Chapter 23
She missed him.
She missed him so bad that it hurt
to breathe. Everyone in her family had
soggy cheeks and red eyes. Her
grandfather was a wreck and she could already hear people whispering about how they
were pretty sure he was going to be next and soon. Her aunts and uncles and cousins had swarmed
her when she arrived, asking her questions and dodging the fact that now she
had no family left. Her father’s parents
had died before she was born, so he said, and he was an only child, so he
said. Her mom had had two older
sisters. She was the only person in her
family under the age of 27, besides Kylie and Kyle, the twins from her cousin
Kaleb. She didn’t know what it was with
Ks in her family but it was quite annoying.
She had no one. No family left. And the person that was closest to her and
the person she wanted there more than anything was thousands of miles away on
stage making thousands and thousands of 14 year old girls squeal.
She was shocked when he had taken
her to the airport and right before she had gotten out of the car handed her a heavy
brown envelope with something in it and told her not to open it yet. She had to open it before she got to security
and what she had found was a cell phone, numbers already programmed and a
letter from him. She didn’t know when he
had found time to write it but figured it must have been while she packed and
showered.
It wasn’t a long letter, maybe a
half a page at most, but it melted her heart to see the words “I love you” in
his handwriting. He didn’t say anything extraordinary,
just told her to call him anytime and even though he might not always pick up
with the show and everything, that he’d always call her back at soon as
possible.
That night they had had the
visitation and she had stood at the end of the line, numbly shaking the hands
of people she had never met before in her life.
She rode in the back of her Aunt Kathy’s car and stayed with her in their
guest bedroom that night.
But she couldn’t sleep. It was weird sleeping alone and it was weird
sleeping in a unusually fluffy bed. The room was covered with scary dolls her
aunt collected and she swore they were staring at her ready to come alive like
Chucky.
She needed him with her.
She reached over and flicked on
the light, which caused her to squint her eyes to let
them adjust for a second. She looked
over the side of the bed to where her small duffel bag was placed and reached
to drag it over toward the bed so she could get one of her games out.
She looked at the nightstand to
see what time it was. As her brain
registered the numbers 12:48 her eyes saw the small, plain black device sitting
on the nightstand beside 4 cell phone batteries. He must not have had time to worry with a
charger.
Without thought, she picked up the
small phone and fiddled around with it until she pressed the one and send
buttons. She had fumbled with how to use
it when she had landed and finally, on the 30 minute drive home with her Aunt
Karly, had figured out how to dial his number.
He didn’t answer and it bummed her out but made her feel better a couple
hours later, after the visitation, when she had a short but much needed voice
mail from him. It was near 9 when she
got home and knew he would be on stage at that time so she didn’t bother
calling him.
But now, she needed him. And even if he didn’t answer, she needed to
just call and talk, even if it was a voice mail.
It rang 5 times and his voice mail
came on.
She sighed, “Hey it’s- fuck.”
She growled when the cell phone
beeped and when she looked at her cell phone she realized her phone had shut
off. She turned it back on.
As soon as she did her phone
shrilled and vibrated. She made her
dropped the phone the bed. She grabbed
for it and pressed a button and shakily said, “Hello.”
“Hey baby. Did you just try callin’ me?”
She felt like skipping and
dancing. Hearing his voice, hearing him
actually respond to her and be there made everything crummy that she had had to
experience that day float away. It made
her see how much she truly did love him.
“Yeah.
Damn this thing comes alive when someone calls me. I thought my hand was going to get bitten off.”
She wanted to be swallowed in his
deep gravely chuckle. “You’re
silly. Just go under options and turn
off the vibrator or change the rings.
You can put “Gone” as your ring tone if you want.”
“Gay. No thanks.”
“Awwe come on now, girl.”
She sighed. It was silent for a second and then she began
to whisper, “I miss-Fuckin’ shit!” Her
phone beeped again and once again it was cut off.
