I've been hanging on by a loose thread. Since I met Denisia again on the streets in Pittsburgh to the time I hung up on Sarah, it's been a hard week. Listening to the sounds echoing off the walls of the hotel room, my headphones were on, my eyes were full of tears, and my mind was clouded like the skies outside. I don't know why I was doing this to myself; I was already involved with Denisia way more than I wanted to be and now I had to bump into her again. I resisted the urge to reach for a cigarette at the bedside as I got up and put on my boxers, trying to get to the landing outside without waking Denisia up.
Yes...I slept with her.
Her lovely hair was strewn over the pillow as her blue eyes remained shut. I pulled up my jeans and slipped on a tee shirt as I stood on the balcony. Forgetting about Sarah is on my agenda. Don't ask me why because I really don't know why I want to forget her. I don't want to really, I just feel like it'll be good for my sanity if I do.
Looking out onto the horizon, seeing the sun shining through the curtains, I imagined her. Denisia, I know, is just another one-night stand...which I am accustomed to by now ever since Scarlett. I am emptied of inspiration, beckoning to be reborn. I long for her arms to wrap around my torso and declare her true love for me...and I long for my mind to come to its senses and see that I truly love her back.
She is the poison that keeps me alive.
But it's killing me slowly at the same time. Is that an oxymoron? The love that I feel for her flows through my veins and helps me live further into the future. I'm lucky that my legs don't grow their own minds and carry me to her right now.
If only I could know...if only I could know we would be okay in the end...
_____________________________________
My heart is beckoning for an answer.
I looked down at the pad in front of me and decided to write more of what Isaac had started. By now, my knuckles were sprouting intense crimson cuts and my fingertips were about to turn raw, but I had to get this all out. This was the only way to properly express my pain to even myself. My tears hit Monster and the intense splash they made on the surface would cause tidal waves to the micro life.
Since the day he hung up on me, I've been extremely out of it. My hair was very unkempt and oily pulled back in its lonely ponytail. I was longing for an answer and maybe a chance to rectify the past doing and to make it forgettable�but it didn't seem like he wanted that. The delicate balance of our relationship would hold on by a loose thread once again.
I need a simpler life.
My head feels like it's stuck in the sand. I can't find an answer to anything. I'm ready to confront. I'm ready to lay myself on the line. I'm ready to fight for what makes me happy. Isaac makes me happy. I know he does. I need to fight for him, no matter what he's done. What I feel cannot let fate ruin it for us. I need to change fate.
You know what I need to do even more? Forget he exists.
As I pressed play on my new the Bravery CD, I'd forgotten how long I had been sitting here. It could have been days, it could have been weeks, and I don't think I noticed otherwise. I knew once in a while I would leave to go to my job, which was terror. I also knew once in a while, I had to go to the bathroom or eat, but my pad would follow me whenever I need be at the moment. Friends have been calling me for weeks, but I have refused to go see them. I looked down at the words, miniscule they may be, that lay on the notebook below me.
"I am torn."
I spoke them out loud and cried again. I cried into the pillows beneath my head. I cried as I watched my new Family Guy box set. I cried as I thought about my mother getting another surgery within the week. I cried as I felt like I was losing something so great because of my stupid stubborn streak. I cried as I realized I could lose him�for real. I also cried because he would not let himself go to be with me.
"Sarah?" I suddenly heard and I screamed as I turned around abruptly, scared out of my wits.
"Oh god Cecily," I looked up, quickly brushing the tears away from my face, "How did you-"
"Why haven't you answered any of my calls?" she looked at me firmly. This is, seriously, the first time I have seen her look so serious. Her hair was pulled up in a tight ponytail with her curly blonde hair sticking out at all sides of it. She was in a pair of jean shorts and a silky dark pink top. For God's sakes, this girl can never be serious about anything. She wears a freaking condom package on her necklace. How can I take her seriously? "2 weeks, Steps, 2 weeks!"
"How did you know where I live?" I asked curiously, looking at her and getting out of bed.
"I've been here before, or don't you remember? We picked you up here one day to go out to...uh I forget the name now�uh�KENNYWOOD!" she yelled at me and I was slightly taken-aback.
