In My Words Everyday
May 4th,2005
Hearing:"Pro-Test" by By Skinny Puppy
Feeling: optimistic
"Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Barbara,
You've been here before, but now you want to push through the issues so you don't have to be here again. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to your dilemma. Your key planet, Pluto, is being annoyed by the needs of romantic Venus. You might have love in a form that you don't want or you want love in a form that you cannot get. Either way, the dissatisfaction will ease by Friday without any action on your part."
I hope I will feel better, and what better day to feel better then friday?... lol if only it were that easy 
Hahahaha, why is it everytime I read my Horoscope it is always always right?!
Is it like that with you?
~litioning to "Pro-Test"~
May 3rd,2005
Hearing:"Dreams" by By The Cranberries
Feeling: crushed
"Dear Barbara,
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, May 3:
Still dreaming about white picket fences and kids playing in the yard with a golden retriever? Well, good for you. We all need to have our dreams. The good news is that yours is entirely possible now. Go get it. "
This is not fare!!!! Not Fare at all!
My Dreams will never come true! For one happy moment in my life I was truly happy. I fell in love. I fell hard. And now after being rejected by the one person I care so much about in this world in this way, I can't get up. I have been try'n hard. Doing things to keep myself busy, reading self-help books, spending more time with my best friend.
~listioning to the song "Dreams"~
The truth is...
I may look well, seem like I am take'n things well, happy-go-lucky. In truth it's all a "mask".
Heather knows about my "mask" I have downed it before. I use it to make people think I am fine, so noone worries about me. Just setting it strate, letting you all know. I mean I know he never wanted to hurt me, I am not mad at him. All he wants is for me to be happy, to not get hurt... oh, gods I hate crying.. I was doing fine the past two days but now its all come'n back. I just don't know what to do.
Life is afterall a Masquerade, Full of what seem to be happy faces till the tears soke the mask that can no longer hide the truth...
April 28th, 2005
"Forever Your's"
By Nightwish
Reading:He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
By Greg Behrendt
Feeling: rejected
[1:21 AM]Well in the aftermath of my being dumped and the aftermath evints that came to pass the next day I was out most the day yesterday with my best friend Heather (heather I luv you!)
Anywho.. I told her all the things on my mind and that have been happening to me (she is the only one I tell everything to ^_^) And well she told me to read her book "He's just not that into you"
I felt sort of crushed that I had to read this book. But it makes sence. Hartbrake sucks.. I know this, and to come to the realization that 'he's just not into you' is what I have to hear, hurts. But hey it's true -.-;;;
The chapters that got to me most thus far are... 3.) .. if he's not dating you, and 8) .. if he's braking up with you. Thats the story of my life as of now... fuck!
April 25, 2005
"Forever Your's"
By Nightwish
Feeling: numb
[3:26 PM]Ok how do I start...
Last night my boyfriend and I broke up. err he dumped me.. don't matter.
I guess what I am saying is if I seem diffrent then I am sorry. Not much I can do right now. Why we broke up when I thoght we were so happy? I don't quite know myself but out of what I know I would rather not say. Long story that should not be told or repeated. So um yeah. Well to my friends that took the time to read this and/or post I thank you. My weekends will most likely be free so yeah if you want to hang out call me. Something anything to get my mind woundering. Thank you Heather and Ben whom I have already talked with and are trying to help me threw this..
April 16h,2005
Cats (1982 Original Broadway Cast)By Andrew Lloyd Webber
Feeling: sleepy
[3:39 AM]wow I can not sleep...
I was at my cuz'ens last night and I was talking with her all night about relationships and such.. She was drinking something.. some sort of beer I guess. And she got me some sort of stwraberry whine (cant spell)...
Well I got so drunk.. I did not mean to drink it all!!!
I fell asleep at her house and when I woke up the next day I had such a bad hangover..I think.. Then again it was my first ever. Oh man.. I don't want to drink again for a long time...
Well on another note. My boss called me last night and told me that I did not have to come in this weekend.. that she had to cut back time for emplo* to work.. she cut back times on myself and two other people.. we are the people in the store that work all the time, come in when asked to, and the only ones that cover other peoples shifts even when it means pulling a 2X shift >.< she said her boss, the DL, said we were getting overtime too much! Well he will see what will happen when the store gos down the shit hole after this!
man I need to sleep!
April 12th,2005
Hearing:Century Child By Nightwish
Feeling: annoyed
[10:06 PM]this is a convo btwn my friend and I about what happe'n
ravensfan[9:20 PM]: hey el barbara
Nekos Tears [9:20 PM]: hey hey hey
Nekos Tears [9:21 PM]: what you up to?
ravensfan[9:21 PM]: just woke up
Nekos Tears [9:21 PM]: mew? just now?
ravensfan[9:22 PM]: yes, because I was tied and came home at 8 and took an hour nap
Nekos Tears [9:23 PM]: oh!!! oks, I have been at work from 9am till 9pm tonight
ravensfan[9:23 PM]: where at?
Nekos Tears [9:23 PM]: blockbusters.... -.-
ravensfan[9:24 PM]: oh u still work there
ravensfan[9:24 PM]: thats cool
Nekos Tears [9:26 PM]: more like Cockbusters! I was being stalked
ravensfan[9:26 PM]: really
ravensfan[9:26 PM]: was it one of my men
ravensfan[9:26 PM]: or some unknown
Nekos Tears [9:26 PM]: some guy with mental probs has been following me for the past few days
Nekos Tears [9:26 PM]: someone ya dont know
ravensfan[9:27 PM]: oh if he has mental problems he is one of my guys
ravensfan[9:27 PM]: dont mind him
Nekos Tears [9:27 PM]: he comes into the store if he sees i am there and follows me around trying to talk to me, he cant even talk right
ravensfan[9:27 PM]: sike lol, why is he following you?