She growled, and moved around in
the room towards the window. The cell phone magically came back on somehow and
she quickly called him back. “Problems?”
“What kinda piece of crap phone
did you give me? Keeps
turning the fuck off.”
He chuckled lightly again. She didn’t find it too funny. “Maybe you’re in a bad spot.”
“Apparently. Should I go outside
or something?”
“That would be a good idea. That way you can hear me clearly and you don’t
have to worry about waking anyone up with your phone sex noises.”
She could picturing him there
laying in bed or laying on in his bunk, just in his boxers, one hand behind his
head and the other with the phone pressed to his ear. She wished he was with her so she could curl
up with him. “In your
dreams. I’m gonna go try and find
another place. I’ll call you back ok?”
He sounded like he was doing
something. His breathing quickened and
he let out a deep groan like he was stretching.
“I’ll be waitin’.”
She smiled to herself having a
perverted thought. “Ok, and Justin?”
“Yes baby,” he half sighed, half
moaned.
“Get your hand off your cock.”
“What!” She had to pull the phone away from her ear
at first because his shout echoed loudly.
“I know you’re over there thinking
about me, but it’s rude. I want to talk
to you seriously and you-”
He laughed annoyed. “Just go will you!”
“Fine.”
“And I do not have my hand on my
cock.”
“Sure.” She cut the phone off and slipped on some
socks and shoes. She had on pajama pants
and one of his white t-shirts that she stole from him. She pulled a jacket over her arms and then
quietly maneuvered around the house and out on the front porch.
She called him again and sat down
on the wooden steps.
“Hey.”
She parroted, “Hey.”
For some reason those 5 minutes
from the last time she had talked to him had calmed her down and made her
quieter. Maybe it was the cool, late
spring
“How’s my girl holdin’ up?”
“Ok. Visitation thing was bad.”
She heard him sigh over the
phone. Not annoyed, not tired, just clearly sympathizing with her. “I’m so sorry Kristen.”
She sighed herself and rested her
head in her hands, with her elbows on her knees. “I just, I didn’t know anyone, ya know? And every time someone said something to me
it was how much they remembered my mom or my grandma or knew me when I was
2. All I wanted to do was stand up on a
table and yell ‘I don’t give a damn! Now
can we get this over with so I can go back to my boyfriend?’”
“Really?”
“I…” Her voice caught in her throat and a tear
slipped from her eye. This time it wasn’t
because of the cold air.
“Kristen…”
She couldn’t hold it back anymore
and her tears fell freely. She hadn’t cried
once since she had arrived in
“What about your grandpa?
“I- I think they’re gonna put him
in a home.”
“Shit,” she heard him breath out.
“I know. But he’s so bad Justin. It’s like he’s not even there. And I don’t know. My aunts have all lives of their own and can’t
really just drop everything to take care of him. I mean, fuck it Justin.!
I heard them arguing over it in the kitchen last night when I got here and they
basically just said they knew he was gonna die soon too. What next?
Are you gonna break up-”
He cut her off and she
sniffed. “I can’t see myself breaking up
with you. Ever.”
She used her free hand to dry her
cheeks and wipe at her eyes that were starting to ache. “Wh-what?”
“I just can’t see it
happening. I look ahead and I do not see
ANY reason to arise for me to loose you.”
“I just…”
“Shhh, I know love.”
She took a deep breath during the
silence on the phone and closed her eyes.
She prayed that some how he’d be there with her when she opened them; somehow
he’d just appear beside her and hold her and kiss her and make everything
better. But when she opened her eyes she
was met with nothing but the dark small front yard and black asphalt of the
street her aunt lived on. The moon made everything
look dark navy. She heard bugs chirping in
the bushes beside the steps and looked up at the clear sky.
She was alone.
“I need you so bad right now.”
It was quiet again and she heard
him say in a small but honest voice, “Kristen, do you need me there?”
