for the curious: Dumbledore's "random selections" really were random.
Warnings: general abuse of HP characters; "Hints of Slash," "Hints of Het" I think I'll invent - god knows, if you think it implies something, it probably does.
Day 11, Saturday Nominations
Draco is in a foul mood the next morning, since he's lost his hair products AND sprained his right arm. He meets Dumbledore in the kitchen exceptionally early, since he doesn't have 20 minutes of hair prep to go through now. His arm hangs in a sloppily-crafted sling.
Dumbledore: Morning, Draco.
Draco(scowling): .. too early
Dumbledore: What happened to your arm?
Draco: Fell out of bed last night. Professor Snape startled me - says it's not broken but sprained. But we still can't fix it. (looks toward ceiling) Ohhhh, Big Brother?? Why can't we do magic just to fix my arm???? It hurts!
BigBrother: Consider it a survival game, Mr. Malfoy.
Draco(sighs): Certainly feels as though I'm living in the jungle... no magic.. no decent books.. and it's always too hot in here on top of it all!
(Dumbledore grins - but luckily he is facing away as he brews the pot of tea on the stove, so Malfoy doesn't notice.)
Shortly thereafter in Bedroom Number Two:
Black(almost a shout): ahhhHH - HAH!
Lupin: mphah! (wakes up, looks around frantically reaching for wand) What - what!?
Black: HAH!! ANOTHER LETTER! (jumps up from bed below Lupin, waving the envelope)
Lupin(sigh): I thought they had launched the final offensive..
Black: It may be just that! Let's see what it says - (opens, reads gleefully) "Dearest Sirius" - ah, see, I've been upgraded to 'dearest.' "Dearest Sirius, get me a tether/ like birds of a feather/ we belong together. Love, Your Secret Admirer" - awwww
Lupin: (laughing) it's so terrible..
Black: They do their best!
Lupin: It has to be Snape pulling a prank on you. He has a dry sense of humour..
Black: Oh, go home - it is not Snape! He has no sense of the poetic.
Lupin: Neither does that poem!
Black: Today we shall find out!
Women's Bathroom; Tonks and Hermione have showered earlier than usual and are at the sink brushing teeth and plotting.
Tonks: What's the next step?
Hermione: We need to reveal ourselves as the perpetrators and announce our intentions of starting a battle of the sexes.
Tonks: I'm sure Draco doesn't suspect us, you're right.
Hermione: He doesn't think I use hair care products. (frowns) I don't, of course..
Tonks: Now you know the first thing he'll do is accuse the wrong person.
Hermione: Ron-
Tonks: no, no, probably Sirius or Remus.
(Just then Sirius Black sticks his head through the door)
Black(the dashing grin back out of its hiding place): Ah, talking about us?
Hermione(to Tonks): I wonder why anyone would suspect them of causing trouble!?
Lupin(goes past Black): Oh, who knows.. force of habit..
Diary Room: 1610hrs.
Professor Severus Snape strides into the room, a slight hint of agitation in his movements.
Snape: Big Brother.
BigBrother: (sigh) This is the DIARY ROOM, not the SPECIAL REQUEST room!
Snape: You should have considered that before you granted Mr. Malfoy's request for hair care products then. Besideswhich, I am not requesting anything - I have a question on the rules and regulations of this "game." (pause, Big Brother is silent, for Snape appears to be all business) Yes? Then tell me whether my nomination votes are available to the other housemates. Can they find out how I voted, or is it secret ballot? BigBrother: ... Only the audience knows.
Snape: Good. (turns smartly and exits)
Later that evening after dinner, Hermione comes across Draco Malfoy sitting in one of the wicker chairs on the back porch - she pauses, surprised.
Draco: Who's ther-- (clear note of aversion) Oh.
Hermione: Don't worry - I'm not glad to see you either, Malfoy. (but she stands her ground, and silence reigns for a good 2 minutes.)
Draco(as if this requires great effort): ... and what are you doing here?
Hermione: Just come out for a bit of fresh air- I didn't expect anyone to be here.
Draco: Neither did I........ It's cooler out here than in that - jungle! (sighs during the consequent silence) I'd be folding my arms in distaste, but one of them is incapacitated..
Hermione: Yes.. (suddenly gets a calculating look; walks over and sits next to Draco) But you know, now that you're here..
Draco: (one raised eyebrow)
Hermione: Your hair looks a bit... duller than it has the last few days.
Draco(sneer): Oh, you've noticed?
Hermione: I have.... I heard you've been missing your hair care products.
Draco: YES!
Hermione: And you think Sirius or Professor Lupin took them.
Draco(suspiciously): ... yes.
Hermione: - it's a bit odd calling one of them Sirius and the other one Professor Lupin, isn't it?
Draco(nods affably): Yes.
