Walking down the streets I can hear her voice. Her voice is distinctive, yet I clearly know she is not here. She has a unique face that I know has really changed little over years. Or so I've heard. It hurt me so much that Zac was her best friend and not me. I didn't even know how she felt about me. I kept hearing blurs out of her mouth that day. All I truly knew was that the pain was worth it. The stabbing pain was truly worth it somehow. She also thought this could be great.
What is this? This is turmoil.
Can't she see that my heart is ready to be served, devoured, and even ripped apart? That's what happening really. It's nothing I can fix now. It seems like I'm two different people inside, acting so outrageously out of my norm that people cannot recognize me anymore. I can pine away like a lovesick man on acid, yet I can get ready for my date tonight, which is what I'm doing. Having to act like Sarah means nothing to me and keep going out in this sham is what I plan to keep doing until this pain is all over.
Lucidity is my friend tonight.
I straightened out my tie and resisted the urge to take another swig of the Jim Beam on the counter. Checking my Mohawk out in the mirror, I also fought the urge to throw the Jim Beam bottle into the mirror and ending this misery of living without her. But I had to meet Lila in fifteen minutes and I couldn't afford to open old wounds. I was still struggling with myself after all that's happened within the last couple months. Scarlett didn't laugh at the scars...hopefully Lila won't either.
"Wait..." Zac stopped me before I walked out of the room. Cecily was sitting in the other room, smiling lightly and waved at me. She looked slightly disheveled and her lipstick was smeared off her lips greatly. They've been dating for about three months I think, I don't remember.
"What? I'm going to be late at this rate," I looked at him, scrunching my shoes into the soft carpet. Shag; the new bur bur.
"Didn't you want to hear how Kennywood went?" Zac asked curiously, being followed by Cecily, "I can give you a brief synopsis."
"Go ahead, quick," I started pacing around the room, admiring the fine dark cherry wood of the dresser while I looked down at my feet.
"Cecie and Sarah seemed to get along really well," Zac smiled softly as he took a seat on the bed, "We went on a bunch of thrill rides...Sarah's a real thrill ride person, remember?"
"Yeah I do," I choked back tears, trying to push Lila back into my mind.
"Pitt Fall, Phantom's Revenge, every one except the Thunderbolt," he ran his fingers through his hair, still relishing that day that I wasn't there, "Especially the Aero 360 and that one that span upside down, I forget the name," he laughed, "Sarah wasn't too keen with games like Cecie and I were, so I gave her one of those big blow-up bats to make up for neglecting her and having her go on the swings by herself."
"Is that all? I care not to hear about her anymore," I sighed, letting my head drop into my hands briefly as I tried to push her out of my mind.
"Okay, Mr. Anal Retentive," Zac headed to the adjacent door to rejoin Cecily in the bedroom, doing who knows what, "Forgive me for talking about my best friend."
"I forgive you," I looked at him with a bitter and jealous set of eyes.
"She told me to tell you something," he smiled in the doorway, Cecily wrapping her thin arms around his waist.
"And what did she say?" I got up and grabbed my suit jacket, a dark silver/blue color that seemed to fit my personality well.
"She misses you."
_______________________________________
No contact whatsoever�what a man. And just to think that I might have had the courage to forgive him and maybe start truly feeling for him again without being afraid of something happening.
"Sarah�come with us, you've been moping over that worthless Isaac all weekend, you've barely spent time with us," my mother looked at me gently as I sat solemnly at the dinner table, picking at my steak that I had smothered in Worchershire sauce without knowing. I had told Mom the whole story, to my disadvantage, and I almost regretted it. Isaac has been helping me a lot and the way Gram and her stared at him, like inspecting a piece of rotten meat, really had hurt me badly.
"He's not worthless, Mom," I was still fighting her on this turf, "He knows what he did was wrong�and he's trying to better himself. He's not like Dad." That automatically struck a chord with Mom and she almost clammed up�almost, "I know he's not your dad�and I know you like him a lot�I just want to look out for you, considering what he's done to you."
"I know�do you know I'm still struggling with that demon?" tears came to my eyes at the mere mention of that calamity, "But it's been 6 months�"
"I know it has, hunny, I'm just trying to look out for you."
