Just a quick compilation of my personal beliefs on the subject that I get tired of having to re-type every other night in a chat room
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This link goes to a wonderful little essay: deelights What is Dominanation and Submission
Topical breakdown
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Dominance and Submissiveness are both personality traits which are contained within each and every one of us just like aggressiveness, compassion, stubbornness, etc. Regardless of whether you feel more comfortable in a submissive role, or in a dominant role, doesn't mean that at some level you still don't have some seed of the other end of the spectrum within you .
The level of your response measured in terms of dominating or submitting is affected by your immediate environment, the people you are dealing with, your current state of mind, and about 1,000 other factors which mix together and decide at a particular instant on the role you are assuming at that moment. This why a normally submissive woman will snap the nose off a man that she finds offensive in a chat room and then curl up in the lap of another man like a purring kitten.
She feels submissive to one and not the other, maybe because she admires him, maybe because she thinks he's really hot in cyber, maybe because he has a better looking profile picture, or maybe the first guy in the example just used a word or phrase that she despises, but that's all it amounts to and its no big secret.
Anyone that believes they are 100% sub or 100% Dom 24 hours a day and 7 days a week needs to have a nice little reality check:
sub's...submit to the wishes of your children and let them run wild for a day,
Dom's...go push your boss out from behind his desk and tell him how things need to be run.
After you've put out the house fire and found another job take time to think about just how dominant or submissive Reality allows you to be.
If you draw a line and mark one end as submissive
and the other dominant:
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Then somewhere on that line your going to have a comfort zone you fall into, its the place where your standing when your at peace with yourself and your surroundings and how you deal with them.
i.e.....sitting in masters
lap and purring like a kitten and then dashing to the kitchen to get him a
fresh soda when you see him finish the last swallow in his glass.
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i.e.....choosing the way your submissive will wear her hair because she wants it to be pleasing to you all the time.
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That doesn't mean that you can't go from feeling very happy as a submissive and reacting in a submissive way to being Dominant and in control of a situation calls for it and you decide to take action, it just means you aren't comfortable in that role.
i.e.....as a submissive telling the
mechanic that just handed you a bill for $200 because he changed your
windshield wiper blades that you'll sue him, no first you'll kick his ass Then
sue him if he doesn't stop trying to screw you just because you look better in
a skirt than he does.
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So were does the 'Switch' fall into my little dissertation
here? Right in the middle of course. A switch
is a person that sometimes likes the feeling that comes from being told to
kneel, and at other times likes to be the one that gives the command to kneel,
because their comfort zone for controlling and being controlled floats dead in
the middle of our spectrum line.
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Now is this the Holy BDSM Bible explanation for the 3 different categories of personalities in the various lifestyles? Why absolutely not of course. Check the top of the page again needle wits and you'll see that this page is full of my personal beliefs and what makes dealing with the lifestyle workable for me.
Dominance and submission is based on a relationship with agreed power exchange...not sex, not kinky sex, not serving, not romanticizing, it's about an agreed upon exchange of power where the sub gives the power to make decisions to whatever degree she is comfortable with to the dominant in the belief that the choices that he makes are going to be in her best interest and with the promise to obey them.
Anyone that actually believes they have served, or been served in an online D/s relationship is probably in a lot worse need of a social life than I am, and I only leave the house to go to the store and work.
OMG!!!, yes I just downplayed the entire internet experience!
Face it, for most people people being
online is a form of fantasy escapism, their notions and ideas about serving or
being served are only remotely related to reality because they don't Want them to touch reality.
Reality is what they logged on to
on to the the internet to get away from!
For these people serving up a dance or a ritual normally
involves a copy paste from notepad, and lets be big enough to admit it...if
that's a service its a pretty cheap one, in exchange for a pat on the head, a
few good pet comments, and some creative one handed typing.
If I tell a sub to go to bed, she hasn't served me when she dives beneath the covers, she has obeyed me. Maybe I find gratification in her obedience, but its not serving in the sense that she has done a service 'for' me. A sub has served me, when she has done something for me that I could have done myself, or done something that gratifies me on an emotional level.
To be honest I never felt my heart throb in joy after a girl followed my command to put socks on so her feet wouldn't get cold.
Yes most D/s relationships have an element of sex involved, most villa relationships do to.
What's the difference between the two relationships?
In D/s there has been an exchange of power so that one of the partners is recognized as being the boss. Don't get trapped in the tunnel vision that says a D/s relationship involves sex where the sub gets spanked before they make big time whoopee.
That's sadomasochism and in vanilla relationships it happens to, wife ties up hubby and whacks him with a paddle, then hubby ties up wife and whacks her a couple times with a paddle then they start working on making the sheets sticky with the only dominant commanding coming at that point where the hubby gets his knee on his wife's hair and she tells him to Stop...Now...and Move....
