Your
sweet caress hides your rotting soul.
To
love you or to hate you, it pains me so.
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a
link to the past... hey that's a zelda game. |:
old
entries :|
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07 April
2003 -- floating down a river...
2 days
ago... my life drastically changed. anyone who knows me might say
"horibbly" changed, though. ^_^ haha, well, i'm happy, so
very very happy.
i used
to have this imaginary enclosure that's ever-present, keeping myself
distant from another's touch, and i found comfort in being that way.
you could say that i was... afraid of what i didn't know was a good
thing. anyway... whatever, yeah.
haha,
what am i saying... all that's important is that i'm happy... i feel
like jumping from a building, because i know that i won't hit the
ground, i'd fly away into the clouds.
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15 February
2003 -- spirit moves through all things.
hmm.
for the
first time ever, i was really up all night last night. and then i
came home today at around 10:30 AM, and my mom just gave me a sermon
5 minutes ago. and i'm thinking, "what's the big deal?"
and then
some dumbass freak in my head says, "no big deal, yeah."
damn
it, what would they know? fine, yes i was wrong, but this is how i
am. i make plans on the spot, but of course, i plan beforehand as
well. however, i am really just like that, i do what i feel like doing,
and the consequence is that i am often misunderstood. <<
this paragraph is unclear. insert this sentence anywhere within it:
my parents were totally unsure where i was, but i did tell them that
i was okay.
hmm.
i would
take every opportunity i get just to show my friends that i am no
different from everyone else.
... i'm
just waiting for my dad to come home now. what will i say? will i
just take it all without defending myself, like always? or maybe i'll
be sent into another major guilt trip like before. man, they think
i drive fast, but i don't. there's this horrible scratch on the left
side of my car, MY PARENTS HORRIBLY EXAGGERATE SHIT. fucking christ.
they said it wouldn't be that way if i was slower. i swear, i almost
knew i'd get the scratch, i was so scared already that i didn't really
want to park in our really really really small garage. i was so careful,
i did everything with a pinch of anxiety and a dash of hmm, attempted
finesse. slowly... slowly... slowly... oh shit. it took a while for
me to realize that there was this scratching sound from the fucking
wall. and i knew, from that point on...
ah, i
know what i'll tell my dad. i'll tell him everything he's going to
tell me. they think i don't care about anything, that i never dwell
upon things i do, but that only proves that they don't even know me.
i'm actually killing myself right now, being all emotional in my head,
with a face as stiff as a dead guy's. but, who's fault is it that
they don't know me?
mine,
yeah. oh well.
"i
have a problem that i cannot explain, i have no reason why i should've
been so plain. i have no questions but i should have an excuse. i
like the reason why i should be confused... i know..." - System
Of A Down, Roulette
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11 January
2003 -- better late than never eh?
hope
you all had a merry x-mas... and i'm sure we'll all have a happy new
year, yeah ^_^
most
people mean just that day, Jan. 1, when they say "happy new year",
just like "happy birthday" relates to only one day of the
year, but we really can't mean it that way... because it's just plain
wrong, hahaha... the year that just passed me by, it was, overall,
one of the best years of my life. i've had highs and lows, like everyone
else does, no biggie, and i've realized a lot of things about myself
and others.
i had
a nice talk with a blockmate yesterday afternoon. through our conversation,
i came to realize how afraid i was of revealing myself to others way
back during the 1st semester, like july - august - september etc,
etc. well, not exactly afraid, but just a bit. more like i no one
really seemed to mind me beyond a "hi" or "hello",
so i guess i was afraid of "disturbing" people. not disturb
people with my psychotic whatevers, mind you, disturb as in interrupt.
-_-;; also, i learned more about my other blockmates, sides of them
i don't see during my eavesdropping sessions HAHA just kidding, i
don't do that all the time, just sometimes ^_^;;;;;
i had
a burger loaded with wasabi yesterday too. damn, it was so spicy,
i could feel my nose swell.
and now
i can officially call myself a driver, as last night, i was baptized
on the roads of EDSA as i did something wrong (which i didn't know
was wrong, btw), good thing my mom was there, she talked to the police
dude and he returned my license. haha i guess now i know where i got
my acting-during-desperate-moments "talent", if i can call
it that.
"It's
3 o'clock, and we ask ourselves: 'Where are we now?' It seems we've
wandered out of bounds again! Over and over we ask ourselves to utilize
things that are stored deep inside our brains!" >>
yeah! one of the things i've realized is that living a life that's
planned from the start to the end is quite boring, hey? you already
know what will happen to yourself in the future, no fun in that. it's
a suspense thing i guess. "living on the edge" as a friend
loves to say...
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10-11 December
2002 -- another day...
"I
think I'll go home now, it's been the greatest day... thank you for
shedding life to my fantasy. Throw me a wicked smile, the one like
yesterday... that threw me up and away to the evergreen... Like a
spiral staircase, down I go, losing every step. When will it break?