“Justin you cant-“
His voice raised a little and
seemed even more determined. “Do you
NEED me there?”
“I’m fine,” she lied.
“You don’t sound fine.”
She was trying to cover up how
much she needed him. She couldn’t have
him dropping everything and flying out to see her. It just wouldn’t work. He had too much responsibility and too many
other important things to deal with than her being upset that her grandmother
died. It happened
everyday to lots of people. People died
and there was nothing she could do about it except move on. She didn’t want to drag him down. “Just, I’ll call you tomorrow after the
service, ok?”
“Baby, seriously? Are you ok?”
His voice was worried. It was the
last thing she wanted from him and she almost started to wonder if this was
good for him. He didn’t need this right
now. Tour life was already stressful
enough on him and she knew, being in
“Fine, just
fine.”
His voice was angry over the phone,
but she didn’t care as long as it got her off the phone with him and let him do
his business and got her out of his way.
“Fine.”
“I’m gonna go to bed.”
“Ok.”
“Night.” And then she hung
up.
She walked upstairs after locking
the front door, got in bed and closed her eyes.
But she didn’t fall asleep.
She couldn’t get him off her
mind. And she couldn’t help but wonder
if he’d be better off without her.
What was she anyway? She wasn’t anything special. She wasn’t a singer and wasn’t famous and wasn’t
gorgeous. She was a normal 20 year old
with a bitchy attitude and a fucked up past.
Who cared?
He did. And that hurt.
He could do so much better and she
started to wonder what would be best for him.
She loved him, yes. She loved him more than she had loved anyone
in her life. And because
of that, she starting thinking that maybe, just maybe, she should get rid of
him.
Or maybe, rid him of herself.
-----
The next night.
They had made it to the hotel
about 2 hours before after a day full of interviews and press conferences. Most
of the guys had either retreated to their rooms or gone out for the night. He was too anxious to sleep and too tired to
go out. So he had booked
the weight room and was in there bench pressing with Todd. Kristen had confused the hell out of him the
night before, crying one minute and being weird and distant the next. He knew he hadn’t handled it well and should
have been more considerate but when he tried to call back her phone wasn’t on. He had called and left messages on her phone
3 times that day and not once had she returned his calls.
He was very worried.
And having Trace run in, out of
breath and swearing he just saw Britney in the lobby didn’t help.
And then having Trace leave him there,
alone besides Todd, to go see if he could find her again, for reasons beyond
him, didn’t help either.
After three more presses a
familiar plain ring went off in the small bag he had brought down to the gym
filled with bottled water, a hat, a towel and a minidisk player. He normally would have had the music up so
loud to drown out his thoughts, but an hour of trying to get that to work didn’t
help, so he had resorted to silence.
He slowly set up, trying not to
pull or strain anything by moving too quickly and reached over to his bag. He pulled out the device and knew instantly
he shouldn’t have put on an extra 10 pounds on the bar. His arms ached.
He sighed annoyed, knowing it was
probably Melinda or someone wanting to go over press shit. But when he looked at the number he smiled
slightly and felt a weight of worry lift from his shoulders. His arms didn’t hurt as bad anymore.
“Hey baby.”
“Hi.”
He leaned back against the bench
again and rested. He was ready to call
it a day and go upstairs, talk to her on the phone and chill. She had that way with him,
she knew exactly how to relax him and all she had said was “hi.” “Did you get my calls?”
“Yup.” The p of her word popped loudly.
“How is everything?”
“Perfect.”
His eyebrows bunched together and didn’t
like this short attitude she had going on.
His anxiety started to creep back a little. “One word answers, my favorite,” he said
sarcastically.
“Yup.”
He hoped she would just say she
was busy doing something important. But
she sounded pissed off and her words were extra clear. “Ok, spit it out.”
“You really want me to?”
“What’s going on Kristen?”
“I think we should break up.”
“Funny.” He rolled his eyes.