Hermione: Right, well -- (archly) What if... THEY HAD NOT TAKEN THEM?
Draco(eyes narrow dangerously): What are you on about.... M... mm.. Miss Granger?
Hermione: "M..m.mm.Miss Granger" - that's what I thought! - (goes back to leading him along) I mean.. What if .. The females of the house took them!?
Draco(jumps up): WHAT! (the rocking chair, moved by the sudden force of his jump, knocks into the backs of his knees) Ow!
Hermione(laughs): Yes! You are the first victim, I'm afraid....(with prim pride) In the Battle of the Sexes.. Let the war begin..
Draco: Where are they, MUDBLOOD!?
Hermione: Hm! You'll have to find them! They're in the house somewhere! (jumps up before he can catch her) GET YOUR MALE FRIENDS TO HELP YOU SEARCH! (runs back in)
Draco: WHAT! (deep breath, must remain calm).... Ohhh... so much for living peaceably together. They haven't got a chance, the two of them.. (stalks back into the house to begin the search)
Cut an hour ahead to living room: Hermione and Tonks are reading quietly -- Tonks slowly looks up.
Tonks: ... what's all that hubub in the kitchen?
--
Kitchen: The Malfoys, Voldemort, Snape -- ah, ALL THE GUYS IN THE HOUSE are standing around the kitchen table. Voldemort has drafted a house plan which they are now poring over.
Harry: Right, so spread out and launch the first offensive - I'll search in our room.
Ron: Laundry room.
Draco and Lucius(at same time): Kitchen. (They regard one another coldly)
Lucius: Draco, my dear.. surely they wouldn't be so foolish as to hide the items in our kitchen. I think your efforts would be more fruitful if you searched elsewhere - certainly you want to be at the front lines?
Draco: Fine, you can have the kitchen, father. I'll take the living room.
Voldemort: Sun room.
Dumbledore: I'll join you - we might get distracted by a game of chess, eh?
Voldemort(not without humour): You'd better hope we don't..
Black(grinning to Lupin): Women's bathroom.
(Lupin nods)
Snape: Of course that requires both of you - dangerous to go there alone..
Lupin: heh - maybe I'll take our room in that case..
Draco: They better not have hidden them in there!
(They all turn expectantly to Snape)
Snape: I suppose I'll review the bedroom of our one Miss Granger...
(Of course all this has been overheard by Hermione and Tonks, who are listening at the door; as the boys begin to leave, they wander back into the living room)
Tonks: hehehe.
Hermione(whispers): Think Professor Lupin will find them?
Tonks: What - Remus? no -(has thought) But maybe I should go distract him anyway.. hehe !
Hermione: Tonks!
Tonks: heheh... (darts away)
Hermione: I guess I'll just sit here..(plops down on sofa; Draco Malfoy enters)
Draco: Granger - this is too much exposure in one night!
Hermione: (scowls) I'll say! Good luck finding your precious products. (storms out)
Meanwhile Harry, Lupin, and Snape reach the second floor, and split up to investigate the various bedrooms. Harry to the left, Lupin and Snape to the right
Lupin: oh, Severus - wait a minute (ducks into his room; Snape folds arms and leans against the wall; Lupin returns to hand him the infamous book.)
Snape: Finished, are you?
Lupin: Yes, although I confess I only just skimmed through most of chapter 8.
Snape(leafing through): ... Chapter 8... which was that... Ah right - the one we all skim through.
Lupin: ah heh .. except for Dolores Umbridge, who apparently read it with quite an eye for detail!
Snape(amused in spite of himself): Yes, you fool, that's what you get for leaving it around where idle hands can get hold of it...(hands back the book) And you can put this back in the room, since I sleep there too.
Lupin: Oh - not worried about anyone else reading it?
Snape(as he heads down the hall): That's more your concern, really...
Meanwhile in the sun room:
Voldemort: I have to say, Albus - look at the two of us!
(Voldemort is on hands and knees looking under the sofa; Dumbledore is rather wedged between said sofa and bookshelf; he has already knocked over the plastic ficus tree in trying to get back there.)
Dumbledore(gravely): This is damned embarrassing, Tom.
Voldemort(chuckles): I know.
Dumbledore: (pause, then chuckle) There's still glass over here from when you broke the window the other day.
Voldemort: Is there? -(tries to get up, gasps suddenly) Oagh!-
Dumbledore: What have you done now?
Voldemort(clutching lower back): I think I put my back out...
Bedroom Number One:
Harry is searching around Tonks' bed, when Bertie jumps into the midst of the action.
Bertie: meh (rubs into his hand)
Harry: Er- hi, Bertie. I'm looking for Malfoy's hair care produ-- What am I doing!? You're RIGHT, Bertie! (cat looks confused) I'm not going to be used for the sake of some death eater's vanity! I have been mislead long enough! (returns to his own bed; sits and looks tragic)
Next door:
Tonks(leaning in doorway): Looking for something, Professor Lupin?