This had to be serious if Cecily was acting like a mother.
I would do anything right now for the music to surround me. I got up and stopped the Bravery CD, whatever track it was on, and dreamed of listening to Coldplay. Their music felt like a swirling inferno of brilliance. Kind of like Isaac makes me feel�
"Are you listening to me?" she turned me around abruptly by grabbing me by the shoulders and yanking me around harshly. I was still shocked that Cecily had shown up in the first place, "We've all been worried sick about you. Where have you been? We've even been wondering if you've been alive."
I must have pressed the button to one of my favorite songs that I would leave on repeat, "Fix You". As I listened to the lyrics pass my ears on through and Cecily looked at me intently with those big blue eyes, I looked back and answered, "I'm fine�living. Is that enough?"
"No, we want you to be happy�"
"Who's we? You and your boy toy? Or is it actually someone I give a shit about?"
Cecily looked hurt as she turned away, "I won't take that seriously. That's the bitterness talking."
"Any bitterness from my other half?"
"Yes�he's very bitter�"
"How do you know?"
"He doesn't talk that much�but I know things," she turned back around as we both sat down on my bed, feeling the blue glow from my television soak us in the warm summer air, "I know that he misses you, and he just won't admit it to anybody. I know that he's trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol and women."
"Not a surprise," I sighed softly as I looked down. Monster was lying, neglected, on the side of the bed, about to fall off, but I didn't care, "That's what he does best. Runs away. Kind of like somebody else in my life."
"I think he's afraid to admit he really needs you in his life�after Amber, he's never really been able to commit�"
"Amber?" I looked at her curiously, "Amber, his first girlfriend, Amber?"
"Yes, his first girlfriend Amber," Cecily sighed, like I didn't know anything. Isaac had never spoken about Amber to me. Zac was the one that told me about Amber.
Amber just so happened to be the first girl Isaac ever got serious with�and he was still friends with her. The whole band was friends with her. She was one of the kindest girls they had ever met. That was probably why Isaac never committed to anybody else�because in a way, he was still committed to her. Zac told me they would go out once in a while, but she was married now�so Isaac was torn to steal her away from her husband once in a while, but would never do it. It would hurt Amber, and Amber was really good to him.
"I know the story about Amber�" I sighed as I heard the phone ringing and looked around strangely, like I had just woken up from a frightening dream. Quickly, picking it up, I answered, "Hello?" and listened to what the person on the other line had to say.
After a couple minutes, Cecily looked at me, puzzled in her expression, "Who was that?"
"My mother�" I sighed a heavy sigh and looked at her, "Along with Isaac, she is another sorrow in my life�have I told you she has cancer again?"
_____________________________________
Nobody tells you in the midst of a traumatic situation that the world doesn't stop around you. The world doesn't stop to help you. The world doesn't stop spinning and reach out its hands to guide you in the correct direction to make things better. The world doesn't let you know that it will be okay by sending the help magically when you need it. As a matter of fact, some of the world encourages you to make things worse in your time of need.
I was looking into Amber's eyes, wondering if I should tell her about Sarah. I have never spoken a word about Sarah to Amber and I was wondering how she would react. But she was one of my closest friends, and sooner or later, she would be able to read me like an obviously stupid question on an elementary math test.
"What is it?" she looked at me, extremely irritated. I think her and Rich had a fight. Richard Simon worked on the crew for our tour...I'm pretty sure he did lighting, that's how Amber cheated on me. The only girl that ever cheated on me...and she's still my friend. How ironic, huh?
I looked at her seriously, knowing she was ticked at me for taking her away from Rich...and her own job on the lighting crew, "This is important."
"No shit, why else would you drag me up here?"
I laughed to myself out loud and she gave me what I call "the bitch glare", the one that wouldn't tolerate any crap from anyone.
"Isaac, get to the fucking point. What the hell is going on?"
"No need for all the profanity, sugar," I joked around and she still stared at me uncomfortably sternly. I swallowed my tongue and continued, "I wanted to get some advice."
