China Kidnapped Aluicious
a CJ Silva joint Janet Reno could not have asked for
a more groovy turn of events. During his "Cute Little
Western Devil Child" tour of Asia, Aluicious Higginsworth
was taken captive by the tea-sipping Communist forces of
China. During a landing at Shanghai
International Airport, the British 747 carrying everyone's
favorite sub-Elian small child bashed into several Chinese
fighters, a bus load of college students, a tank that was
about to blow up that bus load of college students, and
Premier Jiang Zemin's personal puppy dog,
Fluffikins. "The Brits will have to apologize
for running over my dog," said Jiang. The American State Department
informed the Chinese that Aluicious, is technically a
US citizen under the Cute Child Act of 2000. British Prime Minister Tony "Winky"
Blair was quick to apologize to the Chinese. "We don't know if they have anyone
like Janet Reno," said Mr. Blair, "How the hell are we gonna
deal with a real woman when we're used to this man
beast?". President Bush issued a statement
to the opposite effect. "If those bastards (the Chinese)
think that they can just give the kid to the limeys (the
Brits), they've got another spare rib and/or cup of tea
coming," said Bush, drunk on power and tequila.
The obvious lie from the Western
tea-sipping pinkos has managed to buy them and their Eastern
tea-sipping pinkos a bit more time. "Gee whiz, now I just don't know
who to give the kid to." said Jiang. "Well, it is a tough situation I
reckon," said President Bush, "We ordered some takeout, too.
That's when it hit me: The guy at Yellow Dragon forgot our
wonton, so I says to Winky, 'Hey, why don't we just tell the
Chinese leaders that they forgot our boy?'" This plan was tried, but Jiang, as
slippery a pinko as Winky Blair, caught on. A peaceful discussion and exchange
of curses became violent when one of the British ambassadors
suggested that one of the US ambassadors was perhaps
confused as to his sexual orientation. This developed into a standoff at
Shanghai Airport. While the ambassadors went at it,
Aluicious was snuck onto a plane and transported in secret
to Cuba, where he can live happily ever after with
Elian. Aluicious was first held captive by
the United States back in 2000 and was captured by a British
mercenary force and taken back to England, where his family
hooked him up with a sweet touring deal. Higginsworth,
Aluicous, caught while trying to leave the US.
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