The vast space; the endless space...I hadn't bothered to look around it before. Her bed was on the bottom, covered in purple, like the princess she is. Her computer was next to the television, lit up with her flying stars screensaver. She hated the fact that there was no carpet in her dorm room because her roommate, Andrea, didn't want any. The mess in her room, scattered papers and notebooks, wasn't hers either and she hated that she had to trample all over it. She, however, loved that she could just escape down into the music lounge and practice or play on the good computers.
Have I happened to tell you she's a music therapy major?
I studied the guitar more closely while she was in the bathroom, having gotten it out to briefly practice as I called Zac back at the hotel later. It was a beautiful beginner's guitar, but it needed to be replaced soon because she was getting better. She had the Killers CD in her CD player, a show called 30 Minute Meals from Food Network on mute, and my heart in her hands.
"Blue Collar Comedy Tour" was already in the VCR.
My heart felt familiar in this unfamiliar place. As the glow settled over my skin, that familiar glow I had shared with so many girls before, it touched me as so outrageously different this time. Her hair was down, curving around her face and she smelled of pears, Her eyes were intently stuck on the screen. Her mouth was laughing along with the jokes that were being told.
And my eyes were stuck on her.
"I love Ron White," I heard her smile over to me and it was almost like this whole thing of stress never existed between us. The tragedy never happened. The love never dissipated.
"I love you..." Oh shit. I saw her look over, puzzled at first, but then turned back.
"I know you do."
"But why don't you love me anymore?" I just had to know why. I know she did, she told me. And I laughed in her face. I didn't think it could be possible, but I had fallen in love again. With the girl I barely knew...and had ruined it with.
She sighed and I saw the tears come to her eyes as she stopped the video, shedding the glow of the video and the blue light shone upon her face as a tear ran down her cheek, "Why do you have to do this to me?"
"I'm sorry..." my heart was bleeding. I knew I was meant to be with her. I just knew it in my heart. Why couldn't she let this go? I'm denying that this is a big deal I guess. She can't just throw it away like it never happened. I objectified her. I sold her out. I paraded her onto the world that she is a woman nothing like she really is. And I'm an asshole.
"Is that all you have to say?" her voice was louder than her mouth, "From the hell you put me through? Is that it? 'I'm sorry'?"
The tears were running more frantic as she cradled her face in her hands and all I could do was sit there. Pathetic and pray for her to stop. I wanted to hold her in my arms and whisper that it would be okay...that it would all be alright...
"Sarah..." I looked at her, my whole body quivering from the tears that would not dare surface. My heart is the one crying.
"If only..." she laughed after she said that and hummed a line to the chorus of our song of the same title, "Isaac...I have never been more humiliated in my life."
"I'll never do that to you again..." I got up slowly, not wanting to leave her cry alone...but I had an idea.
"Where are you going?" she asked quietly, her body closing in on itself, hugging her knees and looked up at me like a lost baby kitten.
"To rectify what I've done," and I walked out.
________________________________________
I have spent nights crying over that incident�and I spent another night doing the same.
On my birthday, I felt very alone. Without Clint, I didn't really have anybody. I spent time with my family. But I got something very special that pretty much set my mind about Isaac.
I'm in love with Aqualung now. I bought their CD today with the birthday money I got from some family today and I love it to bits. Especially "Strange and Beautiful". I feel like it describes me somehow. With Isaac that is�I feel like crying, because I'm listening to it right now.
He put a spell on me�
How did he do this? I don't get the indifference in my head. I should absolutely hate him for what he's done, and some of me kind of does, which is the tough part. Because the other part wants more than anything to forget everything, take him in my arms, and kiss him the way I did that night�the way I heard that I did.
He sang that song to me on the video. That's what he gave me for my birthday. A video apology.
It worked damnit! It's just so hard to put it behind me. I love him so much it hurts my heart to look into his eyes, knowing that he feels the same way. I'm afraid to tell him I feel the same. I haven't called since I've watched it�I'm too afraid he'll beg�
Flashback
The tape was in my hands, making my palms sweaty as the package lay on the floor next to me. My eyes moved to the television. The package was not addressed, but was left in front of my door. But a simple note was inside the envelope:
"These are my confessions; my heart is in your hands�so let it into your ears." I guess not every occasion requires your own poetry. I heard an Usher lyric in there.
