Seltsamkeit:
It's Chapter two time!
[Rating: General
···
Length: Very Long ···
Genre: Humor ···
Word count (chapter: 2, 111) (total:48, 32 153 )]
[ Chapter
One ·
Chapter
Two ·
Chapter
Three ·
Chapter
Four]
“Well, this is just dandy!” Peri grumbled to no one in
particular. One minute she was reaching for the TARDIS
medikit, the next she was lying on a decidedly squishy
carpet and her headache was worse. She had sat up to discover
that she was wearing a non-descript black robe. Furious
that someone had presumed to change her clothing without
permission, she tried to stand. It was then she realized
that the black robe was attached to the floor.
“Hello,” said the floor.
“AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!” Said Peri.
“Jolly rude,” The floor sounded rather upset.
“I’ll say,” The wall agreed.
Peri fainted.
* * *
Roz was even more annoyed then before. Her beloved old
jeans and boots were gone, and so was her lucky cap. Chris
looked down at his folds of black material approvingly.
“At least we’ve been kidnapped by someone with a good
dress sense,” was his only comment. Roz did not agree.
She’d really liked her jeans, and some unknown omnipotent
being would have to hear about it. Usually she’d just
mouth off at Chris, but he wasn’t omnipotent. At least,
she didn’t think so.
“And why is the floor telling me about its old train
set?” Any sane person would have been scared out of their
wits by now, but after traveling with the Doctor for a
while and facing death at least twice daily, Roz was far
from sane. That and the fact she was Roz.
“It isn’t. Whatever method was used to bring us here
obviously has hallucinogenic qualities.” Chris happily
chimed, looking for all the world like he had just been
given a particularly nice present.
“Well it’d probably wear off. I don’t like that wall.”
“Why not?”
“It thinks I look odd.”
“Oh…”
As soon as the carpet’s enthusiastic chatting about its
latest engine had died away, Roz ventured to stand. The
wall didn’t comment.
“Absolutely fascinating,” Chris absently muttered.
“The transmat process must have disrupted the cerotonin
levels in our brains-” Leaving Chris to his theories about
the human body’s capability to get on it’s own drug trip,
Roz looked about herself and was pleased to see that the
rude wall had a door in it. She was not pleased, however,
that she couldn’t open the door.
“The basic disintegration of our thought processes to
follow our physical-”
“I worry about you sometimes, Chris Cwej, I really do.”
She sighed. Chris looked at her inoffensively and asked
if she could get the door open.
“If I got the door open, would I still be in the room
waiting for Mr. Science here to finish his revelations
on how many ways a human can get stoned?” she smiled sweetly.
She was going to say more, but a black lump on the ground
suddenly screamed.
The lump, on closer investigation, turned out to be a
human. A female human that, when woken, was revealed to
be called Peri.
“I was in the console room looking for an aspirin when
I woke up here and the floor started talking,” She explained
to the concerned Chris.
“Simple post-transmatical recalibration of the minds chemicular
workings,” Chris grinned. Groaning, Peri sat up, holding
her head.
“You sound like the Doctor,” She complained. Roz snorted
“I’ll say. You should try being in a room when they get
started on the theory of temporal time distortion and
the like. Utterly confusing.”
The words hung in the air for an unbelievably long second
before their full impact was understood.
“Are you talking about a Doctor with brown hair and a
space-time machine or your local physician?” Roz offered.
“No,” A now utterly befuddled Peri replied.
“I’m talking about a tall cricket-crazy one who always
gets things irritatingly right.”
“Cant be our Doctor then,” Chris muttered to Roz.
“Who are you, exactly?” Peri grumbled, head worse then
ever.
“I’m Roz and this is Chris and oh dear that door just
opened lets go have a look.” Roz paused for breath.
“Oh no wait I can just tell that some horrific and terrible
fate awaits us if we dare to venture outside,” She continued,
proud to think up such long sentences. As she went on
about the possibility that this was an evil trap set up
by giant pepper pots, Chris muttered to Peri
“Don’t mind her. She’s just a little-” He mimed making
a cup of tea. Peri wished the floor would start talking
again.
