Sunday, June 23, 2002

:[mood]: tired

Hmm. Just got back from Ihilani hotel. My dad had this company thing with all expenses paid. Hey I ain't complaining. ;) Only there for like 2 days. Had some food and hung out at the beach mostly. The beach was pretty. I love just swimming in the middle of the ocean. So relaxing... Oh and especially last night. A friend called like at 1:00 a.m. or so (thanks a lot for waking me up Tei) and oh my gosh I was talking to him on the balcony of the hotel room then I halfly fell asleep on you know one of those beach hotel chairs where you can adjust the back of the chair, etc., anyways I fell asleep on that. It was soooooooo nice. I woke up half an hour later or so to the moon and the waves. The hotel had a really nice view of the ocean. I mean like the hotel room was like right next to the shore and everything. I slept the whole night out on the balcony on that beach chair with only a towel to cover me. haha. It wasn't that cold. It was sooooooo beautiful. Somebody said you can never forget a good night's sleep and I will definitely not forget this one. Even though I woke up like a zillion times.

Earlier this evening I watched the sunset. It was so beautiful. I think I can see spots in front of my eyes now from staring at that sun for too long. It was a beautiful orange sun that dipped behind the clouds and sent the sky into an orange blaze. Too bad I didn't see the green flash. The sun went down behind the clouds. And then of course in the evening I was out on the balcony the whole night. The moon was so bright I couldn't stare straight at it. It was a full silver moon high in the sky casting silver lines into the ocean waves. And then I fell asleep. A couple hours later I woke up again and this time the moon was golden. A golden moon. I love that. It was like lower in the sky this time. And I swear that golden moon cast golden lights in the ocean where it was hanging above. Oh gosh it was just so beautiful. I don't know if I was dreaming or not but I saw the moon set? Like it set like the sun. It set below the ocean's horizon. It was pretty cool. *sigh* I hope I don't forget that night's sleep. What a great night...

Friday, June 21, 2002

:[mood]: eh mixed moods

I halfly can't write in here about some things 'cause some people I talk about read this and i'd much rather talk to them in person but I haven't seen that happening this past week. Nor am I going to hint to anybody what I really want. I'm not mad or sad at anybody. It's just been a really weird week for me. Good thing it's the weekend. I'm heading to the beach yo so I can get some r&r and hopefully get my mind off guys since they have been clouding my stinking mind this past week. Oh my gosh I can't explain how weird i've been feeling this week. Oh nevermind i'm going to stop talking since it's up to me to figure out what *I* really want. Although of course I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions. Ack. Whenever i'm in a weird mood I go into a music trance where I blast one cd really loud and just lie down and stare off into space and just listen to music. Oh gosh somebody save me! I need to get outta my house man...or just stop thinking which this house contributes to my insanity...

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

:[mood]: ...

My thoughts fly around in an unclear haze. Just passing up above me so that when I look up I don't know where it's going. I'm sure it doesn't make sense to anybody and I don't want it to. I guess I write in this journal because it's a way to put things in perspective although I don't see that clearly happening right now. What I want and what will be will never happen. It's an unfortunate reality in life but you know what? Who says it can't be changed? And one of my favorite lines- we'll have to see. Because only time will tell.

Monday, June 17, 2002

:[mood]: just happy

Ugh see i'm up early. Yeah only 'cause my family all went to work very early and I have the house all to myself. Great i'm stuck here. Uhm hmm I guess i'll re-cap my exciting weekend. haha If only you could hear how excited I am. Or how sarcastic. Anyways. What did I do Friday and Saturday? .......... I forgot what I did on Friday. hehe. I think I just went out to dinner. Whatevers. On Saturday my family celebrated Father's Day. Don't ask me why. Just spent the whole day together. Went to eat breakfast at the golf course (they serve good breakfast) and then spent the rest of the day at Hanauma Bay. That was pretty nice. Went snorkeling and stuff. Very beautiful. The fishies were so pretty and guess what we saw? A turtle! It was pretty big and it was like 2 feet away from us. That was very cool. Oh and then we went to Koko marina where they were having "father's day" activities. There was like a pizza and ice cream eating contest. I mean you had a medium pizza and an ice cream sundae together. Yuck! hehe Nah it's not that yuck. :p'. Okay wait I gotta throw this in. I think it was also this day that we ordered anchovie and italian sausage pizza. Anyways oh my gosh the pizza delivery boy was soooo hot! haha Dern he was really cute. Oh wait nobody's home now...maybe I should order some pizza and he-he-he. Okay nevermind. ;)