Today is gone, but tomorrow will be okay..."
song
by Mojofly, by the way. really nice, it warms my heart ^_^ hahaha...
i thought
that my birthday would be like every other... from the way things
seemed during the morning and the afternoon, i really did... i guess...
as a kid i never got "real" presents, since i wasn't close
to anyone, so i made my own. so i figured, hey i'd make my own present
again. there was a concert in the College of Fine Arts, a tribute
to philippine pop music/culture. it was pretty cool, though boring
parts are unaviodable i'd say.
so there,
that was my gift to myself. i invited a friend and some blockmates
to watch... yeah that's it. it's not much if you think about it, but
hey i don't really ask for much ^_~;;
... on
the way to the house of one of my friends (i dropped her off), she
mentioned that she read my previous freetalk. haha it gave me a weird
feeling. o_O; but it was okay. so i told her, "the thing with,
hm, our block is that there are groups, and if you want to talk to
this person you have to talk to all of them, like you're forced to."
weeeeeeeeeelllll, i feel forced because i don't feel okay with myself
when i leave people out just for my own satisfaction/whatever. then
she gave me an instance where she thought i was anti-social, hehe,
but trust me i wasn't being that way, anyway i explained myself and
she agreed, so there.
i don't
feel like sleeping. i wish i could go wake someone so i could share
how i feel right at this moment. insomnia? nope, "i think i'm
dumb, maybe just happy." haha borrowed from a song by Nirvana.
^_^
damn
it. i really can't sleep. i feel like i'm wasting time, or at least
going to waste time by sleeping. ::yawn:: oh well. hey i hit a neighbor's
flower pot while i was trying to park the car. i can't park reverse,
it was dark too, i couldn't see. oh well, i did it, wasn't straight
but it was within the space. all that matters, right? yeeeeaaaaaaaaaah.
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25 November
2002 -- arise.
hah,
i've resolved to myself to let all the crap in my past be just that,
my past, and just look forward to the future. like a phoenix risen
from the ashes, yeah. :P and to remind me of this, i had my hair died
red, and it turns orange under certain lighting conditions too.
heeheeeheeeeheeeehoohoooohooohoo
^o^;;
thanks,
Sho, you made me feel better. anyways, back to work on this project
of mine, class is both good and bad. ah well, since i'm a phoenix
now, it's time to burn the... ahem. ::halo::
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22 November
2002 -- tarot card: the fool.
i am
so tired... but it's not because i worked really hard on something.
it's because commuting here really takes a lot of energy. coming home
late with friends is one thing, but going home alone is another.
damn
this. ::is obviously depressed... (as usual?):: -_-;;
if you're
a classmate, or whatever, someone that near to me, you might not want
to read this, but it'd probably be good to do so... there are two
sides to a coin, hey? guess it's okay, whatever comes out is my fault
anyway.
i wish
that where i studied, there was someone i knew who was into what i
was. i wish that we'd take the same course in college because we both
love to do the things in that course. i wish we would have the same
subjects, the same schedule, the same everything, and then i'd be
sure that there would be someone with me at least for a while. but
no, as i was growing up and living in grade school and high school,
there was no one but me who liked to draw or whatever like it... and
i see my other friends in the block (blockmates, it's another term
for classmates but the class is called a "block", dunno
if it's like this elsewhere, but hey) knowing at least one person
who came into the course with, or having a bunch of other people have
the same schedules and stuff. i guess i'm just unlucky. but i don't
believe in luck.
wow,
juju, you're ranting about being alone. but you have so many friends!
yeah, but to almost all of them i'm just a shadow stuck to the floor,
free for all to step on.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
::slaps
self silly:: wallowing in self-pity is pointless. you fool. the problem
with me is that i know what's right and what's wrong, but my eyes
are blurry... um, not that i do wrong "evil" things, it
more of wrong concepts about stuff.
hey ju,
you idiot, you've learned to be independent from all the shit that
hit you all your life, and you still mind this? yeah, damn it i don't
want to do everything by myself anymore. i've never relied on anyone
else except myself, i want to feel how it is to depend on someone...
how it is to be disappointed when your fall with that person, and
how it is to feel victory with another. it's like a good glass of
<insert alcoholic drink here>, it never tastes as good without
company to enjoy it with. even cheap beer will taste like wine with
friends, i'd know.
if anyone
i know reads this, their perception of me might change. but then again,
i'm "different" enough already, with everyone treating me
as if i was just new. i noticed that people talk to me in a way that's
not the way they normally are, and it's really awkward for me to see
(hear?) this.
i just
opened pandora's box, again. pardon me.
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16 November
2002 -- <insert title here>
the weirdest
stuff keep happening to me, and by now one'd expect that i'd be used
to it... not really.
yesterday
and the day before, i said some stuff that were really, really stupid.
it was the kind of thing that sounds like something but is really
something else. good or bad? before, i -never- got into situations
like these, i thought out every single word that came out of my mouth,
so no one misunderstood me at all. consequently everyone thought i
was dead serious about everything, and i didn't really like that.
so... i guess it's all good, i'll just um, ::thinks:: explain and
stuff. yea, something like that.
i wish
that there was snow here in the Philippines. if there was, i'd come
to school naked... it's so HOT here man it's not even funny. it restricts
me in a lot of ways, actions-wise and... wardrobe-wise ^_~ but yeah
it does. it's early november and the sky is clear, bowing to the raging
sun's wrath. gaaaah.
sometimes,
i just want to kick myself. i'll find out why soon enough.
also,
i want to kick my philosophy professor. he thinks he's fucking god,
i swear he's nowhere near that description. whenever he criticizes
and brings down the society he always proclaims it with such zealous
fervor, referring to the society in which he himself is included as
"you", not "us". pisses the hell out of me. and
he only minds this nice pretty girl sitting in the front row. the
other universities should add "hypocrite" to their description
of him as a "heretic".
but of
course i can't do that. DAMN. haha oh well, to myself then.
