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*my web journal


Monday, August 26, 2002

:[mood]: hopeful

I don't know what to think right now. Should I be happy or should I be sad? I really don't know. And I don't want to think about it too much either. I just don't know what to say or do. Wait did I put this horoscope up before? Oh no I didn't. Here's what my horoscope said yesterday but shhh. Don't tell the person I like that this was my horoscope because this is what he wants and I don't:

A love relationship becomes a deep friendship, but that doesn't mean you have to let the passion go. Don't try to fit emotions into easy boxes.

I can't believe my horoscope actually said that in a time when it couldn't be more applicable. Applicable. I like that word. heehee. Oh I see a loop hole. See we're not in a love relationship yet. We have to be in one so we can be friends later. Oh oh. Okay I gotta run that by him later. hehe Yeah!

 2:52 am -

Sunday, August 25, 2002

:[mood]: laaaaa

*sigh* I guess i'm just waiting today. I felt so crummy yesterday. I had a very bad stomachache and I was soooo sleepy. I'm just completely out of it and it's so hot today. *sigh again* Ay yay yay. Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. I seriously cannot think right now and i'm going out of my mind! Home alone and with absolutely nothing to do. I'm waiting for somebody to call and I can't stand it. I can't do anything! I don't want to think, I can't go to sleep, I can't eat...freck what is there to do! :p'. Oh gosh. afsoihjasdio;fhjaasefhcioadhdhlksehldkghxldiauwy

 9:31 pm -

Saturday, August 24, 2002

:[mood]: ack

So I slept at 5:30am and slept for a good 2 hours. Oh gosh. I don't even remember what happened last night and I wasn't even drinking. ;) I think I should go to school at UH 'cause there were some hotties down there yo. :p'. Went on this "moonlight walk" with some friends. It was pretty interesting. It was at Waimea at 8:30. There was a Korean, Chinese, and me and we said we were cousins to get a family discount. hehe.

Friend crashed on my couch at night. I couldn't sleep. I don't know what happened last night. Something that has been pressing my mind for the past month or so, I finally said to that somebody. Eh. It kind of reaffirmed what I hated and didn't want it to be a cause of a problem. Oh well what can you do? :( I hope my horrorscope is not right for today. :~( *sigh sigh sigh*

 10:03 am -

Friday, August 23, 2002

:[mood]: i guess i'm happy

I just bought Dashboard Confessional cd. If I could actually play music, sing and write good music, I would just lock myself up in my room and do that all day...

Some things just don't make sense no matter how much time you spend thinking about it. It's like I want one thing to happen but then again I kind of don't want it to happen. Because it's like i'm already happy I guess. I mean I was happy before something came along. It would be nice to have that something but if I can't have it, I should be happy anyways 'cause I made it this long without it...

I'm getting distracted. Watching this scary movie on tv, listening to my new favorite cd, and trying to type something...hahaha. It's a conspiracy against me I say. Messing with my mind...no not what i'm doing now but yesterday...i'm happy.

 11:57 am -

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

:[mood]: i have a stomachache now

Eee i'm feeling pretty defective right now. I was just thinking- is it better to ask somebody out and face rejection or to go out with somebody knowing that they will probably hurt you in the future? hehe Crazy what i'm thinking. But really what is better? But actually you can't accomplish the 2nd thing without the first thing... Okay ow now I know why my stomachache is still here...dern guys. Of course it would be different if I knew he liked me. Dern him.

 10:05 pm -

:[mood]: i have a headache

I think i'm hungry or something. Dern it! I wonder if i've been selfish? Yeah I don't know how else to put that. Selfish with my guy situation. Oh my gosh it is just driving me up the wall to the point where I haven't had a good nights sleep in awhile. *groan* Ahhhhh. How can you just get somebody out of your mind? You cannot. Waa waa waa. Okay I think I need to eat.

 5:08 pm -

Monday, August 19, 2002

:[mood]: sigh

Where oh where do I begin? This summer there has always been a guy on my mind. My feelings kept on constantly changing every hour. I went out with him on Saturday. It started out really nice 'cause I haven't seen him in awhile. So we just went out to get a late dinner. I was really happy being with him. It was so weird because all those days I haven't seen him gave me time to think and made me feel a bit resentful of him but that all seemed to dissipate when I was with him. I don't know if I blame his charm or my weakness.

It was a short night and then all of a sudden as he was driving me home I got this nagging feeling. It was an unbelievable pain as if something was killing me inside. I didn't know what to do and i've never felt this way before. After I got out of the car and he drove away, I broke down into tears. I had to sit outside my house because I had that feeling that something was killing me inside. And why did I have that feeling? I guess it was because I didn't want this guy as just my friend and I don't want to completely ignore him...I want him as my boyfriend but I don't know how he's feeling. So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know. I mean I always have these thoughts running through my mind on what to say to him and how I should act and stuff but you can never predict how you're going to feel. I wasn't prepared at all for having that feeling that night. And this guy is just so different than all the other guys in my life. I mean the ones I liked, etc.