Sadomasochism is a sexual fetish, some people like it, some don't and as I try to demonstrate with my analogy to French fries all the time, just because I eat my fries seasoned a certain way doesn't mean you have to eat them the same way, and it doesn't mean that I'm wrong or your wrong, it just means we're two different people that each have different likes and dislikes.
On a related topic, what qualifies as abuse?
If I tie a girl down and flog her butt black and blue, am I being abusive? Abuse is defined by the circumstances and intent, not the actions.
If I engage in a consensual session with a girl and turn her butt into a waffle board, and she is perfectly happy with that, it isn't abuse, that's something that's going to bring her around for a second helping the next time she needs to get 'that' itch scratched
If I so much as hint at something like "If you loved me you'd let me...." , if I physically bully her into letting me blister her ass with a paddle, or if I just knock her down and tie her up without consent and flog her while ignoring her cries for release, then guess what, then it becomes abuse.
Abuse comes about when a Dom does potentially lasting mental, physical, or emotional INJURY to their submissive intentionally.
*as a footnote, someone pointed out that mentally unhealthy people do abusive things all the time without intent, I point out that if the person is mentally unhealthy enough you can recognize it and you choose to stay, then you get what you got coming*
That doesn't mean inflicts pain, that doesn't mean does damage, that means exactly what it says...inflicts an injury. There are subs that like pain, there are subs that like a little damage done to their person, but I haven't met any submissive's that comes to mind who likes to be emotionally hamstrung, mentally eviscerated, or physically crippled.
When a submissive offers the power of control over her life to whatever degree to a Dom, if he accepts the right to make choices for her, he assumes the responsibility for her spiritual, emotional, and physical health. If he's doing something to, or with her that doesn't have those three interests first, if he is doing something that betrays the trust that the submissive has placed in him to care for those things, then its abusive even if he never lays a hand on her or never says a word to her.
So what's the sub to do when suddenly her super master dom who has been all flowers and
sunshine starts banging her head on the kitchen counter after a bad day at
work?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!!
Anyone miss that? Well just in case....
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!!
Get distance, get safety, then look back at it all and decide if it was a misunderstanding, an intentional act of violence, or a fist fight you started and lost...but do it from a distance, not sobbing on the bathroom floor. Because believe it or not, abuse doesn't start at a physical level, it starts at a mental and emotional level, if it is abuse and has gone to physical, then the rest of your life in that place is measured on a stop watch!
Think you need help? Not certain what to do or how to go about it?
Want to know more and find places and people that can and will help you out?
Try going here...
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/
...I'm writing about BDSM, not abuse in specific, and that's a better
resource with more information than I could ever provide. Still have
questions? Email me then, maybe I can't help you, but I promise to find
the ones that can.
Is a sub better that a slave?
I answer this question with the question 'Who gives a shit?'.
BDSM is all about whatever makes things work for a couple. If the sub gets a thrill out of being called a slave, or if the Dom gets a kick out of calling her a slave, more power too them.
If it irks your sense about the natural order of things in the universe when you see it happen, then you have a Lot more time to worry about the small shit in life than I do.
What is the difference between a sub and a slave? The only thing your going to get a majority to agree upon about that question is that everyone agrees the spelling isn't the same, then the discussion is going to break down in beating dead horses.
Personally I look at slavery as a choice that is made by the submissive to place her total faith and trust in her dominant and give him absolute control over her. I look at it as a submissive's way of saying "Look, after all this time, I really do believe that you focus yourself on what is in my best interest and I trust you with all my heart to do what is best for me, so I give you absolute and total right to make whatever demands you wish of me".
If this goes against what you personally believe then outstanding, we can agree to disagree and move on.
So a submissive girl likes to refer to herself as a slave...does it really matter if she wants to be called a slave or a pink pony?
Personal preference and acceptance of those preferences is what BDSM is all about.
Do I really need to try and define what a slave is, as long as the girl
considers herself one?
Fine.
A slave types naked at the keyboard in a chatroom,
owns a web camera that she turns on instantly at my request, is bi-sexual,
believes in polygamy, makes over $100,000 a year in salary, and has big
tits...if you don't meet these criteria then either your not a slave or one of
us is full of bullshit as far as what a slave is.
Would you like me to try and redefine it, or would you rather go with your own ideals on the matter?
The only thing that I demand people get their head out of their ass about is that a slave is Still a submissive personality...that’s how it works people...someone that isn’t a submissive isn’t going to willing wear a collar as a slave. She's going to go for your throat with the closest sharp object she can get her hands on when you approach and try to buckle it on her.
Not allowing a sub to have a safe word doesn't show how much control you have over her...or how skilled you are as a dominant... it shows that you're too stupid to remember the most basic rule of Anything...which is "Shit happens...".