As I popped it into the VCR, I started to wonder if this was all just a huge mistake. What exactly was this? Who was this from? Could this be that crazy guy with a knife I've heard has been running around? I popped it in anyway�I knew in my heart it was Isaac. I just didn't know what to expect�
Would it be heart wrenching? Would it be passionate? Would it be honest?
It was all of the above.
________________________________________
I sat in front of the camcorder, looking down at my hands, shaking slightly. It isn't this hard to do this�the hard part will actually be leaving it for her to find. I looked down at my hands.
"Dude�get over it, it's for the best," Zac was positioning the camera to focus.
"I can't do this," I got up suddenly, reaching for the pack of Salem's on the dresser of the hotel, knowing Zac smoked them.
"No," Tay snatched them quickly. Each of us had our own role sin this taping session; Tay was the backbone, the support, the encouragement; Zac was also the support, but he ran the video camera, I know he was too afraid to go to Sarah himself and tell her that I meant every word I was about to say because�well�he's closer to her than even I am and he doesn't want to hurt her at all, that's why he was also being the commentary in the background; and well�I'm the confessor. That's the way it's got to stay.
"Why not?" I sighed, looking at him pathetically. It's not like I smoked�I just don't know how I'm going to get through this with a sane head.
"'Cause you can't afford to puff your voice away!'" he imitated what Sarah had said to me one day in October. He laughed to himself as he turned away, flipping his hair out of his face, which I repeatedly told him is extremely girly, but I guess I would do it too if my hair were constantly in my face.
Zac started humming the chorus to "Breaking My Heart" by Aqualung as I looked over at him and questioned, "What are you singing?"
"Humming, smart ass," Zac took the cap off the camera and walked over to me, "You heard that band�bunch of girly crap, I tell you. But they're pretty good."
I determined right then that I would start listening to them if Zac considered them good. I sighed as I let my head fall into my hands. Damn woman�why does she have to tear me to little tiny bits?
It's just her that does this to me. I've been usually known not to let women get to me. Well�not this publicly, that is. I usually let the torment out in my lyrics, but I've never done something this extreme to get a girl to like me. Usually it stopped after she threw the roses on the ground and shut the door in my face. I think it might have been easier if Sarah would have done that to me. But she didn't. She disappeared. She only kept contact with Zac after the incident and was completely ashamed. Even though it wasn't her fault. And I don't blame her. I couldn't think of anything more degrading for a girl like her to go through, I honestly can't. I was so drunk that night I remember nothing but the pictures that were taken. I heard she cried for days. I heard that she told Zac she wished she had the courage to kill herself, even though she knew she could never do it. But what she didn't know�was what I was about to show her and tell her on the video.
I sat back down on the chair solemnly, looking towards the camera at Zac, pleading for an easier way to bear my soul. But I guess that's what bearing it is for.
I started the video with these words: "I fell�will you catch me?"
End Flashback
__________________________________
I pretended the video didn't exist for a couple days after. I moved out with his help without a word of the video spoken. One look at him and I could have cried my eyes out. I kept sneaking glances at his hands, because everybody knows how much in love with them I am, observing their perfect delicacy. He met my dad�that couldn't have gone less smooth than it did. I hope my dad wasn't drunk that day because I don't need to put up with two alcoholics full time.
I want to get to know Isaac better.
Seeing that video made me open my eyes to a lot of things. I really don't know Isaac as well as I should know him. There are many deep, hidden things inside that beautiful head and body of his. He was truly sorry about what he did to me. Even though he was an alcoholic, he was determined to get clean; he's just afraid of it getting loose. And he's seen 7 girls since we met. Seven different girls, all different backgrounds, even a prostitute, and none of them meant anything to him except to serve as a way to block the pain that was associated with me out. That video was like a private confessional I'm not even sure I should have viewed. The inner workings of a soul can have strange effects of breaking another person down to where they can give into anybody's demands. I don't think that was the intent, but I feel like I should truly be with Isaac.
But he, like me, has many demons to face before our destinies purely fuse.