Another interesting thing was my horoscope in yesterday's newspaper. It said: Romance is a roller coaster of emotion. Okay now how uncanny is that??? Really don't you think? Okay I think i'll just leave it at that 'cause that sentence is going to haunt me...

 3:41 pm -

Friday, August 16, 2002

:[mood]: what mood have I been for this past week anyway?

I had the weirdest dream last night. The dream actually flowed into one big...like movie i'd say. I think that was the longest flowing connected dream i've had. Okay anyways let me try to recollect. I think I was in this like big pavilion type area. There were many people there like mostly kids my age. It was some sort of gathering but my cousins were also there. We sat at the same long table. For some reason my personality in my dream was rather rude and cocky. Kind of unlike me. One of my cousins got up and went somewhere so I was being sneaky or something and poured like salt tablets into her drink.

I don't remember if she drank it or not. Okay I don't remember everything in my dream because it was just too dern long. So there was some show going on. I guess that was the reason why we were all there. hahaha. Oh my gosh okay no I was pretty funny in that dream. It was like a high school variety show or something. So we gathered around in the pavilion and watched. I forget what the first show was but I know I was making all these snide remarks. The next group were like cheerleaders. They were so horrible and everyone there knew it. So like during the show I would hide behind this beam and yell out how horrible they were and I kept booing them and everything. haha. People knew it was coming from me but I just kept on booing them and being mean. The cheerleaders kept going and when they stopped they looked at me and were like challenging me to do better.

So I went to the middle area and I did my dance. I was just totally dancing it out there. And when I was done everyone was clapping for me. Thank you, thank you. Okay this dream resembles some teenage movie come to think of it. :p'. Oh okay so I leave the pavilion and just walk. So now I think i'm on like one of those big mainland type high schools. 'Cause my dream was full of haoles...well except my cousins.

Like after my dance or something everybody was like shouting my name and holding up signs and I was like the most popular person in the world. Actually I don't even think they were saying my name...were they saying Katie? I don't know. Okay so everyone was just like 'way to go!' I began running down the street 'cause I was so happy and stuff. Then I passed this haole guy. His name was Chloe or something like that. He was also in the beginning of my dream but I forgot in what way. Anyway he saw me running and was like 'Amanda, Amanda!' Okay maybe my name was Amanda in the dream.

So he said quickly to me, 'Would you like to go to the prom?' I said okay and we kissed. That was so weird! Oh my gosh I like never had any kissing dreams until recently. Like this past week on 2 nights I had 2 different guys kiss me. Hey, hey. ;) Wow this is getting long. I should have bought a dream journal yesterday but I ended up buying 2 cds instead. Jack Johnson and Nas. hehe. Okay so back to my dream. I was still kind of in the running state so after I kissed "Chloe" or whatever his name was, he ran back to this girl who I believe was one of the cheerleaders I dissed. Some person passed me and said that was his fiance. His fiance??? I was like what the dell?? So I walk into this building where I see their baby in a bassinet. Of course I was in complete shock. It was just so weird. I think I run out again then all of a sudden this old teacher guy follows after me wanting to tell me something. Probably something about Chloe, his fiance, and the baby.

But I don't want to hear it so I run. I run through the campus and I was running away from the teacher guy yet I also was running to a class I had. And he knew I had a class next so he knew which building I was going to. We got to the building and he headed for my classroom. I also headed for my classroom but then I ducked behind the wall and was now at a balcony. I looked over the balcony and it was drizzling a bit. And then the teacher came up to me and was about to grab me. That's when I went over the balcony and flew off. I tried to fly but I was very close to the ground. The teacher was now down on the streets and I was just out of arms reach. I tried to fly away but he was there just running after me. There was this other girl there who was supposed to be my best friend in the dream I guess. Finally after awhile I began to go a little bit higher. But I wasn't going faster. So it kept on going like that and the teacher kept on running after me through the campus. A little bit later I began to pick up momentum and slowly ascend into the sky.

I was feeling happy that I was escaping the teacher. He was yelling things at me from the ground. I never looked back at him now. Then all of a sudden I was following myself. I think the teacher turned into me and I was being chased by myself. I was so scared 'cause she could fly to. So here I was being so scared that myself was chasing me. It was a scary version of myself. Then myself caught me and we became one then I fell to the ground. That girl who was supposed to be my best friend came up to me and propped me up on her lap. I was sweating so hard.

I think the teacher was trying to tell me something important but I just did not want to hear it. I thought it was cool that I could fly but my best friend and I knew it meant that I was dying. I refused to believe it and that's where I think it ended... Hmmm pretty weird huh? hahahaha. If I were to analyze some parts of my dream, I can totally see how it applies to my real life. Yeah but that's going to take up like a billion more paragraphs. Okay so I don't know where i'm supposed to go from here... It's like everything I want, everything i'm fearing up to this point, came alive all in one dream...except of course in different forms. Great am I supposed to confront it and try to make it better? Dern. Doesn't make any sense...

 11:59 am -


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