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Mine
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In My Words
All Writings on this page are Property of Kat Marie, me. I like to show whats on my mind on paper by writing, drawing, or painting to help get my feelings out. I feel the words of a person in love or sarrow are truly the words from you'r heart. So let you'r words out there! Show you'r feelings.The Path
Walked this path many times knowing you were beside me,
But then our paths strayed away from eachother
As did we
All I wanted was to stay
To walk with you
But I had to let go of your hand
No longer to walk beside you
Had to let you go becouse I love you
Wanted to no longer slow you down
Even thowe my heart crys
Even when I fall to the ground screaming you'r name
Wanting to find my way back to you
Our Path is no more to be found
Not a grounded dirt rode, nor pathed in gold
We walked a path that is nowhere to be found
Had to let you go
Had to die on my path
Water
I clouse my eyes as I drift away
I am so warm under my covers
Yet I let my fingers graze across the chilled window
The stars are out tonight shining ever so bright
shining for me
I keep watch of them stars till my eyes no longer wish to see
for tears are now streaming down my cheeks
my vision is blurry so I close my eyes
I roll to my side and hug my blanket as I drift away
I dift away from this time, this moment in my life
I am now under water
drowning in my tears, in my sorrow
I open my eyes and see the deep sea around me
my tears are enough to drowned me
but I do not care
It is my dream
I open my mouth and take in the salty water
I let it take over me
and take me under
I let the sea take me
Pull me into a better place
I open my eyes again and see that the water surrounds me
there is no end
One would think to be down so deep
would be cold
But not here this is my dream and I am worm
I keep sinking deeper but I do not fear
Fore this is my time
I dont want to see dry land again
finally I try to move but I can't
I am now so cold
I am still sinking
I can't move, no where to go
I am not dreaming
Oh God I did jump
I am dieing
I am alone and drowning
My body is dead but I can still see
my vision now is getting blurry
I close my eyes and all I feel the water pulling me deeper
My body twitches
......
Waiting
Where are you?
I thought you'd be here,
but you're not.
I looked around as I waited.
Everything became so,
dark, such pity...
I felt sluggish as I was standing...
Hoping to see you,
as time passes.
The rain depressly fell...
I waited, waited,
and waited...
I felt tears as they fell...
...slightly fading through the rain above.
... How idiotic of me.
Worth
soulless ...
��empty shell ...
�����nothing ...
��������worthless ...
yeah...��� that's what I am,
not worth����loving,
not worth�����keeping,
not worth����saving,
not of������his worth...
To Cry
Why dose my heart cry
I must not shed tears any more.
To cry for a man that has no feelings for you is to waists tears.
Tears that shale no longer cry for sadness but for joy.�
The hurt shale no longer be here deep inside me.
My heart still carries the love but along with the hurt
sometimes I don't makes sense but that's just me
Remains
What do you do when you dont want to go on
I look out my window everyday
I go for a walk everynight
I walk in the woods and fall to the forest floor
I look to the night sky as tears flowe from my green eyes
... heart is in pain
... body is shivering
... eyes hurting
... soul is gown
Like an empty shell that was a girl
The remanes of a woman with a broken heart
Is that all I am
I am not what I was
For now I am new and broken
Was not ready to fall
Not ready to die
Gothic Angel
She stood up and looked towards the sky one more time.
She wiped her tears away;
Never again will she cry for him or anyone.
She walked away, the rain pouring around.
She looked like a gothic angel with such sad eyes .
A being that can�t be touched, something unattainable.
In Sorrow
Why is there a thing called love in this life of mine,
If love can be so giving and so painful,
The contradictory of love,
Why is it that love gives and takes,
Brings joy and sorrow,
Is it true to be in love is to know pain,
What is the point of love if it hurts us so,
Is it because everyone needs love, why,
I dont understand anymore,
But I do know this,
No matter how much it can hurt,
I will remain in love.
