Saturday, July 20, 2002

:[mood]: mood not matching the weather outside

Sometimes I get tired of waiting. Especially when mixed messages are being sent. Don't need any more of that kind of grief. And besides it is a really, really nice and sunny day today. Maybe I go to the beach...or to a movie. Hoora.

Thursday, July 18, 2002

:[mood]: we'll see...

I had won tickets to a friend's play awhile back and the show is tonight. But in the past couple of days those tickets had become so tainted. I mean I had never really entered an essay contest before let alone winning some tickets. I originally entered that contest because of the essay question- 'How far would you go to be somebody?' I really liked that question. And then when I received the tickets in the mail, I was completely surprised. I even wanted to frame the letter it came with. I told my family members but they like did not care. They're like 'you entered a contest? An essay contest?' Nah nevermind i'm probably making a big deal of nothing.

Happy birthday Tei.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

:[mood]: eh

Have you ever had that feeling that you know something is bothering you but you just don't know exactly what. But you know something is there from your sleeping patterns. Well, I had this feeling last night. And knowing how my body works, I won't be able to sleep well until I solve my problems. And that's difficult because this type of feeling deals with me not knowing my problem so I really gotta analyze myself to see what's wrong. My body is so weird. Can't believe my sleeping and my health is somehow tied into emotions in my life. Yeah my body is so weird.

So right now i'm trying to analyze my dreams. Who can tell which symbols are important let alone remember them all. Well, here are the key symbols I remembered so far. I had 3 different sets of dreams. I think the first one had to deal with me drinking and smoking. Ugh it was so disgusting! Like I could feel me smoking and ugh I just felt like dying right there. So I looked up smoking and it said- 'Restricted vision. Cloud. Screen. Looking to hide certain feelings.' Okay true enough. I think that part was self-explanatory for me. I don't know what the drinking part meant and I don't think I was drinking it was just there.

Second part of my dream I think I was in like a huge amusement/hotel kine park. I was with my relatives or something and we were walking towards a place but I did not want to go the way they were going. There were like these row of elevators that I think were still under construction. But I got in it anyways. So elevators is a symbol. My elevator went up and down and stopped sometimes, too. Okay so I looked it up and this part says that- 'If the elevator continues to go up and down without letting you off means you have let your emotions, or your situation, get out of control and must do something to stop it.'

Okay why is everything dealing with emotions? Yeah that elevator part is true. And then while I was in the elevator, I was seperated from my relatives which meant I was lost. Being lost means 'Out of control and direction. Lacking in confidence somewhere in your life.' Final thing I was in an amusement park and it had water slides and such. So I looked that up and it said- 'Cleansing. Life. Emotions. Ask yourself about your current feelings.'

Duh. haha *sigh* Everything is emotion based. Dern this. And I just realized it's not just one problem. Because one of my problems just called. I didn't even know that was a problem until now. Or I never realized how much of a problem it was causing to me. And then of course there is that biggest problem i've been have been having for the past couple of days... I don't know what to say there. I feel so silent lately and even my mom is beginning to notice which is scary because she would never know when something is wrong with me and I don't know if she could tell by just looking at me.

So I don't know how to solve my problems. I tried talking to my problems but it just didn't help. Oh Amanda lame excuse. But does everything always turn out for the better? What? Oh you know why? These problems i'm having now are dealing with other people. So it's like 50% margin that I can solve my problems. I can't tell how the other people are feeling or even thinking. Aha I see it. It's tough. :( Why do I have to care so much for people? Dern people. I am so tired and it's starting to show. In sleeping and in life. *SIGH*

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

:[mood]: humph

I hate putting my feelings before anybody else's. *sigh* I hate feeling sad. Who doesn't? I wish I could solve everybody's problems but I can't...let alone solve my own problems. No more wallowing in my own misery. It just ain't dern fair. Well, i'm going off to Europe next week. Always nice to travel and not think about my problems. :( I hate this. I still stand on my belief that there is no such thing as love.

