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Back to last part - The Merger!
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There will be no longer be any immunity. Voting will begin tomorrow (Sunday) at 12 noon ET, and polls will remain open until 12 noon on Monday. As always, you can cast your vote on the boards, by e-mail, or both during this 24-hour period. The last vote received will be the one that counts. The tribes merged evenly, so every vote is vital. We're looking for 100% participation on this one.
Good luck.
JK: Oh, dude...I've been holed up in my tree house, working on scripts for the new season....
Cameraman: Really? Want to give the folks at home a taste of what they can look forward to?
JK: Um, okay...but keep in mind that this is all work-in-progress! You know, as with all great artists, inspiration can be a capricious thing. It can visit at any time; perhaps in the middle of the night, or maybe while I'm strolling through wildflowers....
Cameraman: Oh, Jesus. What. Have. You. Got. So. Far? What's going to happen with Tess?
JK: Who?
Cameraman: Yeah, that's what we all thought. Well, any new enemies this season?
JK: Yeah, okay...this is good. I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm pretty pleased. I've got this new race. Think "Star Wars" stormtroopers with better aim. Think "Buffy" vampires with less-cool effects. Think "Wizard of Oz" flying monkeys, without tails and wings. They're these three babe identical triplets who are outer space ninjas. They're gonna have the pointy stars and the nunchucks. We've brought someone in who can do those "Matrix" effects. We'll be kickin' and spinnin' and shootin' and punchin'. I think we're gonna get the Olsen triplets to play them.
Cameraman: What? That's just.... What? First of all, you said triplets and there are only two Olsen twins. What are you going to do about that?
JK: Well, they've both played one character in the past! How hard is it gonna be for them to expand into a third role? I did get some disturbing news from casting, though. One of them is gonna need a titty lift. C'mon, this is UPN, baby!
Cameraman: Which one?
JK: Um, the short one? The one that's built like a twelve-year-old boy.
Cameraman: Let's move on. What will happen with Liz and Max? Will Max make Liz 'a woman' this season?
JK: What do you mean? Will he use his powers to age her? That's not a bad....
Cameraman: No. I mean SEX. Will they do the nasty?
JK: Ahhh.... Well (hee), UPN would have me answer that as a "No" and a "Yes."
Cameraman: You're just talking gibberish now...
JK: No! No, this is brilliant. UPN is pretty crafty. Listen to this: The network is concerned about how the WB has handled sex between its teen characters in the past. UPN wanted to find a way to tap into both the pro-virginity and the pro-nookie audiences. So, they found a great compromise. All anal sex. So, yeah, Liz will get some action, but she'll be able to stay on her high horse and call herself a virgin. Pretty good, huh? We think everyone will have taken it up the rear by November sweeps.
Cameraman: Kyle, too?
JK: According to my notes, Kyle catches it in the fundament in Episode 3, Act IV.
Cameraman: Cool. Any stunt casting?
JK: Yeah, yeah, for one, we've got that guy from "Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place."
Cameraman: Oh, that guy?
JK: No, the other one.
Cameraman: Oh. Who else? What about Jonathan Frakes? He wasn't too bad.
JK: Um, no. But Marina Sirtis won't stop calling. I think we've got her pencilled in to play a gym teacher or something.
Cameraman: Remember when you guys were hot enough to get a Backstreet Boy? What happened?
JK: We've got one of those guys from S Club 7 this year.
Cameraman: Feh. Any more musical guests?
JK: We're planning an episode that takes place in outer space. There's a nightclub scene that we're trying to get Stevie Nicks to do a duet with Maria.
Cameraman: How is Maria going to get into outer space? And what's Stevie Nicks doing there? Oh, scratch that second one....
JK: Monkey, you haven't learned anything, have you? We write the episodes to fit around the guests, the sets, the available effects, and whatever craft services has on set that day. Not the other way around. If I can get Stevie to twirl around on a redressed Granolith set with funky lights, by God, I'll find a way to make it work. And then blame it on Ron!
Cameraman & JK: (laughter)
Cameraman: Seriously, though. Can you do me a favor? A personal favor?
JK: Name it.
Cameraman: "Edge of Seventeen." It's my favorite. Could they do that one?
JK: Nope. No can do. It's already been decided. "Leather and Lace."
Cameraman: Drat.
Tess wrestles JK to the ground.
JK: Ow! Tess, you're hurting me! Please stop it!
Tess: Damn right I'm hurting you! You should have thought of that before you turned me into freakin' Hitler! You're gonna pay for that!
JK: (whimpering)
MF: Come on, Tess. He screwed you over, but it's not like they wrote you off the show.
Tess: Shut up, Monkey-boy! You want some of this?
JK: (sobbing uncontrolably)
MF: No ma'am. (camera's fade as MF walks away. We hear JK weeping profusely as Tess utters a string of obscenities about his mother)
It wasn't me! I mean, hi, Monkey.
MF: Did you really take Liz's virginity?
I don't know how but... I had a really bad night that night and I was so incredibly drunk. I thought it was all a nightmare! Please, forgive me! I'm so sorry!