“Well, that’s useful.” Roz was about to say more when
suddenly the room disappeared. Chris opened his mouth
to say something but thought better of it when Roz crossed
her arms with an ‘if-you-say-fascinating-one-more-time…’
look. Peri slowly sat up, holding her head and frowning.
YOU HAVE ARRIVED. The three black robed figures looked
about themselves. All that they could see was darkness.
Looking upward they could make out that they were lit
from a spotlight. There was no sign of the voice’s source.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Roz muttered.
THERE IS A CHANCE YOU WILL PERISH. The voice obliged.
“Look, there is usually a chance I’m going to perish,
ok?” Her time with the Doctor had made Roz a little impatient
with death threats. I mean, it’s spooky the first few
times, but after a while it looses its edge.
YOUR FATE IS IN THE HANDS OF THE DOC-TOR. Still unimpressed
with the locationless voice, Roz sneered. This was just
another one of those days.
AND TWO HUMANS. VERY SILLY HUMANS. Roz finally began to
pay attention at that.
“What do you mean?” Chris nudged Roz in the ribs, muttering
“This could be interesting.”
I MEAN THAT THEY ARE RATHER SILLY- The voice was cut off
by an angry yell from Peri.
“Are you an advanced race or what?”
YES…
“Do you have aspirin?”
NO. Deciding enough was enough, Chris asked
“So these humans are silly?”
YES. VERY SILLY.
“Very silly?”
VERY VERY SILLY.
“So we can establish that a percentage of our rescuers
are silly?”
YES. SILLY.
* * *
The atmosphere seemed stable enough, if a little warm.
Both Doctors had bustled about, checking monitors and
flicking switches for no real reason. If you’re going
to step out onto unknown territory with yourself, you
want to know it’s safe. Finally coming to the conclusion
it was, they took off their coats and made to hang them
on the coat rack.
“That’s my peg,” The fifth Doctor informed himself as
their hands collided.
“Technically it’s mine too,” The eighth Doctor put in.
After an in depth conversation about the ownership of
the aforementioned peg, they decided to both use a different
one. Diplomacy with oneself is a high art indeed.
Whilst this was happening, the TARDIS crushed a sandwich.
It had landed in some bushes near a school. The sandwich’s
owner was not happy. She’d liked that sandwich. It was
hers. She’d taken all the time to make it, and now a mysterious
police box had appeared on top of it. She was about to
shout at the box when her friend also appeared, though
not on a sandwich.
“Where did your sandwich go?” The arrival with an odd
hat asked, not noticing the blue box right next to her.
The sandwich’s owner pointed. She liked pointing and decided
that it was better then shouting.
“How mean,” Was the response. The new arrival decided
to point too. It was when they were having a very satisfying
point and chanting
“Mummy, mummy, watch me mummy!” a door opened and the
Doctor stepped out. Both of him wished they hadn’t. Apparently
this was earth, but these two humanoids had them beginning
to wonder.
The taller one, a redhead with small blonde streaks and
an amazingly loud voice was yelling at them about how
rude it was to squash lunches with police boxes. The shorter
one, with a silly hat, was yelling at them about a large
pie and how much she wanted one.
“Calm down,” The fifth Doctor tried.
“CALM DOWN! I WANT A PIE!!” The girl with the odd hat
yelled, headbutting him as she did so.
“Are you a hippie?” Asked the other girl asked the eighth
Doctor, tugging at his hair.
“No…”
“Are you sure?” The girl asked.
After a long discussion about hippies, pie, hippies making
pie, pie landing on hippies, quantum physics and dimensional
stability, pie again, hippies made of pie, a hippie pie
and sandwiches, it was established that the girl with
the odd hat was called Erin and the taller one was called
Peri. The fifth Doctor promised Erin pie, if she’d just
stop poking him, and Peri was brought round to the fact
that the eighth Doctor was not a hippie.
“So what is your police box doing here, on Peri’s sandwich?”
Erin asked, poking the fifth Doctor.
“Actually, we were wondering where ‘here’ is.” The Doctors
answered at the same time. Without pausing, Peri began
to dance and sing
“Theeeeeeee year is 2-0-0-3,
And you are now in Aussie,
The best high school in Canberra-ie
And you are talking to Erin and Peri!”
