Send me
your favourite quotes and jokes, and I will select the best of the best
for this page. Address your emails to [email protected]
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November 12, 2005
Quote:
Woody Allen on health.
"I can't express anger; I grow a tumor instead."
Joke:
Three guys introduce themselves at a car enthusiast meet. The meteorologist
says, "Hi, I drive a Ford Tempest." The cattle rancher says,
"Hi, I drive a Mustang." The proctologist says, "I drive
a brown Probe."
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October 22, 2004
Quote:
Robin Williams on George W Bush.
"Some people are born great , some have greatness thrust upon them.....others
receive it as a graduation gift"
Joke:
(thanks jokes.com)
New Rules For Employment:
SICKNESS
AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However,
we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your
own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''A'' will
go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''B'' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted
time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with
a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in
the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee
here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.
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July 25, 2004
Quote:
Robin Williams:
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much
money."
Joke:
Jack is running into a string of bad
luck. He just got laid off from his job of 20 years with nowhere to
turn. As he goes to bed that night, he prays to God and begs Him to
let him win the lottery. So, lottery day comes and goes and Jack does
not win. One week later, because Jack is now running out of money from
not having a job, his wife and kids leave him. Desperate, as he goes
to bed that night, he prays to God and begs Him to let him win the lottery.
Lottery day comes and goes and Jack does not win. Jack, frustrated and
angry, screams to God, "Why have you forsaken me?! I have always
been a devout and loyal subject, going to church every Sunday, giving
alms to the poor and all that. Why must you punish me so? Why can't
you just let me win the lottery?" Suddenly, God's voice comes booming
down from beyond the Heavens, "Jack, why don't you meet me halfway
on this one? Go buy a lottery ticket first."
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June 22, 2004
Quote:
Joseph Conrad:
"The world generally is not interested in the motives
of any overt act but in its consequences. Man may smile and smile, but
he is not an investigating animal. He loves the obvious. He shrinks
from explanations."
Joke:
Chris Rock:
You have two choices in life. Married and bored. Single and lonely.
Ain't no happiness nowhere!
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April 27, 2004
Quote:
Malcolm Forbes (1919 - 1990), in
Forbes Magazine:
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with
an open one."
Joke:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks,
"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde
says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend
decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows
him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the
pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says,
"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and
then....." he sighed, and said "let's put all these Frosted
Flakes back in the box."
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April 5, 2004
Quote:
Homer Simpson (village idiot):
"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way."
Joke:
A Londoner gets lost in the English countryside
and so pulls over to ask for directions from a farmer on the side of
the road.
"Excuse me sir, is this the road to get back to London?"
The country bumpkin replies, "Uh, I dunno."
"Well, then, can I take this other road back to London?"
"Honestly sir,
I do not know."
"How about this one? This road surely leads back to London!"
"To tell you the truth, that I do not know."
"Well then sir, it seems you know not much!"
"That may be true, sir, but I am not lost"
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March 12, 2004
Quote:
Chris Rock, famous loudmouth comic:
"A white man dies, he leaves a will; a black man dies, he leaves a bill."
Joke
(from jokes.com):
Why Hockey is Better than Sex:
It's legal to earn money playing hockey
Many people play hockey even after they're married
The puck's always hard
The protective equipment is reusable
It lasts at least an hour
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
You always know how big the stick is
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding
You can change players on the fly
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds
Your parents cheer when you score
Periods last only 20 minutes
You're sure to get it at least twice a week
You can tell your friends about it afterwards
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February 6, 2004
Quote:
Alfred Adler, father of Individual Psychology
"The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions."
Joke:
A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut, but
is wearing a set of headphones with her walkman. The stylist ask that
she remove the headphones, but she just tells him to cut around it.
So he does. A few weeks pass and the same blonde returns to the shop
for another trim. Again she is wearing the headphones and again the
stylist ask she remove the headphones, and again, she tells him to just
cut around it. This goes on for a while, and eventually the hair stylist
just gets fed up because he's ruining his reputation by giving her strange
looking haircuts in order to avoid the headphones. So one day, he just
take them off her head and she falls flat on the floor of the shop and
dies. Shocked and baffled, the stylist grabs the headphones and puts
it to his ears...."Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...."
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July 30, 2003
Quote:
William Shakespeare (Hamlet):
"There is nothing either good, or bad, but thinking makes it so" (II,
ii, 241-242).
Joke:
ok, here's a cheesy one that most of you would have heard:
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
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July 16, 2003
Quote:
UBC Professor Emeritus and 1953 Alumnus Peter Harnetty:
"Most students now, just the same as half a century ago, have a
practical object in view: to get an Arts degree as a means to an end.
There is nothing wrong with that. But the professor has the challenge
to provide the extra dimension in an Arts degree: to ensure that students
in the Faculty of Arts not only learn the elements of their subjects
but also develop the critical attitude and love of knowledge for its
own sake that is the true value of an Arts education."
Joke:
(From jokes.com)
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls
was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?''
a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied,
''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began
snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As
the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said
your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
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June 29, 2003
Quote:
Republican Congressman J.C. Watts on George W. Bush's behalf:
"You don't need to be smart to be president."
