(six voices)
D.J.: And you’ve been listening to the soul-shattering music of... (gives play list), and next we have some more searing hits, with...
Weird Alien voice: Hello.
D.J.: ‘Scuse me?
Alien: I represent the F.D.D.: the commission of Foul Decadence and Degeneration. We have found your show to be sadly lacking in gratuitous turbulence and scurrilous exposure. Your reaction, pleeease?
D.J.: Scurrilous?
Alien: You have distinctly perpetrated an insufficient amount of sex and violence. Can you possibly arrange for some spontaneous combustion within the next, say, 60 seconds?
D.J.: My producer said...
Alien: If that will be difficult, you are entitled to the benefit of choosing a second option. Kindly have three naked persons pass in front of the microphone within the next 55 seconds. Your reaction pleeease?
D.J.: But how is a radio audience going to see...
Alien: I am obligated by our charter, you understand, to inform you that if you do not comply with my exceedingly reasonable wishes, I will be forced to detonate this trivial rah-dio station.
D.J.: Now hold on there..!
Alien: Your reaction, pleeease?
D.J.: (echoing him) My reaction, pleeease?! Look, my producer said that the FCC- the Federal Communication Commission, which is the governing body in control of this station, specifically requested that ... did you say naked persons?
Alien: That is correct.
D.J.: Do you mean, you know, naked naked, or just… nude?
Alien: If combustion will be unobtainable, you are entitled to the benefit of choosing to have three naked persons pass in front of the microphone within the next 40 seconds. Your reaction pleeease?
D.J.: Look, how will the audience know that they are really naked? I can get people in here..
Alien: You have 30 residual seconds , earthling... I mean, D.J.
D.J.: Ah, will you settle for just two not-particularly naked people talking in front of the microphone...
Alien: Whom?
D.J.: Well, there’s the two of us...
Alien: 20 residual seconds.
D.J.: OK, OK, I’m working on it. I’m taking my socks off...
Alien: Ten residual seconds...
D.J.: I’m sure our program director would be just tickled silly to sing naked...
Alien: Dance naked. Five...
D.J.: Now, hold on…
Alien: Four...
D.J.: I mean...
Alien: Three…
D.J.: Wait just a...
Alien: Two...
D.J.: minute..
Alien: One...
D.J.: Eeeaaaggghhhh!!!...
(a Pause)
Alien: Where’s the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom. Hmm. Let’s try this red button.
(a Pause)
Alien, cont.: Hmm.
D.J.: What does that blue one do?
Alien: This one?
D.J.: No- the one with the mushroom on it.
Alien: Hmm.
D.J. (sarcastic) God, I love surprises.
Professional Announcer: The next sound you hear will be altered in order to prevent your speakers from blowing out from the sheer impact of the topless women.
D.J. (whispering) The explosion!
Professional Announcer: Sorry. The explosion.
All: (bored) Kaboom.
(short pause)
Alien: And where are you going?
D.J.: To hire another naked person. Look, miss, could you get off the turntable?
Miss: (giggles)
Alien #2: Hello.
D.J.: ‘Scuse me?
Alien #2: I represent the F.B.B.: the commission of Federal Bookkeeping and Backgammon. We have found your show to be sadly lacking in financial humor.
D.J. and Alien #1: Financial humor?
Alien #2: We haven’t heard a single joke in weeks pertaining to, say, the Dow Jones stock report, or Freedlander Theatre box office sales.
D.J.: Financial humor?
Alien #1: Now you’re just going to have to desist, Martin. This is my quadrant.
D.J.: What’s funny about Freedlander box office sales?
Miss: Are you sure these are large enough?
D.J.: Put that back on!
Alien #1: I’m afraid one naked dancing girl just isn’t enough. You will simply have to find more nudity. And as to violence, the ubiquitous sound of combat on the radio is dreadfully important....
D.J.: You want me to tell jokes involving nude backgammon players? Or stripping accountants going to war?
Alien #2: (overlapping)...nor have we heard any scintillating humor about dice and dollars, rubles and rules, chips and change. There must be no talk of the federal deficit, of course, as this humor is without merit to the American Way of Life...
D.J.: … oh, of course…
Miss: Or would you prefer the paisley garters?
D.J.: What?
Miss: I’m partial to paisley.
Alien #3: Hello, I represent the F.G.G.: the commission of Foreign Growth and Goat-herding. We miss the tasteful sound of the fields in your radio show...
Miss: One, two, three, Kick! One, two, three, Kick!
Alien #1: Walter, take Martin with you and go hence! This is my invasion!
Alien #3: Oh, sure! It’s always your invasion! I never get a turn! Well, I want to try my Goat-herding approach!
Alien #2: Temper, temper, Walter!
Alien #3: Go inhale a nebula.
Alien #1: Fine. If you want to embarrass yourself and your planet.. I mean, country.. fine!
(over this growing hubbub)
D.J.: Oh, come on, now!
Miss: ...One, two, three, Kick!..
Alien #2: Quiet, earthling!… I mean, D.J.
D.J.: Miss, you dropped your... oh, never mind.
Miss: (giggles).
Alien #1: Well, Walter, if your going to take over, you had better get on with it.
Miss: One, two, kick!
Alien #2: You missed a step.
Alien #3: Fine! Alright, everybody, masks off!
D.J.: What?
Alien #3: (dramatically) You are a prisoner of the intergalactic council! I am not really a mild-mannered member of the F.G.G...
D.J.: (sarcastic) What a shock.
Alien #3: …but I, in fact, happen to be…
All: (bored) Dum, da-dah!
Alien #3: A space alien! See, as we take our masks off!
Alien #2: Masks, miss, not garters.
Miss: Sorry.
D.J.: Not you too, miss!
Alien #3: Now! If you do not surrender your planet to us immediately, we shall be forced to annihilate you with this hyper-kinetic and extremely expensive Acme All-purpose Alien Ray Gun!
D.J.: You aren’t holding a hyper-kinetic...
Alien #2: Well, your audience doesn’t know that; do they?
Alien #3: Good point, Martin!
D.J.: Anyway, I won’t surrender this planet to you! Never, never, never!
The Aliens: And why not?
Alien #1: Don’t stutter, Martin.
D.J.: Because it isn’t my planet!
Miss: This is silly. One, two, three, kick!
Alien #3: And just whose planet is this?
D.J.: Try Donald Trump.
The Aliens: (general hubbub of "Oh, sorry. Wrong sketch.")
Miss: One, two, three,...
D.J.: Don’t touch that!
Alien #1: And why should she not have that privilege?
D.J.: That releases the very large and destructive bomb!
Professional Announcer: The next sound you hear will be a very large and destructive bomb being dropped on three aliens and a naked dancing girl.
(dead silence)
Alien #1: Where’s the earth-shattering...
All: (bored) Kaboom.
Announcer: And now back to gratuitous nudity.
D.J.: (whispering) Classic Rock, you idiot!
Announcer: Sorry. Classic Rock you idiot.