^_^
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10 November
2002 -- F U N.
just
came from a tiringly lame night out with some of my high school friends.
it's 2:30 AM, and i'm waiting for my hair to dry before i sleep.
wait,
"tiringly lame" with friends? yeah. so we went bowling,
that was cool. then we played a little counterstrike, okay. then we
rode around wherever. then we met up with this other friend, and they
decided to drag race a little. then they tried to see who had the
better sound system (the car i was in had this annoying "vibrating
glass" sound that accompanied each beat, so i'd say that lost).
and so... their idea of fun, for me... is lame.
so you
had your speakers upgraded and your subwoofers are top-of-the-line.
pumping the volume up real high to try to beat the other's sound is
plain stupid. it just disturbs other people around and also makes
you look bad. seeing how fast your cars are is pretty dumb too. see,
what's the point? nothing! there's -no- point to doing those. but
they thought it was fun. uh-huh. so i just did my best to bear it
all.
i should
have gone to that other party of my brothers, i woulda gotten to meet
a lot of people and probably have more fun. i'd rather talk to someone
than hrm, see if you have a nice sound system in your car. blah. and
no one really noticed i was slightly ticked off... goes to show your
having fun.
-- "you"
here is meant as "them", my friends. sorry, it's a little
too early for grammar stuff to be minded... yeah. --
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07 November
2002 -- never change.
"someone's
always putting me in my place like i don't know where i am... so i'll
just sit here in the corner without any direction!"
song
by puddle of mudd by the way. perhaps the reason why i like rock songs
is because i can relate to their lyrics... of course, it's not all
rock songs i relate to, yeah. anyway, that doesn't matter...?
i'm feeling
better than normal today. the hell in enrolling in the university
of the philippines wasn't so bad, though i wasted a whole day... watching
my friends flirt with the girl who gives people PE subjects (slots
are scarce). talk about desperate, but i feel sorry for her, she kinda
got used.
and the
reason why i'm feeling better than normal is because someone told
me to say something when i'm about to leave, since i usually just
"disappear"... yeah, i'm guilty of that ^__^;; though there's
a reason why i'm like that, and i won't tell anyone why... the reason
why no one knows is the reason itself! wow! fucking damn cool shit
yeah i made a paradox thingy XP
tomorrow
and the day after that, i'll be attending this sales negotiation seminar
my dad got me into... i'm like, "hello?? i'm in fine arts? ..
not business??" oh well. maybe i can use this in the future.
maybe. and i'll be the only teenager there, daaamn. it's the whole
day too, so i expect it to be tiring. ::sigh::
my magic
doesn't seem to work much anymore. i used to be able to just talk
my way into/out of things, get what i want and stuff, but this afternoon
i got owned by the college adviser. need practice... or oil, it's
kinda rusty.
oh, another
reason why i feel better... my friends fight over the smallest things.
wait, that's not exactly it... it's the expressions of the faces of
the people caught in the crossfire that amuse me in a way. it's obvious
that they're pissed, yet no one really points it out (i should?) though
i guess both parties are hard at proving their point. if i was somehow
caught myself, i'd give them an alternative and prove them both wrong!
hehe. yep.
a blockmate
of mine is thinking of dropping theater class (which she chose herself...
musta been a peer pressure thing though) because she says she has
no confidence in these things. the thing is, there's a lot of our
blockmates in there too, so it shouldn't be so hard to act in front
of people you know...? hah, i wouldn't know for sure. which reminds
me, someone told me that i was a good actor. she said that from -real-
things i do! so... is there another side of me that comes out at times?
haha of course not, that's baloney. is it really? oh no...
pretty
long one this time. makin' up for lost time, ya?
wakka
rocks! ^_^
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26 October
2002 -- hidden.
watched
the 1st, 3rd and 4th episodes of the 2nd season of Smallville earlier
today. what happened to the 2nd episode? well, it's not for kids.
@_@ haha no, i'm not the kid but my cousin's daughter and my kid bro
was watching with me so i couldn't watch it. my cousin was probably
more worried about me being corrupted by TV than the others. (of course
not, hey) ah well, i loved 'em. i like how the story is developing,
how things are starting to be revealed...
we all
have something hidden deep within us. no use denying it, though denying
it is pretty much why it's hidden... it's ugly, it's embarrassing,
it's stupid, it's whatever, yeah. ultimately it's something we are
afraid of, but one day it will come out, whether we like it or not.
so grasp
it tightly now and control it or have it spill all over the place
during the worst time... whatcha say?
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