warnings: abuse of HP characters, "hints of slash"
Day 65, Sunday Challenge Day
After the tire incident, things have calmed down.. that is to say, Sirius hasn't noticed that Snape has rearranged his rearrangement of the tires. Lupin does on his Sunday morning rounds..
Lupin(looking out front window): Oh brother... he's already picked them up... But where did he put them? (is on the way to the door when Snape comes into living room)
Snape: Lupin. What are you doing?
Lupin: Oh... just going to check the weather.
Snape: That's what the Television is for.
Lupin: (laughs) Have you succumbed to the muggle temptation of relying on "TV" for all your information?
Snape: (scowls) We are a bit.. cut off from the rest of the world here, you might say.
Lupin: Yes, so how could you blame me for wanting to go outside?
Snape: Ah, well.. you know better than I do... (turns and leaves)
Lupin(thoughtful pause): ... was that.... a cryptic warning? (looks at door ominously)..... Yes.. I may.. just make breakfast... (heads off for kitchen)
Around 9, Sirius Black shows up in the kitchen. Snape sits, stares moodily at a wall as Lupin cooks at the stove.
Black: What's going on?
Lupin: I'm not cooking the hash browns enough and Severus is contemplating matters of deep metaphysical import. You know - nothing unusual for a Sunday morning.
BigBrother: ATTENTION, HOUSEMATES! THIS IS BIG BROTHER!
Black: Nah, who else would it be??
BigBrother: MR. BLACK -
Black(grins obnoxiously): Yes?
BigBrother: We do not appreciate the tone.
Lupin: They can't think of any worse punishments than peanut butter.
Black(snickers): That's it exactly!
BigBrother: Enough!! Today is SUNDAY - YOUR LAST CHALLENGE.
Snape(mutters): Bring out the oil paints; we can pose dramatically..
BigBrother: Your challenge, since you will be leaving soon, is to CLEAN HOUSE! You will find the cleaning supplies below the kitchen sink and in the laundry room. The house should be spotless by four!
Black: (skeptical) "Clean"?
Snape: Last challenge indeed...
The three eat breakfast, then split up to find cleaning supplies. Lupin stays in the kitchen to scrub out the sink and remaining counter tops; Snape heads for the laundry room to find a mop and bucket, and Black runs upstairs to search for the 409.
Black(running to bathroom): I KNOW I SPRAYED ONE OF THOSE FLYING FIENDS WITH IT LAST NIGHT! (he skids to a halt in the bathroom) Where - now... Hm... But didn't I take it back to my room with me? OF course! (dashes back into hall, nearly trips into Bedroom Number 2) OK! (eyes scan room quickly) HAH - the roach serial killer strikes again! (he picks up the 409 bottle at the foot of his bed; in the nearby corner is a motionless roach on its back) That one died a painful 409 death. ... I wonder what 409 signifies? Maybe they should have called it 666! ahahah - (hooks the bottle back onto his pocket, strides out)
Back downstairs, Snape is searching the laundry room.
Snape(mumbling): .. think there'd be a mop.... (opens broom closet; pushes a bucket aside with his foot - a mop is dislodged and the handle crashes forward at him; he jerks away in time) What... booby trapped.. MALFOYs....
Montage: Cue the bad '80s techno--
-Lupin whistling and merrily wiping clean the tiles around the kitchen stove
-Black engaged in 409 target practice, shooting at dirty spots on the living room windows and making strange hand gestures of triumph at them
-Snape mopping the laundry room and hall floors, accidently knocking down the bucket of dirty water and flooding out the foyer
-Bertrum sound asleep perfectly content on Voldemort's old sun room sofa.
Soon Black has cleaned all the windows in the living room. He stands back to admire his sparkling work.
