Warnings: abuse of HP characters; "Hints of Slash," physical activities.
Day 24, Friday
Draco has already relocated the refrigerator. ("Stupid Nosy Werewolf.") It currently resides in his room in the closet, hidden behind robes. Unfortunately, there always seems to be someone in his room whenever he tries to get it. He is even jealous of Professor Snape - ever since that suspicious late night card game, the man is simply not to be trusted.
Now Draco makes his way to the kitchen refrigerator. He finds Snape and Tonks sitting at the table. He stops in the doorway, looking quite put out.
Draco: What's all this?
Tonks: What do you mean 'what's all this'? You know you don't really OWN the kitchen - we can sit at the table if we want.
Snape: Draco... You can enter now.
Draco:.... Yes, thank you, Professor. (goes to the refrigerator; rummages through) Why have we been out of food since that Wormtail showed up??
Tonks: Good question! Maybe he's the late night snacker.
Draco: We're out of EVERYTHING! All we have is pickled beets!
Snape(drolly): They're healthy.
Draco: I don't like pickled beets.
Tonks: What happened to your ice cream?
Draco: .... I'm not in the mood for ice cream.
Tonks(rolls eyes, mutters): spoiled brat.
Draco(throws door shut; looks to the ceiling and whines): Big Brother!!! Why are we out of food?!! All we've had is PANCAKES for the last day and half!! How are we supposed to keep up appearances when we're malnourished!!!
Tonks: Can't you whine elsewhere?!
Snape(quietly): No, watch.. they'll listen to him..
BigBrother: ATTENTION, HOUSEMATES!
Tonks: what?!
Draco: That's what I thought. (leans back against wall, arms folded. And wherever else they may be, housemates look toward the ceiling for the latest news.)
BigBrother: It has been brought to our attention that you have had nothing but pancakes for the last three meals, so we have graciously decided to offer a challenge today for foodstuffs.
Dumbledore(living room): Vegetables...
BigBrother: Vegetables included, yes, Professor Dumbledore. To win this challenge..you must first direct your attention to the back yard.
(General complaining as the housemates gather in the back yard. Most housemates stare at the new and frightening contraptions in the yard - but Black gazes longingly at the jacuzzi as Big Brother continues the explanation.)
BigBrother: What you see before you is an Obstacle Course. It is a course which you must complete despite the obstacles. To your right you will see the starting and finishing lines demarcated by yellow tape on the grass. (they dutifully walk over to the tape and mill about) After the starting line there is a series of small water pools which you must jump over. Not very challenging. That black mass of tubing is a line of tires which you must crawl through.
Hermione: What if someone gets stuck?
BigBrother: Someone should be assisted in that case.
Hermione: Ok.
BigBrother: Then you turn the corner and face the starting line again - this time you must climb on that metal apparatus which muggles call "Monkey Bars" and swing across it.
Voldemort: I object!
BigBrother: SILENCE. (Voldemort glares) You will also notice the mud pit beneath said Monkey Bars.
Voldemort: .. damn...
BigBrother: Then that elevated wooden plank. You have to successfully walk across that. Turn again and face away from the starting line - you see your next row of obstacles..
Black(to Lupin): I never realized the yard was this big before..
BigBrother: This row is devoted to a sandpit you must cross... by pole vault
Harry: POLE VAULT!
Voldemort: I'm fine with pancakes, I think....
Dumbledore: They're sounding better and better by the minute, don't you think, Tom?
BigBrother: The last obstacle involves tires again. You see in the final row there are tires flat
on the ground. Your goal is to run through them, a foot in each one.. BUT note also the baseball bat in front of them. You must spin around, head down to the bat end, FIVE times before embarking on this final leg of the race.
Hermione: RACE!
Lupin: Did anyone understand that last direction??
BigBrother: Mr. Potter will demonstrate.
Harry: What!?
BigBrother: Housemates, you must get 7 people through the course in 10 minutes. That's a passing rate.
Hermione: it would take one person 5 minutes!
BigBrother: It can be done, Miss Granger. We'll give you ten minutes to prepare, then the timer will begin. GOOD LUCK
Harry: Ok, with this bat thing - you just - (pulls out his wand to demonstrate) pretend this is the bat. See you just lean over and spin around - you get dizzy if you do it more than twice.
Voldemort: They're evil.
Harry: Yes.
Snape: Seven people must get through. I elect all but professor Dumbledore, Lord Voldemort, and myself.
Pettigrew: How's that work out, Severus?
Snape: I elected first.
Black: But you're in better health than ... this one.. (gestures toward Pettigrew)
Lupin: He means you have less chance of being pushed and trampled on the course.
Snape: I'm not playing.
Draco: I don't want to play either-
Voldemort: Someone has to play - I would, of course, but I have a bad back.
(Dumbledore grins, but does not volunteer.)
