Chapter 12: I Can't Tell You From The Drugs

All I want is everything
Everything that I'll ever be
All I want is everything
Everyone's that's coming for me
Nothing happens and everything has changed
All I want is everything to stay the same - The Bravery "Give In"



Looking solemnly out of the window, it was like the sky was crying my tears for me. It is July. I have not spoken to Sarah for around a month. It is almost the fourth of July...as I looked at the clock, I corrected myself. It was the fourth of July. I still felt numb from everything. How ironic what the day is really.

I need independence from the pain.

Amber was sitting across from me at the table, Tay next to her, Natalie next to him, Zac next to her, and Cecily next to him. They were making some sort of circle around me and their eyes were peering at me like I was the weakest gazelle in the herd.

Finally, Natalie spoke up, "We need to have a group intervention."

I peered at them like they had sprouted eyes where their noses should have been and sighed softly, "Do we have to do this?"

"Yes..." I'm not sure it was wise for Taylor to be speaking right now. He was holding Penelope in his arms and was a proud father once again...shouldn't you be off with your children?

"Why?"

Their eyes were like fire as Cecily spoke up, "You know what the fuck is up. You're messed up."

"We dumped out all the alcohol," Tay looked at me and I could have almost rung his neck...except that he was holding Penelope.

"And she found the brilliant note you left in the Sanctuary room," Cecily threw the note angrily across the table at me, almost giving me a paper cut.

I cannot believe I left that note...I was even shocked there was a room there to begin with.

"I know I was wrong to invade Sarah's space...but that is our house, we bought it-"

"'You're entitled to invade somebody's personal property if it's on your real estate', yadda yadda yadda...I've heard the bullshit before," Amber looked me in the eyes, "You know...it's sickened me what you've done with your life. It really tears me how you plan to ruin Sarah's, and I won't fucking let you."

"How dare you say that I plan to ruin her life!" I felt it all bubbling up, like the great climax of a brilliant novel, "Fuck you!"

My eyes opened abruptly and my head felt like it was spinning. Everything was going so damn fast...I saw the woman again above my head, hovering and laughing at me as I closed my eyes again, "Oh my god it was a dream..."

I moaned softly as the walls of the bunk were my salvation. I felt the sides of them just to see that they were real. It felt like everything that had occurred within the last couple months was a horrible nightmare and now I was waking up from it with a hell of a hangover. The speed of the light was flashing into my eyes as I heard the radio abruptly turn on, screaming loud. Screaming into my ears. It kept getting louder and louder. "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay never sounded worse.

Damn my head hurts...I need a pick-me up.

It was strange...the bus seemed abandoned today. I got up slowly, making sure to grab onto my head and not conk it on any more metal cause that kills. I went to look in the fridge to get some cereal in the morning and I looked at the Smirnoff in the fridge...empty. That's strange...I remember having some of that left.

Paying no mind to it, turning the volume down on the radio, I went to eat my cereal by myself. Picking up my cell phone, I looked to see if there were any messages from the guys. Obviously they weren't here or they were out for a morning brunch without me and just let me sleep...it puzzled me.

Then I looked up, just to gather the serenity of being alone and single...to find my bottle of Jim Beam is completely empty. As is the other 3 bottles on the top shelf. Oh I started freaking out.

And I noticed that my phone actually did have messages too. This was getting weirder and weirder. I read them...various 'fuck you back' 's and 'I can't believe what a rotten person you've become'...nothing new. But one of them was from my brother...which was really odd.

My eyes caught sight of a paper cut on my hand...fuck...that wasn't a dream. That was real.

And my eyes caught sight of something else too. Sarah. Standing in the doorway of the bus. God...let this be the end.

_____________________________________

They were surfacing quicker than the speed of sound�I couldn't back down now�this was immensely frightening to me as well as him as I looked back at him. My shoes were covered with mud and rain and I was completely drenched to the bone. The other guys were waiting inside the house�it seemed to rain when I was heading towards the bus. The earth was about to crack under my feet when we would finally meet.

