"Ike?"
I looked around oddly as I woke up from my haunting dreams. I've been having these ones for a while now. Ever since I've met Sarah, my world has been turned completely upside down. Literally, I'm not joking. I've found myself strangely motivated to write more and more songs for our new album. Tay barely knows what to do with all these lyrics I'm spewing out. I remember he always yelled at me for the first four months that I did that to him. I haven't written anything in a while, but now I just feel the words flowing into my brain.
Stupid girl.
"What?" I heard myself yell as I got out of bed and opened the door, feeling the blur of the bright light spill into my eyes. I felt like I could see my goddess again, floating over me. Except this time I was conscious. She was even more beautiful than I remembered. Not to mention that I had drank after I had talked to Sarah last night. Oh well, screw if she doesn't like drinking, I couldn't give a shit less what I do when I'm drunk. But boy did I feel guilty when I was sober...
"It's your turn to get groceries," Zac looked at me with a slight scowl and a tired expression on his face, "We're out of stuff for the mini-fridge and I really need some milk."
"Okay..." I moaned softly, shutting the door that separated our hotel rooms and looked outside at the streets of Pittsburgh...we were promoting on a small radio station later that day. Our promotion was dwindling down, we haven't been to Pittsburgh in years...not since that Monroeville incident...you'd think we would have learned from Paramus...oy!
Needless to say, I was on a mission other than groceries that day. Even though my mind was still fuzzy, I was fully aware of what I was going to do today. But I wasn't going to tell anyone. I just politely went along with it, "So what do you want me to get?"
"Get some cheese...uh..." I heard him looking in the fridge and he yelled, "Ham, and get some more Captain Morgan's."
We were supposed to keep Zac's drinking quiet with the rest of the family. Even his girlfriend didn't know, but he wasn't nearly as bad as I am, "Alright...I'll pick up some Jack Daniels too."
"Sure."
I just smiled to myself as I walked into Zac's room, "Where's Lydia?"
"At work," Zac smiled as he took a small swig of one of those little bottles that he likes to buy so much.
"And you tell me that it'll kill me..." I looked at him questioningly, "You drink way more than me."
"That's only because I can't get away with it, you know I can't turn away...wait a second," he looked at me with a tired look in his eyes, "You've got to be shitting me, you drink way more than I do."
I looked at him with a look of denial. I don't know what's been up with me so lately.
"This girl's got you acting crazy, you know," he said completely out of the blue.
"Who, Scarlett?" I looked at him again, playing stupid. Only Zac knew about the relationship I had with Scarlett and I care not to disclose that with anyone else at this given moment.
"No dumb ass," he looked at me, whipping the refrigerator quickly shut and lightly punched me in the arm, which was painful for me. His light punches could floor a woman if he ever turned into an abusive boyfriend, "I mean that girl that you brought to Ez's party. The girl that you fucked up with."
"Oh yeah...her..." I looked up into the sky, trying to remember her as I knew her...the way she would always close her eyes as if dreaming in reality, the way her face would curve slightly when she smiled and her eyes would scrunch up slightly but her smile would shine, the way she sang...how could I ever forget a girl like Sarah?
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Good grief�not again�
"Clint, what's the matter?" I frantically cried into the phone. I had my fair share of bruises from dealing with him, but I wouldn't ever dare tell Isaac. Not physical bruises or anything, more and more emotional bruises that I wasn't sure they were going to heal. Clint and I had a slightly history of beating each other up with words.
"I�I think we should see other people�"
"You've said this so many times, what exactly is going on?" I sighed as he was going into one of his emotional tangents again. I've dealt with this so many times it's kind of sickening�
"I've�I've found someone else."
"Really?" I replied curiously. I've been kind of anxious to break up with him anyways. He wasn't my type. And I've heard from my friends that he was cheating on me, "What's she like?"
"Don't act so eager. She has a son named Aidan and she really needs me."
"Then go to her, I don't give a shit, we were just casually dating anyways," I quickly turned the cell phone off. I don't know what was up with me. Clint and I have always had this angry type of relationship anyways. I couldn't stand him, but he was drawn to me for some reason. Who knows what the real attraction was, I have no clue. I don't think I wanted to deal with him anymore and I'm glad he ended it before I did.
"Want to go to Wal-Mart?" I heard my other roommate, Denise, ask me lightly. My hair desperately needed cut and I was absentmindedly running my fingers through my overgrown curls. That's more than one thing I want permanently out of my life. Along with Clint, my split ends would be nice.