Nekos Tears [9:27 PM]: i dont know
ravensfan[9:27 PM]: really
ravensfan[9:27 PM]: wow
Nekos Tears [9:28 PM]: today my store m.o.d told me to hide in the big drop box!
Nekos Tears [9:28 PM]: and i did -.-;;;
Nekos Tears [9:28 PM]: it was funny
ravensfan[9:28 PM]: lol
ravensfan[9:28 PM]: u should call the police or tell him to leave u alone
Nekos Tears [9:29 PM]: i told him before if he comes in and trys to follow me or talks to me again that i will call 5-0
Nekos Tears [9:30 PM]: then he told me he had written me some poems of 'love'
ravensfan[9:30 PM]: oh well blockbuster needs some security guards
Nekos Tears [9:30 PM]: well we have one for blockbusters/ track atto/ shoppers from 4- 12
Nekos Tears [9:30 PM]: but the guy always comes b4 then
ravensfan[9:31 PM]: hmm, well then police need to be involved
Nekos Tears [9:31 PM]: yeah -.-;;;
ravensfan[9:31 PM]: but isnt kinda hott having someone who wants u that bad to stalk you
Nekos Tears [9:32 PM]: this is the 4th time this has happened to me
Nekos Tears [9:32 PM]: and one time was a girl!!!!
ravensfan[9:32 PM]: wow thats soo awesome
ravensfan[9:32 PM]: girls stalking girls
Nekos Tears [9:32 PM]: no its-not
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: its nuts
ravensfan[9:33 PM]: yea i wish a girl would stalk me
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: and scary O.o
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: no-ya-dont
ravensfan[9:33 PM]: yes I do
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: haha
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: well i am stalking you...
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: online
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: that is mwahahaha
Nekos Tears [9:33 PM]: j/k
Nekos Tears [9:52 PM]: MeOw MiX!!!!
ravensfan[9:52 PM]: that shit is good
ravensfan[9:52 PM]: u ever eaten that
Nekos Tears [9:52 PM]: nope O.o;; what do ya take me fore , a cat!?
ravensfan[9:53 PM]: yes I do
Nekos Tears [9:53 PM]: lol
March 27th, 2005
Hearing: Soundtrack to Nightmare Before Christmas
Feeling: cheerful!
[7:18pm] Happy Easter!... even thow I don't fallow this day like I used to. Anywho... Not much happend today just dinner with my family and Grandma. I found out I have day-shift all this week. thats a good thing, maybe I can go to 'sabins' and spend some more time with him. Well I am going to go for now, enjoy a good green apple smernoff ice and watch Nightmare Before Christmas then Finding Neverland with my family.
March 22nd, 2005
Hearing: some sweet words in my memory
Feeling: cheerful!
[2:02 am] Well the day before yesterday (the20th), I took my brother, sister, and mom to see Robots. Robots was a fun film and I would not mind seeing it again. Then after we all got back home I watched the movie "Finding Neverland" with my mother It was also a very good movie I loved how it was filmed and the acting of Mr. Depp was 100%. I wanted to watch it with 'Sabin' however he was not feeling too well.
And yesterday (21st), I ran some arrends with my family. We stoped over to Petco to get my brother a bigger shell for his hermit crab, he has had that thing scence chrismas! Anywho we walked around looking at all the pets and then I saw her... A cute small black gerbil! I had to have her! I grabed a cart and stocked it up! I returned home with a mid-sized cage, bedding, food, toys, a-roll-a-round-ball, and my 'lil one Kiya. She is so cute, like a 'lil mouse with a long tail, and at the tip of her 'lil tail is a cluster of fur. ^_^ so cute!
Well, i better get to bed now. I have to be into work at 11am but at least I will get out at 7pm... -.- I must keep working ...so... sleepy... now...
I hope I will be able to visit 'Sabin' today after work...
March 16th, 2005
Hearing: "Rum Tum Tugger" from 'Cats'
Feeling: cheerful and sleepy
Wow I have finally Gotten my computer back up. I don't know what happened to it. I was reading a Phan-fic and my screen froze, turned black, then turned back on however the image on my screen rotated 90 degrees O.o.. I then proceeded to turn my point of view 90 degrees to try and see how I could fix it. Then at this same time I accidentally pressed a auto-fix butten that in turn shut my computer down and I could not get any image back. So just the other night I asked my friend Cherry's Father how I could go in manuly under 'safemode' to fix it, now it is fixed! Lastnight I changed my whole layout and added some new info. So much has happened in my life sence my computer whent ka-put. I have never been so happy in all my life! Just before this past christmas I met up with an old high school acuantence 'Sabin' We then started hanging out and spending time together. Now we are together! I don't think he realizes how much I truly care for him. But in time, goddess willing we will see how we go. I have maid mistakes in the past with whome I give my heart to and I don't want to ever do that again, no more mistakes. Good thing is I am happy with him. Moreso, with the time I have spent with him I have met up with other old friends of mine and his that I have not seen in years. We do many things together. Go to the mall, out to eat, game... game being D & D and now Cyberpunk aswell! Yay me!