The drama needs to end�but this will not be the end of the drama.

"Hey," he said softly, like nothing had happened between us. His hair was spiky automatically, like it was stuck that way. Those brown eyes still haunted me in my dreams�especially the time I saw him in the Treasure Chest�the same vision I saw in October before I even met him had come true.

My mouth hung open, like I couldn't believe he had just said hello to me. I know I looked different from the last time I saw him�I have changed really. My body had grown to a size I don't prefer (let's just say�I'm full figured for real) and my hair was wavy and longer now�I have a bad habit of pulling it up all the time instead of leaving it down like I used to. I wondered if I looked like a freak in his eyes, "Hey�I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" he asked. I knew I shouldn't be sorry for what he had done�I was sorry for what I was going to do to him.

"Isaac�why do you love me?" I questioned with slight doubt in my tone. I didn't know if he loved me anymore or not. The video had answered a lot of questions for me about his status with women�and the status I held. I don't know if I was still in his life or if I was the bottom rung. The video made things very clear�yet very clouded.

I was coming to an epiphany�I could feel it in my bones. I didn't even know what an epiphany exactly was when I was feeling it, but it was swelling in my chest until my brain comprehended it.

I don't know why Isaac loved/loves me�but now I truly realized why I love him. How could I have not noticed it?

I was sent to him to set things right in his life�and to be his savior of a sort. I would save him.

I heard the Coldplay disc change tracks to "A Message" and I felt my mouth singing my words. Singing slightly, letting my tears fall loosely from my eyes, I felt the words coming from my heart to the man that I truly loved�oh how you've caused me pain�and I know how much you're going to hate me after I do this to you. The lyrics poured out of my lips, my eyes shut and I felt Isaac's breathing from across the bus hall. I felt his every move closer to me, like he was almost afraid that I would break in front of him. I'm about to�

He stepped closer, his breath over my head as I felt dizzy with sadness and desire to hold him and tell him everything would eventually be alright. Things don't have immediate happy endings�as will this tragedy.

"Oh Isaac�" I opened my eyes, my tears still streaming down my pale face. We were such different people on parallel paths. Who would have thought something parallel like this could make two people like us collide like this? We're both dying�and now�we both need a chance to heal.

He suddenly lifted me into the air, which I was surprised because I'm not the skinny girl he wants, slightly off my feet for a couple seconds, and then set me back down, looked into my eyes and just gave me a deep hug. Wrapping his arms around me like he was swallowing me whole. Absorbing every ounce of my pain so that he shared it in his own skin. At this gesture, more tears were released from my eyes, soaking into his shirt. Reality disappeared as I discarded the article of paper in my hand and held onto him for my life before I would lose him for longer.

Oh�I shall miss you�

_____________________________________

I hope she never leaves.

Her beauty, ravishing and pure, was not dare tainted by the rain outside the bus windows and as I held her, I would rather not be in any place. It was so good to see her again...it was almost as if everything I had done to forget her didn't exist...she was the only one, she is the only one. She's the one, she's the one, she's the one...

My soul mate is in my arms. I don't have to convince myself of that anymore.

I couldn't lose her touch. I couldn't lose it now...I felt lower than I had ever felt in my life, but when I was with her it was like I was lifted into the sky.

Oh god my sorrows are lifting from my body...if only I would have known what was in store in the next few minutes.

"Isaac..." I felt her clinging onto me as well, her tears hitting me like rocks. And I cried. I cried as well...

If only that day would have been different...if only...

Flashback

My hand cupped her face gently and I placed a gentle kiss on her lips, knowing there was something special about her. I could feel it in my bones. The kiss was reciprocated as the corset brushed up my bare side, "I understand�" she said softly, scooting away from me on the bed. Scarlett had an uncanny way of understanding me, even though I didn't have to say much, "You must be in love with her."