I remember leaving Sean and the others, they were still playing Naked Twister, to go get somemore drinks from the bar. I remember Liz being there and I downed a couple of shots or so with her. Last thing I really remember before waking up sprawled out on the piano next to Liz was singing karoake, Can I Get A by Jay-Z, on the bar.
What have I done!
Betty breaks down in tears.
Rath and Courtney come over and lead Betty off camera
[Alex gives him a go to hell look, then clears his throat and composes himself]
I've decided to move into directing.
MF: Already? Most actors act for years before trying directing - you know, pay their dues.
Ah, MF. Don't you know who my real father is? "Paying dues" means nothing to me! Now that I've jumped from the sinking ship that is Roswell, I feel that I must explore my directorial talents. And I'm using R/S to do it!
[Holds up a poster advertising an open casting call for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, directed by Alex Whitman]
MF: Shakespeare? Don't you think that's a little, I don't know, classic for this crowd?
Heh. Don't you worry your little self, Mr. MF. Just think about the competition for who will play our star-crossed lovers...
MF: So does this mean you actually are a lesbian then?
Well, do I have a choice? My dad taught me all about the bad things lesbians do last time he spoke to me, three years ago, so I know that what I did was lesbiany.
MF: Do you still have feelings for Max or Sean?
Nope. Lesbians like girls, not guys. Even though, I can't help but notice that Michael's been looking at me very strangely lately, like he is in love with me or something. I dunno, now that I look at him properly, that guys pecks, or lack thereof, are quite fine.
MF: Do I smell a love triangle with you, Betty and Michael coming on?
No, that's just Valenti's cooking, but you never know...
And then there's Betty...man, I thought I knew her. I really did. But then she goes and takes that bot's virginity? How would that work, anyw--wait, no, I don't wanna know. My head's just getting too crowded right now. I heard Tess could help me with that...
Max: Huh? Oh yeah. That. I miss Zan.
MF: Why? He was dirty.
Max: Yeah, but at least with him around I wouldn't feel so bad. The members of the other team don't like me, but I don't really know why. I mean, I didn't ASK to be king, I just came out this way. I didn't ASK for this body, it was genetically engineered. I didn't ASK for Kyle, he just happened. But whatever. If Zan were here, then they could spread their playa-hatin' over there too, and maybe I'd get a break.
MF: Is that all you do? Bitch and whine?
Max: Hey you know what? Fuck you too! I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of Kyle making fun of my emaciated body. We've been stuck out in the woods with no food for a fucking month dammit! I'm tired of Isabel calling me her fucking home. I'm tired of Tess's multiple personalities. I just want to relax! But I can't even go over to Porno's pub without hate stares from the rest of the patrons. You know what? Maybe I'll just ask Alex if he wants to go hang out in the woods for some time. Or JK. He's a complete fuck, but at least he doesn't make me feel like shit.
You know what? I'm done. Kyle and I are over. That guy thinks he can do no wrong. Arrogant fucking bastard. *stares directly into camera* Did you hear that?!! WE'RE THROUGH!
I vote Nicholas. I'm a way cooler villian than him, anyway.
Pierce
Hi,
I vote we give Nicholas the boot. I will not have him "comforting" my Kyle. I've got to get rid of all of Kyle's byfriends. You hear me? He's mine!
Tess
Get rid of Pierce. I've already claimed his tazer gun & I'll use it on him if I have to; he's not nearly as much fun as he used to be.
Betty
Vote for Pierce. �Cause I don�t think I�ve ever met him, and he certainly isn�t joining in the karoake down at Dad�s place.
Kyle
My vote is for Nicholas. I can't believe Lonnie has actually come onto him. That's so creepy. I mean screwing your brother is one thing, but a 14 year old is another story.
Isabel
Pierce. Dude, no one gets to slap Maxwell around except me.
Michael
Voting for Pierce.
Rath
My vote�s for Pierce.
Courtney
Vote for Nicholas. Pretty soon, this is gonna be no place for the kiddies! Go finish your homework!
Katims
I vote for Pierce. Ever since he lost his tazer he just sits around in the tent, and he's taking up space that we need.
Maria
Nicholas.
The Alex, Director
Peace out, Pierce.
Ava
Totals
Nicholas: 5
Pierce: 7
Farewell, Agent Pierce. You will be missed. Please feel free to post your final words and then join us in the R/S FF thread for fond memories. And bring your tazer. You and I will have some fun with that later.
Is she here?
MF: Who?
Lizbot.
MF: No.
Good. Ever since the other day, she's been following me around and calling me her girlfriend, which I am not. And Sean won't talk to me and Courtney keeps saying, 'How could you? I don't even know you anymore.' Plus Michael keeps glaring at me. And now I'm getting threats.
My life is falling apart!!!!!!!!!
MF: You know, that was Liz's line.
But my life really is falling apart. The producers made me give Pierce his tazer gun back. I loved that tazer gun!
off camera, Liz calls: "Betty? Come out, come out wherever you are! It's time for your tongue bath!"
Oh, no, I have to go. I have to hide.
If anybody out there knows where Eddie's whistle is, please, tell me! I need it! Desperately!