January 9th, 2005
Hearing:none
Feeling: cheerful
ok ok I am at my cuz'ens house and my comp has gown ca'put so now what? I have been spending alot more of my free time with a clouse 'friend' of mine now everywhere I look I see babys O.o''' and now my aunt (fyi my aunt well everytime she dreams of a new baby it means someone in my family ends up having a new baby) well just two days ago she told my cuz'en she deamed that someone, one of the younger girls in owr family had a baby... *looks at self, falls over all anime like* yeah so ..... well scery thing is she is always ALWAYS right!!!! but well I guess its all ok, I mean I always saw myself having kids at a young age. and at least the one I am seeing wants kids so.. all will be well if that is what is in store...
January 1st, 2005
Hearing:"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morsette
Feeling: lonely
[1:50pm]The first day of the new year and I feel like shit. I was so happy yesterday, even at work. Then it all just fell apart. blaw. Ended up gpong to a lame wunna-be party. Would have been ok but I did not get a kiss at midnight, seemed like everyone els did. oh well. I just hope what thay say about 'how you spend your new years eve is how you'r new year is going to be' is not true. And I do not get to drink too often but when I do I am known for being a silly happy drunk. But last night I was a depressed drunk acting happy. I am never drinking if I am sad again.
[2:52pm]Truth be told. I did not drink much of anything last night. I had two sips of champain and one Coors light (i think its coors?) Any who... yet I still felt bad about it. A'lil out of it. I don't like to drink unless someone I truly trust is with me. My best friend was with me but still. Don't know. I have to start my way to work at about 4:15. So I think I am going to go and get ready. Man why do I feel so upset, I just don't get it.
December 31st, 2004
Hearing:"When I Grow Up" by Garbage
Feeling: Hyper Yay!!!
[2:51pm]1.Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold/underline the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold/underline is false.
4. Add one about yourself at the end.
01.
I miss somebody right now
02.
I don't watch much TV these days
03.
I love olives
04.
I love sleeping
05.
I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07.
I love to play video games
09.
I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11.
I've had psycho-ex in a past relationship
12.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13.
I have acne free skin. (for the most part)
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15.
I curse frequently
16.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17.
I have a hobby
18.
I've been told I can suck the chromes off a trailer hitch.
19. I carry my lighter everywhere with me
at times
20.
I'm really, really smart at times. (And also really, really dumb at times
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23.
I LOVE the rain when football comes around
24.
I'm paranoid at times
25.
I own a 90's pop CD
26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28.
I talk really, really fast sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30.
I have long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32.
I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a big city
34.
I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis (why does gender matter? I shave it all)
35. I have a twin
36.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38.
I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I have brown eyes
41.
I am usually pessimistic
42.
I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45.
I have cheated on a test
46.
I have a hidden talent
47.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48.
I think that I'm funny
49. I am currently single :(
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53.
I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my online journal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59.
I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62.
I have a cell phone
63.
I believe in God/dess
64. I watch MTV/Vh1 on a daily basis.
65.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. (didn't really pass out though)
66.
I love drama!!!(no, but it sure seems like it sometimes...)
67.
I have never been in a real romantic relationship before
68.
I've rejected someone before
69.
I currently have a crush on or am in love with someone
70.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71.
I want to have children in the future
72.
I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77.
I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80.
I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I am online 24/7, even as an away message
82.
I have at least 5 away messages saved
83.
I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the South Park movie.
86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88.
I enjoy some country music (blue grass)
89.
I want to beat britney spears with a rock for over an hour
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92.
I'm obsessive, anal retentive
, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story" close 96.
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98.
I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment
100.
I was born in the 80s but I am truly a child of the 90s (WTF does this even mean?)
101.I haven't showered in two days. . . and I like it.
102.I'd rather be in Germany than anywhere else.
103.I�m obsessed with getting manicures/pedicures
104.
I want to visit Italy either for the first time or again
105.
I'm one of those types who is easily amused; the stupidest of things can make me laugh.
106.
I have cried in the last week
107.I have flirted with someone I didn't like just to get something out of it.
108.I like at least three British Comedy TV Shows
109.
I've lived in one place for more than 10 years
110.
I have overslept and missed my classes
111.
I've been on TV
112.
I listen to music no matter what I am doing
113.
I yell at the tv
114.I miss being homeless
115.I am obsessed with WB dramas
116.
I was in a situation where I almost died.
117.I think that Burger King has the best burgers
118.I still love my ex
119.I voted.
120.I'm really shy around the same sex sometimes.
121.I am partially gay and very much proud of who I am
122.
I�ll sing no matter where I am or who I�m with
123.
People generally confuse me.
124.I'm a stoner and proud
125.
I'm in love.
126.
I am really mad at someone right now but will probably get over it...maybe
127.
I love someone that will never appreciate how much I care for them (or at least it feels that way)
128.I want to be somewhere else right now more than anything in the world
129.I love Al Green and George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic
130.I love downloading illegal music
131.
I have the best friends in the entire world (for the most part)
132.I love my car more than life itself
133.I'm part of American University Class of 2009. (because THAT applies to a lot of ppl...)
134.
I like the way black nailpolish looks.
135.
I love using the word "ya'll".
136.I play a musical instrument and enjoy it
137.
I'm dead sexy, and conceited.
138.
I would like a new life at some points.
139.Anything would be better than this right now.
140.Some one has chosen Halo over me
141.I have never been in a physical fight.
142.
I have [written / am writing / am planning on writing] a book.
143.
I believe in Fate.
