| Humor 2 |
| In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked at me like I was dumber than dirt and said "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages and finally jabbed her finer at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar. |
| A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?" Moses," Replied the bird.Moses" the burglar laughed.What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus! |
| Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn�t ask him to help me not misbehave, I ask him to help you put up with me.� |
| An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist......"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. " But you are not wearing any of those things." I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.� |
| A Sunday School teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son and how, when he returned home his father had killed the fatted calf for him and how upset his brother had been. At the end of the story she said, "Let's see how well you all have listened to the story. Who was most upset when the Prodigal Son came home?" A small boy's hand shot up and he relied, "The fatted calf." |
| ADVICE TO A 1912 BRIDE Years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave a bride the following recipe for washing clothes 1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. 2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. 3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water. 4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored,1 pile work britches and rags. 5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water. 6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and then bile. Rub colored, don't bile, just rinch and starch. 7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then rinch, and starch. 8. Hang old rags on fence. 9. Spread tea towels on grass. 10. Pore rinch water in flower bed. 11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. 12. Turn tubs upside down. 13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. Hang this above your automatic washer, and when things look bleak, read it again, and count your blessings! |
| A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." |
| My Dog Mace A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" |