warnings:
Day 50, Friday -
Breakfast table; Lupin has cooked again, but only for three, since Sirius and Draco are stuck making themselves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Draco: Pass the jelly.
Black(knife out): I'm still using it, thank you.
Draco: When you're done!
Voldemort: Well, Severus - if we're lucky they'll kill each other!
Lupin(sits with plate): They'd better not.. I'd be stuck with you two...
Snape: Yes, you wouldn't want that...
Black: Don't worry, Remus... Draco wouldn't have a chance.
Draco(eyes narrow): If you keep hoarding the jelly, you won't have much of a chance either...
Voldemort: Well, has anyone else discovered how the remote control of the television works yet?
Snape: I find it difficult to care...
Lupin: No, I fell asleep watching the news last night.
Voldemort: I hate to be opening Pandora's box here, but...... (dramatic pause, filled by devilish grin) it changes the program you're watching.
Black: .... you mean... there's more than just muggle news?
Voldemort: Oh yes...
Black: Hm.. could be interesting..
Draco: JELLY!
Black: Yes, Here - I'm done! (shoves jar of jelly down table at him)
Draco: honestly... (sniffs indignantly) You know that stupid music is still playing in the bathroom.
Lupin: haha
Black: I thought that's what "loop" meant.. (grin)
Snape: I'll see to that....
Voldemort: What music??
Draco: I don't want to talk about it. (accidently sticks knife through bread) .. agh.. I am already getting sick of peanut butter and jelly... so plebeian..
Midday, Lupin and Black are making lunch in the kitchen - Black with the PBJ and Lupin cooking soup. Snape breezes by in the hallway...
Black: Snivellus looks... upset.. I assume you didn't prank him..?
Lupin(sigh): Sirius, I am trying NOT to encourage him to go back to the dark side..
Black: I don't like that accusatory tone- you shouldn't talk to me like that when I'm stuck on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a week!
Snape meanwhile reaches the sun room. He stands before Voldemort, not threateningly, but it is clear that he is not happy. Voldemort glances up from his reading.
Voldemort: .....Severus..... Did you want something?
Snape: .... Your cat.
Voldemort: She's not available for rent, I'm sorry.
Snape: That was not my concern.. My concern was the pungent odor eminating from behind my sofa...
Voldemort: ...... oh.... Are you sure it's from Bertrum?
Snape: I know that odor. A potions master learns to smell..
Voldemort: I don't doubt your nose, but are you sure Bertrum left it there? Could it be a heinous prank by one of Dumbledore's dummies?
Snape: ... Could be.
Voldemort: You should know better than to jump to conclusions, Severus.. especially as concerns me and Bertrum..
Snape: Yes.
Voldemort: Damn.. now you're going into one of your morose states again, aren't you?
Snape: I am going to investigate the matter. (turns briskly and exits)
Snape finds Lupin in the kitchen; Black has left already ("I can't watch you eat soup, it's too much..") Snape sweeps over to the table; does not sit.
Lupin: Hi Severus.
Snape: Lupin. Do you know anything about the terrific odor coming from behind the living room sofa?
Lupin:.... (looks about in thought) No? Why?
Snape: Does Black?
Lupin: I would have heard, sorry.
Snape: It's the cat then. (pause, then out of the blue) I'm cooking tonight.
Lupin: What?
Snape: You cook too much.
Lupin: It's not a problem, really--
Snape(not a question): I will cook tonight.
Lupin: Well - ok? Did you have something specific in mind?
Snape: Lupin, you are worse than Draco. Do you own this kitchen? Do you have exclusive rights to the food and the stove?
Lupin: No, I was just wondering--
Snape: Then wonder no more - I am cooking. (stalks out again)
Lupin: I don't know what's going on in this household anymore...
Later in the den:
Draco is spacing out in front of daytime television.
Draco: what.... ..
TV: Call now and order your own bissel carpet cleaner for 19.99!!
Draco: .... MUGGLES! IMPOSSIBLE! (jumps up in a huff) I'm hungry... (appeals to ceiling) Big Brother - how is peanut butter and jelly supposed to sustain me for an entire week? First the hair, now the diet - are you trying to kill me?
BigBrother: Allow Big Brother to remind the youngest housemate that we had nothing to do with the hair problems you are currently experiencing.
Draco(pouts): I didn't say the hair was the worst problem in the world, but I certainly canNOT live off peanut butter and jelly for a week!!
BigBrother: If you would like to pack up and leave now....
Draco: Fine... (falls back into couch again) Oh.... how am I to live? What would FATHER say? (he supports his head, chin on hand, staring forlornly at the wall; soon a complex and tantalizing smell of spices and beef wafts into the den; he sniffs.) mmmm, what is that?? Who's in my kitchen!? (hops up, strides into kitchen where Snape is at the stove standing over some large pot. Draco is astonished) Professor Snape!
Snape(turns around ominously): ..... yes?
Draco: What are you doing?
Snape: Cooking.
Draco(goes to inspect): what - cooking? is that stew?
Snape: Yes.
Draco: Nooooooooooooo - you can't do this to me!!
Snape: Casualties along the way.
Draco: Casualties? What? that's STEW. I love stew. You can't be cooking it NOW.
Snape: I'm sorry, Draco, but you'll have to accept it.
Draco: I will accept some if you offer me any-
Snape: You can't have any.
Draco: That was not the proper answer, Professor.
Snape: Go where you can't smell it..
Draco: This is so terrible - why do you wait until the week when I can't EAT-
Snape: GO.
Draco: Oh, all right.. (exit)
Soon the smell draws Lupin and Black to the kitchen -
Black: SNAPE!
Snape(darkly): .... Hungry?
Lupin(sudden realization): Ahh -haha!
Black: You are trying to poison them!
Snape: I would not go through all this trouble, I assure you...
Black(sniffs): That - that's not for dinner!
Snape: Yes... Too bad you can't have any.
Lupin: Severus - it's just not morally acceptable to hide away your cooking prowess until the week when half the household can't eat-
Snape: ..Moralizing makes a bad cook, Lupin.
Black: Well, don't think you can tempt me with your beef stew. I have too strong a will for any of that nonsense! (storms out)
Lupin: You're as bad as he is- (follows)
Snape(tastes stew): .. Good.
(Enter Voldemort)
Voldemort: YOU'RE cooking? I didn't know you knew how to cook.
Snape: ..Apparently.
Voldemort: Stew. Good (pulls out spoon, reaches for pot, but Snape pulls it away in time) Hey!
Snape: Tasting is the cook's privilege--
Voldemort(leans close, threateningly): Is that so....?
Snape: ..You get the finished product, it's much better.
Voldemort: Well said - I was concerned for your welfare for a moment there...
Snape: You don't have to wait for long.
Voldemort: What about our friend Sirius Black?
Snape: He is planning to be stubborn..
Voldemort: Good - that means you'll be cooking for the rest ofthe week, does it?
Snape: ... It may require slight modification
Voldemort: I think you give him too much credit.
Snape: We'll see...
One hour later in Bedroom Number Two, we find Sirius laying on his bed, head covered with pillow
Black(muffled): I CAN STILL SMELL IT -- NOOOOOOOOOO!
Lupin: It wasn't that good.
Black: LYING!
Lupin(chuckles): Ok, well....
Black: DAMN!