Thursday, August 15, 2002

:[mood]: frustrated

Even though i'm frustrated I wanted to put up a happy face because...it's giving me an ounce of hope. Yeah right. This is really what i'm feeling now: apsfhjweo;ifhj aweopur3o2ru;wjefija; Dern it. I think i've been talking to myself lately and I like said some stuff to my mom that I didn't want to say. It wasn't bad or anything like that. It was just that i'd rather have kept it inside because it dealt with my guy problems. And so if I didn't want to talk about it with my mom, I ain't going to do it here.

Dern it. My cell phone just rang but when I picked it up, the person hung up or something. Made me get out of my blasted chair yo. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! >:| So. il;awjf;oaseijf;iojnsd;alcfhja;sdofijseijxd;aoijdlashidflfhlrjqhcflizsdfh

Ahh freck it i'm going out to dinner now.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

:[mood]: a little out of it

I think I should stop feeling sorry for myself... Okay I don't know where that was going but yeah... *sigh* It's been so junk and boring for me today. Stuck at home with the weather being crummy and my mood being crummy and me having virtually nothing to do. I fixed some pictures and made some photo albums...ha-za.

So i'm sure i'm aching to talk about my recent guy situation... Well, something new came up and i'm waiting for it to validate. Once it does, look out because Amanda has every right to go completely crazy. I can't say what it is but believe you me Amanda is getting ready to have a nervous breakdown when I find out it is 100% true. Geez I make it sound *that* bad. It *could* be. Waaa.

I'm waiting for him to call. I know I shouldn't wait but all my friends said to not call him so...i'll probably call him tomorrow. hehe. Or whenever I find out the stinking truth about the news. Ack! Okay so I feel kind of dumb 'cause I had no right to get mad at him the past weekend. I had no right...but I don't even think he halfly noticed. I should of got mad at him for another reason which was in the past and thinking about it now, I already talked to him about that other thing. Makes sense?

Aww man i'm getting a headache. I just miss talking to him... And I just really want him to be happy and focus on whatever he needs to do. I don't even know why i'm so hung up on him any more. :\ I guess I just answered my own querying. I'm just preparing myself for this heartbreak news...oooh am I ready? Oooh... Freck my days are sooooo long and borrrrrrrrrring...

Sunday, August 11, 2002

:[mood]:

My heart hurts really, really bad. Thanks to my supportive friends yesterday for just being there. I really don't know what to say. :~( What else it's a guy problem. I feel sad and hurt mostly. But let's just re-cap my day yesterday. Woke up early morning and did some community service well into the afternoon. It was really fun and yeah I enjoyed doing it.

Went out with my friends during the evening. Haven't seen some of them for a year practically. It's always different yet always nice. Friends are so important to me and I can't live without them. Basically just hung out the whole night driving everywhere. But then I had to do it. I called somebody. Somebody who broke my heart and made me cry in front of my friends which, for the life of me, I hate doing. But they were so great just being there. Just being so silent and listening to me vent it out. I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

But who wants to be a sour apple on a Saturday night? So we went out again and checked out Don Ho's but then ended up at Sandy beach. It was just the 4 of us at first hanging out and just sitting on the sand. I was still kind of out of it so I left them for a bit and walked out on the beach on my own. Weird how this mood I was in brought me closer to my friends. I mean I never talked to them about anything like this and they were just so supportive.

In summation I was most scared about losing this certain person as a friend. I think it's killing me inside knowing that this might just happen. I wrote this poem about him 2 days ago:

In a distant memory I saw your face
your sweet lips I can still taste.
And here today I wonder if it was true
that you liked me and I liked you.
In this hour I feel so sad
that I let myself believe in something I never had.
But I am strong and will always be true
to be something more important, a friend to you.

Anyone has a remedy for my torn apart heart? Right now I just don't want to cry alone. You know it helps when I cry when other people are around for some reason. It's just that being around people who care about you is better than you being by yourself and just knowing that you're so alone. But then again you can't cry in front of other people because it is such a downer but that's what helps the person crying the most.

I hate being like this. I don't like this at all. I don't know what to do. This is the first time i've been hurt in this way. It really sucks. *sigh* It really sucks.

Friday, August 09, 2002

:[mood]: confused

Amazing how vast the internet is. Some people even share their whole lives on it. You can even read about somebody who you have never met. I haven't been able to sleep at night for the past couple of days. I mean i'm the kind of person who, if I fully believe in something, won't stand down or be pushed over. So this situation dealing with a certain individual (dumb butt is more like it) has me tossing and turning at night.