Tonks: Why don't we VOTE on who should stay out?
Others: Yeah!
Black: All in favour of Snape playing and Rat not playing, say I!
All: I!!! (Voldemort and Dumbledore raise their hands too.)
Pettigrew: Good! (sits on ground, watches cheerfully)
Snape: I hope you're happy now, Black. You don't have to worry about pushing and trampling.. you have to worry about being pushed and trampled.
Black: I'm not so sure about that-
Dumbledore: In keeping with my Benevolent Old Sage act, I would like to take this time to remind you that you need to cooperate in order to win. As Hermione pointed out, if someone gets stuck, you should help.
Tonks: We should decide on the order too. Harry, do you want to lead the way?
Harry: I don't want to, but I guess I should.
Black: I'll follow you, Harry. (and they start to form into a raggedy line - the current order: Harry, Black, Lupin, Tonks, Hermione, Draco, Snape.)
Draco: Professor Snape, I think you should go in front of me.
Snape: Scared of Granger? Fine. (they switch places)
Hermione: He should be!
(Before they know it Big Brother comes back to announce that the timer will begin momentarily)
BigBrother: Good luck.. Your ten minutes will start in 3..... 2...... 1... NOW!!!
(Harry runs - jumps deftly over the first few water hazards and starts crawling through the tubs)
Hermione: GO SIRIUS!!
Black: OH! Right!!
(Black goes, and the line follows close behind- - too close in the case of Malfoy and Snape- Draco accidently lands on Snape's robe as he tries to jump, and they both fall into the water)
Snape: DRACO!!
Draco: OHH! You were too slow, Professor!
Snape: GO IN FRONT!
Hermione(in the gigantic line waiting at the tires): DONT WORRY! THERES NO RUSH!
Snape: I'm hardly rushing, Miss Granger.. I'm soaking wet!!
(Suddenly a voice rings out from the tires "I'M STUCK!!")
Snape(loud grumble): LUPIN!
Tonks: I'll save you!
Black: Coming! (climbs out of tires, runs back around on the outside) WHERE ARE YOU!??
Lupin: I don't know!
Black: Well where's Tonks?
Draco: HURRY UP!!
Tonks(from inside tires): HERE!
Black: That doesn't help either!
(Meanwhile Harry is crossing the monkey bars with ease)
Tonks: I'll tickle you! that should get you hurrying up!
Lupin: AGH!
Hermione(also in tires): GO!
The tires lurch, and a red-faced and sweaty Lupin crawls out the end, like some parody of a cow birth.
Lupin: I don't like this challenge!
Tonks: OK! GO!!
(they all move along again--
From the sidelines)
Dumbledore: I say, Tom, this is quite entertaining.
Voldemort: I'm enjoying myself.
Pettigrew: heh, Snivellus is soaked.
Back on the battle field-
At the head of the line, Harry has safely cleared the monkey bars and wooden bar - now he is at the pole vault. He takes up the pole, runs, sticks it into the ground and jumps - makes it about 3 feet before he falls into the sand.
Black: Hahah!
Harry: YOUR TURN! (runs through the rest of the sand pit)
Black: .. uh oh...
Lupin(has caught up): Show us how it's done, Padfoot.
Black: Ah.. right (takes pole) make way, make way.. (Lupin and Tonks now move aside) Ok.. you just.. run.. and.. vault... (he runs, sticks the pole down - it slips in the sand, and he doesn't vault anywhere.) er...
Lupin: Good! Move along!
Tonks: Your turn.
Back in the line:
Hermione: .. monkey bars - I hate them.. (she climbs up and swings about four bars into it, then loses her momentum and hangs) AH!!!
Snape(waiting): Miss Granger - if you would please move along!
Hermione: I'm STUCK!!
Draco(waiting next to Snape): Oh bloody Mudblood..
Snape sighs in exasperation, then stalks out through the mud (a foot deep) to Hermione.
Hermione: What are you doing?!
Snape: Getting us food, unless you'd rather crawl through the mud....
Hermione: oh - uh, ok! (Snape grabs hold of her legs and supports her as she goes through the rest of the monkey bars)
Snape: You would get stuck in the middle...
Hermione(climbs down, embarrassed): er, thanks, Professor Snape.
Snape: Move along, move along (stalks back)
Draco(already on the bars): Will you help me if I get stuck?
Snape: GO!
Meanwhile Harry has reached the bat and tires - now he is stumbling dazedly through the maze of tires - of course Sirius and Lupin have caught up to him, and when he trips - they all fall down.
Tonks(shows up looking rather sandy): I ... er ...broke the pole vault pole.
Black: HAHAHAH!
Tonks: hehe. It just cracked - I guess I'm gaining weight these days.. SO - are you guys going to finish this race, or should I leave you alone?
Harry: If they would move!!
