warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash"
Day 51, Saturday Nominations
The Breakfast routine is wildy thrown aside today, as Draco slumps down the stairs and dutifully begins making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Soon Snape stalks in, followed by a flustered Lupin-
Snape: No, take the morning off. In fact, take the rest of the week off-
Lupin: Severus! You can't cook all week-
Snape: You can.
Lupin: (eyes narrow) Putting plates of food in front of Sirius is NOT part of the cooking process!
Snape: You don't have much faith in him.. (leans closer) Didn't that get you all in trouble a few years ago...?
Lupin: (sigh) I'm reall surprised that you are both still alive.. you think one would have killed the other by now. (turns, pulls out pan from cabinet)
Snape(takes it from him): And we are NOT having your half-cooked hash browns today! We are having crepes--
Draco(sitting at table, smirkingly amused): Well.... I never I'd see you two arguing over pots and pans..
(They both turn around like angry parents)
Lupin: It's not about pots and pans, Draco. Professor Snape is trying to sabotage your punishment.
Draco(pouts): I wish you wouldn't cook crepes when I can't eat them, Professor. After all, I'm the only one with the culinary expertise to really appreciate them..
Snape: (calculating) Artichoke pie for dinner-
Draco: NO!
Lupin(chuckles): Don't worry, Draco - be glad you can miss my terrible, half-cooked, soggy, pasty hash browns! (snatches pan back from Snape)
Snape(not amused): ..Lupin..
Lupin: Well you know - it's Draco's kitchen after all-
Draco: YES! Out of my kitchen!
(Snape shoots a withering glare at him)
Lupin: (holding pan behind back) Come on - I need to cook!
Snape: You have won this round, Lupin... Don't think it's over... (stalks out)
Draco: honestly! He HATES cooking!
Lupin: (slight eye rolling) Must be beneath the potions master's dignity to actually cook..
It is not until after lunch - lunch which Lupin insists on making (soup) - that Voldemort notices that Bertie has been missing. He's been calling for the last 10 minutes.
Voldemort: BERTRUM!! WHERE ARE YOU?? BEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTRUM!!!?
(Enter Sirius Black)
Black: WHAT - What are you doing?!
Voldemort(Malfoyesque offense): Why I'm calling my cat, sir.. What do you think??
Black: Oh! (laugh) Of course! And here I was - fool that I am - thinking you were trying to summon the dead!
Voldemort: Mr. Black... where is my cat?
Black: I'd have brought the damned thing to you already if I had any idea!
Voldemort(stands up to full height - robes slinking in shiny black): What has become of my cat......?
Black(nonchalant shrug): I don't know.. Ask your friend.. I heard him complaining about cats yesterday evening...
Voldemort: ....Severus.... (sweeps out towards living room)
Meanwhile, Draco is in the den trying to watch TV.
Draco: There's nothing to watch! what good is all this muggle technology when no one knows what to do with it! idiot muggles... (hears familiar clank of pots and pans) Who's in my kitchen NOW?? (Enter Lupin) Who's in my kitchen??!
Lupin: (raises eyebrow)
Draco: er... Professor Lupin..?
Lupin(smile): I thought you were in the kitchen -
Draco: I don't need that much - utensils to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! SOMEONE'S COOKING!
Lupin: Three guesses.
Draco: This is NOT acceptable! (storms off)
Voldemort and Draco reach the kitchen at the same time - each entering from a different door. Snape is at the counter, mixing some concoction in a large bowl..a cookbook lies open nearby.
Voldemort: Severus!
Draco: Professor Snape!
Black(sticks his head in behind Voldemort): Snivellus! (disappears again; Snape glares after him)
Voldemort: Well! Whatever you wished to be called. (strides up to him, towers threateningly) Where is Bertrum?
Snape: I thought.. since Bertrum (this with some sarcasm) has forgotten proper toilet habits, she should become... reacquainted with the bathroom..
Voldemort: You locked her in the bathroom!!? What bathroom!!!
Snape: The women's bathroom - she is a female...
Draco(scowls): I hope you turned off that disgusting music first.
Snape: I am not an animal torturer, Draco.
Voldemort: You mean you know better than to so torture the Dark Lord's favorite CAT?!
Snape: Exactly.
Voldemort: I've got my eye on you, Severus...
Snape: Can you preheat the oven?
Voldemort: ARHHHHHHGGGGG!! (Lights flash, thunder crashes -seemingly in the next room over - Draco ducks - wind whips through the two open doors--)
BigBrother: NO MAGIC, MR. RIDDLE!
(everything stops)
Voldemort: Ah, I lost my temper... (sits at table, sighs) While we're here - tonight is nominations.
Draco: So it is... We finally got rid of Dumbledorf - now what?
Snape: Black.
Voldemort(same time): Lupin.
Draco: That doesn't help me.
Voldemort: Perhaps we can get them both nominated.. (looks up, calculating) Yes... hahah - Perfect. We can split our nine votes 4-5. Severus, Draco, you nominate Black for two and Lupin for one.. And I shall vote the opposite way..
Draco: It will be two of them and one of us..
Snape: That does not bode well for the one of us.
Voldemort: SOMEONE has to be voted off!