"As in what area? How stupid you are, or perhaps...how stupid you are?" her blonde hair was flipped over her shoulders because she just took it down from her working ponytail. She was obviously getting frustrated...and I wanted to keep her around as long as I could. Don't worry, I'm not attracted to her or anything...it's just nice to have somebody who won't put up with your crap when you don't need the sympathy.
"I've had this little problem...I haven't been feeling like myself lately..."
I didn't need to say anymore, "You're in love, aren't you?"
Having to deny it, I stared at her directly in the eyes and said the wrong thing, "Yes."
"I don't think you've ever truly been in love with anybody...so of course it would make you feel weird," she pulled out a cigarette out of her purse and lit it up in front of me, something that Zac would find very comforting right now, "Cause you're the guitar hard ass. Something as foreign as love could feel like...like trying Gorgonzola cheese for the first time. You might not like it...but after time acquire a taste for it."
"Strange analogy to make, but...what should I do about it?"
"Well it's not like you chose to love this...person. Wait...it's not a guy is it?" she put on a disgusted face. She's anti-gay. Wow...who would have thought such a sweet girl could be such a homophobe.
"No, it's a woman," I looked at her like she couldn't be serious. You've got to be kidding me; why would I go for a guy?
"Good," she took a long drag from her cigarette, shuddering at the thought of it being a man, "What have you done to completely fuck it up?"
"What makes you think I did something to fuck it up, Amber? It could have been her fault."
"From what I know about you now, it's your god damn fault. You used to be such a nice kid...but now you've just fucked yourself over. Why, Isaac? Why?"
"Urgh," I sighed, "We're not going through this again, are we?"
"I just want to know what you did."
"And how do you think I did something?"
"You pretty much just admitted it...love really doesn't have any problems unless one person in the relationship thinks of themselves too much and makes the other person nuts...so...what did you do?"
I sighed softly as I reached under the bed in the bunk of the bus and tossed the thick document on the table in front of us. I couldn't sit down as Amber watched what unfolded on the still frames below. Walking around the hallway, reaching for a Mike's Hard Lemonade in the fridge...I didn't even have time to pop it open before Amber slapped my hand, not letting her eyes divert from what she was reading, "Don't you dare...fucker."
Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open as she read further. I put the Mike's back on the shelf. I couldn't get offended at her...no matter how much pain she caused me. And for some magical reason, she always managed to get me to put the booze away. Don't ask how...the first girlfriend always has magical powers.
"Stop!" I heard her yell forcefully. She had this power over me that I couldn't describe; I just had to listen. It reminded me of Sarah, even though Amber and her were barely alike. She walked up slowly to me, pushing her hair behind her shoulders, immediately brushing it forward again, her boots weighing heavily on the floor beneath her, "How?"
"How what?"
"How could you do this?!?" she yelled, throwing down the magazine in disgust, "How could...I can't believe it..."
"I don't know," I couldn't answer with any other response because I truly did not know why I did what I had done on my birthday. It was like I was possessed by some other person and they looked exactly like me. But I looked at the photos and article, which I carried everywhere with me, and I didn't recognize myself.
"You don't know..." she started reading the first sentence in the article, "'Corruption, drug-dealing, and seduction appear to be a specialty the public has not seemed to pick up on since Isaac Hanson has entered the music scene in 1997 with their first big-time hit "MMMBop". Now 23, Isaac seems to have acquired a taste for the extreme and dangerous.' Isaac...you could have been in serious trouble for this."
"I was," I looked at her solemnly as I stared down at the pictures below me. She just rejoined the tour; she didn't know the hell that occurred to me after that night. That crazy night...
"Well...why don't you fucking explain it to me before I read about it some more from a stupid magazine?" her eyes seemed to be turning red in front of me. I couldn't bear to lose her as a friend...
so I sat down...and I told her everything.
________________________________________
I hope things look up pretty soon�because things couldn't get bleaker.
The beacon of light has evaporated from my life�I thought I saw it once, but it disappeared before I even had the chance to comprehend it. I've always made Isaac to be crazy when he said he saw the aura of his soul mate. I'm pretty sure that strange dream I had months ago was him too�especially after the incident. And the first time I saw the house of colors.
