Day 17, Friday
Sunrise, Diary Room:
A blood-curdling yowl then a yelp - and a human groan. Now a long pause, the only sound during which is an exhausted panting. Finally robes rustling, and the scratch of the chair against the floor as it is set upright once again... stumbling footsteps until suddenly the towel falls off the camera revealing a very dishevelled Lupin. Sweating, hair a mess, he's dead white except for flushed cheeks and blood shot eyes. He stumbles back from the camera, looking very much like one of Dostoevsky's consumptive madmen.
Lupin(still short of breath): morning, audience...! .. today's challenge ..is to see if Remus can get up the stairs and into his bed without collapsing unconscious... somewhere along the way...
Eventually he makes it to the top of the stairs and stops to rest. He notices a pair of round black eyes staring at him.
Lupin: Bertie... you're awake too.. hey... (the cat sniffs, hisses and runs away) heh....
Ten minutes later Lupin stumbles into Bedroom Number Two; Draco, Snape and Sirius all in their beds asleep.. He looks up at his own bed, daunted..
Lupin: eh.... mornings....(climbs very gingerly to the top, sits, steadies himself - realizes the blue towel is still slung over his shoulder)..yeh.. time to throw in the towel.. (lets it drop over the edge; it crumples satisfactorily on the floor- a quiet sardonic voice comments "You're alive..")
Lupin(looks down, sees that Snape has an eye open, directed at him): yes..
Snape: ...is everyone else?
Lupin: 'far as I know..
Snape: ... even the cat?
Lupin: yes.. she ran away in the hall just now..
Snape: Good.
Lupin(collapses into pillow): ..'mno' coming 'o breakfas'....
Snape: Ah.. good, perhaps the hash browns will be brown today..
But breakfast is not to be the idyllic, Lupin-free paradise that Snape imagines; Lupin-free yes, idyllic...
--BUT FIRST, let us stop by the women's bathroom, where even more DOOM looms on the horizon - DOOM so heavy it hurts to breathe - DOOM so thick you could get tangled in it -DOOM so viscous it clogs arteries like-
TheAuthor: Ahem!
Hermione Granger enters. She picks out a shower and inspects for signs of a counter attack. Nothing. So she slings her towel over the door and turns on the water... Soon Tonks comes in, quietly singing to herself.
Tonks: Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity/ I�m a racing car passing by --like lady godiva! -- Morning, Hermione!
Hermione: Good morning, Tonks
Tonks: Quiet morning today... TOO QUIET!
Hermione: oh, go on! - it's... uh....
Tonks: Ah hah, I knew it just needed a little... prodding. What's the problem, Hermione?
Hermione: The drain isn't draining..
Tonks(turns around): Ah, I see it's flooding. Turn off the water.
Hermione: Yes. (turns off; the towel disappears into the stall)
Tonks: I'll check the next one.. (goes into the next stall, turns on water.. waits)
Hermione: EWW! What is this!?
Tonks: Did you find something??
Hermione: Yeah, looks like.. (she sticks her hand out of the stall; by thumb and forefinger she is holding a large soaked clump of.....
Tonks: HAIR!
Hermione: THEY BROUGHT IT BACK!
Tonks: Hahahahaha!! Oh dear - yes, it's in here too - I can't - it's THOSE DIRTY -- They ran the water on it already to pack it down!!
Hermione: OHhhhh Malfoys -- and there's still more in here that I can't get!
Tonks: We'll just have to take THEIR showers today!
Hermione: Let's go!
(In the hallway, Tonks and Hermione come across Harry, who is also on the way to the men's bathroom.)
Harry: good morning.... where are you going?
Hermione(primly): Your showers. Ours are out-of-order..
Harry(smiles): I know (runs ahead) You can't use ours!
Hermione: HARRY!!!
Tonks: Hahah - he was in on it too! Now the real question is whether Sirius is in on it..
Hermione: If Harry is, Sirius has to be... (they reach the bathroom door which Harry has locked.) OPEN UP!! We're coming in!!
Tonks: Come on, let's go through the other one.. heheh
Harry is surprised to find Albus Dumbledore at the stove cooking pancakes when he arrives in the kitchen at 850.
Dumbledore: Good morning, Harry.
Harry: Hello, Professor Dumbledore
(sudden loud laughter from the direction of the sun room)
Dumbledore: ah, now.. I'd better go oversee... Can you keep an eye on these for me, Harry? (turns slowly and holds the plastic spatula out to him as if it is some weapon of Arthurian proportions.)
