Her face hasn't changed at all. Still round and her smile daunting around her lips like an angel. An angel I never realized she was. She compared only to the vision I've had in my dreams a little. She was better. She was alive and real, not just in my dreams.
Just hope she's not vegan. I don't remember if she is or not.
I smiled at her lightly as I felt our eyes connect for the first time in months. I didn't know what she was thinking, but I knew it was something colossal, but she turned away with a slight twist of her mouth upward and joined her friends and walked away. Why did she walk away?
Couldn't she feel what I just did?
Later, over by frozen foods I caught her again, picking out a pack of Pepperoni Hot Pockets, which I knew were her favorite, her hair was curled around her face delicately. I remember when I would purposefully pull her hair out of her ponytail to see even the split ends fall on her shoulders. Even then, so plain and elegant, she remained beautiful.
She must have just gotten it cut.
Her friends had split from her as she held her basket hanging from her arm joint and reached in another freezer, keeping her hand plunging in and out of the cold air. She must be debating ice cream/no ice cream. I wanted to step up so bad, but she spotted me out of the corner of her eyes and gave me a shy little smile, totally out of her character. She looked down at the door briefly and then wrote down in big letters, "Hi."
Freezer writing. How creative.
I smiled as she blinded me with the look that she was giving me. It was almost like she was feeling the same way I was, but I could never be sure unless I heard it from her mouth, which she never really had a problem with. One of the very brutal honest ones she is...and I really admire that.
Dare I break her concentration now and go over to talk to her? Of course.
______________________________________
I looked at him with shy eyes as he walked closer to me. I sighed gently as I felt my heart racing faster than a Jeff Gordon car as I found something to distract myself. Maybe we didn't really see each other, maybe this is one of those neurotic delusions that people have when they're sleeping�yes�maybe this is a dream�
"Cannot I buy those Hot Pockets for you, my fair one?" he met me by the door, splashing some of his hot breath on the other side of the door and I shut it quickly with nothing in my hand to meet his gaze, intense and serious.
"Cannot I?" I questioned as I started to walk away.
"Sarah, wait�" Isaac reached out to grab the cart before it rolled away and pulled it so it did a 180 in the aisle, "Hear me out�"
"What is there to hear?" I asked quietly and fearfully, not wanting to cause a scene, "And if it's worthy, can't you do it somewhere more appropriate?"
"Okay," he looked at me solemnly, following me as I pushed the cart down the aisle like a lost puppy, "We'll talk out in my car."
"I'm with people, you know-"
He cut me off, "Tell them you've got another ride back," he said it so easily he acted like it was easy to be swept away into his world. But it wasn't, I almost had�I had�and he didn't know.
"Ike�"
"Please, I like it when you call me Isaac," he smiled at me and I remembered how I haven't seen his smile in so long. In the shadow of his hand crashing down on my face multiple times, you can't blame me for forgetting what a smile looked like.
"Okay�Isaac�" I said, letting out a deep breath as his hand gently stroked the top of mine, "I may be sending you mixed signals right now�"
"Yes�"
"But that's only in response of what I got from you."
"And I'm sorry. I know there's something I can do to rectify what I've done to you."
"Yeah I know there's something you can do too."
"Why can't you tell me what to do?"
That face was so longing for answers as I approached the checkout with my groceries.
"It's not that simple."
Beep. First item scanned.
"It could be if you wanted it to." Beep.
"I've never liked simple." Beep.
"That's cause you're not used to it." Beep.
"Neither are you." Beep.
"But I could try�" Beep.
"It's too late." Beep.
"It's never too late�"
"You messed up."
"I love you�"
"I don't know how you could love such a whore�" I stopped scanning and turned around to face him, "That's what you said after all. That's all I am. A whore. Just a simple stinking whore who wasn't good enough for you. After all I've done�after all the sacrifices I made�you turned your face�and your hand to me�and sent me packing. You expect me to come running back in your arms? It's not that easy."
"Sarah�" Beep. Beep. Beep. Bill paid. "Please say something." I picked up my receipt.
"Call me later." Vacate.
_____________________________________
Why is she making this so complicated?
This, I swear, isn't a complicated matter. I have traveled so far just to see her, just to touch her, just to talk to her and see if it could be alright...only to be turned away.
Maybe I know how it feels now.
This is a time when I wish I were still with Scarlett. She had all the answers. She was my anchor. She would always listen. She was in bed with me when I needed her. Sarah...never was.
But she's not like Scarlett.
Flashback
"Darling�" I felt her arm draped across my shoulders as I reached down for my pants at the base of the bed, "What are you thinking?"
"I can't do this."
Those simple words muttered clearly out of the blue. I knew she thought I was joking and this childish giggle came out of her mouth and fell back down on the bed, smiling, "Come on Isaac, you can't be serious."
I looked back at her and smiled gently, "I don't know exactly what I got myself into in the first place with you."
"You know�you act like you didn't want this."
"This is my first one night stand."
"Well I hope it's been good so far, cause it ain't over until the sun kisses the horizon."
I looked outside, not finding the beauty of the night endearing like I had before. It was different with Scarlett. Never knew my first prostitute would be so rowdy and intelligent, but it was so outrageous for even me I was feeling the buzz. When I first saw Scarlett, I thought she was an angel. An angel sent to put me out of this misery I put myself in. I didn't even know I put myself into this misery.
