I stared at the clock on the computer screen. It is once again a late night and I'm wishing I could lull myself to sleep. It's two weeks until the end of the semester, and it feels like my brain has been put on a hot grill. It seems like this year will never end and I will never get some peace. It is 10 days until my birthday and my roommates have forgotten.
Do I have to ask for everything? You don't understand how much I abhor that. I've never been one to ask anybody for any help, but Isaac came up to help me move some things back home for a little while. He met my mother, she does not know about our situation at all, which is a plus. I don't need her hating him. My bag broke on the way down the stairs at school though and Isaac, I'm pretty sure, now realizes what a stubborn person I can be.
"Damnit, no!" I whined as I put the other 3 bags and the broken papasan from October down at the edge. We still had a good while to walk until we got to his Jeep and I hate having delays in anything.
"Why don't we just leave some of this stuff here and we'll come back for it?" Isaac asked coolly, putting down my trunk a flight of stairs above me.
"That's stupid," I looked at him as he came down to help me scatter the remaining pieces that fell out of the butchered bag. Meredith was coming up and we both looked at her with a funny face.
"What happened here?" she asked curiously, "Have you seen Amanda, Sarah?"
"No�" I said quickly when in a couple seconds time we would see her walking through the door to go upstairs and Meredith lost her attention again.
Once we cleared up the rubble and I was loaded up with a heavy load again, it started up again.
"Seriously Sarah, let me pull my Jeep up closer so we can at least get some of this stuff in with 2 trips. You should have accepted Denise's help."
"No! I hate accepting people's help for anything," I growled at him quietly as I watched the dreary weather creeping closer, "You know that."
"God�you're so stubborn," he looked at me, like he couldn't believe I was capable. I am a Taurus after all, why would I not be stubborn?
I sighed�and we ended up following both of our plans really. I guess it's a sort of win-win thing if you want to call it that. At least we're talking to each other.
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I always thought it was a joke when my brothers said how gorgeous women look when they're angry...but I guess they weren't fibbing.
She looked absolutely stunning, the way her hair flung around her face when she turned around, the way her Green Day t-shirt scrunched up slightly even after she pulled it back down, the way her brows furrowed and the passion in her voice stood out...
She's extraordinary.
I heard her humming the new single by Green Day, "Holiday" as we were carrying the things out to my Jeep. She had a heck of a time getting into it and sat there quietly, not saying a word and staring at the road for the short ride back to her house. I wish she would talk to me. Maybe we could just forget everything happened.
"I still remember that night," she said to me quietly, still staring out of the window, "I don't want to, but I do."
"I'm sorry...I don't know how to make it up to you."
"You can't...I'll always remember it," she sighed. I sighed. We both sighed. And I kept driving.
She didn't look as pretty sad.
"So...you're writing lyrics now?" I smiled into the phone and I felt dizzy just talking to her. I don't know how she couldn't feel it.
"Yeah, I'm writing lyrics now, but I don't have the courage to tinker on the guitar with them yet," she smiled, "You should read some of them. I've been more fond of writing lately than playing."
"But you've gotten better, I assume."
"Yes, jerk, of course I've gotten better," she seemed to be playing it a lot calmer than she had been before, "I've only started seven chords. But every set of lyrics I write, Denise thinks I write them about her."
I laughed softly as I heard her read some of her lyrics to me, a song she named "Florentine", which I interpreted as a girl that is haunted by insecurities...kind of like her.
"Those are pretty good," I smiled into the phone.
"Thanks," I heard her smile into the phone confidently.
"Would you...uh...would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?" I asked shyly, hoping the answer would be yes. Please give me another chance, please make me feel better than the man I am, I know you can heal everything inside me.
"When?"
"You mean you want to go?"
"No, I mean, when? Cause I have a really busy schedule, next week is my finals week."
"Oh..." I paused, "Well...how about Sunday?"
"My birthday."
"That's your birthday?" Damnit. I can't believe I've never asked her when her birthday was, "You're going to be 20, right?"
"Yes," I heard her smile through the phone and it made me smile.
"Please...give me another chance," I shivered slightly at the thought. Oh what would I do to have her in my arms again...to really know what it's like.