Show Me
Show me there is no such thing as love
Prove to me that its not real
Show me that what we had is gown
Prove to me that it never was
Show me how you really feel
Prove to me that I am no longer wanted
Show me that we are not to be
Prove to me that we were not for real
Show me that you dont love me
Prove to me that there is no such thing
A Place to Call Home
The sky was still dark and the morning air cold. I was just 16 years old then, small, scared, and lost. I pulled the blanket tightly around my small form as I barred my head under the pillow trying to cover up the loud sound of the infernal alarm clock. I knew today, like everyday sense I came here was going to be another day in my purgatory. The old brass alarm clock, with it�s bells ringing non-stop was still making that tuneless annoying sound that would make anyone�s blood curdle, was now telling me it was not going to stop till I got myself up out of the safe warmth of the bed to kill it.
Now realizing I had lost the daily battle with that damned alarm clock I slowly released my grip on my pillow and let it fall to the floor. As I sat up, placing my now cold feet onto the floor, I took that clock into my hands and slowly walked to the dresser, I then tossed the still ringing clock into one of the drawers, giving the clock a proper barrel within the dresser.
Now free from the ringing of the alarm clock, I walked back to the bed and picked up Katie, my plush black kitten, and warped my arms around it. Nuzzling the plush lifeless kitten that maid me forget all my pain for the moment I held it. I walked over to the large window in the room and slowly pulled its long weight lace curtains aside, as if I were deriding the view on the other side. I peered out the window to the view that was not mine.
My view was that from a small window on the second floor of a townhouse, a view of a playground with its swings and slides surrounded by large evergreen trees, the view from my widow in my home back in Virginia. As I looked out the window seeing a snow covered field full of horses with its backdrop being mountains surrounded by clouds. I remember I am not in my room, I am not in my home, I am not with my family.
Placing a hand onto the window I slide it open, colder icy air now filling the room and surrounding my shivering body. I climbed onto the window seal with my legs hanging on the other side, leaning my back against the wall still clinging to the kitten in my arms, I look out to the tall mountains wile taking in a deep breath of the cool winter air.
�Another day in purgatory, another day away from my home, my family. I thought I would wake up in my bed back home and see that the past two weeks were all a bad dream but it�s not a dream. I am here in Utah, no I am in hell.� I said to the kitten Katie in my arms as a tear rolled down my face. Looking into the plush kitten�s glass eyes I seemed to be waiting for a reply from the plush, a reply that would never come.
�I don�t know why I tell you all the things on my mind Katie, it�s not like you could understand, you�re not real, you�re not alive. Yet you still manage to make me happy. You remind me of home.� Nuzzling my face into Katie�s soft plush body to wipe my tears away, I claimed off the window seal. With Katie in my left arm as I shut the window with the other. I walked over to the bed and placed Katie on the center of the bed. Bending down I placed a small child-like kiss on her pink plastic nose.
�Hita! Are you still sick? Do you need to stay home? You know you should stay home if you are sick. You have been sick for a week and you wont stay home? Most girls your age would stay home and get some rest if they are sick.� Yelled Marie, my Grandma Gonzales, my biological father�s mother. She was on the other side of the bedroom door. I plopped myself back onto the bed face first at the sound of her screaming. I had already silenced that damned alarm clock but I knew that there was no way to silence her. I knew she did not want me there in her home. The only reason she ever acted nice to me was when my Grandpa Gonzales was there. She did not like having a Irish girl in her home.
�No it�s ok Grandma Gonzales. I am fine, I can go to school.� I jumped up and ran to the trash-bag I used to put all my belongings from home in. Pulling out a pair of leather pants, with silver chains strapped in a criss-cross on each leg that would make a clanking sound with each step I took when I walked, along with my black tee that had the words �Bad Kitty� in silver rime-stones across the fount. She hated the way I dressed. Everyone in her family always said I looked like a child of the devil, and that was far from who I was.�I just need to get dressed and brush my hair and teeth then I will go.�
�Oh, ok hita.� She replied in a screechy voice as she slowly walked away from the bedroom door, the floor creaking behind her.