Harry: uh.. Are you sure you want to entrust me with this, Professor Dumbledore?
Dumbledore(nods solemnly): I believe the time is come now, Harry, for you to accept the responsibilities that hereby fall upon you when I this transfer noble utensil into your possession...
Harry: I accept. (slowly takes the spatula; the lights dim and the spatula shimmers, emitting a warm golden light of its own - a halo-
BigBrother: NO MAGIC!!! - NOT EVEN FOR SPECIAL EFFECTS, PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!!
Dumbledore: (snaps fingers in mock disappointment, everything incidentally returns to normal) Too bad. (to Harry) I hope you know to flip them when the bubbles appear...
Harry: er, yes.
Dumbledore: good. (winks, exits)
Black(has been waiting in doorway): Ok, Harry. No accepting strange kitchen utensils without my permission..
Harry(looks crestfallen): But... it was from Professor Dumbledore.
Black(strolls over nonchalantly): Yes, but you just don't know who is trustworthy these days... (suddenly) YOU didn't tell me about the shower prank!!!
Harry: (grins) That's what you get for showering in there!
Black: I flooded half the place out before I noticed!
Harry: Hey! and don't steal the pancake batter!
Black(finger in the mix): But - Oh come on, Harry.. you must realize how I've been deprived of pancake batter these past years!
Harry: I-
Black: Not a single baked good in 12 years!! FAR too long - you don't know how I suffered and LONGED for pancake batter in Azkaban-
Harry(darkly): You shouldn't joke about that.
Black(serious hand on Harry's shoulder): Harry. All tragedy is comedy. and All comedy is tragedy..(pauses a moment before reaching for more batter)
Harry: HEY! (smacks him with spatula)
Black(jerks away): Ow! Oh! (laughs) assaulted by my own godson!
Harry(eyes glittering mischievously): You are trying to sneak pancake batter!!
Black(arch grin): Ahhh!! -- But you cannot defeat me so easily, Missssster Potter! (throws open a drawer and whips out a whisk, brandishes it melodramatically)
Harry: oh! Not so fast! (goes into dueling position)
Black: ENGARDE!
(the "sword fight" begins - not shortly thereafter Snape walks in, stops)
Snape(nods, grumbling to self): ... this is what happens when I don't take over for him...
(Suddenly Harry is pushed, loses his balance and falls into Snape) POTTER!
Potter: Uh - sorry, Professor Snape, didn't see you there!
Snape: It's amazing, Black - how you manage to bring out the worst in everyone! (storms out, calls over his shoulder) And don't burn the food!
Black(glares): turn over the pancakes, Harry. I'm a responsible parental figure...
Harry(flipping pancakes, which are a bit brown on one side): oh, just ignore Snape. He's a grumpy old son of a ... git even when he's in a good mood.
Black(grins): AS you were! (they continue their fight)
It is not long before Harry and Black have finished cooking, and the others have arrived at the table.
Snape(to Malfoys): and when did you do that?
Lucius: I didn't do it - I sent him in around 12 last night.
(Draco grins with smug pride.)
Hermione(superciliously at Draco): You know, you'd have less circles around your eyes if you slept more. You shouldn't try to prank AND protect the ice cream AND get a beauty rest all the same day.
Draco: I'm sure I'd appreciate your concern, Granger, but honestly, you are the last person from whom I would ever take beauty tips...
(Dangerous silence as Hermione and Draco glare at each other...)
Black(pan in hand, threateningly close to Snape's head): Professor Snape, are you being served?
Snape: ..... (the eyes turn) No.
Black: Well, here are some pancakes.. Now, I know how you always complain about Remus not cooking the hash browns enough, so I let your pancakes stay in a little longer.. (flips them onto Snape's plate; they are quite brown and bounce when they hit.)
Snape(takes a deep breath): I hope you made especially strong coffee today, Black....
Black: Oh yeah - (looks over shoulder at percolater): should be.. - eh heheh..
Dumbledore(notices it): Ah... a little too concerned about the pancakes, eh?
(The water has dripped through.... and remained water, since clearly someone forgot to put the coffee grounds in the filter.)
Harry: Oops..
Snape: ..... (drums fingers on table irritably)
Draco(comforting hand on Snape's shoulder - Snape is rather surprised at the unusual mark of sympathy from a Malfoy): Well, Professor Snape, sir, I think you should adopt a sense of humour about these things - after all, where would we be without the incompetence of others?
