A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan,3.The boys began to argue over who would get the biggest pancake.The mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here he would say 'Let my brother have the biggest pancake, I will take the smaller.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said "Ryan, you be Jesus."
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
"Quarterback Sneak"-Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
"Draw Play"-What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
"Half-time"-The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
"Benchwarmer"-Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
"Backfield-in-Motion"-Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
"Staying in the Pocket"-What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
"Two-minute Warning"-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
"Sudden Death"-What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
"Trap"-You're called on to pray and are asleep.
"Flex Defence"-The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
"Halfback Option"-The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
~ A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."
~ An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."
~ A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.
~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.
~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.
~ A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."
~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
~ A psychiatrist observed, "The pit is just in your mind."
~ A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."
~ A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."
~ An optimist said, "Things could be worse."
~ A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse."
~ Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.
There was a man who was walking through the wilderness. It was completely dark and he couldn't see a thing. As this man walked, blindly forward, he began falling. He had reached the edge of the forest and a great cliff!
As he fell down the cliff, he reached for anything. Suddenly he grabbed onto a branch. Uncertain how strong this branch is, he cried out to God, "Help me!" Listening intently, he heard a voice call back to him, "Let go!" This voice astonished him, so he yelled, "Is there anyone else out there?!"