Betty runs off. Liz runs on
Liz: Have you seen Betty?
MF: Uh...who?
Liz: Betty, my girlfriend. She looks like Maria but she's not and she has an accent.
MF: Don't know her.
Liz: Damn! Well, gotta go. Liz runs off
MF: Damn, these people just keep getting weirder and weirder. You know, she runs pretty fast for a robot.
Monkey Fantastico: Welcome to the "Urethra Monologues." Tonight's special presentation monologue will be given by Raphael De La Ghetto who many have come to know as simply, �Rath.�
Welcome everyone to this session of the "The Urethra Monologues." Now, sit back as I attempt to share with all of yous just what my urethra means to me.
My urethra is the mouth of a river in which flows a liquid representative of all that is possible in this universe. Ever-changing, ever moving, non-stagnant in one direction and not the other.
My urethra is the sharp eye of a tiger prowling through the woods searching for its prey. It's claws outstreatched, ready to pounce its foes.
My urethra is the center of all life which may be both mother and father to a generation that will no longer fear the troubles of the world which I have faced alone.
A single tear runs down Ava�s cheek as she nods her head in agreement.
My urethra is a spoon which awaits a bowl of brown or white sugar, since I ain�t picky, into which I will plunge my troubles at the end of the day and devour them whole.
My urethra is the eye of a needle which can pierce the fabric of time and space into a dimension which no man or woman have ever looked upon. This dimension is ruled by a man named, "Joe Hackett" who owns and pilots an airplane with Nantucket air.
My urethra is a village in which children may play without fear of persecution for who they are.
Michael begins to sob.
My urethra is an umbrella under which many stand during the rain. Of course when it stops raining the put down their umbrellas so they may continue to look for that safe haven which so many of us look for.
My urethra is symbolic of a noodle from a bowl of pasta which refuses to be cooked in the boiling waters of the fires of oppression that we have suffered under.
My urethra is a giver sharing itself with any and all takers, sometimes three or four times a day if I pace myself.
Lonnie and Courtney hug one another.
My urethra is the true center of a solar system where planets do not orbit around a fixed axis which occasionally causes collisions with other planets, asteroids and debris which can result in a spectacular explosion of magnificent proportions.
My urethra a an oil rig which, when properly placed into warm, wet, fertile ground and pumped rhythmically will release an oily substance for all to enjoy.
Kyle looks longingly at Max.
My urethra is surrounded by a forest which many have traveled, sometimes three or four times a day -- if the "Spice Channel" unscrambles just enough so I can tell the difference between a breast and a knee.
My urethra is an elephant's trunk: long, strong and proud. Standing at attention when excited and gently swaying downward when saddened.
Mr. Monkey Fantastico smiles as he remembers better times.
But most importantly my urethra is a force of nature which no man or woman can tame with words or fists -- usually possessed by the very creatures which do not and can never know the power of the urethra.
My urethra!
My urethra!
My . . . "u."
Thank you.
The group of Roswell Survivors begin to snap their fingers as Liz tackles Rath and Michael falls on the ground in tears.
Monkey Fantastico: We here at Roswell Survivor would like to thank you, one and all, for coming -- hey, there could be a double meaning in that -- to see tonight�s session of the "Urethra Monologues."
Tess: We're out of Jello! There's no more to be eaten and the Jello pool is almost empty! This is horrible!
Porno: (heard off camera) Did you look in the shed out back?
Tess: Of course! (to camera) I'm in here trying to get things ready and all the others are outside listening to Rath talk about his penis! Believe me, it's nothing to write home about! Nothing like Simon's...I mean...ummm...what are we going to do about the Jello?
Camera #2: Have you searched the camp?
Tess: We've always kept it here. Then when the other camp came over they brought us theirs and added it to the overall supply.
Camera #2 Any other ideas?
Tess: Wait a minute!!!
Tess runs out of the Roadkill Room, the camera follows. She runs towards the campfire, where we hear Rath in the distance talking about his life giving source of power. Tess interrupts.
Tess: Rath, would you just shut the hell up! Everone, I have an announcement to make. We're...we're out of Jello!
Everyone gasps in horror
Alex: But what about the extra supply of it in the back of the Roadkill Room?
Tess: Gone!
Nicholas: What about the Jello pool?
Tess: That's almost empty too.
whispers are heard from the crowd
Tess: I thinks someone is hoarding the extra Jello. There was a lot more a few days ago. Someone must be hiding it in their tent!
Lonnie: Let's go get the son of a bitch that's stole the Jello!
Everyone jumps up to go look for the stolen Jello. People are seen scurrying about the camp looking for the real source of life for this camp.
Tess: (as everyone is searching the camp, Tess talks to the camera.) Look, I know it's only jello, but it's all we got out here. Without it, we have no Jello pool. It really is tragic if we don't find it. When the RdR camp came over...I don't think they ever brought their Jello to us. They said they would, but I never saw it. I think one of them has it. We'll just see.
More searching...
people looking in tents...
still searching...
Betty is seen slapping Liz, but that has nothing to do with the missing Jello.
More searching...
Finally, Alex runs up to Tess and whispers something in her ear.