I mean I always find the good (yeah try to) and I can't forget this person because they've given me something i've never had before...haha but they don't know it. I'm thinking if you give a man an inch, he'll take the whole mile. I'm thinking for him this happened unconsciously...or i'm hoping he didn't do it intentionally to make me so confused, hurt, and angry.

I just want to yell at this guy but I know I can't. Yelling is just not in my nature and I don't think I can not knowing all the facts but believe you me I have a lot to go on. Ugh I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!

It's hard because i'm torn between a friendship and something else...

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

:[mood]: bored

Dern. I'm back home (literally) and bored once again. I'm just stuck at my house doing close to nothing. Where is everybody? Most of my friends are out at summer school (which I should have been doing) or I don't know. Yes, I have a list of friends I need to call because i've been a very bad girl. Dern. And oh my gosh it is so hot here. Ugh I can hardly breathe. Okay stinking telephone lady advertising-selling something whatever woke me up at 5 a.m. Agh I hate those phone solicitors.

So what should Amanda do now today? Oh no I shouldn't eat again. Ah freck. I'm getting fat again from being a lazy couch potato. Aww man i'm going to go eat now and be fat and lazy. hahaha. These doggone days of summer. :p'.

Monday, August 05, 2002

:[mood]: harrr

I feel like writing again since i'm home alone, quite tired, and my favorite sad-ish song is playing. Okay great now I just forgot what I was thinking. Oh okay. Uhm i've been obsessed with one part of my life for this summer practically. And yeah all these thoughts just running through my head. The past and the present. Okay it's hard to think, type, and listen to music on one ear and sing and read what i'm typing. hahaha.

Okay so. Oh my gosh I think too much. But it's good I say. So you don't get hurt and confused and hungry. Oh my gosh i'm just going to delete all my past entries already. Okay this thing i've been "obsessing" for deals with more than just like the surface level that everybody else sees.

Oh my gosh. Argh. Okay so dealing with this situation, one of my friends said; 'Amanda don't tell me you are just going to do nothing.' Oh how he knows me a little too well. At this point I feel like doing nothing with my given situation. Then again I just think that is jet lag talking.

:[mood]: lalalala

I delete my last entry. Why? Because I can yo. hehe. Oh dern. Why am I on this stinking computer? I should be sleeping or something. Just got back from my fun-filled trip last night. Yeay me. I know i'm out of it right now. So yups ow. This ring I bought is stuck on my finger. Ugh cutting off circulation in my typing fingers..............ay okay there we go. Ehm...i'm thinking about someone. Yeah that's about it. Dumb Amanda go back to sleep. Ooooh oooh. Uhm this is bad if I like use the computer as...no no that does not make sense. hehe Nevermind. I prolly going to delete this entry, too. Buh bye.

Monday, July 22, 2002

:[mood]: don't ask

Oh gosh Amanda's having her worst hangover ever. Wait Amanda...hangover...that just doesn't go yo. I didn't even drink that much...just a couple of glasses of wine...oh mannnnn. Stinking adults. Why do they let children drink at parties? hahaha. I don't even remember what happened yesterday. 2 different parties that just zonked (zonked?) me out. I was so dern out of it I halfly couldn't respond when people were talking to me. That's bad. And on top of that I just think I messed up something between a friend and me. And I saw the hugest slug ever. It was bigger than my hand. Yug so disgusting!

I couldn't sleep last night again. Partly due to too much wine, it was that special time of the month, and a bunch of other things. So I got up in the middle of the night, ate a malasada, and watched some movie on Lifetime. The little girl in the movie was named Amanda. How uncanny was that? I'm here half awake then I hear my name and...yeah...okay maybe it wasn't that great. hehe.

Freck honestly I don't know why i've been so out of it lately. Okay maybe I know halfly why. I'm a girl, can't blame me for what goes on with my body you know? And plus my mood swings start way before my...haha okay enough with all these details. Must drink water...not hungry. Oh gosh you know what I ate all day yesterday? I think I had a chip or two, wine, and all the desserts. That's it. No dinner, no lunch... Dern it. Ohhhh now I know why. You're not supposed to drink stinking alcohol on an empty stomach! Der Amanda! *slaps forehead* I am soooo dumb... :p'.

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