“Not really. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the past
few days. I think we were both
lonely. I probably wont
be coming back to the tour so just forget about me. You’ll probably never see me again anyway, so
don’t worry.”
He rubbed his forehead, getting a
very very very bad feeling about this conversation and where it was going. She seemed sure of herself, too sure of
herself. “Kristen this isn’t a nice
joke.”
She coughed a little and continued
to speak extra clearly and a little slower than normal. “Well good, because I’m not joking. I think we’re better off without each
other. I mean what the fuck do the two
of us have in common ya know? What the
fuck are the two of us doin’ together?”
“Bu- but I love you.” He said in half laugh and half shock.
“No you don’t. You can’t love me Justin. It’s impossible.”
“Baby, did something happen with
your dad? I mean if you-“
She interrupted him and his
stomach started to churn. He was
confused and when he was confused his life sucked. He liked being in control and liked knowing
what was going on. He was clueless and
therefore he was nervous. “This has
nothing to do with my fuckin’ Dad, Justin.
I think me and you should break up.
In fact, I don’t just think it. I’m
breaking up with you. That’s final.”
He shot up on the bench and for a
second thought he was gonna faint because he got very dizzy and
lightheaded. “This is shit Kristen. You aren’t making any sense.”
“It was fun. Thanks.
If you’re ever in
“Kristen what-
what the FUCK!?”
She had hung up.
He stared at his phone, nostrils
flaring, confused, angry and hurt more than he had
been in a while. His jaw tightened and
his eyes watered.
Not again.
“What happened?”
God, not again.
“She just broke up with me,” his
voice was even but cold.
“You didn’t tell me you guys were-“
He shot up and got in Todd’s
face. He needed to let his anger out
somehow and Todd seemed to take it well sitting on one of the benches, a weight
in one hand, staring up at his pop star friend.
“WE WEREN’T! We were fuckin’ PERFECT! I was an ass the other night but then all
this shit happened with her grandma and I thought we had just patched it
up. She didn’t even give me a reason
besides we aren’t good for each other.”
He angrily tried to redial. “What
the fuck? Her phone isn’t on! What type of- I’m calling Rick.”
He stormed off.
“Wait Justin you cant just leave. Hold
on a second boy!”
His hand was poised like a police
man stopping cars, ready to push the doors open, but something was holding him
back and then he felt his shirt choking him.
He stopped his forward motion, turned around and found Todd, holding on
to the back of his cut off tee. He kept
dialing Rick’s number on his cell and shoved the phone up to his ear,
pouting.
“Rick. Yeah, what’s Kristen’s number in
He heard Rick yawn over the
phone. “Hell, I don’t know.”
He snapped. “What the fuck man? You know you know!”
Rick’s voice got into a raspy,
non-chalant, ‘told you so’ attitude. “You
told me you were getting her a cell a little while back. So I threw them away. I didn’t think I’d need them anymore.”
“You’re so FUCKING irresponsible!” He yelled into the phone and then whipped
around and slammed through the doors.
His world was collapsing. He was
red.
So yeah, he was acting like an
alpha male, which typically he didn’t do.
Normally when he was upset or mad it was more like a baby alpha monkey, with
a few huffs and puffs, a lot of pouting and whining. This time, he was enraged.
“What happened? Are you ok? Is she ok?”
“Fuckin’
wonderful.” He flipped the cell closed in an angry manner
and walked into the awaiting and empty elevator doors. He punched the top floor and watched Todd
barrel into the door with their bags in his hands.
He breathed a second as the doors
closed and then turned and kicked the inside of the elevator. “SHIT!
“Calm down, son!”
“I fuckin’-” His voice caught in his throat and he
realized he was getting choked up. He
sniffed and swallowed hard.
“What?”
He shook his head and sighed, his
voice increasing in volume as he talked.
“I love her Todd. What the hell
was that? Like I
totally just got SIDESWIPED here.