Tess: Come on, camera #2. Let's go. They found the Jello.
The camera follows Tess to a tent.
Tess: Let's go inside. (inside) Oh my god! There are two whole boxes of it in here! This is by...this is by Kyle's stuff!! Kyle was hoarding the Jello?
Camera fades to commercial
*the conveniently appearing TV and VCR materialize and Maria pops in a tape*
Max is carrying two large boxes of green Jell-O into a tent. He can be heard saying, "He thinks that damn Jell-O pool is so great, hanging around in there with Michael and that freak Rath. I'll show him what happens if you dump the king." Just wait till I show this to everyone. Hey, where is everybody anyway?
Man, I�ve been having a blast. Since I left Max, I�ve just been so...free! We�ve been having these really killer karaoke marathons at my Dad�s place every night; it�s just wild. You get enough drinks into Nick, Latex and I, and suddenly we�re on the table tops singing �Bye, Bye, Bye,� with the motions and everything. Ava and Lonnie stick pretty much to the J-Lo songs, although they do some Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera, too. They sang that song from Moulin Rouge and it really brought the house down. Isabel�s been singing these really weepy love ballads; �I Can�t Live If Living Is Without You,� �I Don�t Wanna Live Without Your Love,� �All Out of Love;� just on and on with the Chicago and the Air Supply. Rath has a taste for 80s classics; he got up with Liz and taught her �Mr. Roboto,� which she really loved. Something�s going on with those two, lemme tell ya. Nicholas has a real talent for Show Tunes, which you�d never guess by looking at him. If he starts singing songs from �Pippin� you might as well send everybody home, �cause he�s gonna be up there all night. Maria is mostly into the Fiona Apple and Alanis Morrisette; things are still pretty messed up with her and Michael, I guess. It�s a shame, �cause she�s a really hot girl. I think I might ask her to my tent later. Although man, I�ve gotta admit, it�s just not the same with humans as it used to be. Once you go alien, it�s hard to go back. Lonnie and Ava have been asking me out for a while, so I think I might hook up with them this week, too. Dude, I could just watch those two together for hours.
MF: So...have you seen Max?
Damn. Max, Max, Max. Is that all anyone cares about around here? You wanna know about Senor Presedente? Last night, I was at the Roadkill singing �Rapper�s Delight� with Dad, Michael and Rath, and Max came in, wearing the same black t-shirt and black jeans and stick-up-his-ass expression as he�s worn for oh, the last two years. And so he sort of glares at me for a while, and then he gets up on stage and starts singing that Leann Rimes song, �How Do I Live,� looking at me the whole time. Man, he really knows how to bring down a room. So Courtney asks me if I wanna get out of there, so we head back to my tent. But when I get there, all my stuff�s gone. I�ll give you three guesses who probably took it, and the first two don�t count. Fucking stalker.
MF: So, what�s this I hear about Max framing you for Jello theft?
Isn�t that weird? Yeah, I don�t know what�s up with that. All of a sudden, people are scampering all around the camp crying about Jello, someone took some Jello. I�m like, �Big fucking deal; use your powers to turn that tree into Jello.� Then someone says they found some Jello by my stuff and I�m like, �Well if you found my stuff, could you please tell me where it is, �cause I�d love to know. And then Maria finds a tape of Max hauling Jello around and planting it by my stuff. So I guess he must have just been trying to piss me off, right?
*tap tap tap*
I mean, he can create Jello just by throwing his hand up, so why the hell would he steal Jello in the first place?
*tap tap tap tap tap*
MF: Dude, Kyle!
What?
MF:Look!
looks down; eyes widen
Holy shit! I�ve been mindwarped!
But why? Who would mindwarp me?!
MF: Think hard, Kyle. Think about Jello.
*flashes* Sudden realization.
Oh my God...it was Tess. Tess stole the Jello! She mindwarped us all into thinking it was Max!
Eyes fill with tears.
And she made me carry it!
sobs
Monkey Fantastico: Rath, what are you doing?
Grabs the Cameraman by his shirt.
I need some Jell-O fool! Gimmie' dat Jell-O or I'll cut you! I'll cut ya' to shreds with mah spoon!
MF: Rath! You're hurting me . . .
I know what you want! Just get me the Jell-O boy and I'll share it with you. Boy I can get you high on da' Jell-O! I'll get you so high that you won't nevah' come dauhn no more! You gonna' be with the birds up in da' sky and all of my ancestahs! We gonna' have our own party in da' stars!
MF: Rath! I'm going to go get the island doctor, let go of me!
Rath licks the cameraman's face.
Dat' don't taste like no Jell-O! Boy don't you know I need it! I can't live without it! I'm gettin' the shakes!
MF: You're not shaking.
Oh . . . Rath returns to normal. well then . . .
Rath begins to shake his leg.
Mama! Rath throws himself onto the ground and looks into the sky. Mama! I need ya' ta' send Raphael some Jell-O! Mama I been so good to ya! Please mama! Send me mah mah lovah, mah friend, mah Jell-O! Jell-O is my squeeze! Jell-O and I are datin'! I need da' Jello! Jell-O! You are my mastah! Command me to do your biddin'!