Joke:
(Okay, here's an old one)
At the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory, each person on the assembly line has
a specific job. One person attaches the eyes. Another ensures the batteries
supplied are fully charged. Yet another checks the labeling and MSRP
pricing tags. One of the new employees comes out of the manager's office
with a puzzled look on his face, not quite ready for his job. He walks
to the supply end of the warehouse and picks up a box of ball-bearings
and some scrap cloth and proceeds to his place on the assembly line.
He proceeds to place two ball bearings within each scrap piece of cloth,
and quickly tries to stitch this onto each Tickle-Me-Elmo as it comes
by. Not surprisingly, he starts falling behind and the assembly line
gets backed up. The manager storms out of his office and eyes the new
employee. Now with a puzzled look on his face, the manager is not quite
sure what to make of the situation, then suddenly it hits him. He walks
over to our favourite employee and says, "You are such a nutcase!
I said give each doll two test tickles!"
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March 28, 2003
Quote:
TV Talk Show Host Dr. Phil:
You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought about you if you
realized how seldom people thought about you.
Joke:
(From Laffs at Lunch - a weekly standup comedy show
at UBC. Last week was Rick Bronson)
Whenever you tell an American that you're from Canada, what's the first
thing they do? "So, you're from Canada, EH? How was the dogsled
ride to work, EH?" Eh eh eh!! Canadians, we're the ones who are
right to say, "Eh" There's nothing wrong with saying "Eh."
Americans are the ones who are messed up. What do they say? "Huh?"
What's up with that? "Huh?" If Canadians say "Eh"
and Mexicans say "Si" . . .then Americans are in the middle
and should be saying Bee. It's the freaking alphabet! ABC. Not A-huh-C.
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March 6, 2003
Quote:
Actor/Comedian Robin Williams:
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet.
Joke:
Steven Spielberg dreams up a fantastic script for a pseudo-documentary
about the history of classical music, with the goal of highlighting
some of the greatest composers of all time. As with all Hollywood blockbusters-to-be,
star power is must and so Spielberg holds a casting call for actors
(and actresses), asking each candidate which composer they would like
to play.
First, Tom Cruise shows
up and exclaims, "You absolutely have to let me play Beethoven!"
Spielberg takes that into consideration as he sees Sean Connery come
barging through the day. "I shall be Chopin." Spielberg nods.
Arnold Schwartzenegger has been watching this whole time, and although
he is upset that Tom Cruise stole his idea to be Beethoven, an ideas
suddenly pops into his mind. Clearly, this is the perfect role for him.
"I'll be Bach."
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February 1, 2003
Quote:
Tupac Amaru Shakur (lyrics from "Mama's
Just a Little Girl"):
Don't ask why the rose that grew from the concrete has damaged petals.
On the contrary, we can all celebrate its tenacity.
We can all love its will to reach the sun.
Well we are the rose.
This is the concrete.
And these are my damaged petals.
Don't ask me why; thank god, ask me how.
Joke:
Why did Ja Rule cross the road?
Cuz it's MURDA on the other side.
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January 10, 2003
Quote:
Calvin Broadus (aka Snoop Dogg):
"It all boils down to the fact that you're jealous of my paper
stack."
Joke:
A woman tries many times to call for the bartender in a very busy pub
but to no avail. Eventually, nature calls and she heads off to the ladies
room. Returning, she heads straight over to the bar with an eyeful of
cleavage. Naturally, she gets the full attention of the barkeep who
asks, "Hu...hu...how can I help you?"
She begins to caress his face and tease his ears and lips and the like.
She replies, "Are you the manager?"
"No, I'm not."
Continuing with loving gestures, she says, "Well, can you give
him a message for me there, hon? Tell him that the washroom is out of
toilet paper."
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December 24, 2002
Parallel
quotes:
Roman Philosopher Cicero:
"Thou doest nothing, movest nothing, thinkest nothing; but I heart
it, I see it, and perfectly understand it."
Ancient Chinese proverb:
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."
Joke:
Things people say in golf that sound dirty but really are not:
1. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little bit.
2. Wow! Look at that length of his shaft!
3. You need to get a better grip on that thing.
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August 25, 2002
Quote:
20th Century Poet Robert Frost:
"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather
and ask for it back when it begins to rain."
Joke
(courtesy of www.jokes.com):
What do you call a lonely fisherman?
A Master-Baiter.
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July 30, 2002
Quote:
Revered Existentialist Dr. Irvin D. Yalom:
"One must learn to live with the living before one can learn to
live with the dead"
Joke:
*I apologize in advance if this offends anybody; that is not the
intention. I just heard the joke on "Just for Laughs" and
thought it was funny*
I don't any problems with
lesbians or homosexuals or what-have-you. Bisexuals, whatever. Bisexuals
. . . what do they do? Can't they just flip a coin each morning? Heads
I get some tail; Tails I get some . . .
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July 15, 2002
Quote:
Simpsons character Ralph Wiggum:
"It tastes like burning!"
Joke:
It's the end of the world and everyone is at the Gates of Heaven. God
comes out to greet the people. "Okay, if I could get all the men
to form two lines. The first line will be for men who were in control
of their women and the second line will be for men who were whipped.
All of the women can proceed to see Saint Peter." God leaves for
a bit to let the men organize themselves. When he returns, he sees 3
billion men in the "whipped" line and only one man in the
other line (men that were in control). God says,"You should all
be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you let your
women dominate you?!" "Now you," God says to the only
man in the other line, "you should be proud. Tell me, how did you
manage to control your women?" The man replies, "I dunno,
my wife told me to stand here."
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