(Snape blinks.)
Dumbledore: Those aren't ... the exact words I would use, but I agree with your general sentiment, Draco.
Snape(turns directly to Draco, speaks evenly): Thank you, Draco.. You know..patience is a virtue that I am still trying to master... But, by the time you graduate I may very well be more patient than Professor Dumbledore... Or.. years from now, you may be found dead in a secret dungeon passageway..
(even Black has to chuckle at that one)
Lucius: No, Severus - I think I should have that privilege..
Snape: ..flip a coin..?
Draco(haughtily offended): So.. what we were discussing? Oh yes, there's no coffee.
Snape: I may just go back to bed today..
Tonks: You complain an awful lot, Severus, but you never help out! Funny that...
Snape: There is usually enough help.. But how could I have guessed that you would disappear the minute our nocturnal friend decided to sleep in...? Funny that too..
Tonks(slightly red): Everyone needs a day off now and then...
Hermione: So..... how about syrup, anyone?
Lucius: Good idea (takes syrup from next to Hermione, turns it upside-down to squeeze some out for himself; the entire lid falls off and goops onto his plate) uh...
Hermione: 3-1!
Tonks: Hahahah!
Black: heheh..
Snape: (looks upward) Big Brother... all I ask for is one quiet morning... one hour's worth of peace.... is it so difficult..or must I also sprain my back to get a little rest..??
Later we find Voldemort in the sun room (surprise), a patch of sunlight is now illuminating his left foot. He glares at it, but it doesn't move.
Voldemort: Shoo - damn light... Only in one little corner.. Just enough to make one's foot too hot for the rest of the body....and of course I'm IMMOBILE!! ....I think I enjoyed more autonomy on the back of Quirrel's head...
Just then Draco enters with a tray of tea supplies.
Voldemort: Ah, Draco, there's a thoughtful child... You must want something.
Draco: Only to help a fellow sufferer.. (hands him his cup of tea)
Voldemort: Oh yes, you're a good little brown-noser.. Tell me, what was all that yelling about in the kitchen this morning?
Draco(sits himself elegantly on other sofa): Oh... that.. yes, Potter and Black had a duel with kitchen utensils (rolls eyes).. I think Potter hit himself with the spatula or something to that effect..
Voldemort(shakes head): it's enough to make one believe in a supreme deity - or at least an Absolute Good --- the fact that such an incompetent little imbecile has managed to cause me so much trouble...
Draco: Father and Professor Snape and I miss you at the kitchen table. When are you coming back?
Voldemort: (still lost in thought)... Oh, I don't know... have -- Actually, Draco, if you do want to help a fellow sufferer, you can go upstairs and play a trombone in your room..
Draco(indifferently): I don't have a trombone.
Voldemort: You know what I mean.. Don't let that fiend werewolf have a fitful sleep.. he's the reason I'm stuck here.. (Draco moves as if to get up and leave) Oh, and throw that - that pillow over here.. I need something to block out this sun before my foot fries fit to be barbequed....
So Draco heads upstairs for yet another prank.. But as he is about to enter the room, he notices a one Nymphadora Tonks carrying a tray with soup on it..
Draco: hm.. (leans in the doorway, observes silently. Tonks glances up to see if Lupin is awake.. no... She pauses in thought - to wake him or not? Draco grins and suddenly..) AAAAAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (he ducks back out again)
Tonks: AGH! (drops tray - CRASH!) Oh!
Lupin(sits up wide awake, shaking and reaching frantically for wand): WHO-- !!
Tonks(cringes): don't.. it's just me, Remus!
Lupin(looks down): Oh... hi Tonks (falls back down into pillow, arm hanging lifeless over side)
Tonks: Er... now that you're awake... heh - sorry, I dropped - SOMEONE sneezed (runs out to hall, sees no one, darts back) But, eh.. I was bringing soup - I thought you might be awake by now..?
Lupin: rghmmm Yes?
Tonks: I can get you another bowl?
Lupin:.. think I'll pass for now...
Tonks(quietly): oh! ok! I'll er.. clean this up and let you be! (grabs nearest towel, swipes up, throws mess onto tray, stands up again to inspect)
Lupin: yeahhh thanks
Tonks: sorry! (takes his hand, which is hanging tantalizing by her head, squeezes supportively) You just get your rest.. (grabs tray, exits)