WHAT the FUCK?!”
“I don’t know, man. Just calm down.”
The doors opened and he snatched
his bag from his companion and left the elevator. “I’ll be in my room.”
Todd followed him a few feet and
stopped, staring at him and making him annoyed as he dug for his keycard. “Hey, don’t do anything stupid. She’s probably just bumming over her
grandma. Just cut her some slack.”
He fumbled with the card and
finally after kicking and cursing and almost breaking off the handle, got the
door open. “Cut her some slack? I’m sorry Todd but having your grandmother die
isn’t a really legitimate reason to call your boyfriend up out of the fuckin
blue and say, ‘oopps, sorry we made a mistake.
See ya like, um, never!’ That’s just bullshit.”
“Just go in your room and sleep it
off, ok?”
“Whatever.” He stomped into his room and threw his bag on
the floor, not caring that it sounded like he broke his minidisk in the
process. He heard the door slam behind
him and stood there in the room alone with ragged breath and his hands on his
hips, one hand filled his with phone.
He sighed and then quickly wiped at
his eyes. He wouldn’t get upset this
time.
And if she came back, he wouldn’t be
drug around. He’d be strong this time.
-----
1.5 hours, 2.75 various mini bar
liquor bottles, 4 beers and a half a bottle of coca-cola later
“Answer…” He slurred as he dialed
her number.
All he got was the pre-recorded
voice mail lady. “Stupid bitch.”
He threw the phone on the end of
the bed and when he rolled and fell on the floor he didn’t care. He really needed to stop with the throwing
cell phone fetish he had. It was his 2nd
that year, and was already a little beat up from his temper tantrums.
He couldn’t believe that she had
broken up with him. This was the second
time for him in a period of three months.
That had to be a record for a guy like him. He was supposed to be popular, hot, sexy, the
most wanted man in the world. And he couldn’t
even keep a stupid fuckin’ little 20 year old toy girl from
He was the best thing she had ever
experienced. She should be grateful. She should be down on her hands and knees
right now worshipping him. He was
Justin.
Bitch.
He was in shock. And for Justin, that was a weird
feeling.
But the alcohol helped bunches and
now he was just pissed. Pissed and
tired.
He thought he heard a light
tapping but figured it was probably just his brain. All he wanted to do was pass out now. He wanted to fall asleep. Then maybe when he woke up she would be with
him and this would all have been a nightmare.
Or maybe he’d wake up and still be
with Britney, or still be alone or something and his time with Kristen would
have been a dream.
But 5 minutes later he thought he
heard a female voice: a familiar female voice and another knock, this time
louder.
He’s heart began to race.
He was nervous. What would happen if she was there on the
other side, staring at him, wanting to “talk” about all this that had gone on? He wasn’t ready to see her, not after all that
she had put him through. Maybe he was
just hearing things. Maybe
not.
He laid there on the bed,
perfectly still, almost ready to hide.
He wanted to cover up in the covers and go to sleep. He was tried of her. She had broken up with him. Fine. He was through.
She never wanted to see him again. He didn’t give a fuck.
But the knocking was causing a
headache and before he knew it he was at the door, swinging it open and staring
at the petite figure in front of him.
Her hair was a little wavier than
normal. Her eyes were wide and her smile
wasn’t that big. Her jeans were tighter
than normal and her top was a normal Rainbow Bright baby tee. She had on those damn sandals she always wore
that he didn’t think looked too flattering on her feet.
He sighed. What now?
Was she gonna step on his heart and play football with it and then give
it back to him?
No Thanks. Keep it.
She bit her lip and looked at the
floor ashamed, like she knew she had done something wrong. Oh she knew she had done something wrong.
“What the hell do you want?”
She ignored him and flipped her
hair over her shoulder in a completely girly move. Her big brown eyes, smoky with makeup stared
into his and she quietly responded, “Hey Stinky.”