(they struggle ineffectually; the tires do not seem to want to let them go)
Harry: I'm stuck!
Black: Moony, now is neither the time nor the place!
Lupin: Very funny.
Tonks(helps them get up): I think we're making good time!
Harry: I don't know - look at those three!
With no pole vault pole, Hermione and Draco have simply run through the sand pit. Hermione is now spinning around with the bat, and stumbling off the wrong way as if drunk - Draco is chasing after her and trying to steer her in the proper direction without actually touching her-
Draco: Where are you going! The tires are THIS way!! (points forcefully at tires)
And far in the back Snape, with muddy shoes, keeps slipping off the wooden bar and stumbling about-
Snape: ARGH!
Harry: Yeah, we're doomed...
Black: Well - at least WE four can finish - move it! (accidently pushes Harry a bit too encouragingly, he falls face first into the tires again)
Harry: SIRIUS!
Black: heh - oops!
Tonks(to Lupin): These two are hopeless
Lupin: He hasn't even been drinking!
Black: All right, all right!
Finally Draco and Hermione reach the tires - he's lost his patience and is pulling her along by the sleeve.
Draco: Ok! There are the tires! GO!
Hermione: Quiet, Malfoy! I just... happen to have a bad sense of balance! (stumbles through, trips into Tonks, who is standing four tires in.) Sorry!
Lupin: This is a scene. (Now there are two pairs of struggling people on either side of him; he is stranded in the tires)
Snape(walking past through sand): Well, you're in fine company there, Lupin.
Lupin(shrugs helplessly): I am amidst the fallen! There's no hope!
BigBrother: Attention, housemates - you have one minute left to complete the obstacle course.
(General Pandemonium)
Draco(in a tire, waiting): MOVE!
Hermione: I hate tires!
Black: GO!!
Harry: Get off my foot!
Black: That's a tire, not me!
Lupin: Hey - hey, don't move the tires, or you'll trip me too!
Tonks: Hahahahah!
Snape spins around with the bat; catches his balance and waits for the tires to clear..
Back across the yard-
Pettigrew: I can't watch - they're not going to make it!
Dumbledore: I don't know, it's going to be close.
Voldemort: I bet they don't...
Dumbledore: Tom, now, I know better than to bet with you...
Snape(still reeling): Are you gone yet!?
Draco: MOVE, LADIES!
Tonks: Come on, Hermione! (helps her up - they stumble towards the finish line. Meanwhile, Harry, Black and Lupin collapse across it in a heap)
Black: WE MADE IT!
Harry: COME ON, EVERYONE! WE CAN DO IT!
(Hermione drags her foot over the last tire and falls across the line, Tonks one step ahead)
Draco: Finally, all clear! (deftly darts through the tires now that he's not dizzy anymore; he turns around primly) COME ON, PROFESSOR SNAPE!
Snape(hand to head): .... I hate.. tires... (but he walks through, taking his time; one foot per tire -) Big Brother... how much time do I have?
BigBrother: Ten seconds.
Snape(looks ahead - four tires left): ..... (breaks out into a jumping dash)
Tonks: DONT FALL!
The last tire catches Snape's foot; he falls foward - but Hermione and Tonks reach back across the line and pull him in-
BigBrother: ... very close, housemates. But you won..
Black: Amazing!
Harry: YEAH!
Snape(straightening his robes): That was horrendous.
Draco: Undignified.
Tonks(throws back head, arms held high): WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEEEENDDDS!
Voldemort: She seems to know a bit of muggle music.
Dumbledore(shrugs): I wonder what vegetables we win.
Voldemort: I'm sick of hearing about your damned vegetables.
Dumbledore(chuckles): Maybe they'll hav some fruit for you.
BigBrother: It wasn't pretty, but you did it, housemates. See the kitchen for more prize details... That is all.
Harry: Let's go see what we won!
Lupin: Good, you can cook tonight, Harry.
When they reach the kitchen, the housemates finds Dumbledore's vegetables in a large basket. The freezer is filled with various meats, and even the most mundane baking supplies have been restored.
Tonks: It's like we're on holiday!
Snape(ironically): Wonderful I'm going to change... water... mud... sand... could have grown the food for less trouble.. (storms off)
Voldemort: Glad to see Severus in such a fine mood as usual.
Upstairs in Bedroom Number Two, Snape goes to the closet to find clean robes- senses that something is amiss.. Perhaps it is the way Draco's robes seem to be hanging... not quite straight.. He moves one aside and spots the refrigerator.
Snape(frowns): ... Surely there were better places than this, Malfoy. (pause.... thoughtful consideration; then he picks up the refrigerator - pulling out the plug as he does - and sneaks out of the room....)
Three hours later, Draco finally finds his room free - tiptoes triumphantly to the closet, only to find the precious ice cream - the entire refrigerator! - missing.
Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!