144.I have been told, "say my name" during sex, and couldn't remember what it was
145.
I have been so drawn into an anime character that i even fantasized about them
[3:05pm] A new year for a new woman... girl... I don't know. I still have my plushies and I will never let them go!!! However... I am growing up. It is nice to feel like a woman. I am happy now. The only problem I have is not knowing what I am doing tonight for New Years eve. My Friend Cherry and cuz'en 'Skyler" what me to drop by his party and say hey, at least make a scene. However I am suposed to be getting picked up by (or 'kidnaped') by Sabin. I don' know what will come along tonight. I don't want to drink but if I do it will only be champain or something to that effect. Well new year, I did not think I would make it to greet you but here I come. I am ready, bring it on! Cheers to the new year, new life, new me!
December 29, 2004
Hearing:"Phantom of the Opera"- cover by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies
Feeling: o.o;;;
[posted 1:17 pm on dec 31] I saw it!!! The Phantom of the Opera!!! Oh My god! I was blowen away. the music, acting, singing... the phantom... I hate Roule if I were Christine I would have stayed with Eric the Phantom. He loved her. He loved her so much he was willing to let her go. Even after she left with Roule, Eric still forever kept his loving eyes on her. Always watching, Always Missing her. When the Movie Ended I cry'ed my eyes out. Everyone in the theater hurd me...
December 29, 2004
Hearing: Linkin Park Songs
Feeling: alive
[[6:01am] Fore the past two weeks I have changed so much for the better, my life is starting to feel like it is worth living now. I am eating well, and yet still fitting a size 1,lol. I have been spending more time with my friend Cherry , time with my family, and time with my new-found friend "Sabin". Sabin and I have gotten along verywell and he makes me happy to be me ^_^! It's nice to have someone around that makes you feel that your worth is beyond all els ^_^!!! I still do drink but it is very rare. Only with a large gathering of friends that I trust, props to you Cherry and Sabin!!! At work I am getting a rase, taking classes and getting a promotion! the only problem I have as of yet is that my feet are cold O.o;;; Life is well! This chistmas was not as harsh as I thoght it was going to be. I spent the night of christmas with two very good friends, maybe moreso. Cherry Sabin *hugs* On christmas I got...
1) Sesshoumaru Plushie
2) Miroku Plushie
3) A black/red furry jack-it from hot Topic
4) The Brawdway Cast Recording of "Phantom of the Opera" 2-disk set w/ booklet
5) A cool strechy black fether scarf
6) Sesshoumaru Action figuer in collectors box
7) Bath salts/spung/stuff stuff
Fore Christmas I got everyone a gift! Here is the List
1* Jesse; A Pikachu' ps2-"FFVII", Yu Yu Hakusho Tee, DBZ Tee
2* Becca; A Pikachu, ps2- "Kingdom Hearts", Hello Kitty Slipers, A fishnet canopee for her bed
3* Mom; A nice simi-fishnet black long sleve shirt, A Halmarke "Mom" keepsake Heart Locket
4* Grandma; A Microwave
5* Uncel; A rocket, from his childhood
6* Aunt; A silk nightgown, A Pixy candy dish
7* Vinny; Martini glass set
8* Sandara; A glass windchime that says 'sex' in Kanji, A silver braclet
9* Misty; Ivy wall candel holder
10* Shun; Fleece Pants
11* Cherry; "Queen of the Damed" soundtrack, Glass windcime that says 'fetish' in Kanji(just like mine).. will get her something els aswell
12* Sabin; Nightmarrer Befor Christmas Glass set, will get him something els aswell
13* Tina my boss and celtic wiccan mother lol; Silver celtic knot braclet (she loved it!)
14* My new Uncel Bob; Stecen colon(sp)
15* Misty's kids; race car, and two my little pony's
December 17th, 2004
Hearing: Nothing
Feeling: omg
[9:20am] I have just gotten in from work today. I worked from 8:45pm last night till 9:15am today O.o.. I feel so dead... At work last night my boss Tina gave me my christmas gift!!! She got me "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" collectors boxed set of 5 dvds and jewl box. I was shocked! I wanted so much to just sit there and cry. Well also last night we worked all night till morning meaning I am dead tired so I am going to sleep.
December 16, 2004
Hearing:"Angel of Music" from Phantom of the Opera"
Feeling: glad
[1:55am]Well today was my day off work. I was at the mall getting some last moment christmas shopping done. I then ran into an old friend of mine, I had not seen her in souch a long time. She gave me her # so we could start hanging out like old times ^_^.. Then I ran into someone that I saw but did not know from high school. I always saw him in the halls and we hung out with the same people sort of but I did not know anything about him, lol. Well now we are friends ^_^ I love making friends!!!! Anywho now for christmas I got my brother and sister a pikachu (each), the ps2 Inuyasha game. Got my sister hello kitty slippers, and I still need to get something els for my brother. However my shopping for them is far from over. I do that alot just randomly bye something for someone I love ^_^. Then I finaly found it!!! I got 1989 Robert Englands "Phantom of the Opera" dvd today! and I also got myself another copie of the book becouse I left my other phantom book in Savannah -.-;;;
December 10, 2004
Hearing:"Learn to be Lonely" by Minnie Driver
Feeling: lost..
[6:19am]ok first I come to find out my cuz'en that found out she was preggy, well she lost the baby, she did not even want the baby iI think... and then I find out that my aunts having her wedding today! >.< god-damn, she dont even wanna merry the guy! >.< what the fuck is going on around me!!! teaptation.. pain.. crying.. dieing.. lie'ing to myself... I cant .. no.. I told myself no more fucking crying, I cry to much.
