previous day's entry September, 23, 2003
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Dear Online Journal

       I could just tell when i kept waking up this morning, that today would be one of those days where nothing would go right for me.  As you know, i have been having problems with my friends recently.  Today was horrible!  I lost a friend that i care deeply about.  He was like my best friend. i would confide in him, and i felt  like he and i could tell each other anything.  And yes, it was to the point that i had confessed my love to him and all my other friends, i even told my family, who can't stand him. (long story).  We even dated, which for me was great, but when it came to an end, i felt incomplete.  Ever since that day, i have felt like part of me was missing, but i accepted the fact that we could only be friends, and i was ready to move on and live life like that, but i guess that i said something to upset him, i don't know anymore what i did or didn't do, and in a nutshell, he got mad at me, i got mad at him, i told him i was sorry, i guess he never really forgave me, i said something to a mutual friend, to tell him, he got mad, and then told me to stay out of his business, and leave him alone. I'm having problems accepting this though.  I did well accepting everything else that has happened between the two of us, but this for some reason, just isn't working for me.  I don't want to give up on our friendship, because we have been through so much together.  He was my inspiration to keep going on when i thought i couldnt go any further.  He means the world to me, and i wish that he knew it.  We had been through so much, and it seems so stupid to just suddenly  stop being friends like we did today.  I hate this.  I feel so sad, and so down.  I don't want to cry again though, because i am running out of tissues and i don't want to have to move on to a roll of toilet paper.  I know you are probably thinking, why dont i just move on, there are plenty of other people out there for me to be friends with.  Well right now i just can't think about that.  I want him to be my friend still, and if i could, i would take back whatever i ever did to make him get to the point where he just didn't want to be my friend.  But i guess there is nothing else that i can do.  What's done is done.  You have to live with the decisions that you make.  I just want him to know that i am truly sorry that i made him feel this way, and that do want to be his friend, if he ever turns back into the guy he used to be like, and the friend that i trusted, he will realize that he let a good friend go.  There isn't really much else i can say to him, since i basically promised to stay out of his life now.  That will be one of the hardest things that i will ever have to do.  But, because i care for him, and i want to be his friend, i am willing to let that happen.  I am willing to let him go, even though it hurts like hell, and i don't know what i am going to do without him.  I hope that he realizes how much he means to me.  There isn't really much else i can say now, so i will go, and write more tomorrow.  Thanks for reading my sad story!

-The Turtle

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