MF: Rath! It will be okay! I'm sure we'll get you some Jell-O pretty soon!
Really? Rath returns to normal and stands up straight. You promise?
MF: I promise Rath. Hey, I heard you sang karaoke with Kyle and Michael? Are you and Michael getting along now?
Yeah' and no. Rath sticks the spoon in his mouth. You see we've come to an agreement. He's one sexy mo-fo and so am I. We shouldn't be fighting. We should be taking advantage of this situation. Besides, now he's got da dark hair and I got da' blond hair. It's easy to tell the difference.
MF: That's nice, now what about Kyle and Max?
Max and Kyle? Never say those two names in da same sentence. I've been usin' my charms to comfort Kyle in his time of need so he'll quit cryin' at night about his Maxi-Millions! Sheesh! That boy wines worse than Liz!
MF: Well, thanks Rath. We'll get you some Jell-O soon.
I hope so! I'm waisting away.
Rath holds up his shirt and reveals his six pack.
MF: Great goin'! Starvation has done wonders for you.
Wait, I have an idea!
MF: Oh, no! What idea?
I'm gonna' use my, not too often heard of shapeshifting powers, ta' do somethin' about dis Jell-O mishap!
Rath ducks out of view of the camera and then pops back into view, only now he's no longer Rath, he's . . .
MF: Bill Cosby! Rath! You're Bill Cosby! You're imitating a television icon!
Well, dat's what I'm sayin' my main man! Hey! Point me in da' direction dat we last saw da' Jell-O and I'll deal with the culprit. Then, we'll all do a "Picture Page!" Hey! Rudy! Theo! Where are you? Get my slippers for me!
Hello, Monkey!
MF: My, you sure have changed your attitude since we last talked.
I just saw Bill Cosby!
That and I came up with a brilliant plan that didn't include me slapping Liz around but it happened anyway. That was an extra added bonus. This is what happened:
(Cut to footage from Jell-O search)
(Liz and Betty are searching in the woods.)
Liz: Betty?
What?
Liz: We need to talk.
About what?
Liz: Us.
Listen, there is no 'us,' just some sick sad delusion of yours caused by one incredibly nauseating drunken episode.
Liz: What are you talking about? You don't seem to be opening up to me anymore.
That's because I'm not. Never have.
Liz: Betty, is there someone else?
(Betty looks at Liz like she's crazy. Then the wheels start to turn in Betty's head and she smiles slyly. She turns to Liz and narrows her eyes at her)
Please. Besides, like you're on to talk. What's going on between you and Rath? Huh?
Liz: Uh, he and I are just friends! He helped us find each other!
Oh, okay. So since when do 'just friends' feed each other Jell-O alone in a tent? I mean, that's what I saw the other night.
(Liz's eyes widen)
Liz: It wasn't what it looked like! He's hooked on the Jell-O! I was just trying to help him. I was thinking about you the entire time! I swear, it didn't mean anything to me!
Oh, so, now I nothing to you? Is that it?
Liz: Huh?
You said you were thinking of me the whole time and it meant nothing, therefore suggesting that I mean nothing.
Liz: I didn't mean it like that! Betty, you have to believe me!
Well, I don't. (slap) How (slap) could (slap) you (slap) do (slap) this (slap) to (slap) me? I gave you some of the best insults of my life! And you threw it all away for some kinky Jell-O fun! I can't stand to look at you right now. Goodbye, Liz!
(Betty runs off, crying)
Liz: BETTY!!!!
(Liz looks after her for a few moments, frowning, before running off in the opposite direction)
MF: Wow, that was good stuff. You came up with that all by yourself?
Of course. I am a journalist. After that though, I'm considering going into screenwriting or something.
MF: Looks like you'll be able to go back to your old activities.
Yeah. I'll miss those tongue baths from the 'bot, though. She may be a big pile of scrap metal but she sure knows how to--
MF: We don't really need or want to hear that.
Oh, yeah, sorry. You know, I still haven't talked to Sean, what with his avoiding me and all. And then Courtney took Kyle back to the tent yesterday to comfort him and she didn't invite me! She didn't say anything to me!
(Betty saddens)
I'm gonna go to Natural Causes; drown my sorrows. Maybe see if I can find Brody or Jim. Maybe Maria and I could have a could cry together.
Night, Monkey.
(Betty walks away sadly)
MF: Poor thing. She's vulnerable; hope she doesn't do anything or anyone she wouldn't normally. Damn, I hope she doesn't run into Nicholas, especially not drunk. (into headset) "Yeah, we need an extra camera at Natural Causes. We got a depressed camper looking to get wasted. Only bad things and great ratings can come of it."
Romeo & Juliet
a play by William Shakespeare
directed by The Alex
Auditions to be held at Natural Causes beginning tonight! Hopefuls should prepare a monologue.
My husband lives, that Tybalt would have slain. And Tybalt is dead, that would have slain my husband. All this is comfort. Wherefore weep I then? Some word there was, worser than Tybalt's death, that murdered me. I would forget it fain, but oh, it presses to my memory, like damned guilty deeds to sinners' minds!