Oh my god.. I see it.. He is the phantom in a way. I mean the parts just play. girl of light, man of dark. thay loved and lost and both lost it. I mean god damn I love the story but this is just too out there even for me. Its like my life is the story playing over. In my life we find the cast. And in my life I find the love that is no more. The love that just cant be kept. That drives you mad. I think I am lousing it. reality mixed with the story I wanted..
December 10, 2004
Hearing:"Candy Man"(lolliepop) by Aqua
Feeling: loopy
[2:11am]Well last night I was not online because I was hanging out with some friends of mine. It was so funny we were so board that we ended up driving around rich peoples home that had pumpkins STILL in there yards, I mean these people had christmas stuff up in there yeards and still had pupkins! so we took a stand and took there pumpkins!!! mwahaha!!!! We took there pumpkins and later threw them out of the car window in the rich peeps streets ^_^ Then we dorve around abd stoped at rich peoples frount yeards and nocked down there hot-air santas, homers, and snowmen. i was like... "you guys need to grow up" but truth is it was fun. Then later we met up with my cuz'en and my best friend and ate at dinnys. then later later went to my cuz'ens house and thay listoned as I read Anne rice books aloude to them. I felt like as if I were adishioning for a part in a play ^_^... What a night!
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December 07, 2004
Hearing:"Goodbye to you" by M. Branch
Feeling: lost, sort of sad
[3:11am]Ok I stoped the smoking pot, said no many times, have no erge to do it again, aswell as the drinking... however I after so long of not doing it... I cut myself again tonight... I was taking a bath and I was half asleep did not even really know what I was doing. I thoght I was dreaming, felt like the whole world fazed out on me. and them I put my arms under water and felt it burn then after second looking and seeing the blood mixed with water ounce I lifted my arm back out of the water I then realized what I did. It was so surreal. I did not cut deep and I know it will heal fast like the other time. I hate it when I do that. I know I was asleep , I was dreaming... remembering, then I just took my safty pin and did it... I always have a safty pin with me, even at work. i chew on it alot and sometimes I just hold it between my teath to keep my teeth from chattering when I am upset.
[2:59pm]Sometimes I feel so alone in my sorrows. Then every now and then I get a reminder that i'm not.
So if you feel alone and I am on line just talk to me.
I have to go to work now till 12:30am or 1am.. I will be back.
December 06, 2004
Hearing:"Remember Me This Way"
Feeling: lost
[1:42am]Ok my maniger at my job, Tina, wants me to go with her this spring or this summer to Savannah. Her and I were talking yesterday at work about Savannah, how she visits there alot and how I used to live there with my ex. She said that Savannah is such a lovly place full of so much that I should not have left a place like that on a bad note. So in turn she wants to take me there with her to see Savannah the way it is suposed to be. For all the wounders the city is. Ha! we were both talking about River Street and the 'layline' there. At River Street there is this spot you stand at and you feel so alone. Everyone elses voces feels drowned out and all you really hear is your eccoh. She also wants me to see alot more tihing like the layline there. I realy want to go back but the thing is.... will it hurt? Knowing who els will be just down the street?
December 06, 2004
Hearing:"So Fine" By Seether
Feeling: Upset
[1:10am]My cuz'en, one of my many, lost her baby. She was suposed to be like 11 or 12 weeks but when she went to the doctors she was only like 5 weeks. My mother ounce lost a baby like that. I was real young only 5 years old. My mom and I later found out her baby was suposed to be a girl so I just refer to the lost baby as Angel. My cuz'en however... She is not even upset that she lost the baby, she never even wanted the child. I mean what the fuck! When I had first found out she was preggy I was so jealous. I was with my ex at the time and I one day wanted to have a child with him, But SHE ended up being the next girl in the family to be gifted. I dont get it. I am a good person. Yeah I fuck up sometimes but I have come past all that. I just dont understand it... I hate feeling this way.
December 04, 2004
Hearing:"nothing"
Feeling: fuck off!
[4:47am]I just watched this movie called 'Love Accually' (sorry can't spell x_x) And now I am just mad... I mean love should be like that. something that no one can plan on, stop, or even fully understand. But we all end up feeling it at one point in our lives, and if you'r lucky you keep love. I however was fucked. I fould love and lost it. Go figuer. Love sucks ass!!!! Love hurts and panes you. It's no good. It is like a drug!!!! Good wile you'r on it and bad when it's gown! I fucking hate love!!!!! Why can't it just fucking leave me alone!!!!
December 03, 2004
Hearing:"She Talks to Angels" by Black Crows"
Feeling:gerrr
[3:19pm]I getting ready for work now, the only reason I hold down this job now is to help my mother pay the bills and have mouny for christmas for my brother and sister... I work from 5pm till about 1am tonight, so I wont be back online till then.
I have gotten almost everyones gift already. But still have a few left to get. I was in the mall the other day and saw something i wanted so much to get for someone but I stoped myself. It would probly just end up in his trash anyways... not my place anymore.
