We toured Europe, first as a support act and then, with our own show. Our tour sold out in record time in Germany and was a smash. All on the strength of three singles, no album. Lou toured with us, of course. Mom and Denise were chaperones, although AJ was 18 now and didn't really need a guardian. I was 16, and still underage, but Mom came for the glory of it. I was famous now and she got to bask in it. I couldn't begin to tell you how many deluded teenagers begged to pose for pictures with her, because she was my 'wonderful' mother. Since she was being a stage mom through and through, she pretty much turned a blind eye to anything I did. What I was doing was practically begging Lou for cocaine. He had to be careful with so many people around. And us guys were sharing rooms. I was usually with Brian. But Lou would still get me into his room or a bathroom somewhere. I would try not to hurry through the sex and get him mad, but I needed the drug in my system. I couldn't wait for it.

I learned at a party, after one of our successful shows, that I didn't need Lou for the drugs anymore. People found it quite amusing to give the young, cute one coke and watch him go nuts. Nice, huh? Gotta love the entertainment industry. I also found out that for the exchange of sexual favours, drugs could be had quite easily. On the tour of Germany, just before we went home to record our first album, I licked, sucked and fucked more people than you can imagine. I really went crazy. I lost my virginity on that tour. My true virginity. I mean, I did it with a woman. She worked for the record company in England, I think. She thought I was cute. My technique wasn't that great, but we were both high, so I don't think she cared. She got off and so did I, that was all that mattered.

On the last day of the tour, I partied pretty hard. Kevin found me in the morning, half on the bed, my pants around my ankles, woman's clothing and three or four used condoms tossed around the room. He came looking for me when I didn't show up for breakfast. "What the fuck is wrong with you Nick?" I mumbled something and he grabbed me up and dumped me in the tub. He turned on the shower, cold, and sat on the counter, staring at me. "What are you on?" I told him and I felt lower than a worm. The look on his face killed me, even in my drugged up stupor. I had disappointed him. "Who gave it to you?" I told him. I never should have told him.

When we got home, my family was amazed to learn that Lou had bought us a house. A huge house. It was in Ruskin, which was a little closer to Orlando and an easier commute. I learned later why Lou didn't want any of us around the Bandhouse anymore. You know why too. Nsync. But that's another story. He also bought me a drum set. I became fascinated with the drums over in Europe and was learning from our band's drummer how to play. I still have the drums. Somewhere. Anyway. I felt terribly guilty. No one else had got a house. Dad was so happy because we were all together again. I was too. I missed Aaron and my sisters something awful. Lou came to visit one night and when my parents had gone to put Aaron and Angel to bed, he told me why he had bought the house. "What else did you tell Kevin, you ungrateful bastard?" "What?" I didn't remember telling Kevin anything. "You told him I gave you the coke!" He threatened me. Threatened to cut me off. Threatened to kick me out of the group. I told him I wouldn't say anything else. That I would keep my mouth shut from now on.

We recorded the rest of the album in Orlando. Lou had taken away all of Kevin's leads and gave him stupid talking bits. One of his leads, "Nobody But You", stayed on the European release, but only because he had sung it over there and it was a popular tune. Brian was furious because Lou gave me a verse on "Quit Playing Games", which was his song. Lou argued that putting me on the song would make it more attractive to the listeners. I felt awful. I already had more magazine covers than the others, more fan mail, and now Lou was basically telling them he didn't think a song would sell without me singing a lead on it. What could I say to them? I know they resented me at that time. They probably will deny it. I know Brian will. But I truly had no say in it. It's not what I wanted. We were a group and I was just a part of that group. Lou got what he wanted and what he wanted was me out there, front and center.