Okay now yesterday I went to my friend's play. :) It was pretty junk. No, of course it was really good or he was really good. ;) It was the play of Titanic and it was at the Diamond Head Theatre. All I can say it was really good. Thanks Tei! :) The Diamond Head area is really nice. I wouldn't mind living there. You know what I should do? Hike up Diamond Head. No, really I think I could do that. Aww man I feel my lazy butt gaining weight. haha. Okay why did this journal entry take me like 2 hours to write? I get so distracted. Okay now i'm hungry. Must eat. ta-ta.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

:[mood]: thinking...

How about I first share my dreams I had last night. Uhm I don't think I was thinking about much when I went to sleep but some how these dreams had something to do with my life right now which rarely happens. I think the first set of my dreams consisted of me being back in Boston and I was trying to get a job which I was sure was going to be mine. I had to come back the next day to find out but I came late for some reason. And the job ended up going to some girl with short black hair. And you know when I wake up and go back to sleep again, another dream starts.

So this 2nd dream was like in this big open area and all my old high school friends were gathering to watch a movie. Okay and that dream was short and it ended when I halfly woke up. Went back to sleep again and another dream started which was longer than this one and the other one. Now this dream was weird.

I don't know if I can explain it or if I should. Okay maybe a bit. I think there were some girls in my dream telling me about this guy who I like in real life or am supposed to like. Anyways they left and then the guy I liked was sitting behind a bush with his guy friend. So I crawled down and tried to eavesdrop but I think they knew I was there and they were talking about me but I don't know what they were saying. I think they were about to find me out so I ran into this house. It was Matthew Lillard (the actor from Scooby-Doo who I don't even like) who owned the house I think. So this part of the dream had to do with Matthew Lillard liking me but I liked somebody else. All I can say is I was in his house or something and the sky was completely different and just like it was moving fast or something. I was completely obsessed with it and did not pay any attention to Matthew. And then when he was about to tell me he liked me I ran out of the house and found this guy I liked (well kinda I don't know) and told him I liked him. It's a bit fuzzy on how it ended but I think we ended up together...

And you know me. I'm very fascinated with dreams. So being that I have nothing else better to do I looked up some of the symbols from my dreams in this online dream dictionary. Weird I know. So I summed it (is that a word? whatevers) altogether and this is what I came up with: basically the symbols in my dreams all centers around being frustrated with life but being happy with family. I'm frustrated with life and I want more out of it. I will have to make an important decision and it may be in love.

Ha I don't know how or why I came up with that conclusion. You know what i'm thinking now? I really shouldn't be typing in here 'cause some of the things I say applies to real people in my life and they do read this. Not that I talk bad about anyone but I think it creates confusion...And I don't really mean to confuse anyone. I just like to write I guess.

Or I like to think and write. Hmm. Here's what else I was thinking about today. With Father's Day coming up, I was just thinking about Father's Day and what to get for my dad. Of course there are always jokes on how dad's don't like the ties and aloha shirts that they are bombarded with every Father's Day. And writing a sappy poem or card is just way too overrated. So I was thinking of giving my dad nothing on Sunday. Because I think just him being here is a gift in itself and who wants to give him something that I thought was really cool and he would like it but it is really buried in the back of his closet...well not buried in the back it's sitting right on the floor. Oh great way to hide it dad! :p'.

This journal entry made no sense to me. Geez and it's only noon. Oh my gosh. Okay Amanda stop thinking and go eat some breakfast. I think i'm going to have me some steak and eggs. That's right. Amanda's going to be fat and lazy... :p'.

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

:[mood]: okay

You know what's weird? Even though i'm back home, everything still feels the same. I don't know what I was expecting but I don't know if this was it. It just feels so different here compared to me being in Boston. I was super glad about who I was up in Boston and how much i've changed. But when I came back home to Hawaii, everything I had become just seemed to dissipate. I felt so silent when some relatives came to my house last night for a party or how I felt somewhat the same when I went out with a friend or how I didn't know how to talk any more when I was talking with a stranger. But in Boston I could handle all these things with ease. Now I just don't know. I feel like i'm back to how I was for the past 19 years or something. Hasn't college changed me? I mean I had all these ideas in my head on how it was going to be but now I don't know. Of course you should never have any expectations.

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