looked at me and then he came to me. Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry I just couldn't believe this moment. I was surprisingly shaking I don't know why. We talked for a bit and yeah. Aaaaaaahhhh!!!! :D He just cut his hair which looks a bit buzzed so I motioned him to bend his head down so I can pet it. hahaha. I'm so dumb. I think I told him he looks better with his hair a little longer 'cause that's how it was the whole last year. Yeah.

Okay like since I also saw him yesterday, today before I went out I thought to myself- next time I see Ryan, i'll ask him if he just wants to hang out or something. And little did I know that he would be standing right in front of me. Yeah! And I didn't ask him. I am so dumb I am seriously kicking myself right now. How hard is it to say; 'Ryan. Do you want to hang out sometime?' I am soooooooooooo dumb!!!! And this was like the perfect opportunity 'cause he was by himself and we weren't on a college campus or anything. :{ Freck!!!!!! Freck me, freck, freck, freck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ack!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooooo retarded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think the thing I hate the most is when you want to say something but for some retarded reason don't say it then you regret it after. And this after can last for years...i'm not talking about Ryan in this situation although it could most certainly turn into it if I don't freckin ask him. Oh my gosh is it that hard Amanda? Heck no dummy! Freck!

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