November 23rd, 2004
Hearing: Them Song to "Boondock Saints" and Flogging Molly
Feeling: blaw
[added nov 24th] Well Today nov 23rd. I wanted to go on a quest of friendship! I wanted to find some old friends of mine. I walked up the path in frount of a house I had not seen in quite some time. I reached for the gate and as my hand reacheed that gate the frount door opened. My old long time friend ... Lets call him Dale (becouse he and I used to watch nascar and my fave driver is Dale Jr) Dale had ran up to me at the gate as I walked into the yard, I ran up and gave him a hug I had not seen him in such a long time. We went into his house and talked for such a long time catching up on life. I told him why I had disapreered last christmas and he told me that he was asking my cuz'n where I had gone. lol. We talked and played with his cats and dogs. Then we contenued my quest but trying to hunt down another older friend of mine. We drove down the street listioning to my Flogging Molly cd. I felt so happy, we talked and joked and smiled ^_^!!! I missed my friend Dale. We drove up to my friend... (lets call this one Yugi, he and I used to watch yugioh and collect the cards) But alass Yugi was not there. -.-;;; oh well another quest for another day.
November 22nd, 2004
Hearing: "Way I am" remix with Eminem and Marilyn Manson!!! w00t!
Feeling: blaw, sort of down
[5:58am] My aunt is getting married to her ex husband, about 22 years ago she married her 2nd husband and had 3 girls with him. Thay driffed away from eatchother and now 22 years latter there 3 girls are starting familys of there oun and now thay are getting remarried. I am so happy for them, and yet jelouse, i thought I was going to be next in my family to start a family... Well I guess the higher power known as god has something els in store for me, just not yet. I can't beleave I slept for over 12 houres. That sucks, well at least I have today and tomarrow off work.
Oh, yeah this is funny, I had just coloered my hair the other day and then last night I took a bath, I had fell asleep in the tub and woke up with blue water! I mean dark blue! however that coloer did not fade out of my hair or stane my skin, thank goodness. Wow a hot bath sounds like a good idea, I will be back later.
[8:33am] My Horascope today says... "Your efforts now are directed at keeping up with your daily routine, which can be quite overwhelming. It's not just that you have a lot to do. It's that you are doing things that you've never quite done in this way. Even so, you'll be able to keep it all balanced as long as you think it through first. ".... True!!!
[9:43pm] Yeah! My 3rd Inuyasha movie just got here today!!! I just watched it, I LOVE it! The best Inuyasha movie yet! It maid me soooo happy!!! Now I have all three of the Inuyasha movies!
[9:50pm] My other horascope for today says..."It's time to bring closure to a certain relationship issue you've been anguishing over. There's no time to mope. Do what you've got to do and move on. It's time, and you know it. " I don't know what to think of this one...
November 21th, 2004
Hearing: Them Song to "Boondock Saints"
Feeling: blaw
[2:35am] Well tonight was a slow night at work. I got a few complaments for my new hair color from people so that maid me happy. My maniger came up to me last night at work and asked me "ok, the hair color looks nice. A 'lil too blue but its ok. Just need to ask... How far is it going to go from here? Like are you going to come in one day with a nose or toung pearcing?" I looked at him and almost fell to the floor laghing. I told him no but however I do want to maybe get my eyebrow pearced. ^_^! Anywho, before I left work I rinted "Big Fish" & "The Day After Tomarrow". I rented Big Fish becouse Ewan McGreggor is one of my top three fav actors, faves being Elijah Wood, Jonny Depp, and Ewan. I rinted The Day After for my mom, she wanted to see it, I have already seen it before , It's a really good movie. Well now I am going to watch "Big Fish" night!
[11:55am] I watched Big Fish, It was realy good! I did not know it was another Tim Burton film. I luv Tim's work he is a wounderful director. Wounderful movie.
[added nov 22@5:55am] ok I then watched "Day After Tomarrow" with my mom, I had seen it once with someone. I tryed to watch it with my mom but it did not seem the same as the first time i watched it so I ended up falling asleep at around 4pm and just now woke up... how sad is that?
November 20th, 2004
Hearing:"Come What May" the dance version by Ewan McGreggor from the movie Moulin Rouge"
Feeling: New
[3:45pm] Well I just now got my hair dyed!!! Its black/blue. it is mostly bacl but in the light looks a'lil blue I like it! I wounder what everyone will say at work? I have to go into work at 6pm tonight till 1:30am... sucks. Oh! and I rinted "Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Boondock Saints, and 2ldk the other night. ok I havt seen boondock saints a long time ago but I just needed to see it again it is a really good movie about two irish brothers that take the law into there hands to save there city. And Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is about this guy (jim carry) who has found out that his ex girlfriend, the love of his life, has had him erased from her memory. So in turn he gos to have her erased from his, but wile in the mid of the erasing he decides to keep her in his mind aswell as his heart. He decided that it would hurt whorse to not have her in his memorys... very good movie clouse to my heart... I mean he remindes me of my ex in this film very hushed and shadowy, where his ex is like me all loude and crazy at times. And I have yet to watch the movie 2ldk.
November 19th, 2004
Hearing:"Come What May" by Ewan McGreggor from the movie Moulin Rouge"
Feeling: don't know
[3:50pm] I have to be into work at 5pm today till 9pm. Well yesterday was well spent. I woke up at like 5am and walked outside for a long time, then I walked over to my old school to see my friends before thay went to class. I then took the bus to the mall, that was a long drive. When I got there the stors still were not open so I sat and watched the crew put up all the christmas things. It was amazing to see it all go up. While I was there I got some early christmas shopping done. I got my 'lil brother a yu-yu-hakusho shirt and a dragonball z shirt. Then I got my 'lil sister A purple fishnet to go over her bed, aswell as some hello kitty slippers. I got myself a evanescence shirt with blue fishnet underneth from hot topic, a eva scrunchy, and a silver pendint to go around my neck. I hate not having something like a necklace around my neck. Then I left the mall and took the subway and bus back to my old high school, met up with a friend there and hung out at his house watching his anime Full Metal Alcomist, it was realy good so far. We watched two shows then walked to the park to talk and swing. I like swings i guess I am just weard like that. If I see a park with swings I always stop and swing.