Erin, by this time, had joined Peri and they spun in
a circle proclaiming
“We can be a hydraulics system! Do you want to see?” The
Doctors, backs against the TARDIS just blinked at the
two spinning girls. They stopped spinning and did the
best imitation of a hydraulics system the Doctors had
ever seen.
“Very impressive,” the eighth Doctor said. His other self
was clapping appreciatively. These two girls were certainly
odd, but credit when due-they could do a mean hydraulics
impersonation.
“Well, I think we’d better be going now,” The fifth Doctor
had stopped clapping and was shying away from another
of Erin’s pokes.
“Yes,” yelped the eighth Doctor, trying to stop Peri from
pulling his hair.
“Must dash!” but before the Doctors could shake off the
girls and get back into the poke-free zone of the TARDIS,
everything went black. Well, not black, more like a dark
beige. You get the idea.
* * *
YOU HAVE ARRIVED stated the voice.
“Heeeey! Why did they get to keep their clothes!?” Roz
was furious. Not only had four people, including the Doctor,
landed on her lap, but also they were not wearing black
robes.
“Because we’re special!” Said the red head.
“Peri!” Enthused the fifth Doctor.
“Yes?” Automatically, both Peris responded at once.
“Not you, the other one!”
“Roz, Chris, are you alright?”
EXCUSE ME
“I like pie!”
“Where’d you get that hat?”
“Does anyone know why we’re here?
EXCUSE ME…
“Jolly nice robe there, Chris.”
“Do you have an aspirin?”
“I like pie too!”
YOU ARE MY CAPTIVES. BE SILENT.
“I’ve got a tissue.”
“Ruddy disgraceful, this kidnapping.”
“Who’s leg is that?”
“PIE!”
PLEASE. YOUR GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
“Let’s let Mr. Voice tell us what’s going on, shall we?”
“Well said.”
“Ok,”
“Hmmmm”
“I like pie!”
“Llama!”
“Where’s my aspirin?”
“Fascinating…”
THANKYOU. YOU ARE MY PRISONERS.
“Well, no kidding!”
SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH.
“Well sor-ry!”
YOU, DOCTORS, MUST EMBARK ON A QUEST TO FIND YOUR TARDIS
AND SOMETHING FOR ME. YOU WILL RETURN IN THREE MINUTES,
AIDED BY THESE TWO SILLY HUMANS, WITH A SPOTTED BEACHBALL.
“Heeeeey! We’re not silly!”
“I like pie!”
SHUT UP…THANKYOU. TO ENSURE THAT YOU DO THIS, DOCTOR,
I SHALL KEEP YOUR SANER COMPANIONS HERE AS HOSTAGES.
“May I ask two things?” The fifth Doctor looked up to
where the voice could be coming from.
AS LONG AS THE OTHERS SHUT UP.
“Firstly- Why do you want a spotted beach ball?”
BECAUSE I’M A MISTERIOUS VOICE. I HAVE TO BE ENIGMATIC.
HOW BETTER TO BE ENIGMATIC THEN WANT A SPOTTED BEACH BALL?
“Hmmm…I don’t think I’ll answer that. Secondly, how do
we find our TARDIS and a spotted beach ball?”
USE THE WARPTHINGAMYWHATSITS. VERY HANDY.
“Ahh…”
THE TIME HAS COME. CHOOSE YOUR SILLY COMPANION.
“I still haven’t got this straight, they are ver silly?”
Chris wondered.
YES. VER-
“Yes, we get the idea.” Roz, scowled at the Doctor.
”Well, hurry up then, I only want to have to wear this
robe for as long as I have to.”
It took less then three seconds for the Doctors to choose
which silly human they wanted to accompany them. The fifth,
despite his earlier vow not to take on another companion
called Peri, disliked the thought of being poked for pie.
The eighth could only sustain so much hair pulling.
VERY WELL. I SHALL WARP THINGAMYWHATSIT YOU TO YOUR STARTING
LOCATION.
And with that, the Doctors and the silly girls disappeared.
“What about us?” Roz asked the darkness.
YOU WAIT. FANCY A GAME OF I- SPY?
“Why not?” Chris grinned. Peri groaned and lay down to
sleep.
[ Chapter
One ·
Chapter
Two ·
Chapter
Three ·
Chapter
Four]
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