MF: Um, what was that?
Barbarian! Don't you know Shakespeare when you hear it? I'm trying out for Alex's play. I want to be Juliet. I think I have real potential as an actress, wouldn't you agree? And besides, it's not like I have much in the way of competition. There are only two other people trying out to be Juliet--Lonnie and Max. And let's face it. Lonnie couldn't act herself out of Max's ass. And Max says he won't accept the part unless Kyle will try out to be Romeo, which isn't going to happen anytime soon. I mean, Kyle's been getting drunk off his ass every night at Natural Causes, while Max sits in his tent reading the Sweet Valley High books he made from a bunch of condoms. Amateurs.
MF: Quite.
Jump cut to Michael huddled under a towel, shirt off, hair tousled and still damp. His eyes are filled with unshed tears, and his lips quiver with repressed emotion. He is staring intently at the camera.
MF: Um, you know, we've been sitting here ten minutes. If you don't have anything to say, we can pack it in and come back tomorrow. There's only so much SilentSufferingMichael our audience can stand before they stop thinking you're sexy and vulnerable and just conclude that, you know, you're pathetic and sad. Besides, I hear that Max is getting into his Pretty Pretty Princess costume for the Romeo and Juliet auditions, and we definitely don't want to miss a moment of that.
Well, I thought that maybe we could crawl into bed over here and you could comfort me . . .
MF: Yeah. For the record, that's just not going to happen.
Fine. What the fuck ever.
MF: What the hell happened to you, man? You used to be the coolest bad boy wannabe on this island. You had Maria in your tent at night, jello pool action with Courtney in the mornings, and wrestling practice with Kyle in the afternoons. I used to admire you! I used to look up to you! Now you're no better than, than . . .
Don't say it!
MF: . . . Max Evans.
Michael's face crumples in huge, gasping sobs.
Please, Monkey, you have to help me! This isn't me. It's a nightmare, and I can't escape. All I can do is stare at that, that, life sized metallic THING. And with doe-eyes! I don't even freakin' have doe eyes. More like big golden retriever eyes, or at least that's what Maria tells me. But last night, I was staring at HER again, couldn't drag my eyes away no matter how much my head was screaming at me that you could go blind this way, and friggin' Bambi comes up and starts nuzzling at my fingers. Dude, I'm not even kidding. I think it thought I was it's mother. Doe eyes! Michael is racked again by shudders, and huddles further under the towel.
This morning, I woke up with the urge to write that Commodore 64 Reject a love poem! I actually spent ten minutes trying to find a rhyme for "central processing unit." What the hell is up with that?
It's not even like I'm remotely attracted to her. And my body knows it, too. My power source is practically crawling back up my ass at the thought of getting near her. Talk about shrinkage. THIS is what I gave up Maria's lips for? Maria's legs? Maria's . . . well, let's just say the whole Maria package was pretty damn well put together. And we were on the verge of getting Betty to join us for some NakedJelloTwister when this all started, too. Can you imagine? Not just two women, but two MARIAS?!? I've been friggin' jacking off to that image for like, two seasons, and just when I'm about to win the Guinness Book of World Records prize for Luckiest Son of a Bitch Alive with the things I had planned for the two of them, this . . . disease infects me. I can't think of anything but Liz. Which means I'm goddamn miserable 24/7.
This is not living. It's like hell on earth. How the hell did Maxwell endure this life? Maybe I've underestimated him all this time. I'd go back to living with Hank in his trailer for the rest of my life if only this. would. end. Damn it, I wish I was dead!
Michael puts his head on an obviously uncomfortable Monkey Fantastico's shoulder and starts sobbing. Monkey frantically gestures for the cameraman. Soon, Random Crewmember leads Maria up to the scene. Her face softens as she sees Michael's pitiful state, and she gently leads Michael away. Michael is still whimpering and shaking, and as they walk off, Michael again mutters, "I'd rather be dead!"
Anyway, there's something really off with Michael lately. And now he's talking in his sleep, which he's never done before. Cut to Michael lying in a tent. He's sobbing in his sleep and muttering about evil robots taking over his brain.
Well, I'd better get back. If he wakes up, I don't want him to be scared. Maria turns to wake away, then starts running *Yelling offscreen* Get Liz away from him! What the hell is she doing in that tent?! Goddamn it, Courtney. Can't you stop giving Lonnie and Ava tongue baths and pay attention to Michael for one damn minute like I asked?!
Cameraman: Hey, what are you doing on the island? I thought you were voted off a while ago!
Who, me? Nah. I got saved by two votes. Well, I think. No one came to drag me out of the chasm, so I'm assuming I'm still in the game. *shrug* I'm still getting paid in fried rat and lotion.
Cameraman: Chasm? What chasm? And, wait, you're getting paid?
*pulls fried rat out of back pocket* Yeah, you want?
Cameraman: Thanks. Again, chasm? What chasm?
I was off wandering through the woods right after the merger in search of some action. Well, I hadn't learned the layout of the forest yet, and I had my sunglasses on. It got towards sunset, I forgot to take off my sunglasses, and I fell into this big long hole in the ground.