Lupin(in the process of searching Snape's pillow case): ... I'm not looking for any trouble, if that's what you mean.. Miss Tonks.
Tonks: hah - a marauder not looking for trouble...
Lupin: Speaking of which - Sirius is convinced he has a secret admirer.
Tonks(snickers): We should write the next one (sits across from Lupin on Black's bed) Let's see.. "Dearest Sirius"- there. There's my contribution.
Lupin: oh brother.. Hm.. "for you I'm all ablaze-"
Tonks: "ABLAZE"! - what am I supposed to rhyme with that?
Lupin: Well, I guess it doesn't have to rhyme..
Tonks: "To you I direct my gaze" - there, back to you.
Lupin: hm.. uh oh.. Ah - "Without you I'm in a daze"
Both: "LOVE, YOUR SECRET ADMIRER" hahahha!
Black: HA HA HAH!
(they spin to the door; there is Sirius, eyes bright at the prospect of scandal)
Black(strides in): I thought I heard conspiratorial giggling! YOU TWO-
Lupin: now, now - no need to be offended. 'Twas all in good fun -
Black: Very funny.
Tonks: Not as if everyone didn't tell you it was a joke anyway!
Black(to Lupin): You tried to convince me it was Snape!
Lupin: I had to throw you off the trail somehow-
Tonks(snickers): Snape!? Hah as if-
Black: oohhhh, I see it now, clear as day - You two came up with this scheme in the CLOSET -
Lupin: Indeed, it's all out of the closet, though-
TheAuthor: All right, all right - that's enough anti-climactic plot explanation to rival the end of book 3! Move it along, kids!
Tonks: Well, secret admirerers, secret no longer.
Black(mock bashfulness): Oh, it wasn't a secret, you two. (exeunt)
NEXT DOOR STILL - (has all happened meanwhile)
Hermione comes to the room and is surprised to see Snape there- she had temporarily forgotten that he volunteered to search her room.
Hermione: Professor Snape!
Snape(spins around; still the sneering teacher): Miss Granger, what are you doing here?
Hermione: This is MY ROOM
Snape: And three other people's as well. No.. Two now.
Hermione: Thank goodness! I hope you're not moving in.
Snape(peculiar sort of leer): Maybe I shall.....I can observe you more closely then..
Hermione(unnerved): Uh - ! Those hair care products aren't in here!
Snape(approaches intimidatingly, same expression): Where.. Are... They?
Hermione(backs out door): Not anywhere near me! (hears Black, Lupin and Tonks coming out of their room; runs off to join them; Snape remains behind, slightest trace of a smile)
BUT ALAS!
Hours later, the search comes to an end with much failure. Although Black is pleased to have discovered his secret admirer(s), Lucius Malfoy is horrified to learn that someone has taken the last ice cream sandwich earlier in the day, and Voldemort is layed up on the sun room sofa with a bad back. Draco joins him about 10pm to commiserate and complain about the lack of adequate temperature regulation in the house. Eventually Big Brother has to remind the housemates that it's Saturday and they need to report to the Diary Room for nominations....
Sirius: Well, let's see. Voldemort has been behaving himself more or less, and I dont think he can cause much trouble bed-ridden for a week. But Mr. Malfoy - hah - those handcuffs --- AND THAT CIGAR! Yes, he gets my two points, and the little Malfoy gets the other point.
Dumbledore: Nominations already, too bad. I have been enjoying everyone's company so much that I had to choose my nominees by random selection. And....(chuckles) I came up for two points, and poor Ron came up for one.
Hermione: Voldemort! Then, er... Lucius Malfoy.
Lupin: It should be clear from two - or is it three now? three - use-of-magic violations that Voldemort is dangerous and should be voted off. Two points to him and one point to Draco.
Draco: I nominate the weasel for two points, and Dumbledorf for one.
Lucius: Two points to Mr. Weasley and one to Dumbledore.
Harry: Voldemort? Anyone? two points! And er.. I guess... one for Snape.
Voldemort(from sun room sofa): Ronald Weasley must go, AUDIENCE! And the other point for good old Albus.
Snape: I nominate Black for two points and that singing nuisance Tonks for the other.
Tonks: MALFOY - Lucius, that is. Draco's amusing with the hair products.. And .. hm... You-Know-Who for one point.
Ron: I'm nominating Draco for two points! er, and I guess I should nominate V.. You know for at least one point. But he is a good chess player.
A/N: Well, there are four nominees! Have fun choosing between Voldemort (7pts), Ron (6pts), Lucius (5 pts), and Dumbledore (5 pts).