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Rowing Humor

How a rower should take a test

For those rowers out there who are now entrenched in the halls of academia after spending most of the semester rowing their brains out here's a quick list of ways that crew can provide a more pleasant and successful final exam experience:

• In class, position your coach over your shoulder to correct any mistakes
• Tell your professor you only got through one paragraph of your final paper and then you caught a crab.
• Everytime you get stuck on a hard problem, sit upright and yell: "In two, I'm taking a ten to send Hickory away."
• Bring a water bottle with you (which, in a pinch, can serve another purpose in case your professor doesn't allow bathroom breaks).
• Have a coxswain there to let you know how you're doing compared to everyone else. EX: "She just broke her pencil, here's where you make your move!"
• Bring a pitch meter, clams, and a 7/16's wrench with you in the exam. The pitch meter to arrange your desk for optimal angle, the clams for your pencil so as the questions increase in difficulty you can "lighten the load", and the 7/16 for... well it's just a good idea to have one no matter where you go.
• If you need some more time to cram before the exam, just raise your hand to let your professor know that you are not aligned.
• Explain to the principal that it's not cheating to let your bowman with the 4.0 take the test for you since he/she is just an extension of you.
• After the test, raise your hand and protest that Maury came over into your lane.
• Treat the exam like a 2000: do only 3/4 of the first question, 1/2 of the second, and 3/4 of the third and fourth. Then, settle down to your regular pace until the last five questions which you do in 1:20.

• Keep going, they might catch a crab.
• (With a hint of hope) They're not going away as fast now.
• You're going to lose, DO SOMETHING!
• Give me another hard one!
• It looks shallow here...
• Pull harder guys...my dad is watching!
• Boy, those guys are fast!
• Hey guys, it looks terrible but feels great.
• Does anybody know which side the sandbar's on here?
• OH S***
• Guys, I don't think this is our race...
• Boy, I can't see anything in this fog.
• C'mon guys, that sculler is beating us!
• What are these strings for??
• Is there a reason no one takes this arch?
• Oh well, we can always get a new boat.
• Oh well, you guys never liked 'Bow' too much anyway.
• Man, it's a good thing I brought along this life jacket!
• OK, that last drill didn't work. Turn the boat back over and we'll try again.
• Six, put that fishing rod away.
• OK everybody, now it's your turn to bruise the kidneys of the rower BEHIND you.
• If we row fast enough, not too much water will come into the hole.
• All eight, get set to flail furiously, in two...
• How many times have I told you, it's "Puke OPPOSITE your rigger!"
• Why are all you guys facing backwards?
• Remember, anybody who's wearing socks gets thrown in.
• If we keep rowing like this, we'll definitely make it onto America's Funniest Home Videos this time!
• When did they build THAT bridge?

• You don't mind walking in frozen bird shit barefoot.
• Everything you do is "in 2..."
• You need to have a small pushy person around telling you what to do all the time.
• You can get up, get dressed and get out of the dorm before your eyes are fully open.
• The phrase "cox box" doesn't make you giggle.
• You believe the world wouldn't exist without spandex.
• You only recognize your friends from behind.
• When you need to go anywhere, you have a sudden urge to throw your car over your shoulder.
• Before you go anywhere, you are at Main 20 minutes early.
• You stick water bottles in your shorts for no reason at all.
• You feel naked without clothing enough for 10 people on.
• You believe all authority figures carry a megaphone.
• You sit in class leaning to your rigger.
• Half your body is bigger than the other.
• You blame bad moods on "the set."
• When your play softball at your company picnic you are psyched to get old people on your team for the age handicap.
• Your friends need a rowing translator to decipher your language.
• You can wear the same thing every morning for a week and not think twice.
• You think sleeping late is waking up at 8:30.
• Everything's a race: you walk quickly to class, just so you can pass people.
• When someone mentions being awake, you turn parallel and set up for it.
• When you sit down in class, you look for the tie-in shoes.
• You constantly check the tightness of nuts in handrails, chairs, door handles, etc.
• You think gloves are for sissies, but a nice pair of pogies is really stylin'.
• You bring up the beauty of the dawn, and people give you blank stares.
• Overhearing people talk about how little sleep they got causes you to smirk, and maybe get medieval on their ass.
• Your vision of going away for the weekend is other people's vision of Hell.
• You admire the man who wears boxers under his spandex much more than a woman wearing a g-string under hers.
• You watch videos together, and it's ok to say "She's looking really long."
• You know more than 4 brands of porta-johns by name.
• You're giving directions to a friend and you wonder why she's looking at you funny, until you realize you just said "turn to port" instead of "take a left."
• You dress and undress one-handed so you don't have to take your hand off the oar.
• Every time you sit in a chair you are mildly surprised to discover that it doesn't slide back and forth.
• You find washers in your going out purse.