Cameraman: *under his breath* Retarded little teenybopper
Nicholas: Hey, watch it, Cameraboy! At any rate, I screamed and yelled but no one came to get me, so I got stuck.
Cameraman: You have powers, nimrod.
Wait, I do? That must have been a harder blow to the head than I thought... Hey, no calling me nimrod!
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a real treat this evening. You're going to love hearing this next performer, and even though she doesn't believe it, I love to listen to her too. Michael steps to the side and tries to hand Maria the microphone
Maria: I don't need that. Maria walks in front of the camera and a blackboard suddenly appears behind her Okay, here's what's been going on: After the merger of the tribes, things got a little confused for a couple of days. cut to tape of all twenty merging Survivors running around greeting one another, then hooking up, then disappearing in groups into the tents and woods
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: Do we have to see all this again?
Maria: Hey, who's in charge of exposition here? Shut the hell up, Monkey Boy.... Now, the first problem was the case of Liz's missing virginity; she was convinced that it was Laurie. cut to Liz running around handcuffed to Laurie
Second, Kyle and Max had a fight because Kyle was spending too much time in the Jell-O pool. cut to fight. Kyle bitch-slaps Max, then Max uses his super alien shoving powers to slam Kyle into a tree
Third, Rath called us all to a meeting and we found out that Betty took Liz's virginity. cut to meeting
Fourth, my handsome but badly groomed boyfriend, Space Boy here, has been in the middle of a total breakdown. cut to Michael's confessional meltdown, then Maria leading him away
The chalkboard disappears and Michael and Maria are sitting next to each other in front of the camera. Michael puts his arm around Maria's shoulder and pulls her head to his chest
Michael: We've figured out what's been going on, and I know who did it. I was mindwarped into breaking up with Maria, and then I was mindwarped into being attracted to the robot. Maria turns her face into Michael's chest, sobs, then faces the camera again
Maria: Last night I caught Liz sneaking into Michael's tent while I was here, and she confessed everything. cut to tape of Liz crying in a tent with Michael and Maria.
Liz: I can't do this anymore. My powers aren't strong enough to do the mindwarp anymore. I can't put my hands on my hips. I don't have the strength or flexibility to pull my knees in tight. I can't-- Maria slaps Liz across the face Okay, I'm all right now. Maria raises her hand again I said I'm all right! Liz starts sobbing I just couldn't let you take her from me!
Maria: What the fuck are you talking about, you lunatic!
Liz: Betty! You can't have her! She took my virginity and now she has to stay with me forever. You can't have her.
Michael: We don't want her.
Liz [breaking down completely]: But. she. won't. even. talk. to. me. anymore! She said. it's going. to. cost me. $7,000! to have lunch with her!
cut back to the confessional hut; M&M are rolling around on the floor, pulling each other's clothes off
Mr. MF: Are you done yet? Hey, I'm talking to you! Hey! Oh, screw this. I'm going over to Unnatural Causes for a drink.
I haven't slept.
MF: No shit.
What am I going to do monkey? She keeps pushing me away, I can't help it. I've tried to explain that she's my soulmate, and whatever we did that night happened for a reason, but she just doesn't listen.
MF: Why did you take it out on Michael and Maria?
Isn't it obvious? Maria is my best friend, and it's not fair that she has a partner and not me. She understands, I'm sure.
I dunno why I thought they would take Betsie away from me, I guess i'm just paranoid.
MF: Wait, why did you just call her Betsie?
It's a pet name.
MF: aah yes.
Have you got any idea how I could get Betsie to come back to me?
MF: Shut up, i'm trying to think. Ooh yeah, I have an idea!
MF wolf whistles, and Katims runs into view
MF: Oi, Katims. Do you think you could write a script or document or something saying Liz has shape-shifting powers as well as the mind-warping powers she has suddenly accuired?
Katims: That's stupid. The fans will never buy that.
MF: We'll give you money?
Katims: Sure, i'll do it.
Katims clicks his fingers and Liz is suddenly changed into.......George Cloony!
This is perfect, my Betsie won't be able to resist the power of the Cloon! Moahahahaha!!!
MF and Katims look at each other with unease. It seems they have created a monster...
MF: I hate to say this, but you two kinda made a cute couple.
I'm highly offended by that comment. Did you know that Liz has been mindwarping Michael? She thought that Maria and Michael were trying to take me from her. When will she realize that she never had me?
MF: Not until she's been reprogrammed or she gets a new script or something.
Dammit! And do you have any idea how annying it is when she calls me 'Betsie?' I really do not appreciate being called Betsie.
MF: You don't have a pet name for her?
Of course I do. It's That Damn Robot Girl.
MF: How sweet.
Sweet my ass. Oh, wait, sarcasm. Hey, is that George Clooney over there?
MF: Uh...looks like it.
You know, I loved him on the show Sisters. Never particularly cared for him on ER. Then again, I never cared for the show ER.
What do you suppose George is doing here anyway?
MF: Maybe you should go find out.
I think I will. Maybe see if he wants to go for drink at Natural Causes.