Draco(off-handedly): Well, I'm not going to be. (notes concoction in Snape's bowl - magically has transformed into some sort of batter) mmmmm, is that scone mix, Professor Snape?
Snape: No... scones are far too subtle. This is bundt cake.
Voldemort: Ah, will that be ready for tea?
Snape: Yes.
Draco(whines): BUNDT CAKE!!!!
1 hour later:
Black(sniffing, grimaces): AGHHH - (buries head in sofa pillow) MOOOOONNNYYY HE'S DOING IT AGAIN!
Lupin(shakes head): I thought it was safe to leave the kitchen for a few hours!!
Black(hands in hair): SMELLS SO GOOD!!!
Lupin: Try not to smell it, Sirius.
Black: TRY NOT TO -- AGH, REMUS! GO THROW IT OUT-
Lupin(affronted): I'm sure it's very good - I'm not about to go throwing someone's work down the grinder just-
Black(head resurfaces, red and angry): YOU ARE JUST AS BAD!!
Lupin: Now, now, it's only been two days, Sirius, you shou-
Black: I'LL NEVER MAKE IT!! (falls back on sofa, staring at ceiling, tongue hanging out side of mouth)
Lupin: That's right - play dead...
Black: DAMN! If you don't throw it out I WILL! (jumps up, dashes for kitchen)
Lupin(jumps up too): hey! I haven't had any yet!! (runs after)
Kitchen:
Voldemort enters, cuddling Bertie in his arms
Voldemort: You survived the trial admirably, Bertrum - I think it has made you that much of a better cat- (stops when he sees Snape.
Snape is seated at the table, gigantic butcher knife in hand - ostensibly to cut the cake before him, but he has been sitting like this for the past fifteen minutes with no action.)
Voldemort: Severus....?
Snape: Would you like a piece of bundt cake?
Voldemort: .. Yes. (sits)
(Black runs in - panting and hair askew like a madman - spots Snape)
Black: YOU!!!
Snape: (smiles) Would you like a piece of bundt cake?
Black: ROOAAAAR!! (charges - then Snape holds up the knife nonchalantly - Black skids to halt across the tiles) Ah... Hmm... PLANNING to cause trouble, were you?
Snape: I needed a knife to cut the cake.
Black: BUL-
(Lupin runs in, also out of breath)
Lupin: DONT DO IT, SIRIUS-- (realizes the situation is not life-threatening) Oh...
Snape(wry glance): That's very traitorous of you, Lupin...
Lupin: ... Well, I thought the three of us could do justice to it without Sirius throwing it down the garbage dispenser..
Black(glares): I have a better sense of what justice should be done!
(Enter Draco - sees cake, eyes go wide in horror; he quickly turns his head to the side, throwing his hand to his eyes)
Draco: AGH - No Professor -- You didn't COOK that batter!!
Black: What, couldn't you smell it!
Draco: I was in the Diary Room.. I heard all of you yelling before I could smell anything..
Black(eyes brighten madly): Is the Diary Room smell proof, would you say??
Draco: Pretty much so, yes..
Black: AH HAH! (runs out)
Draco: (follows) This is unbearable -- OF ALL THE WEEks to coo(trails off)
Voldemort: Well, now that they're gone, I'll have a piece of cake, Severus.
Lupin(brings over three plates): Good, me too.
Dinner time; Diary Room - Black is sitting Indian style on the floor, while Draco leans over in the chair, head in hands
Draco: I can't -- it's just too much... all we have is peanut butter and jelly... and the jelly's running low even..
Black(looks up suddenly): .... Draco- BRILLIANT!
Draco: What?
Black: We SABOTAGE them... Throw out all the undesirable food supplies, then they CANT cook beef stew and vanilla crepes and bundt cakes -
Draco(lights up): Ah, of course!
Black: Tonight we'll have to infiltrate.....
Draco: After they are asleep -
Black: Perfect... I can keep an eye on Bedroom Number Two - You shouldn't have a problem sneaking down from your room.
Draco: That's why it's good to sleep alone.
Black: Indeed, it seems to have its benefits..
Draco: Ah, I feel like the tragic artist, sabotaging my OWN kitchen!
Black(sighs): You never know what you're capable of until circumstances force you into life and death situations..
Draco: That's for sure..
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES - IT'S DIARY ROOM NOMINATION TIME
Black: Ah, ok - I nominate Voldemort for two and ...(glance to Draco) SNIVELLUS for the other one!
Draco(smiles graciously): I nominate Black for two and Lupin for one.
Black(frowns): what are you going to do if I get voted off?
Draco: That won't be til Wednesday.
Black: You are worse than your father.
Draco: Thank you. (exuent)
Rest of voting:
Voldemort: I nominate Lupin for two and Black for one point.
Lupin: I............. think I will nominate Voldemort for two, since I especially don't want him around now that Albus is gone.. And.... well I would nominate Severus - I really should, but he makes such a good bunt cake... ah, too bad; I'll have to nominate Draco then.. he just whines.
Snape: Black for two. Lupin for one.
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Nominees this week are Voldemort (4pts), Lupin (4pts), and Black (5pts).. CHOOSE WISELY.