"I need to look out for myself now," I looked at her as I took a bite of my quite flavored steak and stabbed at my baked potato afterwards, "I got through it�isn't that the strong thing to do?"
"Yes�has he stopped drinking?" I don't know why she was acting so concerned about him; at least what I thought, she absolutely hated his guts for what he's done. That's the only reason she hates him.
"I don't know what he plans to do�can you imagine how hard it must be for an alcoholic?" even though she had gone through so much, it was easier for me to be empathetic in some ways. She definitely has been through a lot in her life, battling cancer 5 different times along with complications surrounding it. I really did admire her a lot when she was going through all this pain and I've always wanted to be there for her.
"It is quite an addiction," she started to put a thoughtful look on her face, almost like she was trying to be empathetic to the guy I really like, "I can't imagine how hard it would be because I've never been addicted to alcohol that deeply."
I suddenly got up from the table, looking around strangely. I already knew I was done with my dinner; ever since the beginning of the conversation I had lost my appetite. I stared outside the window finally, wanting more than anything for Isaac's Jeep to pull into the driveway and I could burst through the walls, almost like gaining super powers and rush to his side, escaping from this wretched reality and everything would be mended. Then again, magic found an amazing way of avoiding me. The only magic I've ever had in my life is Isaac, and what a trick he pulled on me.
I thought he actually might love me�what man would kiss a woman and not talk to her?
"He's not a bad person�" I looked at my mom suddenly, "He just made a mistake." Maybe I was on the road to forgiveness; I didn't know. All I knew was that I loved Isaac and longed to be with him.
"Sarah," my mother got up from her chair, determined to save her baby from making a huge mistake, "Don't get rash on me�or yourself as a matter of fact. You barely know anything about him. Why are you acting so irrationally?"
I know I was thinking of what she was saying to me. I barely knew Isaac at all. But I felt it. If you feel it in your heart, it's not right to ignore it, right? At least I thought it was semi-genuine.
Suddenly, I had the amorous desire to lie down. The pain was increasing in my stomach. Dragging myself upstairs, I laid down. I was getting physically ill. I thought about what my mother had to say to me. I didn't care if I was being irrational or not. All I knew that the pain was swooping over my head and I closed my head, hoping my cramps would go away. Hours passed and I just lay there, crying about Isaac and letting the pain settle inside me, hoping it would divert my attention to something more useful than that.
Why did this happen?
This always happens when I'm out of school; I completely lose my straight frame of mind. I work much better in a stressful environment. Don't ask; I don't get it myself. The stress with Isaac gave me something to think about, something to focus on. Now all I feel is massive confusion and I would do anything to clear this haze away.
Damn him.
_____________________________________
"So what do you do on your time off?"
I sighed again; she was like every other girl I had dated in the past. I'd rather drink cyanide than deal with a date like this again. The only reason that I'm still here is because she brought her daughter along. So tacky.
"Mostly writing...I really don't have to work that much, but it's nice to see what's going on...I would like to do some volunteer work in the meantime as well."
"Want some volunteer work? You can watch Kelsey here," she laughed. She was rather attractive for an older woman; I tended to attract that type I guess. Her dark reddish hair flipped up lightly, framing her bony-shaped face. It looked like she got it recently cut for this dinner. She had already explained to me that she was a single mother working 2 jobs; this was one of her rare moments and I don't exactly remember meeting her in the first place...
I nodded in agreement gently as my mind drifted back to easier times...
Flashback
"Good lord, try to get everyone in the shot," I smiled softly. Sarah had dragged us to this strange little town about a half hour away from her house. Mom wanted to get a shot of the whole family in front of the town hall. The meeting was a little shaky, but Mom and Dad really seemed to like Sarah a lot.
Mom told me she thought she was different. She was outgoing, she was determined, she was outspoken yet shy enough to not be completely bossy all the time, but above all, Mom said, she was very humble about what she's been through and what she's done during her 19-� years. The only thing that didn't settle with me very well was that she said it seemed like she didn't have enough fun. I don't know her horribly well since the time we met in the emergency room, she had grown closer to Zac really, but yet we were here, my whole family, meeting her.