[added nov 20th@3:44pm] Well also yesterday I went with my 'lil brother and his 1st grade class on a failtrip to Green Springs Garden Park, It was my first time there. Very pritty place I would love to visit there again.
November 16th, 2004
Hearing: "We Should Be Lovers" and "Come What May" by Ewan McGreggor from the movie Moulin Rouge"
Feeling: Suprised, Depressed, and Sleepy
[1:41am] Well yesterday (night of nov, 15th) One of my M.O.D.'s at work Tina found out that I had worked on my birthday after I have requested it out a week before then. She felt bad so before she went home she came back to Blockbusters and gave me a birthday cake. I was on the verg of crying. I mean she don't know me that well and yet she cared to do that to cheer me up. She knew I was sick going into work yesterday. I called everyone from work and asked if thay would take my days work. no one would... Now it is late so I am going to sleep.
[1:53am] I found my way of reatching peace without the hurt and pain... well without it hurting as much... wicca, I am celtic wiccan its in my familys blood on my irish side and awile ago I almost forgot about my roots. I accepted the normal idea of god becouse of someone a long time ago... But now I will go back to who I was going to be... I will no longer drink, no longer use, no longer cry... I will place on my mask and show my smile to the world. One of my friends said that he likes to see me smile. So I will smile to make others happy and that will make me happy. My friend is also Celtic Wiccan, and now I will step back onto the clean path that I ounce was on, with my friends with me.
I don't have the other standing in frount of mr to protect me, beside me as a partner, or behind me as my support.. Now he is only in my memorys and deep in my heart. I will forever love that person. Even if now he is only in my memorys... it may hurt and it dose however, I will forever try to hide my hurt behind my mask... Cherry knows what I mean by my mask...
[2:15am] ok... I can't sleep.. damnit I am sick I need sleep! -.-;;; and I am so tempted... i want to talk with him.... but i can't becouse he don't wanna talk to me... But i promised myself I would not let myself get depressed.... I think I am going to watch The Craft or Moulin Rouge.
November 15th, 2004
Hearing: "you'r Song" by Ewan McGreggor from the movie Moulin Rouge"
Feeling: Depressed, Foolish, Shameful
[4:05am] Well I got to hang out with "Skyler' (my cuz'n vinny), my best friend Cherry, and myself at this "gay bar" called Freddy's last night (nov, 14th). Cherry and I sat and cheered on many 'queens' thay were all very nice people. Every Sunday night thay have a lip-sync drag queen night. Cherry and I are now what thay call 'fag hags'... straght girls that are friends of gay guys, lol. Well anywho.. Yesterday (nov 14th) I was suposed to hang out with my best guy friend Shado, and maybe sol and rin at the mall. But stupid me for got to cash my check!!! So I had no mouny to get me a winter coat with. And I was not feeling too good so I slept like most the day... *shouts out to Shado* "I am soooo sorry! I trid to call! But you'r sister said she would get you to call back... -.-;;;;"
I need to stop being so depressed the only times now that I am not so damn sad is when I am drinking or talking with my friends... I hate feeling this way. And I need to stop the substance abuse. I am turning into the sort of person I trid so hard not to be. I hate myself for it. And now I log onto Gaia and see my friend Shado is upset and I feel guilty! I need to visit him today
[2:12pm] Well I got myself dressed and walked to my old high school to see my friends before thay all had to go to class. I am so happy that Shado is alright. I jumped to conclusions and thoght something was wrong but all was well. After I left the high school I went to the bank and got the mouny I needed to get my winter coat. I got a long black trinch, finally. Then I got my 'lil sister some hait ties sence I keep using hers. Now I have to go take a bath so I will be back, Oh, and thank goodness I dont have to be at work till 6pm tonight .
November 14th, 2004
Hearing: Nothing"
Feeling: Depressed, lost, Foolish, Shameful
[4:15am] Well now I am 19 years old, you know about half a year ago I thoght my 19th birthday was going to be spent much diffrent than this... anyways... Last night(November 12th) I was at my cuz'ens house he had a party. It was him, his gay friends (realy), and his friends that are girls , and I. i was the oldest one there I felt so out of place at first. then his friends broght over some "Twisteds" I was really depressed and lost in my oun self so I did not care what I did. I tryd to drink myself away... sad thing is wile I was drinking I felt gilty I felt like... what the hell an I doing this is not like me to do this, something I am so agenst. I have never been drunk my whole life till last night. The only thing it did was make me forget why I was depressed. And make me sleep. Sadest thing was, I felt good forgetting. I mayself in my right mind dont want to forget. However, I did smile last night. I am such a fool....