"I know�" I glanced at the guitar in the corner and went to pick it up, playing a bunch of chords that I taught Sarah how to play. Clumsy and earning her calluses nonetheless, it was endearing to see her learn from me. That smile she got when she got the chord right, the excitement she held in her eyes when she learned any classic 70's rock songs, that yellow star guitar strap, the way she named her guitar "Dane"�I remembered it all. It was the first time I thought about her that whole week. I had been thinking about her a lot, I didn't understand why. Come to think of it�I don't even know why she left. All I heard was she told Zac and Tay that somebody hurt her and she had to return to the life she was meant to be in. Who would have hurt her?
I just remember the last night I was with her; I was drunk.
"You're thinking about a woman," Scarlett crawled up behind me, wrapping her arms around my chest. I felt the corset she entered the room in brushing harsh against my back as her body pressed up against mine and whispered seductively in my ear, "Is it me?"
I looked back out the window and thought of Sarah again. She was like the night�you miss so much of her unless you're up to see her. She, herself, is a very open and friendly person, but like the night, you don't see all of her unless you take the time to experience her. I was usually about to go to sleep when I would hear her play "Bad Moon Rising" badly. It would make me smile because she was determined to get better. Her hair would fall over her face, smelling of Herbal Essences and just her essence would reek of whatever lotion she put on that night after her shower, that night being Coconut Lime Verbena. Simply turning to Scarlett, I smiled and my eyes twinkled like the strings on Sarah's guitar, "Unfortunately�no."
End Flashback
I should have known it wouldn't be easy. I remember now what happened...I don't know how I could be so unaware. Well...technically I can. I was more drunk that night than I ever had been in my life. I don't know how I was up and functioning properly with my blood alcohol level. I chose not to accept that I could be that highly addicted. I chose not to accept that I was a lush...turning into an alcoholic. That's not what she needed. I guess that's why she chose not to talk about what happened.
But it had to resurface sometime.
________________________________________
Why, damnit, why? Why do the alcoholics seem drawn to me? I don't even know how to feel anymore I am so dreadfully confused. I wish I could properly figure out this endless maze of trickery. One moment he's telling me he doesn't drink at all, the next moment I see him sneaking sips of whiskey at the dinner table. One moment he's telling me he will never feel for me while I'm hovering on the ground, the next moment he's speaking poems in my ear, asking for my hand to dance.
What am I to do?
I'm not willing to deal with this shit again. My father was bad enough. I told Zac about what I've gone through with my dad with alcohol and he couldn't blame me for staying away. There are many conversations I've had with the boy. Smart kid. I told him not to tell Isaac we've been talking, but Isaac must have been looking after Zac's phone one day when I heard him answer the phone for Zac�and all I did was hang up.
Pity Zac had me on his caller I.D. list.
I didn't talk to him for weeks. I felt betrayed. I felt lied to. I thought he had told Isaac everything, but he hadn't. That's when Isaac started talking to Zac about what we had been through. But he never let Isaac know that we were still talking.
I heard the phone ring in my purse as I joined my roommates in the car, "Hey nerd ball."
"Hey yourself," Zac smiled into the phone, "Have you, perchance, seen Ike?"
"At the store actually," I sighed silently as they pulled off and I quieted my tone a little.
"He went all that way just to see you?"
"He got groceries too," I pointed out, putting on a puzzled expression. Just how far did Isaac travel to see me?
"Well he must have been hankering for something other than some fancy cheeses," Zac laughed into the phone and I laughed lightly too.
"We need to see each other again, you know? Take another road trip," I smiled. I knew I didn't get out enough and Zac and I always had fun together when we would just escape.
"He misses you."
"He's told me," I sighed again.
"He doesn't say it to me, but I see it on his face�he's miserable�he needs you back in his life."
"If he knew how to use me properly other than his punching bag�maybe I would consider it."
"He was drunk�and that was once�"
"But I don't deal with it, Zac, you don't get it! I've been through it one too many times and I will not take it from him. I deserve better."
"I know�but it's his duty to get himself clean, not yours."
I sighed silently as I walked up to the room with my groceries alone, "Well�is he going to stalk me anywhere else?"
"Why won't you give him a chance?"
"I am giving him a chance�it's just slow and gradual like you told me to do. I was willing to forgive him, you're the one that told me not to�when did you want me to forgive him, right now?"
"I'm not saying that," I heard him grumble, "Maybe you guys should do something together instead of me and you."
"I get what you're saying," I looked at the picture sitting near my computer that I can get blind to. It was the boys and I at Kennywood for Fright Fest. We must have just gotten off a roller coaster because my hair was all messed up in the picture and I had this huge smile on my face, looking like I was laughing hysterically at something. Tay and Zac were trying to hold me up cause I was laughing so hard. I know Nat took the picture, so she wasn't in it, but Isaac was on the ground making some crazy face and gestures with his legs and arms outstretched.
I remember�I had just ridden the Skycoaster for the first time and he was making fun of me. That same night was when he hit me.
Putting on a bitter smile, I asked Zac, "Do you remember Fright Fest at Kennywood, before it closed?"
"Yeah�"
"We should do that again. I'm longing to be that happy again."
"You know�he is too."
And I didn't know what to say.