"Love?" I questioned, turning back to her. I never knew if I was in love with Sarah or not. I just knew that I couldn't stop thinking about her�the way she made me feel before I fucked up. She made me feel like it was truly worth risking everything for love. She convinced me of that. She convinced me that it was okay to dive head first into something tragic like this. The cold of the January night outside held her deep within and I didn't care�so I didn't know if it was truly love or just a stumble of stupidity that I had that night and my birthday party was the period of that sentence in my life.

"Why else would you be thinking about a woman while you're in bed with another one?" she turned around to face me now, giving me my first good look at her through the moonlight. Her long brown hair was down over her shoulders, sliding down her back until it curled under slightly. Adorned with light blonde highlights, no wonder I picked her up. She was indeed gorgeous. She is the type of woman that I should be in love with.

Not Sarah. No�not Sarah.

"So�what happened?" she looked at me, tilting my chin up to see hers and I almost saw Sarah's face as I did in the Treasure Chest. Boy was that scary�I almost hit her again. The night of Kennywood�I'm surprised she even forgave me. I was just so angry�so angry that Amber and I had that awful fight and she was the only one there�

"Are you sure you want to hear the story?" I raised my eyebrows, beginning to feel the tears in my eyes. I hated to tell this story�and it wasn't even over with. Wow�no one even knew the half of it. Believe it or not, the Globe Magazine was actually on point with the coverage of the story.

"Only if you pay me extra," she giggled gently, "No, just kidding, please tell me�I won't judge you."

"I wouldn't say that," I sighed as I began to read from the page, "Do you mind�it's hard for me to remember exactly what happened, but magically, everybody else knows but me and her, they're good at hiding it."

She silently nodded as I began�

End Flashback

________________________________________

"I don't want to live in the past," I looked at him, my heart gaining 20 pounds every second I was breathing. I stepped out of his hold, which I admit was hard, and I felt everything whirring faster and faster as I searched frantically for the reason I had returned to see him. It was I who had to do this�why did it have to be me?

"Neither do I�I want to put it behind us," he looked at me equally as frantic as I was him. Everything was beginning to spin�god was he going to hate me.

"I've been trying�but I know that the direction to success isn't an easy one," I sighed softly, stepping one step away. He stepped one step closer, "Please don't make this harder for me."

"Are you giving up?" I could see his tears and I now understood how my mother would break down at the sound of a man crying. It's heartbreaking�

"No I'm not giving up�I'm helping," I tried my best to stand strong in front of him, "I'm taking a stand for your own good�please remember this. I'm doing this because I care about you and�dare I say it�love you. I do not hate you," my face started to slip down to look at the paper and saw that the magazine was sitting on the table and I almost broke down right there. I don't want to have to ever go through that again�I'm still on probation pertaining to that�

"What are you talking about?" he looked quietly at me, begging me with his eyes for an answer.

"I have to say goodbye for now," I looked at him, putting down the paper on the table, "You have to read this paper�remember, it's for your own good," God why is this so hard? This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do�

I watched him step closer to the paper�the packet really�and his face turned from broken to rage-filled.

Here we go�the hurricane�

_______________________________________

What...the...fuck...is...THIS?

I felt it growing inside me and I was even getting scared of what I was feeling. How could I still love her? HOW? Oh my god I cannot believe this is actually happening...

"An admission notice?" my eyes were burning into her skin. Somewhere deep inside, I knew I was hoping that I didn't hurt her, but I wanted to ring her damn neck, "Where the fuck am I admitted to?"

She looked down at her feet as she feebly replied, "Excela Behavioral Health Services Center," as she looked down at the form, "Your whole family signed it..." her tears were running down her face, "I didn't sign it...this wasn't my idea."

"Then why the fuck did they send you in here?" I was getting angrier by the second. Why would my family fucking do this to me? What the fuck have I done to them?

"You know what?" I felt her soul gaining strength through the air and it cut through like a hot knife, "Don't kill the messenger. They figured it'd be good to see me before you're admitted."

"And why did they tell you that they were admitting me? Why?" I asked with honest curiosity but my voice was so laced with anger it could be dangerous.