Flashback
Christmas time�it's supposed to be a splendid holiday. The lights are all in bloom, sprouting their festive colors. You can feel the magic in the air�
But all I feel is the cold.
I shivered as the phone rang. I have been very cold lately. My heart has been cold as the rest of my body was. Pennsylvania was known for its brutal winters, but this winter was worse. I was torn. This winter would not be the same. I was not as innocent as I was years ago. I've always lived to breathe the magic of the holiday in�
And all I breathed in was sharp when I heard my brand new cell phone ring.
"Hello?" I asked bitterly into the phone, sitting out on the gazebo, wishing that something would go right for once.
From the words that passed on the other line, I could barely believe my ears were actually working. I cried hot tears that seemed to warm my soul temporarily and prayed this would be the hope I had been searching for.
I saw the headlights burn my eyes and made the snow on the ground glitter and dance as I rushed out, tracking fresh temporary imprints on the winter powder. My smile was fake, my heart was breaking, and I hope to God he would be a friend.
"Zac�" I looked at him gently, shaking off my boots before I shut the door to his S.U.V. he rented and fixed my hair lightly in his mirror. I loved it brown�long and brown.
"Sarah�" he looked at me with brown eyes of concern, "Are you okay?"
"That's a stupid question," I looked at him sharply. He tried not to pay attention to my apparent anger and inner pain as he backed out of the driveway and sped off onto the dark roads of the winter night.
"I know you're not okay, that's a stupid question�" he replied, still driving on, and our conversation became monotonous, "I'm taking you to see him."
"No," I said firmly in reply.
"Why?"
"Just cause."
"I know he's a douche-bag for what he did, but you guys need to reconcile."
"Zac�" I looked at him, wondering why he didn't understand, "How can you be so sympathetic to that uncaring monster?"
"He's my brother�no matter what, I'm still going to love him," he sighed softly, letting his head slip lightly but never taking his eyes off the road, "That doesn't mean that I completely wiped out what he did. Everybody can be an idiot."
"Yeah, an idiot for a day," I sighed softly, "I�I never thought he could be like that."
"Neither could I�but I have to tell you something."
"I don't want to hear about him," I stuck my arms up in protest.
"He's trying to get clean."
"Is he now?" I looked over questioningly. We remained quiet for most of the ride before I asked, "How long did he go?"
"To rehab?" he asked.
"Yes�rehab."
"3 weeks�can you imagine how bad this would be for him? Think about it in his eyes, Sarah�you're famous and you have a problem like that, the paparazzi are going to hound you until you go to rehab and go crazy�I just never knew it was going to be Ike, I thought it was going to be me."
I looked over softly, not even commenting on the short-lived rehab visit. That's not even enough time to really admit you have a problem let alone work on it. We pulled in front of this old dingy house I imagined their management set up for them to practice in peace. I know they had all been hounded after the incident so they had to be out of the light for a while�especially Isaac. The building was opposite my mood. At least it was warm. It had an inviting atmosphere. The walls were almost a chartreuse green merging into a darker green and had a bunch of couches, video games strewn everywhere, along with random papers�it was like their sanctuary. There needs to be a pink room, then maybe I'd think about escaping there too.
What am I talking about? I hate Isaac!
"We've started painting every room a different color�just if we're in a different inspirational mood," he looked around, taking off his boots and I shortly followed.
I noticed now that there were drawings of cartoons, like the ones I saw on their video from their garage in Tulsa, attacking trees and other wildlife drawn on the walls and painted as such. There was a large flower on the other wall. There was no way the guys could have painted that. Must be the work of one of the women.
"Oh, did you know that Nat is pregnant?" Zac smiled as I gave Natalie a hug. I only met her once, but she was very nice to me.
"So you have another little one on the way?" I looked at her softly. She was starting to get far along�she looked around 7 months to me.
"Yep�a girl," she smiled playfully and held her stomach, "Sadly, I can't paint�I can't even be there while they're painting, I would love to see the progress."