-Gifts- 1) Inuyasha pillow, with Inuyasha an one side and Seshoumaru on the other; From Cherry
2) Inuyasha 2005 Clender; From Cherry
3) Hellow Kitty pj's, says "hit the slopes with hello kitty's snowboarding school"; from my mother
4) 4 pares of socks O.o;;;; From my mother
5) Huge black furry blankie!; soft and furry on one side, and velvit on the other
6) A home made Hello Kitty birthday card from the heart; from my cuz'n Sean ^_^
[4:40am] My Horascope on my birthday (nov, 13th) said "" Your possessions are a high priority to you now. It may even be difficult for you to separate yourself from those things that you value. On one hand, you can be quite engaged in discussions about your basic underlying philosophy of life. On the other hand, you may find yourself dealing with your attachment to particular material objects. Examine your issues of security -- or lack of it. You can consciously overcome your fears of losing what you cherish.""
November 12th, 2004
Hearing: Every song by Evanecence I have. 7 Lost Profits "Wake Up" & Michelle Branches "goodbye to You"
Feeling: Depressed, lost, hopeful & Sleepy
[3:00am] Why can't things be the way thay ounce felt or better. Why am I alone. Why are you alone. What is the point. To hurt bad enoghe without, but then to have you neer and still be without. Even thinking of you. You seem so neer. I stayed the night at my cuz'ns house last night with my best friend *Cherry* I smiled, I giggled, and yet I was not happy...
[7:15am] I just want to die. I want to drink myself to death or something. I dont want to be 19. No reason. I want to die before christmas. I can't be by my sefl this christmas and I only want to spend it with one person. But it's not going to heppen. I just want to wake up from this bad dream. I feel like my soul has been raped. I just want to die.. in my sleep or something. maybe I will finish it all this time. Time to look for it.. or something. anything...
November 9th, 2004
Hearing: Avril L. (i hate her but like the song) "My Happy Ending", and "It Wont Rain All The Time" from the monie The Crow
Feeling: Depressed, Worthless, Hated
[2:33am] Well, I guess my horascope was wrong, I don't know. I dont like this feeling. To feel like all of what very little hope you have in you'r life was ripped from you. To have known love but lost it. I don't know what is whors to have known and lost or to have never had love at all... its to have know then lost. I wish I never knew... I don't like feeling hated. Well leave it to me to have been loved and hated by the same person.
[1:45pm] Things were not suposed to be like this, things were not suposed to end. Why the fuck can't things go wright?! I gave my all, I tryed, now I have fallen. No one to help me up. Where is the feelings now. I have non. Starting today I just don't jive a fuck. Fuck the world. What the fuck are we all living for? Hun? Nothing thats what. Just living to fall. To get hurt. Who am I? No one you don't know me. I don't even know myself. No one knows me! Not any more. I am new. And I don't give a fuck!!! who I was is dead. Gown! Never coming back. My hert is lost now even to me. So I am no more. Go on and move on, all of you. She is dead.
[5:02pm] Well I got as much sleep I could get, now I am getting ready for work. I am so happy I get tomarrow off. I need it.
November 8th, 2004
Hearing: Evanescence "Anywhere" & "Sorry"
Feeling: Depressed and yet Hopeful
[3:27am]...."can you forgive me again you and my one true friend and I never meant to hurt you"... that is so true.That was the last line from the song sorry. But I mean , I just dont know. anywho... my horascope today says..."today the beauty of your imagination is most apparent. Do whatever you can to keep your thoughts on the positive possibilities in your life rather than drifting toward the darker fearful side. This practice may not help you get a better job, but it can bring a new wealth of meaning into your existence.".. We will find out how true this is.
[4:48pm] I have to be at work at 6pm till late again. I wish I could work days... Oh, god I just found somthing but I dont know what it means. Has change set me free? If so then how. every change in my life is harder then the last. So how am I free?
[2:33am] Well, I guess my horascope was wrong, I don't know. I dont like this feeling. To feel like all of what very little hope you have in you'r life was ripped from you. To have known love but lost it. I don't know what is whors to have known and lost or to have never had love at all... its to have know then lost. I wish I never knew...
November 7th, 2004
Hearing: D.J. Sammy's Heaven
Feeling: Depressed & Lost
[5:56am] No, I know 100%. no... Well if that is what fait has in store for me. I have no idea where to go from here. I feel so alone even thoue I realy am not. I mean, I have my family and I have some good friends that still stand by me even with the fact that I left them once. Thay understood that I was/am in love. I really thank god for my knowing them... However, thats not what can fill this place deep in my heart. One person did but now he has fadded away from my world... I cling to his vanishing soul as it slips threw my fingers. where do I go from here?
November 4th, 2004
Hearing: The 9/11 remix to D.J. Sammy's Heaven, And "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge
Feeling: Depressed
[4:28am]I just got the song Heaven the 9/11 version, I sat and cryed for like 25 mins It maid me remeber all the events of September 11th and how I came so clouse to a brake-down. After that happened I had to seek theropie(sp) I should have never stoped going. So much shit has happened in my life. It's like after that day I grew up in so many ways. After that day my life would forever cross paths with unfortionet events. Well some. Some things I look back on and wounder if I had the chance would I have done something diffrent, and I don't know what to say to that. I mean if somethings did not happen then I would not have expereanced other things in my life. Don't know what I want anymore. What to let go of, What to of kept. just dont know.
[10:51am]I have not been feeling very well laitly. I am going to go to the store and get something to see what is making me sick. I don't want to keep jumping to conclutions, I always do. But I just need to know and I can't wait any longer to find out. I keep feeling dizzy, and moody, and sick to my stumeck. If its a yes then I don't know how to feel or what to do... same thing if it says no. Well it's in gods hands till I find out.
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This layout and others to have past are by
© Neko no' Baka ~2003-2005~
Photo is from the dvd of the musical 'Cats' by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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