"You pretty much explained it to me on the video, it doesn't need any further clarifying, thank you," she started to step off, leaving the paper behind, "They're expecting you tomorrow morning at 8 AM...if you're willing to go and better yourself, they're willing to take it easy on you."

I looked down absentmindedly at the scars on my wrists quickly without her seeing and grabbed her arm fiercely, making her wince in fear and pulled her back before she could take one more step. I knew I had this power over her and I used to thrive on it...but now I knew I didn't want the fear. I was just so blind with rage I didn't give a fuck if she was Paris Hilton or the woman I loved...I had to have things clear.

"I can't handle this anymore..." the tears were falling hot onto my hand, almost searing into me, "Please...not after Halloween..."

"You're getting the two days mixed up," I looked at her, my tone softening like the way she made me feel. I don't know what is up with me being like this around her...this problem started way before I knew her, "They were the same." I'm sorry I had to lie to her about it...but it's all I could do to keep from breaking down.

She sighed softly, still looking down, not daring to look into my eyes in fear she would fall in too deep to save her from this drowning, "They may have been...but both seem hazy for explainable reasons."

"Just go...the world's going to find out about us...again."

"There IS no us," she yelled at me, looking up suddenly and making me jump back, letting go of my spitfire, "I've been fucking busting my balls to be nice and forgiving and you never seem to get that I'm willing to do anything. I didn't do this, but I would have. I would have admitted you to a psych hospital if I would have had the chance. I give a shit about you that much, Clarke Isaac Hanson. I don't know why...but I'm still fucking in love with you. I want to help you...more so now than ever. And you know what? I want you to fucking stop ignoring me and trying to forget me cause I'm not fucking forgetting you. You're a part of my life whether we like it or not, and I better damn well be a part of yours. In a dysfunctional way...we're right for each other. You're now on my list of "shit to deal with" so get the fuck over it...I need to know this is all worth it in the end...that somehow, there will be some good in the end," her voice was escalating with every sentence, "I've been walking a very lonely road...I've dealt with my mother having cancer for fourteen years...I've dealt with a sister who cannot walk, cannot talk, and who has touched my heart...I've dealt with a father who, indeed, has been admitted into the same fucking hospital you're going to for almost the same reason...but I noticed you both have a similar problem."

"And what is that?" I yelled back at her. I wasn't as confident. Her "Men Killers" were coming out and boy...was I melting.

"Isaac...wake up!" she clapped her hands in front of my face, surprisingly louder than I would have presumed they'd be, "You're an alcoholic that won't admit it. You need to get clean...I heard about your little escapade in the so-called 'detox' that you stayed there for 3 weeks...if you're not even willing to admit that you have a problem, you need to face it, not soak it in booze. I've already had to deal with this shit and I'm willing to deal with it again if there are some results in your life," her stance remained strong and her tears were absorbing back into her skin, ready for one more round in the ring, "I'm willing to forget everything if you're willing to better yourself. I'm willing to forget everything that you've done to me...you just need to open up in the right way...you need to open up to me. I'm no counselor, but I'm a hell of a good listener."

I stared at her throughout her whole soliloquy. Needless to say, I still thought she was wrong at the time but it was quite a feat to listen to. She said one last thing before she left me to deal with this newfound discovery, "Just one question though...what got you to this point? How could your life have been so horrible that you got this way?"

She had to have realized that the alcohol consumption was more than just a liking for liquor. It had a purpose. She had an alcoholic father...how could she have not noticed it? I seemed to completely forget that she said she was doing this because she cared. The anger and the fear was chewing on my insides so deeply that I almost forgot I loved her...almost.

Then there was the task of answering her question...it was much deeper than what I could even comprehend. Something tragic had happened...I had seen something so completely horrendous and I was denying it for so long...talk about skeletons in the closet.

"I see...you can't answer," her tears were returning and she was finally beginning to break, "I better be going then."

"Wait..." I looked at her longing and held her in my arms once again, willing her eyes to look into mine, "I...I lo-"

"Don't even," she put her finger to my lips, sending that familiar shock she always gave me. You don't understand, you don't know how much I want to share with you, you can't just send me away like this, "I don't want to hear it...I don't give a shit if you love me or not. You are not getting out of this."