And I waited patiently for the answer.
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I was tinkering a little bit on the guitar while listening to "Wake Me Up When September Ends" and playing the chords. I didn't know the minor ones, but I got G, C, D and D7, cursing myself. It would be so much better each note by itself. That's what it's meant to be.
The song made me melancholy�I really miss Isaac in my life.
He asked me out. He actually asked me out. It almost made me forget the pain of the past. For a second. I wanted more than anything to push that night out of my head, just like when it happened when I was 12 as well. But it would forever remain. Maybe I should just put it behind me and accept that he wants to start again.
I'm getting chills. The song gives me chills�or maybe it might be what just happened an hour ago. I don't know; both are rather hauntingly beautiful.
I'm actually really scared�I didn't think that it would end up this way. I never knew that Isaac and I would end up in this mixed up relationship we have now. I always hope for peace, but what fun would that be?
Flashback
After the hospital incident occurred, I realized I had no ride home. Holy shit, and Leah left too. I didn't even have a cell phone and I'm stuck here with Hanson.
Doesn't that sound like a fan fiction story?
"Do you need a ride?" Taylor asked me gently, waking up from his pleasant dream world, pulling out his wallet and looking at it for a couple seconds. Must be Ezra.
"I do actually, if you guys don't mind," I smiled as Isaac was ringing his hands together and Zac was coming out from the other room with a pack of Smoothie Mix Skittles and a bottle of Dasani.
"We'll give you a ride home," Taylor smiled kindly as he folded his wallet back up.
The next thing I knew we were on the tour bus, which had been paged to pick them up considering we didn't have a ride home. It was a marvel. I had read about what these things were like in stories and seen kind of what they looked like on MTV, but it really didn't measure up to the real thing. From end to end, it was a modern palace. The guys had their own larger than mini fridge so Tay could cook, a mega collection of PS2 games so Zac could game, and papers were strewn everywhere with scribbles of lines or beginning tablatures along with a guitar on one of the beds. That must be Isaac's. Most of them were unkempt, but they seemed a lot roomier than I heard they were. They even let me lay down considering I had been up for so long.
The doctors neglected to tell us that Mrs. D suffered a minor fall and was just bruised up really bad.
I opened my eyes as I climbed up into one of the upper bunks and crawled in. Isaac walked past me to sit behind me, tending to his papers and I heard light strums of minor chords following. I shut my eyes and listened to him play as I looked down at him shyly from the bunk.
Wow�he's gorgeous.
I didn't get a really good look at him before now and I noticed I was still wearing his jacket. Tucking it in around me, I smiled lightly as Isaac was wrapped up in the music and it was almost like he was singing a lullaby.
I know they didn't take me home immediately�as a matter of fact, they had the gall to look through my purse, find my I.D. card and call my home phone, telling my mother that I would be out for a while, explaining the circumstances with help of Taylor, and they headed off to the hotel they were staying at. Zac did it. How did I know?
I woke up on the way to Pittsburgh.
I softly climbed out of my bunk after we passed through the tunnels and saw Zac playing games, Taylor cooking something that looked like stir-fry with chicken or turkey, loaded with baby corn, snow peas, and soy sauce, and Isaac lightly napping, his headphones blaring with the sounds of a mix CD. At the moment, I heard the Moody Blues and I had to smile.
He has good taste.
"Hungry?" Taylor smiled at me and explained what they had done, "You were conked out there for a while."
"I know, I'm sorry about that," I smiled as I sat down in the lounge area of the kitchen that sorely reminded me of the *NSYNC video when they take the cameras on the bus and Lance was being a dork, repeating, "The lounge, the kitchen! The lounge, the kitchen!"
"No need," Tay smiled as he added some strong smelling spice that he freshly grated into it.
"What did you just put in?" I smiled lightly. I had an affiliation with the Food Network and have always wanted to tinker in cooking as well.
"Ginger root," he smiled, "Gives it some punch."
"Did you put wasabi powder in?" I asked curiously.
"Yeah, already did�the garlic goes in next," he smiled, "How did you know that?" as he was putting the garlic in.