It was the first time I really noticed her as a person other than the girl who worked at Delallo's making sandwiches. She didn't like to keep her hair down very much, but her hair was pretty today. It had auburn highlights with dark brown roots, obviously dyed. She wasn't like the girls my brothers usually hung out with; she was chunky around the middle with a nice butt and large breasts, but had a beautiful round face. She wasn't a knockout beauty that I usually had seen before, but she had an outstanding personality and that's what made her beautiful. I didn't know a whole lot about her, but Zac bragged about her after their meetings. So I was eager to get to know her a little bit better.
At the moment, my family was gathered around her, my dad to her left and Taylor to her right, Mack leaning on his knees in front of her. Taylor had Ezra in his arms and was still sad that Natalie had been called back because of a family emergency. He was struggling to hold Ezra still and Sarah laid a gentle hand on his head.
"Ez�be good for Daddy�" Sarah smiled warmly at him.
"You're not mommy�I don't listen to you!" he looked at her sternly with a slight scowl on his face.
Without a moment's hesitation, she replied, "But Mommy would want you to look handsome for her on the picture."
Ez put on a thoughtful face for a moment, and then turned straight toward the camera and yelled at me, "Okay, Uncle Ike! Take it!"
Everybody suddenly burst out laughing at what he had said and Mom silently smiled in approval of Sarah. It was almost as if she fit into the family. But she was as bright as a beacon in difference with my fair-haired family with her very essence�and her dark hair and dark eyes. That's when I first saw it.
She was the beacon. She was whom I saw in the dream.
I don't even know how I knew it, but somehow�I just knew. I stared at her through my lens, watching her laugh as she positioned herself beside my brother and Ezra, her hair flying around her face that framed her smile as well. I saw that rainbow-ish aura surrounding her through the lens and it was almost like I couldn't leave it. It was calling me. She just looked beautiful and I knew she belonged in the family�she just belonged.
"Ike, come on, are you ogling the thing?" Zac yelled over, hugging Sarah from behind and I secretly envied him. Zac and Sarah had gotten very close over the last couple weeks. The chilly late October air was hitting the last of my neck and it felt good to breathe the fresh air. It was almost like we stepped into another world coming to this town, something reminiscent of the 1950's; all the shops closed around 5 PM every evening, people were really friendly like they didn't have a care in the world, and the town itself looked like a Thomas Kinkade jigsaw puzzle.
"I'm coming�just one more second," I smiled softly as I tried to find the perfect spot to run to once I set the timer on the camera. There was an open gap between Dad and Sarah that I could probably fit in comfortably. Once I set the camera, I quickly ran over to that spot, smiling quickly and I placed my hand gently on the small of Sarah's back silently, hoping she wouldn't gasp.
She did�but she recovered right before the flash. That picture is now on my Mom's mantle.
She shyly shied away from my hand as soon as the picture was over and I tried to keep my cool. We really haven't talked so much, but I was so eager to get to know her at that moment for some reason.
"Hey Steps!" I heard Zac call over to her and she went to hear what he had to say. He called her Steps because her last name was Stairs. How original, Zac. I found myself silently envying the attention he was giving her. She was laughing while she was biting into some chocolate covered espresso beans, holding a raspberry truffle in her other hand while her tall coffee, loaded with half-and-half and sugar sat on the table and I thought of our song "Underneath".
I overheard them chatting on the little couch in the caf� as she said softly, "Don't tell Isaac�but I think he's cute."
"I think I shall," Zac started to get up and Sarah forcefully grabbed his arm as I took a sip of my black coffee. No need to mask the flavor for me; bring it on.
"No! He's too cool to talk to me anyway," I heard her say through her teeth as she looked at me shyly and quickly turned her face back to Zac, who was giving her the surprised look, like 'how can you think a thing like that about my brother?' "I just�I just think he's a really talented writer and I've never been able to really talk to a guitar player�my friend Ben has probably been the one exception to the rule."
"Just cause he's a guitar player?" he looked at me strangely, "Why? Don't tell me you're discriminating over our great man, Ike, just because he's a guitar player!" he raised his hand and I raised my chin slightly looking over at him and his antics, "Come here my good man and join the lady and I over our ground coffee plant drinks."