I could imagine this was hard for her too, but I could only think of myself. And I cried again. I cried as she walked off the bus and out of my life...as I did to her two months ago.

I didn't know the next time I would ever see her again. But I knew that I would be telling her story...and mine...over and over again, so I might as well get it over with.

Flashback (aided by the reference of the article in the Globe Magazine)

I was interrupted before I even began by the sound of the radio, "What is that noise?"

"Oh�" she gasped as she pounded on the other wall, "Holly, shut up! I'm working with a client here!"

A young blonde woman stepped into the room seductively, dressed in only a Dep Leppard tee-shirt, "Sorry�he likes rock music. I've been busting my balls to buy Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World records for cheap," I heard the sounds of a particular Blink 182 song floating throughout the hall of their house that didn't even sound like the band. They were in the ring together, "Mind if I sit in? Looks like you're not so lucky."

"Thanks," Scarlett gave her a nasty smirk as Holly sat down on the bed, "Holly, Isaac�Isaac, my sister, Holly."

Holly had a firm handshake for a tiny girl and she smiled proudly, "It's Robert Smith playing with them. Amazing song, really. Just a coincidence they sing about a Holly. So�what's your deal? Bad lover�or sappy story?"

"Sappy story," I sighed softly as I felt her unbuckling my pants, "What are you doing?"

"Oh okay�you're serious," she sighed in an annoyed state, "God�I'm a whore, Isaac," she spoke my name in a mocking fashion, "What the hell am I supposed to do? Sell flowers at Giant Eagle? I give head�"

"Yes I'm aware of that," I looked quietly at a girl walking through the hall that would come into my life again more abrupt than that moment. A curly blonde haired girl who would shake our world�just like Sarah had shook mine.

"Okay, Isaac, ignore her," Scarlett looked at me sweetly as Holly stuck her tongue out at her and laid on my lap, "Please tell us."

I opened up the magazine to the page and I could tell the pages were already starting to get soft from ringing it so much from frustration in my hands, "Well�from what I remember, my brothers wanted to go out for my birthday. I preferred to have a nice date with the girl I was dating at the time, Sarah�but Zac insisted that I go out and have some fun. I ended up taking Sarah with me."

"So it says�" Scarlett said softly and Holly's eyes grew as large as saucers as she exclaimed, "You're Isaac Hanson!"

"Yes, you're so smart, Holly," Scarlett patted her mockingly on the top of her head and Holly's lip pouted out and I could see exactly why a guy would choose her; she fakes innocence. Guys love innocence.

I continued, "I had a couple drinks after a while and they sent out this huge cake with strippers in it�which I laughed at. I've never really been into strippers that much so I ignored them, as did Sarah. I tried to convince her to have one drink with me, but she didn't want to. And I respected that, I mean, she is underage."

"How underage?" Holly asked.

"19," I replied softly.

"Damn�" Holly replied quietly as she was actually starting to pay attention to my story, "So you were caught giving alcohol to a minor?"

"Did you hear the man? He said he respected it�" Scarlett smacked the back of her head as I went on:

"What happened next was a blur�next thing I know, she goes to look for a bathroom and this girl drags me onto the dance floor. She recognized me of course and she was rather attractive�she reminded me of my ex-girlfriend, Amber, so I danced with her for a little while. Harmless dancing really. Once I got away from her, I noticed Sarah sipping on her cola softly and I proceeded to chat with her and occasionally kiss her."

Collective aww's from the girls were echoed throughout the dark room, "She got drugged, didn't she?"

"Yes, you have to burst the bubble, don't you?" I coyly replied to Holly, who I would learn to like as well as Scarlett, "After an hour, she started to act funny�her eyes would never focus on me, even when we were dancing. She didn't really like the clubbing atmosphere when we first got there, but after a while she started really getting wild, which wasn't her. I ignored it, however; it was my birthday, I figured she was just enjoying the time, so I hammered down a couple more shots for my birthday and I was really feeling it. She was getting more beautiful by the minute."

