Seltsamkeit:
And then there were four.
[Rating: General
···
Length: Very Long ···
Genre: Humor ···
Word count (chapter: 2, 238) (total:48, 32 153 )]
[ Chapter
One ·
Chapter
Two ·
Chapter
Three ·
Chapter
Four]
Time was inexorably thickening. Peri could feel it tugging
at her arms and legs and was sure her stomach was at lest
three minutes behind the rest of her. Still she pressed
forward, against the shuddering fabric of this shattering
reality. Suddenly she was through. With a short ‘pop!’
the Doctor tumbled out next to her.
They were now in a huge limestone hall with pillars at
irregular intervals disappearing into the murky heights
above. Strangely, the dim yellow light seemed to be coming
from the ground and the ceiling (if there was one) was
indistinguishably shrouded blackness. It stretched out
in all directions as far as the eye could see, the columns
giving no indication that there was an end to the giant
hall at all.
“Well that was interesting,” Peri remarked, reaching
up to disentangle her face from the mass of hair that
had affixed itself to her bemused expression.
“Hmm, yes, temporal distortion, resulting in particle
destabilization and restabalisation in a different location.”
The doctor muttered to himself, absently brushing off
his coat.
“Temporal whatsamathingy?” Peri asked, face now clear.
“Mmm? Oh, temporal distortion? It means…” Infuriatingly
he trailed off, reaching into his pocket and producing
a cricket ball. Absently he began to wander about, tossing
it in the air and catching it with the other hand.
“Doctor!” Peri’s call didn’t disturb him in the slightest.
Reaching out to a nearby pillar he wiped his finger across
it. Inspecting his finger, he looked as if he was about
to say something but instead sneezed. In fumbling in his
coat pocket for a handkerchief he dropped the ball. Rolling
her eyes Peri stooped to retrieve it and suddenly felt
very ill.
Standing up very quickly, she tugged at the Doctor’s
sleeve, pointing downwards with her other hand. He had
found the hanky and was just raising it to his nose and
frowned at her.
“Whatever is it? You look rather pale all of a sudden,”
“Look down you mongweed!” Shaken or not, Peri still reserved
the right to be angry with his absentmindedness.
“Oh my giddy aunt!” He exclaimed, looking at his feet.
They seemed to be hovering, suspended mid-air. The view
downwards was identical to that of upwards, with no sign
of a platform supporting them. The columns seemed to disappear
into darkness, lit from above. Having quickly got over
his shock, the Doctor rocked gently on his heels and began
again to mutter to himself.
“An absolutely fabulous construct, this hall. Must have
a whole dimension to itself if it truly has the parameters
we can see…” But something bothered Peri. Whilst not having
the scientific mind of her timelord companion, she spent
a good deal of her time drawing (she blamed Erin for this).
And when you spend a good deal of time drawing, you learn
about lighting and shadow. This hall just didn’t make
sense.
“So where’s the light coming from then?” She asked. The
Doctor ignored her, vaguely waving his hanky in the air
as he thought. Hoping that he hadn’t already used it,
she grabbed the hanky and poked him on the hand.
“Hmm?”
“If the columns go into darkness from the left, right,
up and down, where is the light coming from?”
“Sometimes you are amazing, Peri! The human mind is not
as dull as it seems.” He forgot about rocking on his heels
and his mutterings and grinned broadly at her. Peri suddenly
wished she had gone with the hippy Doctor. He might have
been just a little saner, though with a haircut like that
she couldn’t be sure.
“It is?” Was all she could manage before the doctor had
excitedly bounced off, grabbing her hand and tugging her
along with him.
“Can’t you see? The lighting is wrong. It goes against
the nature of light to appear without a discernable source.”
“And…?”
“Well, it reminds me of the time…” Whenever the doctor
begun a sentence like this, Peri found her mind wandering.
By the time he had finished tugging her behind him and
his sentence, she had a stitch. She picked up a few odd
words,
“Hollow gods…Seventh…Not plobs…” But they were as nonsensical
as the whole speech the Doctor had gone through, so she
rolled her eyes and puffed
“In short?”
“Someone’s running some sort of holographic machine.
For all we can tell, this might be a small, gray room.”
As soon as he said this the great hall shrunk, the pillars
disappeared and the light came from above. The doctor
blinked and, with a mischievous grin said
“Or on a large field, in a fine day, playing cricket
with the best…” And they were there. The bowler bowed,
a bat appeared in the doctor’s hand. Peri scowled. She
wanted to be…
“Or in the Stargate control room, on Jack O’neill’s lap
being briefed on the next mission.”