I sighed, shaking my head at Zac and got up from my seat, holding my coffee like it would leak out of the sides. The heat pouring out of the sip hole was swirling around my face as I took a seat between Zac and Sarah.
"Get away from my woman!" Zac laughed softly, putting an arm around me and I smiled coyly to Sarah. Needless to say, she blushed in return.
"Don't try to hog her," I wrapped my arms protectively around her and put my head on her shoulder. Feeling her tense up under me, looking at me like I just sprouted devil horns, I released my hold on her and smiled at her warmly, "She can be my friend, too."
I saw her sigh softly as she looked out the window at the passers-by as we quietly sipped our coffee together. By the time my coffee was finished, I noticed that Zac had left the couch, leaving just Sarah and I there to talk things through�or just to leave us alone so I could learn to lust over her. Either or, that could be Zac's goal.
Lust over her I definitely learned quickly. It was strange at first; she didn't talk to me. I guess she wasn't kidding�it seemed like it was so easy to talk to Zac or Tay, but with me�it was a little bit different. She would answer my random questions, but only when I asked first. She kept watching the leaves fall off the trees, dancing around in the air until they decided to dive onto the dying grass, completely lost in that outside world. As I munched on my biscotti, I wondered how I could get her attention.
"So�" I said quietly as I saw her still sipping her coffee and we had to leave the coffee shop because it was about to close.
She turned towards me quietly smiling in my direction, that warm, captivating smile that had taken my family prisoner, "Yeah?"
"This is a hell of a town you brought us to," I smiled softly towards her as we started walking around the town circle together, the crickets making their symphonic sounds around us.
"Isn't it great?" she smiled as she looked up at the dark sky above, not even caring as she felt a fat rain drop fall on her shoulder, flicking it off quickly, "Nice to escape to sometimes."
I nodded in agreement as we decided to sit in the deserted gazebo in the center, "Would you mind if I gave you a ride home?"
"No," she turned to me, her eyes shining from the streetlights. There weren't many cars passing by that night and she scooted gently closer to me, showing the confidence she would definitely show me later, "I don't mind."
I was intimidated at this point, but I smiled at her as the soft raindrops turned into a steady downpour as the minutes ticked by. I tried to think of what to say in return. If there's anything I hate, it's silence. Even though the sound of the rain excited me as well.
"I'd like to do this again�" she got up from her seat and I followed, knowing we had to run through the rain to the car. It wasn't too bad; we didn't get too wet running. But the way that the rain clung to her hair made her even prettier to me. I loved her face, round and gentle, nurturing as well, made me just pay attention to her.
"I would too�when do you want me to bring up the family again?" I asked quietly as we put the seatbelts on in my Jeep. She was still looking around it curiously�I guess she's never been in a Jeep before. Weird.
"No�just us," she smiled softly, "You probably heard what I was saying before�it's true you know."
"About liking me?" I asked softly back to her as I felt the heat rising off her cheeks.
"Yeah�that too�" she paused lightly as I pulled out and we went out on the highway. She waited to answer for that long, "I really am shy around guitarists."
"Is that so?" my eyes were glued to the road. If my eyes were to be stuck on her, I would cause an accident, even though the cars were on the road like litter in a city park.
"Yeah�I've had crushes on guitarists before and I haven't been able to talk to them once�well�maybe once, but that's it. I've always thought I wasn't interesting or talented enough."
"What about this Ben that you spoke of earlier? You're talking to him."
"Only because I'm doing a presentation for music therapy with him," she admitted finally. So that's what she does.
"Ah�so you're a music therapy major, I was wondering what you did in music."
"You knew I did music? Did Zac tell you?" she turned her head to the side, interested.
"Yeah, he told me you did music�but Mrs. D told me first."
"Oh, Mrs. D!" she exclaimed softly and laughed to herself, "Don't mind her, she's a sweetheart."
She seemed more interested now that I brought up music and was more at ease with me in the car. It involved more talking�and a date in early November�but right then, the sound of her humming is all I could have asked for to ease my soul.