"Classic case of the booze being as beautiful as the girl," Holly draped herself back on the bed gracefully, her feet resting in my lap as I was slightly aroused by this, "She must be really ugly."

"Shut the fuck up," I shot to her, "she has a beauty that's way more than a whore would have."

"That's just an excuse to hide her being not as pretty," she reached for a cigarette across the bed. Her long hair was drawn over her shoulders. This would be a girl that Zac would like, "She's fat, isn't she?"

"She's claimed to be overweight, but she doesn't look it," I shrugged silently, not wanting to think about it. It pained me to think about her after what had happened�and what I had done. I couldn't bare it, not on a night like tonight, "She has a hell of a personality, she's very kind�"

"We've heard this story before," Holly looked me in the eyes, "The men are content with their women for so long, but that's what we're for."

"You know what? I'm getting really pissed," I looked at her, "I was forced to leave her�we haven't been dating since November, so this escapade has nothing to do with her."

"Sure it doesn't," Holly brushed her hair back and I was really starting to hate her. Scarlett gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder, looking at me firmly as Holly was giggling soundly next to me. The CD changed to Jimmy Eat World and a beautifully haunting melody poured into the room of a piano and simple words of love�and drugs.

"But I can't tell you, from the drugs," Holly sang softly as we all sat there in silence for a few minutes. I had to continue, even if it hurt.

"Well�am I free to continue?" I looked at Holly and she nodded, but I tried my best to forget she was in the room, "She was acting wild. Dancing on tables, singing horrible karaoke, and trust me�she's a good singer. She was sloppy intoxicated, or so I thought. Turns out she didn't know any better to order a new drink before she went to the bathroom. Somebody put E in her drink that night�I wasn't aware of it, of course. I was too drunk to care if she was acting weird or not."

Scarlett took the magazine from my fingers and started turning the pages to read the article along with my stories and her eyes opened in surprise. I ignored the surprise in her eyes as I continued, "She almost died�they had to pump her stomach after the whole ordeal."

"You're leaving a lot out, you know," Scarlett said and I could tell the family resemblance in her eyes when she was nebbing into my business, "You should tell the story accurately."

I shook my head and held it in my hands, like I was reliving the whole experience over again. I saw in my head the night I turned 24. I was stammering, Sarah was beautiful, and I hadn't had sex in so long�the lights were beckoning me to touch her and her lips tasted strongly of sugar.

Scarlett ignored my agony as she read from the magazine, "Sources found the young singer naked in the bathroom of the dance club with a young girl, name disclosed for her safety, after a sex romp later that night. Evidence taken from the scene was an empty alcohol bottle across the room, young Isaac being strongly intoxicated. There was no alcohol present in the girl's system, but she had a strong amount of ecstasy in her body that night. She was escorted to the UPMC Presbyterian Hospital in Oakland at 3:28 that same night and nearly died from complications."

"Did you at least go to see the poor tramp?" Holly looked at me shocked.

"She didn't come onto me," I looked at Holly, grabbing her gently by the shoulders, "I�I raped her."

"You what?" Scarlett looked up from the page into my eyes. It was like we weren't even in the same dimension any more.

"I was hammered, I didn't know what I was doing. After throwing up like mad in that bathroom, I saw Sarah was gone. I had heard the paramedics' footsteps around me and that's what woke me up�along with a splitting headache. She was throwing up after I had forced her to have sex with me�but it wasn't enough. She was dying and I knew it."

"You didn't answer my question," Holly looked at me firmly, "Did you go see her?"

"I did�I did go see her," I admitted quietly, "I did go to see her but I was so afraid she would find out. She never knew I came�I only saw her briefly when she was unconscious. Taylor had talked to her about that night�he lied about everything. He said that she had tripped down the stairs of the club and that's how she woke up sore and bleeding the next day. He lied to save my ass."

"He's a good brother," Holly said quietly as Scarlett roughly shoved the magazine back into my hands, "Too good."

