Dreamline Broadcast
(special report, July 17, 1999)

[The usual exciting theme music.  Behind the desk is sitting not the famed Troy Poodlesbane, but rather Sir Jon-Jon, a fox pooka grump, in his favorite crossword-puzzle tunic.  He has a small opera diva handpuppet on one hand.]

JJ: Hello, I'm Troy Poodlesbane, and this is Dreamline. Happy Pranksgiving to all.

[Sir Jon-Jon begins to sing in recitative style, making the puppet mouth the words.]

The news:  What the hell is going on?  Everyone asks this. My mom asked me this yesterday, and what could I say?  I didn't start the fire. It was always burning. Oh, l'amour, broke my heart now I'm eating for two...

[He stops singing, and puts the puppet down.]

But I digress.

Things are more normal than a normal thing that's not very normal, and that's the truth, normally. Here to tell you more about it is my sister, Edna. Well, it's not really my sister Edna. It's my mom. She's figured out what's going on all by herself and she'll tell us about it. Okay, no, actually it's President Mandela. Actually it's not. It's Ted Turner in a feather boa. I mean a boat. A feather boat. A swan boat, from the Commons. It's a swan boat here to tell us why "The Matrix" is the number one movie among swan boats this holiday season.

[It is in fact the redcap reporter Johnny Anvilhead, standing on the Mass. Ave. Bridge. He is about 45 smoots from the Boston side. A sinister-looking red star is visible in the sky.]

JA: Well, Sir Jon-Jon, things are even wackier out here than when the dragon broke through last year.  And that was pretty wacky, as you can remember.

JJ: I have no recollection of these matters at this present time, Johnny. You may continue.

JA: Okay... So. Anyway. It's just like when the dragon came through and mortals could see our fae miens for the next day or so. Only this time, see, it's been going on for a few days now, intermittently, anyway: random people we can't ken as Enchanted look at us and run screaming away. Which is kinda cool, of course. Also, mysterious hostile chimera, some of them many-armed multi-fanged thingies, have been attacking kithain throughout Concordia and, if reports are true, elsewhere.

JJ: But that's nothing compared to today.

JA: You said it, Mister. It's been downright zany since tea time. The palace grudgingly affirms that at that time they, like Chi Mu, the Two Trees, the Rose Garden, and other local Freeholds experienced chimerical "explosions" centering around their Balefires. No one has been reported seriously injured. Man, that is some frickin' weird crap, if you ask me.

JJ: And perhaps even if we don't.

JA: Too right. Troy Poodlesbane, who is visiting a friend at the court of Queen Mab, said that things are wicked bizarre at Caer Palisades, too.

JJ: Do you have a clip of that?

JA: Here it is:

[Quick cut to video of Troy speaking.]

Troy: Things are wicked bizarre here at Caer Palisades, too.

JA: We have collected reactions from kithain around the Duchy.

Todd McKee, Redcap journalist: Well, let me tell ye, I was in the Davis Square Store 24 buyin' a delicious microwaveable sandwich, when all of a sudden this guy -- he'd been standin' there readin' fashion magazines, probably lookin' for nudie pictures -- suddenly shouts "the orcs are here! the orcs are here!" an' hits me with a rolled-up copy of Jane. You expect that sort of thing in Kenmore, maybe, but not in Somerville. I think it must mean the end of the world.

Silent Toby, Sluagh Seer: It's the star. Does the red star herald the coming of Winter?

[He holds up a Magic 8-Ball, which reads, "I'm afraid so, Toby."]

Rocko the Troll, Ducal guard: Indubitably this spells trouble for our fair city. My partner Chicken Joe and I are beside ourselves with abject terror. Right, Joey?

Chicken Joe, Pooka Archer: Cluck!

Count Dumas: There is no cause for alarm. What we are experiencing is some backlash in the Dreaming from the tragic loss of life in the Indian subcontinent these last few days, as unprecedented natural disasters take their toll on Bangladesh. The deaths of so many Dreamers and, no doubt, supernatural beings certainly has had an effect on the imaginations of mortals everywhere. Or, this could be some large-scale Unseelie pooka prank. Either way, until this passes -- and it will -- please report any dangerous chimera to the Ducal Guard, and treat any mortals who appear to see your fae mien with caution.

JJ: And that about wraps it up for tonight's episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Chuck say, "I am become Shiva, destroyer of worlds."