Monday, July 15, 2002

:[mood]: okay now it's Monday

I wonder if I tend to make things bigger than they appear. Like, you know, am I making a mole hill from an ant hill...was that even the right reference...ahhh well okay I know what i'm talking about. Okay no maybe I have the right to feel this way. *disgruntled sigh* Ohhhhhhh. I'm feeling very annoyed right now to tell you the stinking truth. Okay let's see... Okay wait now it just hit me. I am a fool. Why, why, why? Okay now I know why again. haha I'm answering my own questions, that's good Amanda. I don't think it's fair to me that I have to feel this way and I can't control it you know. Okay let's say I can't control 50% of it 'cause there's another party involved. Yes, it's a two person party tonight. Dern it. Okay no wait I feel used given the circumstances. See that's what happens when you tell somebody too much. haha. I was just looking at my phone and the last word I typed was 'touch.' What I meant was 'too much.' Dern I hate this. Yeah I know why i'm acting this way but I have a good reason dern it. Why, why oh why?? haha. I'm on AOL and guys are iming me and I am in a particularly bitter mood and i'm like scaring all the guys i'm talking to. hahahahaha. *groan* Drama, drama, drama. Freck it. Okay so here's what it all boils down to. I'm a good person and good person is what i'll always be (hopefully) and i'm going to bite my tongue and be miserable...oh yeah that sounds good. Why don't I just come out and say who I am talking about? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Why do I gotta say everything thrice? Of course this is morning and this is all crazy talk and it will probably dissipate by later morning. Maybe not. Must talk to more weird guys on the internet...yes strangers will help me solve my problems! Ohhhh gosh...

Wait I want to keep typing. I'm sure one sliver of this nonsense actually *makes* sense. *burp* 'Scuse me. Dern I need a creme puff. Hmm this army guy is producing some good advice... *note to self- delete this entry 'cause this is not normally me* Ohh I need to talk to somebody. I halfly am. Oh yeah i'm talking to myself and answering myself. That's when you know you've lost it. I sing really bad. "You're falling back to me the star that I can see I know you're out there somewhere out there." I'm hungry. Okay I think it's time to lie down now. On a final note- dern all guys. Y'all suck! hehe Texas army guy rubbing off on me... doodeedoooooo. Okay now that was just retarded.

Sunday, July 14, 2002

:[mood]: yeay it's Sunday

The stars were so beautiful last night. I couldn't believe in Boston that the most I saw were 5 stars. The city lights were just too bright. Here at home I saw over a 100. And you know me I could stare at the stars forever...okay well maybe 'till 4 a.m. or so. *sigh* I have a new favorite song and with me I can listen to that one song over and over. I slept in my living room and I put on my ear phones and just listened to that song and I ended up falling asleep. That song played over and over for about 3 hours or so until I woke up. I love that song. It's the new one by Our Lady Peace.

My horrorscope for today says that 'You're still searching for that person who is really on your wavelength.' Hello story of my life there. I don't know if this applies but I was just thinking about it. Sometimes trying too hard is not a good thing. Take for instance my brother's friend. He tried so hard to get this girl to like him and well, it just didn't work out. He doesn't see it now but it was a very good thing for him 'cause this girl is...nevermind. :p'. So my point you ask? Uh...how about you interpret that yourself 'cause I have no idea again what i'm talking about. G' night.

Saturday, July 13, 2002

:[mood]: ...

I was sitting in the corner of the room after dinner with nothing but the light coming from the computer. Reading over a friend's online journal with the sappiest sad song playing through my ear phones, I felt an array of emotions. All centering around love. Between that and watching Lifetime movies all day, I still stand by my belief that there is no such thing as love when it comes to relationships. I know it is better if I talk to that person but...well, it's me. Phone conversations have never been my strength. I know love does not solve all the problems in the world and I don't want it to. I guess sometimes it's not good to keep in all your emotions. But who will be willing to listen? I know one person and that's me.

Friday, July 12, 2002

:[mood]: eh

I don't know why some people think doing nothing is such a crime. Uhm I don't know for me it's just a time to do a lot of thinking and I guess appreciating. Well, I don't know to each his own I guess. I mean I just like opening my sliding door and staring out into the sky and watching the waves in the ocean. I'm not saying i'd rather do nothing than hang with friends or something, I just want to say nothing is something and sometimes nothing can be fun. haha Oh nevermind.

You know what's weird? I've changed. And now I know how i've changed. I thought it was just my mind but my parents pointed out something, too. :) It's a weird change and I didn't know that this something could actually change. All I can say is if you change on the inside you can really see it on the outside. Yeah I believe that. Ay yay yay i'm a weird person. You know I think I should keep my thoughts to myself...all this ain't making much sense to me either. lalala I just like typing I guess. lalala...

Earlier >>