"Well I watch Food Network," I smiled as Isaac stirred and smirked in his sleep. It made me look back and I smiled.
"You should talk to him�you two seem alike�too quiet for your own good," he smiled as he put the whole thing on a big platter and let the smells draw everyone out of their holes, but for the time being, it drew no one out.
"What do you mean?"
I never knew Tay had this great talent for reading people he barely knew, "Well�I know Isaac. He's brilliant, but so into his own mind that it's hard to reach him."
"How do you know I'm like that though?" I looked at him curiously.
"Well�the fact that you were so exhausted and didn't complain shows me you are a very hard worker, but very humble and modest," he got out a couple forks from the drawer, like this analysis was everyday fashion, "The fact that you're reserved and quiet, but the way you were speaking at the store shows that you're a leader, but one that is not afraid to let others take the lead as well," he smiled as he put them down on the counter and the smell was starting to waft itself throughout the bus, "And I can see just from your eyes that there is a lot of pain that you hide�though you don't let it affect you. And that really appeals to Isaac because�he would do anything to know people deeper than they know themselves. He would have a ball with you."
I looked at him as though somebody snapped and broke me out of this trance as the guys started to filter into the room, smiling with the smell of stir-fry in the air. He�just�read my mind. That is very scary.
I couldn't help but scope out the options with Isaac after that. Maybe Tay was right�maybe he could get to know me.
But who knows I'll long I'll be in their lives.
End Flashback
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Looking over at Tay, I smiled lightly. I knew he could read people rather well, but this is the first time he told me about what he told Sarah.
I never knew they even talked that much.
They weren't close or anything, and it is odd how he works sometimes. No harm in it I guess.
I know, I know, you're all wondering, aren't you? What did she say? Oh my god, did she say yes? Did she tell you to fuck off?
She did neither actually.
"I'll give you another chance," she said quietly into the phone as she turned off the television in the background and her voice got hushed, "Even you deserve that."
"So you'll go?"
"No," my breath was becoming more rapid over the phone, waiting to hear more, "But we can come up and watch a movie. I don't know if I'm quite ready for dinner yet."
I was silently cheering inside as she continued, "I don't plan on this getting romantic because...well..."
"What?" I asked curiously.
"Ever since that night, I've been thinking a lot about what values I hold nearest to me," she said slowly so I heard every single word, "Everything got questionable to me. Friendships, family, love...my career...everything," I felt my heart twisting, "I've never been treated so indecently in my life, not saying it was all my fault. I just never want to give that a chance to ever surface again."
"Oh it won't," I started to growl with anger, but she wouldn't let me finish.
"I won't either because I think it's better we stay friends," she said clearly. I couldn't believe she was saying this. She knew...she knew I loved her, and she even said she was willing to give us a chance, "Because trust has to be earned first. I'm not guaranteeing it will surpass friendship, maybe it will, maybe it won't...but that night showed me what's first in your life."
"Music?" I questioned stupidly, thinking only of her. I know it was stupid, shut up!
Her sigh echoed throughout my mind for the rest of the week, "Maybe to you...but I know the truth. I've dealt with it for a long time and I refuse to put up with it with you. You're better than it. You can conquer it. But you have to admit it to yourself first. If you don't...I walk alone forever."
So she has a clue, or at least I think, "What do you mean, walk alone forever?"
"You told me about those dreams you've been having," my eyes grew...I don't even remember telling her, "They definitely seem very strange to me, but I don't know much about aura reading. You're looking for this Supreme Being in your lover. That's definitely not me."
"It was just a figure-"
"Even if you think it was me," she interrupted me, "Maybe it wasn't. It was just a dream, I don't know how you can be certain."
"I never said she was a Supreme Being either. I wouldn't care if she tramples around everywhere barefoot and is so insecure she cuts."
"Oh, I think you would," she interjected a little harsher, "Not that I do, no. Insecurity can ruin everything...it has before for me."
"I'm different, though."
"I have enough problems to deal with on my own...I don't want to have to hold yours up."
"And what exactly is my problem?" I knew damn well what the answer was and I wasn't telling anyone.
"You're an alcoholic." Click.