"So how did she find out about all of it?" Scarlett looked at me disgusted, like I could ever think of sleeping with her.

"She saw the paper�and freaked," I listened to the lyrics floating past me that would mean a lot more later than now:

"If only you could see
the stranger next to me
you'd promise, you'd promise that you're done
but I can't tell you from the drugs."

End Flashback

_______________________________________

I cried as I walked back through the rain. I cried�and my tears mixed with the rain. They were together�unlike Isaac and I. I cannot believe I had just done that. I cannot believe everything that has happened since that day in November. I was angry at the fact that Taylor lied about everything that had happened the night of his birthday. I should have known better than to leave my drink out in the open�my mother taught me that.

I blamed myself for a very long time.

I was particularly mad when I found out that Isaac had raped me. My virginity was a very precious thing to me�and Isaac had known that. He had disrespected me in the worst way possible. He didn't even come to visit me in the hospital. I saw the papers about a week and a half later after I got out of the hospital�and I freaked out. Not lightly either. I was shopping with my family and the pictures were everywhere. I wasn't even aware of the happenings that night because Taylor had told me I tripped down a flight of steps (how ironic�my nickname) and now�pictures of me dancing on tables, stripping for the camera in front of me (which I didn't even know was there), Isaac and I together in that horrible state�and the ones of us naked in the bathroom with vomit around us. I got so angry�so angry. This was a magazine that my grandmother did the puzzles in weekly and now�it's tainted. I'm tainted�and I didn't even know.

Finding a lighter, I immediately set the magazine on fire. I was banned from that Giant Eagle�I was sent to jail for arson for a month in January�and since, I've been on probation for the next year. I was a horrible person�I was a whore, and I blamed it all on me�but I was raped. That wasn't my fault. I already knew that deep within myself, but after counseling, I knew it even firmer than before.

I can't believe I'm even giving Isaac a chance for forgiveness. But I'm a good person�and these things don't just happen.

I went inside, ignoring the Hanson family chatting with my mother as I went up to my room and cried. I turned on the Jimmy Eat World record that I've never listened to yet and the music mostly blasted through my ears, then I heard this melody from the piano. I listened to it�and I knew that I still loved him, no matter what he did. He did so many more good things than bad before the day�the day that ended it. I had his heart�and he knew it. Why else would he be looking at me that way?

I heard a soft singing voice pouring through the speakers, but that was odd�there was a deeper voice laced within it. I got up slowly to turn down the stereo when I felt a hand on my shoulder and I screamed lightly.

"Isaac!" I screamed as I turned around�to find him standing there. Zac and Taylor were standing behind him as a support chain.

"I meant what I said," he looked at me firmly, grabbing my head and kissing it softly, "I love you. If you see the good in me after what I've done to you�I'm sure I can see the good in me somehow."

"It's not going to be easy," my eyes were looking down as Isaac cupped my chin in his hands, bringing my teary eyes to meet his brown ones, "It's not."

"I know�" he looked down as well very briefly at his shoes as he listened to the music in the background, "You're as intoxicating as alcohol."

"It's drugs�or me," I was honestly not being funny when I said that because that was the title of the song and I looked at him.

"I honestly blamed the depression on you for a long time�" Isaac looked at me with a passion I hadn't seen for a while, "But I know it's not you, and I need to quit mixing them up. I'm going to the clinic�it might take me a while, but I will come back for you."

"I can't guarantee you I'll wait," I knew it stung both of us to hear that, but it was true. I didn't know if I would�not everybody ends up with their soul mate in the end.

"I know why I love you�I had an epiphany," he cupped my face in both his hands and I almost broke down there, "You're beautiful. You see beauty beyond anything I've ever imagined. You see hope in me�and I'm completely lost. I'm lost without you in my life. I need you. Listen to me," he brought my chin back up, "I need to better myself first. This woke me up�I could lose you, I could lose everything in my life if I don't do this�"

I was crying deeply�this had to be a dream�

"I love you too�but you have to go," I said softly�and I let him go� epilogue / back 1

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