�And the day starts.� I pulled the shirt over my head as I walked over to the door. I placed my hand on the cold door knob and then turned quickly to face Katie on the bed. Letting go of the door knob I ran over to Katie and took her into my arms only to turn around again and go out the door. I looked down to the dark wood floor as I slowly walked down the cold hall with Katie in my arms. My chin was resting on her plush head as I walked into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me as I walked over to the sink. Looking in the mirror I saw that my eyes were still watery, I lifted my hand to the cold metal of the medicine cabinet and opened it. Peering in I saw lots of small bottles of medication, I had no clue what sort they were but instantly a thought crossed my mind and before I knew what I was doing I slipped one of the small bottle into my sleeve and I was walking down the hall back to the room, shutting the door behind me.
�I am sorry Katie, I know its my own flat I am here. But I wanted to meet my biological father, I had not seen him since I was fore years old and I thought I wanted to meet him and his family.� Looking into Katie�s green glass eyes I knew what she would be thinking if she were real and could understand me. She would call me a cowered for wanting to do what it looked like I was about to do.
I walked over to the bed and from under it I pulled out a small peace of red cloth, but it was not the silk cloth that was so important it was the item it protected. With the item wrapped in the silk in one hand and Katie in the other arm I walked over to the window ounce more. I opened the cold window only to let more colder morning winter air in the room ounce more. Then like before I sat myself on the window seal, my back to the wall and my right leg hanging out the window with my right leg still in the room.
�Katie I just don�t know what to do. I am not strong enough for this.� A tear rolled down my flushed pink cheek as I placed Katie in front of me on the window seal, behind her I placed the bottle that was hidden in my sleeve and in front of her I placed that hidden item. A knife. �The thing is I am not strong enough for life but I am I strong enough for this Katie? Am I strong enough to take my own life?� I said this with tears streaming down my cheeks only to have them freeze just as soon as the cold winter air hit them.
�It�s so cold Katie, I can�t take it. Not just the air but my body my heart is freezing, the loneliness, the pain. But you would not know of pain would you? You don�t know what it�s like! To have to suffer! To know you had brought it all a pawn your self! Do you?! Do you Katie?! No you don�t.� I picked up the medicine bottle and tried to open it. �This damned thing wont open. I can�t do a damn thing right.� Now fed up with the bottle I threw it to the floor. I then picked up the knife. Opening the blade looking at my reflection within the silver blade, the deep green eyes. Eyes that were always a deep blue that only turned green when my heart aced, my eyes showing my hurt my pain.
�This will do it. You know Katie my stepfather gave my this knife as a gift. Well what a gift indeed, it will free me.� Placing the knife on my wrist, feeling the coldness of the blade against my skin made me quiver. �It�s so cold, Katie.� I said in a shacking meek voice as my tears streamed down my face, falling to my wrist in a small puddle. A puddle of clear tears not blood. �I can�t even do this right. Can�t even take my own life.� I looked past the blade on my flesh and looked to Katie, seeing the reflection of my wrist in her glass eyes, I feared the reflection.
�That�s not me. It can�t be me that you are looking at. Are you trying to show me something?� I dropped the blade as I took Katie into my arms. Clinging so tightly to this plush kitten. �Thank you Katie, you saved me. You�re not even alive and yet you, a plush kitten, a nonliving object have showed me what I could not see on my own. That to be strong is to live, not die, so I must be somewhat strong. Thank you Katie.� I hugged my Katie tightly as my tears dried away and then I went back to bed.
'Grandma Gonzales, I am sick. I am going to stay here and get some rest. I am ill.' Said the note on the bedroom door. Within the room I was in the bed wrapped up, cuddling to Katie, and fast asleep.
Layout Credits/Copyrights/Disclaimer
This layout and others to have past are by
© Neko no' Baka ~2003-2005~