“Ahhhh!” Yelled Jack when a teenager and a man with a
cricket bat in his hand suddenly landed on his lap.
“Achoo!” Daniel Jackson sneezed into his coffee.
“Oh my god!” Exclaimed Sam Carter.
“This is-” Began General Hammond.
Tel’k raised an eyebrow.
“CRICKET!” Yelled the Doctor.
The bowler bowled.
“STARGATE!” Yelled Peri.
“Ahhhh!” Yelled Jack when a teenager and a man with a
cricket bat in his hand suddenly landed on his lap.
“Achoo!” Daniel Jackson sneezed into his coffee.
“Oh my god!” Exclaimed Sam Carter.
“This is-” Began General Hammond.
Tel’k raised an eyebrow.
“Nonononononono, cricket” Exclaimed the Doctor.
The bowler bowled.
“I want my Stargate!” Wailed Peri.
“Ahhhh!” Yelled Jack when a teenager and a man with a
cricket bat in his hand suddenly landed on his lap.
“Achoo!” Daniel Jackson sneezed into his coffee.
“Oh my god!” Exclaimed Sam Carter.
“This is-” Began General Hammond.
Tel’k raised an eyebrow.
“Look, this isn’t real anyway,” said the Doctor.
“Awww…But its Jack!” Peri exclaimed, hugging the surprised
O’neil.
“Terribly sorry,” The Doctor patiently patted Jack on
the head and slid from his lap onto the table,
“But we’re really back where we started.”
They were now in a huge limestone hall with pillars at
irregular intervals disappearing into the murky heights
above. Strangely, the dim yellow light seemed to be coming
from the ground and the ceiling (if there was one) was
indistinguishably shrouded blackness. It stretched out
in all directions as far as the eye could see, the columns
giving no indication that there was an end to the giant
hall at all.
“STOP IT!” The Doctor suddenly yelled into the distance.
“Stop what?” Peri was thoroughly confused. And disappointed.
She had just been on Jack’s lap. Now she was back here.
Why couldn’t she stay on Jack’s lap. She liked Jacks lap.
“Not you, whoever is doing this.” The Doctor pointed
at his head and gestured about himself with the other
hand.
“Somebody’s doing that?” Peri was skeptical.
“No, not this, more like this.” The Doctor mimed sitting
in a chair, looking smug and drinking something.
“Erm…?”
“They will have been trying to ensnare us, silly. This
is just a holographic environment, programmed by our words
to show us whatever we want and keep us there.”
“But I was sitting in Jack’s lap!”
“That’s what you believed you were doing, that’s what
the environment told you.”
“And what has this got to do with,” Peri pointed at her
head and gestured about her with her other hand.
“Mmm??” The Doctor was looking past her, absently fishing
about in his pockets for a cricket ball.
“I do believe it’s time to pay a visit to whoever is doing
this,” He murmured, completely ignoring the fact Peri
was saying something.
“And how do you propose to do that?”
“Because we’re standing in front of them right now.” The
Doctor mildly replied. Sure enough their surroundings
melted into a small, dark room that smelled of cigarettes.
“Whaddayawant?” A round blob with a blazing cigar in it’s
mouth growled.
The doctor looked disappointed.
“So you’re not drinking anything then?”
“Whaddayamean?”
“Nothing, nothing. Now then, I’m the Doctor and this is
my friend Peri,” He put a comforting hand on Peri’s shoulder
as she looked about her and sniffed the air in distain.
“Whaddayawant?” repeated the blob, changing color to a
dark green and puffing a cloud of rancid smoke at them.
Not only was Peri wondering how this blob could talk as
it had not discernable mouth, but why this office kept
changing. In the corner of her vision she thought she
could see filing cabinets and computer terminals amongst
dull gray shelves but when she turned her head all she
could see was a grimy wall.
The blob seemed to be floating mid-air, but every now
and then she could make out the fleeting outline of a
desk and chair. It was strangely disconcerting, familiar
but threatening at once.
“We’re looking for…A few friends. Have you seen them?”
“Iaintseen nobody. Whaddaya doin outve da determinant?”
There was a short pause as the Doctor thought.
“We justlookin for awayto escape n findour friends,” He
said proudly before murmuring to Peri
“Native dialects can be most intriguing.”
“Ah datsok. Ya wannago back?” Peri opened her mouth to
say ‘yes’ but the Doctor beat her too it.
“Nah. Yagotta warp thingymawhatsit?”
“Yah. I gotta warp thingymawhatsit. What’s init for me
if ya use ma warp thingymawhatsit?”
“This is the bit where I get a little lost,” The Doctor
quietly admitted to Peri.
“Give him your hanky then, just as long as I don’t have
to stay here!” She firmly replied.
“Ahl takeya hanky,” The blob had apparently overheard,
“Butonlyifyausedit.”
“Oh, yes, it is definitely very butonlyifyausedit. Hurry
up and hand it over!” Peri was near the end of her tether.
If she couldn’t sit on Jack’s lap, she could at least
get annoyed at the Doctor.
Reluctantly the Doctor dropped the hanky onto the blob,
which absorbed it with an alarming slurp.
“Twosteapsback. Denoffyago.”
“He wants us to take two steps back,” The Doctor translated.
“I heard!” Grumbled Peri.
So they did, wondering if the random jumps would finally
bring them back to Earth, the TARDIS and a spotted beach
ball.
* * *
Back with the mysterious voice, Chris found himself quite
enjoying the company.
“Tell me, Mr. Mysterious voice, do you have a karaoke
machine?”
WHY YES. WHAT A TERRIBLY GOOD IDEA. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR
MY FAVOURITE SONG?
“Oh yes please!” Suddenly enthused Roz. Everyone stared
at her.
“Your meant to complain the whole time,” Peri informed
her.
“Come on, I’ve got to have at least a little optimism
every now and then.” Chris looked at the author, who was
hovering in the shadows and shedding hair everywhere.
“What are you playing at?” He asked her.
“Just get on with the song, you mongweeds, I want to write
a song!” She replied, angrily backspacing Chris’s objections.
“Charming,” Peri frowned at the author.
“Stop it! I’m not meant to be in the story! Just start
to sing!” And with that the author maliciously forced
the song into motion.
IT’S BY MY FAVOURITE BAND, “Yellow llama dishcloth el
sosho no lazy plastics corporation” AND IT GOES SOMETHING
LIKE THIS
*Suddenly lights dim, microphones appear in front of
the characters*
I was looking for your flange,
On a long and lonely night,
I was hoping to check the flange,
See if your electronics were right.
I was looking for your flange,
I was hoping for a flange,
I was waiting for a flange,
On a lonely night…
*The mysterious voice makes way for an enthusiastic Roz’s
bit. Chris and Peri glare at the author*
“I was looking for your flange,
On a day that was far to bright,
I was going to check your flange,
See if the flange was just right.
*Orchestra appears and swells*
I was looking for your flange,
I was hoping for a flange,
I was waiting for a flange,
On a day that was to bright…”
*Suddenly lights flare and Peri, Erin and the Doctors
are also singing with really dicky wigs, jumpsuits and
platforms*
ALL TOGETHER!
“We were looking for your flange,
On a day that wasn’t night,
We were going to check your flange,
To be there all the time.
We were looking for your flange,
We were hoping for a flange,
We were waiting for a flange,
*Drops back just to the voice*
A flange is all I wanted,
A flange is all I needed
*All join in for finale*
“A flaaaaaaaaaaange!
A flaaaaaaaaaaange!
IN YOUR ELECTRONICS DEPARTMENT!!!”
HOW REFRESHING.
“Yes,” Agreed the fifth Doctor,
“But I’m not meant to be here,”
“Nor am I,” Erin added.
“Or me,” Said Peri.
“Or me.” Finished the eighth Doctor. They all turn to
look at the author, who is still humming the flange song.
“Aw, all right.” She frowns.
“But Peri and Erin have to swap Doctors for variety in
the story.” And Peri, Erin and both the Doctors disappeared
back to where they sprung from.
“Can we go now?” The orchestra nervously ask.
OK, OFF YOU GO THEN.
“What happened?” Roz asked, blinking suddenly.
“The evil author made you enthusiastically sing a karaoke
duet with the mysterious voice.” Chris informed her. Roz
looked horrified, glaring about for the author.
“She’s not going to make me do it again, is she?”
“I think she only needs one musical interlude,” Peri growled.
“And good riddance. My head hurts again.”
**Stay posted for more :D**
[ Chapter
One ·
Chapter
Two ·
Chapter
Three ·
Chapter
Four]
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