It's been very warm, so once we got done with all that packing and the reign of my dad's scary judging of Isaac was over, I wanted nothing more than to lie in the grass and daydream with him. I think I told him that a long time ago when it was cold out. I used to whine about it a lot, because I feel I truly come alive in the springtime. The snow really used to put me to sleep for the longest time. It only made me more depressed because Pennsylvania weathers seem like they last forever, especially when the snow returns at the end of April.
"What are you doing?" I heard him ask, as I lay down on the grass, wild and uncut in the top yard at my house. I knew he had never seen my house before, and the way he was staring at it, he was fascinated to see what surprises it housed inside, but I wasn't quite ready to meet the stale summer just yet. I wanted to live in the warm air, feel it on my skin, and have him with me. I wouldn't dare tell him I feel for him, even though I think he has a clue I do.
"Enjoying the weather, come join me," as I saw him sitting down on the grass, tucking his hands underneath his knees as he bent them as he sat. He looked so unlike all those publicity shots I had seen before. His hair was kind of flat and where his Mohawk was formerly, it was hanging lightly on his forehead and over. It looked definitely a little sloppy as he pulled his wallet out of his khaki shorts pocket. I looked particularly at his Jimi Hendrix shirt, faded and worn. He was a picture in itself, staring at the house slightly below us, the grapevines covering the back of the house. The cars driving by on the busy road fascinated him, following them silently with his brown eyes. I've seen this beauty since the beginning and I almost broke down right there and told him that I'm sorry for even doubting him, but I can't afford to get rash right now.
He looked over at me then and I turned my head quickly, shyly, and cowardly, "Hey I saw you looking at me, I'm irresistible you know," he laughed slightly and I looked back at him gently, giggling myself.
"Sorry�it's like that white light, you know�you can't avoid it," I smiled gently and he looked down at me. There was not a cloud in the sky that day and I liked it that way.
"How does it feel to be back?" he asked, leaning back on the grass with his head propped up on his hands behind his head, looking at that cloudless sky.
"It feels really great, I've been so stressed out," I looked over at him again, not wanting to stare this time. Seems like we've almost forgotten about all this turmoil around us as the warm wind blew over our skin. I reached out and slightly brushed my fingers over the grass like strumming guitar strings, "Oh, I renamed my guitar."
"You did?" he looked over curiously, flipping his body over so his head was now propped on one elbow, "What did you change it to?"
"Monster," I smiled and laughed softly, burying my head in the grass and he started laughing too.
"Yeah, that case is definitely a monster," he smiled slightly, "You searchin' for bugs down there?"
I lifted my face out of the grass and smiled at him softly, "Yeah�I'm using them for onions in our road-kill stew."
He laughed a little louder this time, letting his hand gently rest on top of mine, not quite sure it was by accident or not and I looked up at him softly, my eyes studying his features. I knew my heart was flipping up and down, quite possibly doing splits too, and my eyes filled with tears that I would not dare not let fall on the grass. I felt a bee brush past my face, but it didn't even bother me. I'm allergic too. I was stuck inside his gaze.
And then�I heard him sing.
"I'm tongue-tied and waiting, hoping and praying, lying beside you, longing to touch you, but this feels like the end," I almost heard the piano behind the song as I remembered hearing it from the Aqualung record, "I'm so tired, we are drifting too far, eyes closed tightly, thinking there might be some way, but it feels like the end�" he closed his eyes gently as he reached deep inward for the high notes, almost reminding me of Taylor's voice, "What went wrong? I need to know, I can feel you're letting go�"
I helped him out, "Though there is so much to say, I'm tongue-tied�and waiting�"
He looked at me almost in surprise, licking his lips slightly as my eyes diverted to the dandelion seeds releasing themselves into the wind to swim free. He moved my chin up and looked purely into my eyes and I felt the tears fall.
"I didn't know you knew that," he referenced to the song and I wiped my tears away quickly before any more could slide out.
"Got the record on intuition," I smiled gently into the eyes that mirrored my own shade as I just realized that I would be getting grass stains on my "I Love New York" tee-shirt if I moved too much. I sighed softly as I realized I knew he had to go soon. I had offered him dinner, but I knew that wouldn't be possible because of my mom and grandma yelling at him. What a great impression to make on him, but they had their reasons.