Black: Ahhhhh.. Now this is a fine job - not a streak or smudge on there! And this 409 stuff isn't even designed for window cleaning. HAH, I defy muggle technology even as I put it to use! (squints suddenly as he focuses on the world beyond the windows) What - .... where are my tires??? Snnnivveelluuuss!! (storms around to the front door and tears it open--) AHGHHHHH!! (is crushed as the tires - all piled precariously on the doorstep - crash down upon him) AGHO - SNAPE!!
Enter Lupin, blue sponge in gloved hand.
Lupin: What - Hahahah - Sirius??
Black(a hand beneath the tires): REMUS!
Lupin: (grin) Is this a new form of art? Contact art? Transgression of postmodern boundaries - you don't just move the tires - You ARE a tire?
Black: 'HUT UP AND HELP ME OUTTA HERE! (the hand waves)
Lupin: (grabs the hand and pulls) Ah, you're heavy - or at least the tires are-
Black: MO'E THEM!
Snape(has appeared in the doorway): Lupin, you should let him stay there, pinned to the ground helpless. See how his 'flying fiends' return his favors.
Black: EEE'ILL!!
Lupin: Hahah - I don't think we'll leave Sirius for roach bait... (looks back to tires) I'm not sure I want the postmodern art in the house, actually...we're supposed to be cleaning today, you know..
Snape: And what if we lose the challenge? Will they throw us out...?
Lupin: I'm sure they can devise some torture for the next 3 days.
Black(hand waves): HEELLLLLLP!
Lupin(sighs): If I help you up, you have to promise to help finish cleaning.
Black: What i' this BLACKMAIL!
Snape: You're leaning, Lupin.
Lupin(at Snape): Oh go clean something.. exert ORDER on your surroundings - or whatever it is these days that cleaning means.
Snape(scoffs): 'exert order'... you shouldn't encourage me.. (stalks off)
Black: Yea- dont encourage him!
Lupin: Do you want help or not?
Black: FINE.
Hours later, things have calmed down again; Black and Lupin have piled the tires in neat stacks at the corner of the front yard. ("NO MORE LAWN ART!") Now Black is vacuuming the carpets with a towel taped around his head to block out the sound. Snape is dusting off the blinds in the den, swiping each individual piece of plastic with a damp paper towel. Lupin walks by on the way to the laundry room- he pauses and observes for a moment..
Lupin(increasingly disturbed): ..... Severus..... ?
Snape(slowly turns around): .... Yes?
Lupin: What are you doing?
Snape: ... Cleaning the shades.
Lupin: ... Don't we have a device made specifically for that?
Snape: ... I refuse to clean with anything named "Swiffer."
Lupin: (absorbing this) Ah... well.. It would save time.
Snape(turns back to face window): This is more ....thorough. No blind escapes..
Lupin: Ok... (is about to go) Isn't there anything more pressing that needs to be finished before 4?
Snape: Not unless you want to scrub the toilets.
Lupin: Ah.. No.
Snape: Good.
Lupin: Ok. (continues on)
At 4, Big Brother makes their announcement.
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES!!
Black(looks up from kitchen table, where he is relaxing with a glass of scotch): Hm? Is it four already? Fancy that.
BigBrother: THE CHALLENGE IS OVER, PROFESSOR SNAPE. YOU CAN STOP CLEANING THE BLINDS OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVELY NOW.
Snape(from den): My livelihood stolen.
BigBrother: We think you have done an admirable job cleaning, housemates. We didn't know you were capable of it. One can even see the floor in Bedroom Number Two.
Black: Aw damn - all they wanted us to do was pick up the robes????
BigBrother: NO. You would have lost if that's all you had done. As it is, we would like to award you your prize: a video tape cassette.
Lupin: A what?
BigBrother: It is in the den, near the TV.
Snape: What does one do with a 'video tape cassette'?
BigBrother: We'll give you a hint: It involves the television.
Black: Maybe it's some way of altering what programs are on! Let's go! (runs out)
Lupin: What about dinner? I'm hungry.
Snape: You want him to cook?
Lupin: Maybe we should all investigate the new toy. (Snape frowns, but nods; exeunt)