"Don't worry�I'll paint a room for you guys," I smiled genuinely for the first time in weeks. It was as if nothing happened. Nothing bad had happened. It had been wiped off the face of the Earth.
"Let me give you the grand tour, stranger," I smiled as the warm eyes of Taylor embraced me, along with his tall stature and his strong arms. I breathed in his musky smell that was mixed with the faint smell of Old Spice and I remembered the times we all spent together as friends. I didn't dare ask where Isaac was, so I just let them show me around the house.
The house was like a work of art. It was 3 floors high and had that cozy feel that it had been lived in for months, even though they just finished painting it all. They spent days just painting the rooms for this�they started it after Isaac's birthday and then furnished it with odds and ends that all matched the theme�even contrasting it.
The kitchen, the room I entered the house through, wasn't quite done yet, but sitting in front of the walls were buckets of paint and tarp all over the ground, "This will be the Lightning Room."
"The Lightning Room?" I questioned softly, looking around, seeing Zac follow me closely in the room, still shivering from the bitter cold and muttering, "I'm still not used to how cold it gets here�"
"It's going to be yellow-" Tay started.
"And here's where the lightning bolt is going!" Zac slapped a space in the wall open with his hands where the lightning bolt would go in the future. I smiled softly; they're putting a lot of thought into this house already.
"We want it to be a retro 70's style kitchen�we're buying lots of furniture and an old 70's style stove like Rachael Ray has�" Tay smiled.
"Ooohh�like on '30 Minute Meals'! That looks awesome!" I looked back with an equal smile, "How do you guys have the money for this?"
"Sales�stuff we've been keeping around for a rainy day," Tay replied.
"Plus Tay is gay and loves designing," Zac laughed behind him. If looks could kill�Zac would be a puddle of skin on the ground.
Next we passed through a room that was vivid orange with a large painting of a lighthouse in the one corner. It was simply furnished with a lightly stained wooden table and nothing more. The Lighthouse was a simple, elegant room�that I personally wasn't very fond of.
The next room, the one I already entered through, was the Jungle�littered with lots of trees and even a strange monkey that Zac had drawn himself. All the casual furniture in this room was different shades of brown and green, even splashes of red in there as well.
The first bathroom, so they claimed which is so like me as well, as well as the other bathroom upstairs, is The Cove, centered around a beach theme. It even reminisced the scent of the actual beach�which is what I want in my own house.
As we passed onto the first bedroom, it was a bright red like blood. It scared me�mostly because the red wasn't toned down very much. There was a large set of bunk beds in the corner and all the contrasting furniture in this room was a bright white or black, like the leather couch in the corner of the room.
"Meet the Anger Management room�" Zac smiled proudly, "This is where I sleep."
"How can you sleep in a room like this?" I was shocked at all the bright red accents in the room as well.
"Easily�shut my eyes," Zac laughed and I couldn't help but laugh in return, "Tay sleeps in here sometimes too when Nat's not here�"
"Where does he sleep any other day?" I asked as we were going upstairs and smiled as we walked down the hallway and opened up the doors to one of the bedrooms.
"They sleep in the Fortress of the Fairies," I peered inside and I instantly fell in love. I heard their song "Crazy/Beautiful" coming from down the hallway and I closed my eyes, starting to hum it to myself. The Fortress of the Fairies looked like a night sky scene deep in the woods. There were tiny little white dots all around the room with a yellow glow painted around them, looking like fairies themselves.
And then he just totally had to break the mood, "This is where they have SEX!" he yelled and Tay could have smacked him so hard his eyes would have popped out of his head. Zac was laughing and I was stifling a giggle as well as he finally heard the sound in the distance.
"That must be Ike�he's been tinkering around�and he says Crazy/Beautiful inspires him," Zac said casually, but I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to hear a word about Isaac.
He quickly showed me the progress of the upstairs bathroom, which would be similar to the bottom one, called the Beachside Resort, except it would be a deeper blue.
I was starting to get into my curious sense, starting to turn another doorknob slightly down the hallway and Zac quickly shut the door behind me, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you."
"Why not?" I asked curiously like I was 5 years old, wanting all the answers.