"What's wrong?" he looked at me, almost forgetting I had cried a little.
"I don't want to leave this place," I petted the grass softly again, looking down at it and wondered if I was secretly like the grass, letting people walk all over me and never really look at it as anything more than surface complexion.
"I'm not wanted here," he sighed as well.
"I want you here," I looked back up in alarm, "It doesn't matter what they think."
He looked back up at me as he was tracing circles in the grass, probably daydreaming as well, "I'll talk to you later then. Don't worry�I know we can't resolve this yet�but so sayeth the Isaac," he laughed saying it, "We will fix this."
"It takes time," my hands rested themselves on my lap as I sat up and he followed suit as I heard a fire truck in the distance, "I saw the video."
"You did?" his eyes lit up like fire hitting a charcoal bed.
"You asked me a question," I tried to recollect, I had the tape buried in my luggage so I couldn't find it even if I tried, I wasn't ready to face it again yet, "At the end I think."
"'Is this worth all the pain?'" we both said at the same time.
"I told you it takes time�but I agree it's for the better�" I looked at him in sincerity, "It is worth the pain. We never had it great in the beginning, but I still believe it could be the greatest thing we've ever had. You've just got to give this time�"
There was the uncomfortable silence that I hoped would never happen between this golden boy and me; one that I longed to break. Even the cars seemed to stop just to hear what Isaac would say in return.
"I'm very scared," I continued, not being able to stand the silence, "So much it haunts me while I'm awake. But I still believe if I learn to forgive you in time for what you've done�I can say I love you and mean it. Because I'm not sure I can mean it right now."
Liar. You know you love him; you just can't trust him.
"Purely in the sense that I want to be able to trust you again�and what you've done technically will never go away, even though that's all I want."
"I know�" he stayed quiet. It was my turn to talk.
"But what you did that night completely dissolved every ounce of trust I could have had in you, regardless of whether we talked much or not. I don't want to ever be treated like that�ever�again�"
"And that is my promise," he looked at me, taking my hand and gently kissing it, looking at me to make sure it was safe. I silently nodded my head and I felt myself shaking, "I know you're scared�I know that part of me is absolutely inexcusable and shouldn't even exist, but I've never been that drunk in my life."
"So I've heard," I returned my hand down to my lap.
"I degraded you�I sold you to be something you're not�and the sad thing is, I let it happen and did nothing. I caused it."
My head hung from my neck as I remembered that night extremely vaguely. In due time, I will be able to speak about it freely as a bad memory. But the way he looked at me�just struck me deep. His eyes were what always got to me so deeply; his eyes had always had me spellbound. I wanted nothing but to cast this pain all away into a rocket ship, but I had one more thing to say before he had to leave. I saw him getting up because he doubted whether I was speaking anymore, but I grabbed his hand before he had the chance to walk down the hill, into his Jeep and out of my life for now, "Isaac, wait."
"I don't want to ruin your life anymore," he looked at me solemnly. I wasn't quite sure whether he was sad or acting stone cold and I felt my tears returning.
"I don't want you to either�but you need to give yourself that chance, please don't walk out of my life�"
His chin perked slightly and he bent over, leaving a delicate kiss on my mouth and finished walking down the hill silently, without a word of goodbye.
Damn�now I forgot what I was going to say.
______________________________________
Good Lord, what have I done now?
"Want to grab me another pack of Salem's? I seem to have had them squished by my douche-bag brother," Zac smirked at me slightly.
"Yeah, I'll grab you a pack the next time I go out," I looked over at him, "So...when is Sarah paying you a visit?"
"We're going to Kennywood, want to come with?" Zac smiled, opening up the Internet browser on his laptop, probably checking his G-mail account. Another one from Cecily, I bet.
I've been avoiding Sarah since I kissed her. I couldn't hold it back. Now I made things even more confusing for us. I think she was about to break through to something huge, and I messed it all up with my damn testosterone. I almost punched my nuts out after I was a couple miles away. I've been dreaming of nothing but being her lover, but I knew it had to take time...and then I go and do something like that, completely ruining all my possible chances.
At least I got one thing out of it...she saw the video. She even answered my question. It is worth it.
But how?