"Yeah sure, I need some groceries, Mom gave me some money so I can buy a couple things I need," I looked at Denise, who was blonde and beautiful. She's about the same size as me, so I didn't have horribly too much to envy, but oh well. She has an amazing clothing collection that I adore to death.
I sighed as I stared at my computer screen and saw an IM from Isaac once again: I don't even know how the guys could get Internet access in their little hotel room, wherever they are. He decided to call again after the last fiasco he called; I was a little nicer that time.
Flashback
Hearing the phone ring once again, I gathered my thoughts and answered my cell phone, already retreating out of the door to my private spot with my journal to write for a little while and smiled, "Hello, would this perhaps be Isaac?"
"Yes�that would be correct."
"You know what? I'm sorry about the other night�"
"On your period?"
I was kind of shocked that he asked that one. It threw me off, "No�just upset about my Mom. She's been in the hospital for a while and she just got out."
"Oh�sorry about that. How's she doing now?"
"Tired is all," I smiled. I really did like talking to Isaac. I think a part of my heart still belonged to him regardless of the pain he's put me through. I'm stupid to let him know though�I just need to keep fantasizing about being his wife. That's what I need to do. Everything is perfect in our little dream worlds. I've been feeling very uninspired lately, maybe that's cause Isaac's out of my life, I was thinking.
"I've been feeling really down too."
"Really? Why?" I sat down in the same chair, sighing a breath of relief as I relished the fact that I was by myself again. The dark conquered the outdoors, just a window away. Gosh, how I wish I could grow wings and fly away into those dark clouds with the angels and become one with the sky�
See? With Isaac, I am a beautiful poet.
"I miss you."
My eyes suddenly diverted from the sky beyond the glass to the notebook, which was clinched in my left hand, and I couldn't believe my ears.
"You do?"
"Yes�I really do."
I didn't want to question it�but I have to question everything, "Why?"
"I miss just being around you�I didn't realize what I had until I lost you."
"Now you sound like a book," I slightly giggled to myself and I heard his small chuckle on the other side of the line, "Now can we hear what Clarke has to say about it?"
I always called him Clarke when I felt like he was being too storybook with me. It made me feel like he was more concrete, like he was actually a part of my life, not just a man I knew of on records.
"I know we didn't have a lot of time together and I never took the real chance on you�but I want to."
I paused lightly before I responded, "I'm afraid of getting hurt again."
He didn't respond. I don't think he knew either.
End Flashback
__________________________________
This time...this time will be different. I mean...it can't really get worse than what already happened, right? Right?
As I drove my car from Pittsburgh to the small residential towns surrounding, I got to thinking as I drove on how people didn't recognize me as much as they used to. I have really changed over the past few years of being in this business. It's Zac and Tay who got most of the autograph attention when we went out in public. I would definitely get some autographs, but these chicks go for my brothers too much. It's nice to have the downtime for once; I can live my own life the way I want to...except when the younger ones used to complain about how ugly I was with braces and frizzy hair.
Good Lord...get a grip. I was 16 then. You look the same way I used to.
I kept that chant up that this time it would be different. It wouldn't fall on its face like last time. I love her. I know I do. Sometimes I just doubt my abilities, you know, and it definitely sucks. Why do I have to torture myself like this?
I pulled into the parking lot of the Wal-Mart in Greensburg about an hour later. I got lost. How could you expect me not to? I mean...this is a confusing town. So many one-way roads and weird highways with way too many potholes for my comfort are way too much for me today.
But I'm going to see her again. I've been really anxious to see her. The way her hair whipped around her face almost freshly cut, the way her eyes stood out and looked so innocent when they looked at you in a particular way, the way she sang to every song on the radio...
There she is.
_______________________________________
I ran my hand through my freshly cut hair. It's about time. It was nice and short and curved around my face, just the way I wanted it. A little shorter than I originally wanted, but it'll grow out in no time. But I flipped it around with my hand as I got out of Denise's car and smiled, humming "Smile Like You Mean It" and raising my hands in the air. God I love that song already and I only heard it once. B-E-A-Utiful I thought to myself as I turned around and laughed at my roomies laughing at my stupidity.
Wal-mart runs are God. Don't you deny it.
I turned around about to go in the door feeling like someone might be following me. Clint was working in the booth down at the Get-Go and I figured I'd torture him with how sexy my hair looked. Doubt he could see me from his cubicle down there, but I was living it up. It's spring, time to come back alive. But walking through the produce section, I felt eyes on me.
"Hey�some guy's following us," Andrea looked at us, a little paranoid about it.
"I'm sure he's harmless," I turned around and I saw him. Isaac. Here. Now�
