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Open Your Heart
�The need for love and for connection to the community is not a luxury but a basic human need. It is as fundamental as eating, drinking, and sleeping. We ignore it at our own peril.� ~Dr. Dean Ornish
Sometimes in a LGBT person�s life, the little kindnesses of others make all the difference. Especially in families like my husband�s and mine, in which there has been occasional turmoil and even disassociation because of our sexual orientation and relationship, we rejoice when tiny lights appear in the clouds of pain and history.
Although my family has largely healed ye old gay breach, my socialized expectation of the worst magnifies the little sweet things my family does. My dad congratulating Mike on finishing his Masters degree, my mom and grandmother sending a card on our first wedding anniversary last year, my brother including me as groomsman and Mike as reader in his wedding, these are deeply affirming moments we treasure.
There�s no rule that says that families and friends can only affirm queer people by addressing their queerness (not that you do). Really, some of us reach the point where, like actors who always have to be �on,� we�re tired of being GLBT. Sometimes it seems that we are always LGBT first, and everything else second. We may weary of only being recognized for one trait and, like everybody else, want other kinds of recognition as well.
It�s normal to focus on the newest trait for a while�especially one like sexual orientation or gender identity that requires so much adjustment of expectations and understanding�but eventually the unconditional love of parents, families and friends blooms fully into a river of integral care.
Integral care recognizes the entire differentiation of the individual cared for, in this case, the LBTG friend or family member, and embraces and honors every element of the whole person. Real intimacy begins with nonjudgment and the ability to share your feelings with another person, but real intimacy also requires safe space. Integral care creates this safe space in relationships by demonstrating to the beloved individual that they are entirely welcome; they are wholly loved, not despite their sexual orientation or gender identity.
One can demonstrate integral care by consciously inquiring about a wide range of aspects of the other�s life, showing physical affection by casually touching, sending cards or making special calls to honor or celebrate events in their life (or just to say hi), and opening your own heart by sharing feelings and being vulnerable, and showing respect the other�s feelings by carefully listening to them without judgment. When you share your mistakes and secrets with another person, you form a powerful and intimate bond.
Particularly by opening your heart to your BLGT friend or family member, you begin modeling the behaviors of deep intimacy. You might also choose to model other behaviors that create deep community and intimacy, like volunteering for a good cause. Serving others helps one overcome feelings of isolation, and encouraging LGBT people to become volunteers through your example can help them to work through any residual feelings of alienation from straight society. Also, doing the work of deepening your own committed relationship�or preparing for a true partnership, as the case may be�and talking about your experience of that labor, can help witnesses to your labor create deep commitment in their own relationships.
At the end of our struggle for equality and justice, gender identity and sexual orientation will no longer matter. In the Beloved Community at the end of this road, people will be judged by the content of their character, not by whom they love or how they look. The parents, families and friends of TBLG people are best positioned to model that kind of care and equanimity, which helps create change in society and helps relationships with GLBT friends and family become deeply intimate and strong.
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