F#$!% - hArDSoFt Releases A New Programming Language
by Blur
While better known as a computer games company, hArDSoFt's latest release, F#$!%, is a
different direction. F#$!% is a new high performance programming language for graphics cards.
CEO Bill Smith said the name was chosen from a number of suggestions given by beta testers.
"They were overwhelmed with the power and simplicity of the language, it was the only
response they could make. However one of my former vice presidents dared to venture that
the beta testers were actually exasperated with F#$!%. Hope you're enjoying your early
retirement Dick!"
Smith then went on to point out the great T&L (tits and legs) rendering technology
supported by F#$!%. "We've got some great language features that everyone's going to
appreciate. They'll make your softie hard! By the way that phrase is a trademark of hArDSoFt,
so be good children and don't violate copyright."
- No statements. "You tell the graphics card to do something, not how to do
it. This is the declarative school of programming. If I want a fine piece of ass on the
screen, a fine piece of ass I'll get. We all know what this should look like, so we put
that knowledge into the language. That'll save some programmer time, so they can have
more time to work on "gameplay", ha ha."
- No pointers. "It's rude to point. Didn't your mother ever tell you that?
Instead we have various other gestures like "the bird" and "the double
deuce". They're much more demonstrative, you know?"
- No numbers. "I'm not a bean counter and neither are programmers. Strings
are far more versatile and easier to work with. No loss of precision, yadda yadda
yadda."
hArDSoFt's F#$!% is intended as a standard graphics card programming language, fully
backward- and forward-compatible. Future compatibility seems to be imperiled by hints
that storage areas such as texture caches are limited in size. "640K ought to be
enough for anybody. And that's just my annual salary!" chortled Smith.
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