And on the same note, subs that don't use a safe word when they need to aren't doing anything except lying to their Dominant.
So if you brag about doing it once, don't expect me to cry a single tear for you when a sudden burst of play energy lands you in the emergency room with busted ribs or stitches.
By lying to your partner, and there IS NO EXCUSE FOR LYING, about what you could take and what your limits Really are, you set yourself up for that fall...so suck it up, wipe your nose, admit you made a mistake and get over it
Any jackass can call himself a Dom, but if he doesn't have the self confidence to believe it of himself, the integrity to accept his responsibilities he assumes with the mantle, and the ability to control himself before trying to control another, he's still just a jack ass, but now jack ass with a title.
And on the flip side of the coin, the same applies to subs. Don't try to tell me your my sub then State you are going to call me by a title because you chose to.
What is a D/s relationship about again? Can we all say Power Exchange? This means the sub offers the power of choice to Me in the trust I will make the best choices For her.
How can you tell when your dealing with someone that has given him or herself a title to become what I refer to as an internet personality? Watch them! And that doesn't mean from inside or outside the hoop of a collar...it means Before the collar ever comes into play.
Where does the first problem in a BDSM relationship start?
You talk to a dom that likes to spank, and you like to be spanked, he wants real life and you want real life, he drinks wine and you drink wine...it's just wonderful and the collar goes on! (This is where the problem began...)
Then 2 days later he leads the donkey into the hotel room and your diving out the bathroom window in your knickers, while he's scratching his head in confusion.
Guess what...both of you screwed up.
Neither party had enough information about the other to even have a first meeting, much less a collar.
Next time it comes around, try filling out a BDSM interest sheet beforehand, which will lead to discussion if nothing else. Don't have one? Here's one that I picked up someplace years ago that someone sent me and is pretty comprehensive. BDSM Intrest checksheet
Also remember the old adage that a marriage built on sex will fail when the sex does. Yes sex is a big component to most relationships, but there has to be other levels of compatibility and emotional connection besides the one that happens when there is an exchange of body fluids.
TALK to each other for Christ's sake BEFORE you commit to each other about anything and everything you can think of. You don't go looking for a lasting relationship in a single's bar and expect it to happen after one drink and a romp in the back seat of a car do you? Well then don't expect including a computer into the loop to change the outcome either!
So show of hands, how many actually think that subs are the weaker of the two people in a relationship? How many people think that submissive's are actually the less brave of the Dominant submissive loop? And finally, how many think that a submissive without a dominant is unable to function properly?
Okay for anyone that answered yes to the above questions lets grade you now:
· if you answered yes once you haven't thought about Subs a lot
· if you answered yes 2 times, this would be a good point to get your head out of your ass if your serious about D/s
· if you answered yes 3 times, your a hopeless loser, get the hell off my webpage
It takes strength of will and purpose, courage and faith, and a lot of trust that usually the dom doesn't think to inspires for a submissive to truthfully say, okay....I give you the power to make my choices for me and I will accept what you choose.
And a submissive doesn't have to have a dominant over her to still be a submissive anymore that a surgeon has to walk about slicing people up all the time to be a surgeon. The flip side being, I am a dominant person, and I do not have to prove that to myself or anyone else by having a sub immediately under my control 24/7.
Being a submissive does not mean that woman in question has to
be dysfunctional, a doormat, or ready to obey the whims and notions of every
lord, sir, or master that comes along. Being a submissive isn't about taking
crap from anyone, and if a girl flips you the bird when you command her to
kneel, then odds are the problem lay with you as a dominant and not her as a submissive.
Trying to tell me that someone can be too young to be a submissive immediately tells me a few possibilities about you. One is that your in the lifestyle for sex probably, because that is one of the few things that age is a factor of...the legality of being able to have sex,
or Two you don't understand enough about people to realize maturity is what determines whether a person is going to be able to make any relationship work,
or Three, you mistakenly believe that maturity comes with age, it comes with Experience. I know several people that are close to the point of age of being able to fart dust, yet they still are some of the most childish and emotionally immature people I have ever met. These are the people that never matured because they never went out and tried to experience life...the arm chair quarterbacks of the world.
Am I advocating that anyone under 18 be anywhere near an adult chat room?
Hell no!
Adult chartrooms are just for that, legal adults. If someone under the age of 18 comes sliding in the door, ask them to leave, and if they don't, its time for you to bail out of the room...don't blame me, I'm just telling you how the law works, I'm not one of the bleeding heart people that allowed society to degenerate where a child has more say over what happens in your home than you do and can call a child welfare services worker to prove it.