End Flashback
It was almost like I had forgotten at one point we actually got along...it came back to me like a long lost relative. I looked at Lila questioningly now with Kelsey. I felt horrible for leaving them, but it was the end of dinner and I had picked up the tab. I did explain that I had a pleasant date, but I had to convince Sarah that we could be like that again. We could be happy again.
Suddenly I bumped into a young woman, literally, and knocked her clear off her feet, her purse flying around her and knocking her in the face. Whack.
"Sorry ma'am, let me help you up," I helped the petite woman to her feet. These were the kind of women that I used to date, the ones that could easily be abducted with one tug of the arm...
As a matter of fact, this was a girl I used to date. My eyes went back into focus as she was fixing her long red hair back into its long ponytail and she acted nonchalant as I said in shock, "Denisia?"
"Huh?" she looked dazed as she looked up and placed her hand over her mouth, "Isaac?"
_______________________________________
God I need some water�
Shedding these pounds should be my sole concern and it sucks so bad that I can't focus on it. I took my belly in my hands and yelled at it as I looked down at myself sickly. I knew I had gained the belly during this last year and it had never been this big before. I know I'm not kidding when I say I need to lose weight. I know I weigh a lot more than those teeny little girls you see in Self-magazine or more specific�Vogue. I could probably do Plus-size modeling�if I were a plus size. I'm one of those awkward sizes, you know? I can't find freaking anything in juniors, unless they have 15's and it's hard for me to find women's sizes too, especially in jeans.
Argh�I hate this body so bad.
It could also be from the depression that I let myself sink into this semester because of what happened on Isaac's birthday. Unspeakable as of right now, however, I cannot tell anyone. I barely even told my mother what happened. What she saw was enough to condemn me as the imperfect child forever. It wasn't even my fault; I was forced into that whole shenanigan.
Okay, calm down�
I'm actually meeting with friends today, so unlike me really. It's not like I'm an antisocial person, it's just that I prefer my space and I see my friends every single day all the time at school. But I think it will be nice for me to get together with some friends. It will take my mind off this crap.
Waiting by the phone, I sat impatiently for my friends to call me to pick me up. We were going to Dino's, which is typical of my friends to do, but this time we had a big group of people. I know for a fact that Dan and Meredith, Amanda, Kristine and her boyfriend Luke, Andrea and Denise, Stephanie, Bethany, Jimmy, Christie, and a couple others that I didn't know. Some more might show up; Jimmy's just a popular person.
About an hour and a half passed and I wondered why I wasn't enjoying myself. When the wings came, mine hot with bleu cheese, I started munching absentmindedly on my wings, dipping them in the bleu cheese. Everyone was a lot louder than me�I just wasn't into it today for some reason. Jimmy was, as usual, talking to everyone, Christie was sipping on a Smirnoff, Dan and Meredith were talking, Dan constantly talking about what he would play for a wedding on the organ, Kristine and Luke were in their own little world dreaming of marriage probably, Amanda was putting input in with Dan and Meredith's conversation, Stephanie, Bethany, and Denise and Andrea were all talking together, and it was like I was in my own little realm. Dreaming away, I finished my dinner and decided to take a little walk into the Super-Wal-Mart below Dino's. My mind drifted to Isaac. It was funny too, because he actually called me after dinner on the ride home�but I had to call him back because my roommates wouldn't stop talking on the ride home and smoking cigarettes. Disgusting.
"Sorry about that Isaac�" I said once I got on the porch. Sitting on the worn bench outside, I listened close to what he had to say.
"Stars are falling around me," he started to speak this really weird poetry to me through the phone and my face half scrunched up in disgust that he was trying to win me over with words and half thoughtful, thinking 'dang�I wish I would have written that first'.
"What?"
"Like meteors to the ground, tears are falling straight down me, soaking deep in with no sound�"
"New song?" I inquired curiously.
"Started it today actually, but that's not why I called�"
"Figured not," I smirked slightly, "Why then? You haven't called me in 2 weeks."
The line was silent for a while and he finally spoke, "I know."
"What kept you?" I acted nonchalant, like it really didn't bother me.
And he just hung up.