"That's Isaac's room�the Black Hole�trust me�he told me he didn't want to paint, but when I forced him to�he painted it black�told me he felt the same way the room did," Zac sighed quietly.
I looked around, blinking tears away from my eyes, thinking of Isaac again and what had happened just a month ago. Damn him�why do males when they do something wrong immediately turn into assholes?
As we approached the next door, I heard giggling inside the door and I saw Zac open the door to what looked like a princess' palace. It was littered with pink and purple trim, the walls a brilliant pink shade and I had to laugh as one of the girls in the room was talking to someone on the phone.
"Sarah�Beth, my girlfriend�Beth�Sarah, my friend, say hi, Beth," Zac called in and whispered, "This is where the girls stay when they come up in the future. Avery always wanted a princess room, and now she's got it."
"Hi," I heard Beth quickly say as she turned back around to face the wall and Zac shut the door behind her.
"And the studio�the last room on the tour, the Treasure Chest," Zac smiled as the door opened and my eyes were flooded with the brilliant shine of golden walls, capturing my senses. I don't know what it was about those walls, but they drew me into the room and further. I felt Zac's hold on my arm, but I ignored it as I saw this figure in the distance, just sitting there. It looked torn and broken, but it was protecting itself with a sort of shield.
A guitar�it held sanctuary in a guitar�
The glow swallowed me whole as I walked closer, leaning down. I noticed the person's head was down, looking down at the guitar and as I looked down at the guitar as well, it had thin clear streaks clinging their way to the floor. The person was crying and I lifted their chin to see their eyes�I knew there was some way I could heal them�
It was Isaac�
End Flashback
"Have you ever seen the house?" I asked Cecily curiously as she looked at me in question.
"House�oh you mean the nut house down the road?" she laughed. I knew they built the house right down the road from where I lived�which I found very odd. I would find myself walking there from time to time; it was that close, to revel in the good times that I spent there. But what no one knew�was that I had a sanctuary.
"Want to go back?" I asked gently and the next thing we knew, Cecily and I were walking towards the house. It was like walking back in time; I hadn't been there for a while and it was rather crazy just walking back in. Everything was collecting dust and there were a few scattered cobwebs around The Jungle. I had helped them paint the Lightning Bolt room, so it looked like a spark plug.
"I've got something to show you�" I smiled softly as I've never shown anyone the Sanctuary. The Sanctuary is the room I kept to myself�I stumbled on it one day in January by accident and claimed it as my own. The guys didn't even know about it, "Let's go to the Sanctuary room."
"I don't see anything," she said as she walked down the bare hallway and there was no door in front of her. The wall had been wallpapered this strange flowery wallpaper that kind of scared me.
"Secret room," I laughed as I gently peeled back the paper where there was a section of the door just wide enough for a hand to open it and I swung the door hidden to look like wall open wide�
to reveal my sanctuary. It ended up being mostly white for one reason only�it's the only room that really didn't get painted. I spackled some pink and green on it to be trendy, but what mostly lived in this room were my poems, most of my CD's and pictures strewn all over the wall.
"Are these pictures�of you and the guys?" Cecily stepped up curiously to the wall and stared at the pictures in awe.
"Yeah�most of them," I looked at the copy of everybody at the Fright Fest visit to Kennywood�there were even some of Isaac and me together, but only a spare few. Our arms were wrapped around each other and we were both smiling. Amazing that we were actually like that, huh? I'm pretty sure I remember what day that was too, it wasn't the day I hosted his family up in Ligonier�that was a couple days afterwards when he took me to Pepperwood Grille�our first date. We dated the whole week before the incident occurred. Seeing the pictures made me cry and I felt the tears surfacing.
"Wow�" I saw her come across the ones of Isaac and I together and I looked towards her, "You guys were actually happy together once?"
"Yes�hard to believe, huh?" I looked at her softly, knowing I would break down any moment. I saw this strange note in the middle of the carpet, just lying by itself. I don't remember leaving any papers in here�
I opened it up curiously, forgetting Cecily was in the room with me and gasped as I saw the only words on the paper:
I love you...no matter what. � Isaac