Is it okay to discuss D/s with people under 18? My answer is yes, the same as its okay to discuss computer science, world affairs, or current shows on TV with someone under 18. In an open chat room, simply in an informative fashion, and never allowing ANYTHING remotely sexually charged to be mentioned. If they want to discuss sexual aspects, send them to a website, tell them to talk to mommy, or just cut and run like hell, once that topic is broached by either side you toeing the line of legality and while I don't know about you, I personally hate the food in jails.
One day I was leaning back sipping coffee and watching a chat
scroll when a newly proclaimed submissive tried to kill me. Her method of
attack was to ask "What is a safe call?" while I was taking a sip of
coffee.
I almost choked to death.
It brought vividly to my mind the fact that a lot of subs that are
coming into the world of D/s or BDSM are doing it going by the ropes and just
feeling their way along them blindly as they go.
That scares the hell out of me because a lot of them are also looking to
meet people they can involve in their lives online.
First let me point out to all you lovely
little ladies with the vapid expressions and gushing enthusiasm that a lot of
the people online are Not what they proclaim themselves to be...shocking isn't
it? There are indeed mean and evil people in the world that like to
pretend to be nice guys so they can get the handcuffs on you and do hideous,
evil things to your person while you try to figure out how to breathe through a
ball gag.
I've put together a little list of practical things you can do to protect yourself before, during, and after a meeting with a potential new play partner.
- To start with I don't recommend you give your home phone number out. If the meeting goes sour and you decide you don't want the guy contacting you anymore then its a little hard to get the phone number changed and your life re-organized around the change. I recommend that if you want to make contacts, get a simple pre-paid cell phone, use that as your contact phone number till after you've had a chance to meet and talk. If you hit it off, give the person your real phone number, if you don't hit it off, just use up the minutes on the prepaid and get another number assigned. Tracphone available from most Wal-Mart's is wonderful for this by the way.
- Get information about the person your planning on meeting, any and every bit of it you can, and don't be afraid to get the information checked. And on the flip side, don't be afraid to supply information they ask for in a general sense. I'll give you my Texas Drivers License number if you give me yours...
- Set down the rules for what will and what will not happen BEFORE you meet and then stick to those rules. Doesn't matter if the guy turns out to be a Fabio ringer, if you said no sex or playing the first time around, Stick With That Rule!
- If you travel to meet the person, get a motel room, and then Don't tell the person exactly where your staying. Tell the desk clerk that you don't want confirmation of you being there given to anyone that calls to check, don't tell the person your meeting what your room number is, and for the love of all things small and furry, Don't Meet the person in your room! That motel room may turn out to be your 'bolt hole' from a potential bad scene if the meeting with the person goes sour, don't give away its position until after the meeting, then if you feel comfortable, be my guest. Don't make a reservation and then tell the person where your staying on the phone before you fly into town.
- If your meeting in your town, don't do it at your favorite coffee shop or local pub. Why not? If the guy turns out to be a stalker then you gave him a place to start looking. Ask a friend about where they go, and then ask the friend to come with you, to sit around and help keep an eye on your back. Get to the place first, stay there during the meeting without acknowledging your friend sitting at the next table, then leave a good 20 minutes after the person has left.
- Never meet someone at
their home for the first time, it makes it too
easy for them to get your body into the garage to cut up before burying in
the flower bed out back.
- Now most submissive's I talked to said they had a rule about no
sex or play on the first meeting, a couple of them said that usually when
they met someone it was to have play or sex. From the ones meeting to have
sex I got these tips: never do restraining bondage the first time out, and
no hoods or gags. Don't allow any potentially
serious play with knives or razors, keep a very tight safe call list, and
make sure to give the person your playing with Any
pertinent information about medical conditions.
- Safe calls, the
question that almost got me killed. A safe call is a call that you make to
a friend who knows exactly where your at, what
your doing, and who your doing it with. I recommend that on a first
meeting there be a call at the time you meet, every hour and a half
thereafter, a call when you separate, and ANOTHER when you make it safely
home. Another good idea is to have more than just one person to call, you
never know when safe call receiver A is going to have to run the family
cat to the vet because it ate a hand grenade. Just make sure that if you
have more than one safe call, that the people involved know each other and
that Both have all the information about the
meeting.
Now for the worst case moments that cant happen to you because they only happen to other people here's a little dose of reality, you ARE the other people and it never hurts to know what to do when the guy walks in your motel room with a chainsaw.
- hairspray is just as good as mace at point blank range
- screaming the word FIRE will draw more attention than screaming RAPE
- fuck modesty, if its your life in the question then climb out the window nude and haul ass, some nice cop will let you borrow a blanket later
- never run up stairs getting away from someone, go down stairs and head for the nearest crowd
- high heels are not only sexy but painful as hell when you hit someone in the face with them
- before
a first time meeting, mail yourself a letter with every damn bit of
information you have about the person you are meeting and what the
intention of the meet was.