Betty walks off towards George/Liz
MF: Ah, young robot love. Wait until Betsie finds out the truth. Heads will roll.
Now that the mindwarp on Michael done by whoever was mindwarping Liz into thinking she was mindwarping Michael is over, I'm thinking of treating both Michael and Maria to a nice surprise for all the hardships they had to endure. So...
*pulls Betty into the view of the camera*
I know that hitting it with two Marias has been a dream of Michael's for quite some time now, so I thought I'd give him a chance to fully recover from his temporary unhealthy infatuation with the 16-year-old hunk of metal. I arranged a perfect evening with dinner, molecularily manipulated candles, jello, and a closet full of my favorite lace teddys, thongs, lingerie, and a collection of dominatrix outfits for Michael to select for both ladies.
Betty: Can I try the red number on now?
(to Betty) Sure, knock yourself out, babe.
*Betty ducks into the tent*
I even made sure there would be no interruptions. Liz has been programmed on a 24-hour loop where she basically goes around the camp interrogating everybody about the death of the field mouse I planted in her tent, and once one person tells her to "fuck off," she'll simply move on to the next. That way she won't be around to stalk Betty, so the three of them can have their fun.
MF: You've really thought this through.
Totally. I took care of everything. Let them have just one relaxing night before they can start busting their butts over who's mindwarping everyone.
MF: I never would've pegged you for someone who did these things.
Of course not. See, most people would look at me and think I was just a cheap, tawdry slut. But, like, there's so much more to me than that. I'm over 50, dammit! Just because I come in this hot, tight little body, it doesn't mean that's all there is. There's a nurturing side to me, too. And that side wants to see Mikey get his night of raw, wild, alien/human/40's chick sex. I think it's thoughtful, but I get, like, no respect. Now, if you'll excuse me, now that my clothes are being borrowed, I have to go find something to wear.
*A naked Courtney rises from the log and heads back to camp.*
*Mr. Monkey Fantastico panics and begins to run towards camp, but after only a few steps he trips over something large lying nearby. Monkey brings himself to his feet, slowly brushing off leaves and dirt, and hesitantly turns around to see what brought him to the ground. He gasps as he sees another body, also naked and dirty, lying face up with a dagger pierced through it's stomach.*
Mr. Monkey Fantasitico: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Dear GOD why?!
Lonnie: Shut up, parasite. Anyways, I gots to clear the air about sumthin'. Ya'll know there's a bitch hunt goin' on over who allowed Liz to mindwarp Michael.
Cameraman: Whoa, it was you that gave Liz mindwarping powers.
Lonnie: Whoa step back, monkey boy. I didn't give dat girl shit. The only girl I give anything to is Ava, and that's 'cuz she can shake dat thing like she's makin' da baby...if you know what I mean. Anyways, about a week ago I'm chillin' in my bungalo..
Cameraman: Wait, you have a bungalo?
Lonnie: Yo, you'd be surprised what Valenti can do with some palm fronds, mud and duct tape. Anyways, I'm chillin' listenin' to Chilliwack: Greatest Hits, and Ava comes running up to me...
(Flashback - Da Bungalo. Ava runs up to Lonnie, tears in her eyes, barely able to speak. She holds something up, Lonnie's eyes go wide. Ava finally speaks "Yo Lonnie, the WonderWand 5000 won't work anymore!!!" Lonnie starts screaming.)
Lonnie: I don't know if you've ever used the WonderWand, but it brings new meaning to the phrase "rock yo world". So we start panicking, we tried everything - double AA's, double CC's, DD's, even mugged the sound guy and stole his battery pack. Nuthin'. Den, I get's an idea. If we need to steal some power for our vibrator, why not just use some power from the walking vibrator we got on the island.
So, I grab some jumper cables and go to find Liz. She's like laying face down in the dirt. She tripped or something and decided to just nap where she was. Laurie had like chewed through the handcuffs at that point, so it was just me and the 'bot.
(Flashback - Lonnie hovers over Liz. She opens the hatch in the back, a strange green glow illuminating her face. She attaches the battery cables to the WonderWand, then starts to attach the other end to Liz. First, one cable. Then, the other. Liz's strange green glow begins to pulsate, getting brighter and brighter. Sparks start shooting from her back. A giant spark connects with Lonnie, sending her flying back into a tree...)
Lonnie: BOOM! Just like dat. I go flying. Ava woke me up a couple hours later...okay, her tongue did but I ain't complainin'. 'Cuz, you know, I got da 'Wand to work.
Cameraman: Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Hell that Michael and Maria have gone through is because you needed power for your vibrator!?!
Lonnie: Yo, like I said, until you've felt the WonderWand, you'll never understand the power of the WonderWand. I'm sure Maria will understand, in fact, me and Ava have arranged to give her a personal and up close demonstration.
Cameraman: Really? Can I watch?
Lonnie: In your dreams, monkey boy, in your dreams.
With all new stars! Mnemosyne as Michael! Liaso as Kyle! And lost 80s stars Jim J. Bullock and Gary Coleman as Themselves!
Television doesn't get better than this.
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On to next part - When We Lost Track Of The Rounds